Chapter 7

Noel

"You want some coffee?" Titus asked abruptly as he grabbed his cup off the table. "Shit." He glanced down at my belly. "You can't have coffee."

"I can," I clarified. "But no, thank you. It gives me a stomach ache."

"Oh." He looked around the kitchen. "Do you want some milk or—"

"I usually have tea," I said, cutting him off. He was either uncomfortable or nervous and I kind of just wanted to stare at him. The boy I remembered had been confident almost to a fault. After my father had realized we were meeting in secret and locked me in the house, Titus had been the one to come looking for me. He'd been brazen that day. Not afraid of anything, even when a couple of men from our church had beat the crap out of him, and then kidnapped both of us.

The fact that Ephraim had decided to stay loyal to the church after that really should've clued me in to how horrendous my brother was. He'd tried to explain it away saying that there had been a few bad apples—our father being one of them—but that didn't mean that the entire church was bad. I'd never been brave enough to remind him that the phrase was actually one bad apple spoils the barrel, as in, it makes the rest rot alongside it.

"Ariel is sweet," Titus murmured as I opened a cupboard and pulled out the canister of tea. "Smart."

"Thanks." I glanced at him over my shoulder. "She's a little big for her britches, but I like it."

"Nothin' wrong with a strong woman," he grinned.

"Except when she's talking back to her mother," I countered with a small laugh. "But yeah, she is sweet. She has very strong ideas."

"Mixed eggs only."

"She likes them scrambled."

"Yeah, she was sayin' that."

"Thank you," I said, turning toward him. "For last night and coming to get us and all of it."

"Of course."

"You didn't have to do that," I replied stubbornly. I'd had a lot of time to think about it and no matter which way I turned the situation around in my mind, it was a pretty big deal that Titus had come when I needed him. When we were teenagers, I'd promised that the moment I'd turned eighteen, I'd call him—and I hadn't. I didn't know what his life had been like in the years since I'd moved, maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but I'd made a promise and broken it. He could've hated me for it. If the roles were reversed, I wasn't sure how I would've felt. Not great.

"Otto's call," he said quietly, his gaze on mine. "Probably one of the best and scariest calls of my life."

I wasn't sure what to say.

"I was really fuckin' glad you called," he continued. "But also scared outta my mind that you were, wonderin' what could've happened that would make you finally reach out."

"I should've sooner," I replied. I'd also had a lot of time to think about that. I should've called Esther years before. Should've somehow contacted her when they'd first started discussing me marrying Caleb. I just hadn't thought that things would happen so quickly. I'd thought I'd have more time.

I couldn't regret it, though. If I hadn't married Caleb, I wouldn't have the girls, and that wasn't a scenario I wanted to contemplate.

"You wouldn't have Ariel and Diana, if you had," he replied, reading my mind. "Or that new one."

"Yes."

"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" he asked softly, his gaze on my belly.

My hand went unconsciously to the solid curve of it. "No. That's not really something we do, finding out the sex beforehand."

"They do," he corrected. "You're not one of 'em anymore. You could ask now."

I shrugged. "It's kind of exciting not knowing."

"Yeah?"

"I think I'll wait until he or she is born."

"What do you think it will be?"

"Probably another girl," I said ruefully, turning back to the kettle as it started whistling.

"Look who's awake," Esther called out as she came into the kitchen. "She wasn't happy that Auntie Esther was the one getting her out of bed."

"Good morning," I called, walking over to get my sleepy two-year-old from my sister. "Sorry, I didn't even hear her."

"No worries," she said, kissing Diana as she handed her over. "I only heard her because I was walking past your door."

"Did you wake up and Mama wasn't there?" I asked Diana as she scowled at me.

"Sissy," Diana groused. "Want Ari."

"She's coloring. You want to go color with her?"

"Yeah."

I put her on the floor, keeping my hands on her until she'd caught her balance. Diana was never at her best in the morning. I'd never known any kid as grouchy and out of sorts as she was when she woke up.

"Don't take the paper off," I warned as she toddled into the living room.

"I don't think there's any paper left on those crayons for her to shred," Esther said ruefully as she poured the hot water into my mug and grabbed one for herself.

"She calls the paper jackets," I explained to Titus. "She peels it all off no matter what I do."

"At least she doesn't eat 'em like Rumi used to," Titus replied with a smile as he sat back down at the table. "My mom used to ask if he'd eaten them and he'd tell her no while he had crayon stuck between his two front teeth. It was so gross."

Esther giggled. "I need to find out a way to bring that up in casual conversation."

"Do it," Titus agreed. "That may be a story Nova hasn't heard yet. She needs to know what she's gettin' into if she procreates with him."

"I hope they have babies," Esther replied. "I know she wants some."

"They've been married for a long time, haven't they?" I asked.

"Yeah." Titus nodded. "Five or six years? Something like that."

"Just hasn't happened yet," Esther told me quietly, laying her hand on my back as she went to sit with Titus. I heard the words she hadn't said and my stomach twisted. I really liked Nova. What must it be like for her to be around me and Esther having babies when she hadn't been able to? She'd been so kind to me. It wasn't fair that some women got pregnant so easily and others didn't.

"So, you've got an appointment this afternoon?" Titus asked Esther.

"At two," my sister confirmed.

"They gonna take that baby out yet?" he teased.

"That's not quite how it works," Esther replied dryly, gesturing for me to sit with them. "But I think he'll be making an appearance soon."

"I thought you had another month?"

"That's just a guess," Esther said, rubbing her belly. "They never really know. Flora came three weeks before my due date and I'm only four weeks out now."

"Ariel was born on her due date," I said, smiling at my sister. "Diana was three days after hers."

"Ugh," Esther said, laughing. "I can't imagine going past it!"

"It wasn't so bad," I mused. "I didn't know any different with Ariel, I just assumed that having the baby on the due date was how it went."

Esther scoffed good-naturedly.

"And with Nana I wanted her to stay put as long as possible since Ariel was already such a handful already."

"What about with this one?" Titus asked, smiling softly.

"Ask me in a couple of months," I replied, smiling back at him.

"I can't believe we're going to have two babies in the house soon," Esther said, grinning huge. "It's been a while! We wanted to wait a while after I had Flora, but we never planned on waiting this long. We just kept thinking, let's try in the fall, in the spring, next year would be better—you get the idea."

"She's going to be so much help," I said, reaching out to give my sister's forearm a squeeze. "Even Ariel was a huge help and she was only two when Diana came."

"I just hope she's not jealous," Esther said with a shrug. "She's been an only child for so long."

"Well, she's getting some practice now," Titus murmured, tipping his head toward the living room.

Flora was busy admonishing Diana for pulling apart a crayon.

"You're welcome?" I added with a sigh. "I should probably go in there."

"I'll go," Titus said, getting to his feet. "You guys drink your tea."

I looked at Esther and when she didn't argue, I didn't either. It felt very strange to have Titus going in to keep an eye on the girls while we sat there doing nothing.

"He'll sit on the couch and make sure they aren't climbing the walls," Ether told me after Titus had gone. "If he minded, he wouldn't have offered."

"I don't think Caleb ever watched the girls," I replied quietly, looking over my shoulder toward where Titus had gone.

"The Hawthorne boys pitch in," Esther said, lifting her tea to her lips. "All of them do. That's just how their family is."

We were quiet for a few minutes while I digested that. In the community Esther and I had grown up in there were very clearly defined roles for men and women. If the children were old enough and there was a place for the women in a family or church owned business then both husband and wife worked, but household chores—including taking care of any children—were the woman's responsibility. Always.

"I'm looking forward to this appointment with the midwife," Esther said, breaking the silence. "I've been so exhausted lately. I don't remember being this tired with Flora."

"You didn't have three extra people in your house then," I pointed out.

"Please." She waved the words away. "You're so much help, I'm doing less than I ever have."

"You should have told me that you were that tired," I scolded. "You should start napping when the girls do."

"Ha!" She shook her head. "Give up that hour of quiet? No way. I've probably got low iron or something."

"Is that something that happened with Flora?" I asked curiously. My pregnancies had always been pretty easy. I'd barely had to change my routine at all. With Ariel, I hadn't even known that I was supposed to be taking prenatal vitamins.

"Yeah, but not this late," Esther said, rubbing her belly. "Did you get your appointment set up with Andrea?"

"The midwife? Yeah. Week after next."

"Did you know she delivered Myla?" Esther asked with a smile.

"Otto's sister Myla?"

"Yep. Well, from what I understand, she got there right after Myla was born—Tommy actually delivered her."

"No way." My mouth dropped open in shock. I liked Titus and Otto's dad a lot, but I couldn't imagine him delivering a baby. To call him rough around the edges was an understatement even after witnessing how much he loved and cared for his family.

"I don't think it was planned," Esther said drolly. "But Andrea is great. You're going to love her. She's been delivering babies forever. We're in good hands."

"I'm sure I'll like her fine."

"Did you have a doctor or a midwife last time?"

"Midwife," I murmured, remembering Diana's birth. I'd spent the entire time worrying about Ariel while she was with my mother-in law. "There are a couple in the community."

"Was she even licensed?" Esther asked sharply.

"How would I know?"

Esther sighed. "Probably not," she grumbled, getting to her feet. "Are you done?"

I handed her my empty mug without a word. I'd learned over the past couple of weeks to let her stew for a few minutes when she got that expression on her face. Esther hated anything to do with our family and the church we'd belonged to. I understood it, I'd just never had such strong feelings about any of it. Was it the kind of life I would've chosen for myself if I'd ever been given the choice? No. But there wasn't any use in lamenting any of it.

We'd both gotten out.

"I'm going to check on the kids," I told Esther as she stared out the kitchen window.

When I walked into the living room, Titus was sitting on the floor, his legs stretched out under the coffee table and Diana on his lap.

"That's purple," he was telling her patiently.

"I like red," Ariel said, sitting across from him. "Red is my favorite color."

"My favorite color is black," Titus replied.

"My favorite is pink," Flora added, looking up from her spot next to Titus. "Like peonies."

"Peonies, huh?" Titus replied. "Like the flower."

"The ones by the porch," Flora confirmed.

"There's red flowers, too," Ariel said quickly. "Like, um—"

"Zinnias," Flora said, her eyes on her paper.

"Yeah, zinnas." Ariel nodded.

"Zin-ee-uhs," Flora corrected.

Ariel ignored her.

"I don't know anythin' about flowers," Titus said, readjusting Diana on his lap. "You guys are smart."

He looked over her shoulder and drew a heart on her paper with a green crayon.

"Flora knows lots," Ariel told him, looking proudly at her cousin.

"I like flowers," Flora said nonchalantly.

"Well, that's good," Titus teased, elbowing his niece. "Since your name is Flora."

"Mama likes them, too," she replied, grinning.

"That makes sense," he said seriously.

"Help me," Diana ordered, moving Titus's hand still holding the crayon. "Color."

"Sorry, sweetheart," he replied, drawing another heart.

"Anyone hungry?" I asked, my throat tight with emotion.

"I had yogurt," Ariel replied, not looking up from her page.

"I am!" Flora scrambled up from her spot.

"Me," Diana said, climbing off Titus. She must have kneed him or something because his breath left him in a whoosh.

"Uncle Titus are you hungry?" Flora asked as she hurried around the coffee table.

"I'm alright, Flower," he replied. "Thanks though."

I picked up Diana as she reached me and watched Ariel for a moment. "You sure you don't want something else to eat?"

"No, thank you."

"Okay." I turned to leave the room just as Titus murmured to Ariel.

"You have really good manners."

"Does that mean I'm kind?" Ariel asked. "Because I am. Mostly. My mom is always kind. Even when Diana is screaming her head off."

"Manners are when you say please and thank you," Titus replied, his voice laced amusement. "I guess it's kinda like being kind."

"Oh, yeah," Ariel said nonchalantly. "My mom says you always gotta say please and thank you."

It was strange having Titus in the house as we went about our day. He played in the living room with the girls for most of the morning. By the time I corralled Diana for her afternoon nap, the older girls had somehow convinced him to take them outside during their quiet time. Esther met my eyes, making sure I was fine with it, before agreeing that they could go outside with Uncle Titus instead of playing quietly in Flora's room while Diana napped. The only condition was that they had to get the eggs out of the elaborate chicken coop in Otto and Esther's back yard.

"I hate chickens," Titus griped quietly to Esther as he followed the girls outside.

"Suck it up," she whispered back with a quiet laugh.

"You owe me."

"Have fun," she sang.

"I could've gotten the eggs," I said as Esther followed me and Diana up the stairs.

"The girls will do most of the work anyway," she said with a snicker. "He'll send them inside and stand safely out of range."

It only took a little while to get Diana to sleep, even though we could hear the girls playing in the back yard. Walking to the window, I pulled back the curtain and looked out.

Titus was standing next to the chicken coop with his fingers laced through the fence, and Esther had been right, he'd sent the little girls inside to get the fresh eggs. He was watching them closely and giving them directions while Flora laughed at him. She held a chicken out in front of her and acted like she was going to carry it toward his spot at the fence. I was pretty sure I heard his yelp as he dropped his hands and quickly backed up.

Meanwhile, Ariel was ignoring them as she checked the nesting boxes, a dirty egg in her hand already. I grimaced as she pulled out her shirt and made a little pocket for the eggs, dropping one in before reaching for another. I needed to remember to change it when she came inside to clean her hands.

Titus was saying something to Ariel and pointing to a corner of the coop.

Nodding, she walked over to where he'd pointed and excitedly picked up another egg. She turned to look at him, her face pinched in a confused scowl. Whatever he said to her had her expression smoothing as she nodded again.

I watched them for a long time. Flora focused on petting the chickens, cuddling them against her chest and kissing the tops of their heads, while Ariel explored the coop on an egg treasure hunt. Titus called out encouragement, staying a foot away from the fencing at all times. When they finally moved like they were going to come inside, I hurried away from the window. After grabbing Ariel a new shirt and checking to make sure Diana was still sleeping soundly, I headed back downstairs.

For my entire life, I'd been able to put the people in my life into neat little imaginary boxes. My parents had a box. Siblings had a box. Husband had a box. In-laws had a box. Friends from Bible study had a box. The women and men from church each had a separate box. Even Otto had his own box as Esther's husband. The only people I'd ever met that didn't have their own little filing place in my brain were my girls. They would've overflowed any box I'd tried to put them in. They were everything, uncontainable.

And now, I didn't know what to do with Titus. He didn't fit into a box either. He was too big for the box of old friends from high school and couldn't be contained into Otto's family's box either. I wasn't sure how to categorize him.

He was just…Titus. The more I watched him and talked with him, the more I saw the boy who'd sat with me in the library, talking about everything and nothing, patiently dealing with the fact that the girl he was spending his time with couldn't even acknowledge him in public.

"Otto's on his way here to pick me up," Esther told me as I reached the bottom of the stairs. "I'll be back in a couple hours."

"Sounds good."

"Do you need anything from the store?" she asked as she stuffed her feet into short rain boots. "We can stop on our way home."

"I can't think of anything." I watched her closely for a moment. Something didn't seem right. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she huffed, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "My back hurts and I'm tired and grouchy. So, you know, basically I'm just pregnant."

I laughed and helped her pull on her coat. "Not too much longer to wait!"

"And then I'll have a newborn," she replied with sarcasm laced cheerfulness. "Ugh. Ignore me. I'm just having a moment."

"Have all the moments you want," I assured her as I walked her to the door. "I'll make dinner so you can just relax after you get home."

"You're the best," she said, hugging me tightly just as Otto opened up the front door behind her.

"You're late," she said in exasperation, pulling away.

"Got here as soon as I could, Sugar," Otto said, ignoring her tone completely. "You ready to go?"

"Of course." Otto's eyes met mine, grinning, as she strode past him onto the porch.

"You remember how to set the alarm?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"If you forget, Titus knows," he reminded me before shutting the door between us.

I quickly went to the keypad to make sure that the alarm wasn't about to start blaring. It hadn't been set.

"I'll set it again," Titus said, coming out of the kitchen. "I turned it off while me and the girls were outside."

"Okay, thanks," I murmured, backing away.

"Uh," he glanced at me and grimaced. "Ariel's kind of a mess. She's got mud and chicken shit all—" he gestured in a wide circle over his torso. "Sorry."

"That's why I brought an extra," I said, lifting up the shirt in my hand.

"Super mom," he said softly, smiling before turning back to the keypad.

Ariel thankfully wasn't as messy as I'd been envisioning and it only took a few minutes before she and Flora were cleaned up and playing Legos in the living room—a rare treat that they were only allowed while Diana was sleeping. My youngest hadn't quite stopped putting things in her mouth yet.

Looking at the clock, I decided it was as good a time as any to put some dinner in the slow cooker. I was busy pulling ingredients for pork chops and gravy when Titus wandered into the kitchen.

"Did Esther say how long her appointment was?" he asked casually, leaning against the counter beside me.

"About an hour, I think," I replied, wondering why in the world he was standing so close. Should I scoot over and work further down the counter?

"Alright."

"I'm sure we'll be fine if you need to leave early," I said, glancing at him. Was he ready to leave? Once Otto was home, he wouldn't need to stay any longer. I was sure that we could manage by ourselves for an hour. We had the security system and the shotgun that Esther had stashed on top of the kitchen cupboards. It wasn't as if we were in any danger.

"I don't have anythin' goin' on," he replied, watching me. "Just curious how long those things take."

"Well, it depends," I murmured, dropping the pork chops into the slow cooker. Was he staying for dinner? How much should I be making? I was too nervous to ask, so I added a couple extra just in case. "Sometimes the appointments are running behind so it takes longer to even see anyone. I think it's a pretty fast appointment this time, but I think Esther had some questions so it might take a little longer."

"So, what you're sayin' is you have no idea how long they'll be gone," he teased.

"Basically," I said, a huff of laughter escaping me. "I've found that there's never any set timeframe with pregnancy or midwife appointments."

"Are you bummed that you can't see the same doctor this time around?" he asked curiously.

"No." The answer was easy. "I didn't have any emotional attachment to my midwife."

Titus watched me carefully but I didn't say anything more.

I would've been happy if I'd never seen my old midwife's face for the rest of my life. My births had been relatively easy, from what I'd heard from other women, but I'd never forget the look on her face as I'd cried. That memory was the only thing I allowed myself to remember.

"That looks good," Titus said, changing the subject. "How long does it take?"

"About four hours on high," I replied, grateful for the subject change. "It's kind of a lazy meal since you just dump everything in."

"That's the best kind," he said with a grin.

A few minutes later as I was washing my hands Diana called down from behind our bedroom door.

"Princess is awake," Titus announced.

"I hear her."

"Mama! Diana's awake!" Ariel yelled from the living room.

"Thank you," I called back, rolling my eyes.

Titus laughed.

"Get those Legos cleaned up," I ordered as I headed upstairs.

Diana was her usual grouchy self as I sat the girls down for a snack and with Titus at the table, teasing them and making them laugh, I didn't even realize how much time was passing. It wasn't until Flora climbed onto the couch and cuddled into my side that I thought to look at the clock.

We hadn't seen Esther and Otto in almost four hours.

Titus must've seen the look on my face as I rubbed Flora's back, because he quickly got to his feet and pulled out his phone, striding toward the kitchen.

"I'm hungry," Flora said with a dramatic sigh.

"It's almost dinnertime. Mom and Dad should be back any minute," I told her, kissing her head. "You want to help me pick up the toys so it's all nice and clean when she gets here?"

"Yeah!" She hopped off the couch and skirted around Diana and Ariel.

Glancing toward the kitchen, I wondered if Titus was talking to Otto. Maybe they'd stopped for lunch or something. There was no reason to be concerned that Esther was taking longer than she'd thought it would take. She was with her husband for pete's sake.

I was just about to go tell Titus not to call and bother them—they deserved a little time to themselves—when he walked back into the room, his expression carefully neutral.

My stomach sank.