Chapter 5

Noel

"They're in the second drawer," Titus said, jerking his chin at the cupboard as he strode toward me.

"What?" I looked at him in confusion. We were alone in the kitchen. Everyone else was outside. I didn't know what to say. Should I say something? I wasn't prepared. The room felt too small.

"The serving spoons are in the second drawer," he repeated, looking at me oddly.

"Oh, thanks," I murmured, shutting down my internal freak out.

The drawer he'd indicated was filled with hand towels.

"Um—" I turned to find him bent over the dishwasher, his jeans pulled tight over his butt and quickly spun back around. "I think this is the wrong drawer."

The dishwasher door closed with a thump.

"Yeah, it's this one," he replied, leaning past me to pull open the drawer next to the one I was in. "It's kind of a mess you'll have to sort through."

"Thanks," I croaked.

It only took me a minute or two to find a few serving spoons and I was acutely aware of the man behind me. The silence in the kitchen was so thick I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Pretending that I didn't notice him putting the empty bowl in the sink beside me, I turned toward the door.

Just as I reached it, his arm shot past me, his hand gripping the door handle.

"I got it," he murmured.

"Thanks," I whispered as he held the door for me.

I squinted as I walked into the sunshine of the back yard.

"Uncle Titus!" Asa screamed. The swarm of kids raced past me and I reached out an arm at the last minute, snagging Diana as she trailed behind them.

"You ready for dinner?" I asked, settling her on my hip as she squirmed.

"I hungry," she replied, reaching for the spoons in my opposite hand.

"Diana's seat is on the end," Emilia said, turning to grin at me as she reached for the spoons.

"Oh, thanks," I murmured.

"Kids at the little table," Heather announced, gesturing for the rest of the kids to sit. "Not you, Eloise. You're over here by Gran."

"I sit," Eloise complained.

"When you're bigger," Heather said, scooping her up.

"This is cool," I murmured as I reached the end of one of the picnic tables. There was a little seat that was just Diana's size latched onto the table. Reaching out, I pushed on it to make sure she wasn't going to go tumbling to the ground.

"It's sturdy," Otto's oldest brother Mick said kindly, watching me. "We bought them last year so we didn't have to keep dragging the high chair outside."

"Because for some reason our mother likes to eat while gettin' swarmed by bees," Titus added as he came closer.

I glanced around, realizing that the only seats left open were the two across from each other on each side of Diana.

"I like the fresh air," Heather countered from the other end of the table. "Dig in. I'll make the kids' plates." She looked toward the kid table. "Ariel, come tell Gran what you like."

Ignoring the lump in my throat at her casual inclusion of my eldest, who was happily soaking in the attention, I focused on putting food on our plates.

"Juice boxes okay for your girls?" Titus asked quietly, startling me.

"What?"

"I'm gonna grab drinks," he said, his lips curving up at the sides in amusement. "Can your girls have juice boxes?"

"Oh." He was so handsome. I couldn't look away from that little smile. My eyes shot to his. "Yes. Thank you. Yes."

Across the table, Mick chuckled quietly. From beside me, Emilia shushed him.

"You want somethin'?" Titus asked.

"Oh, uh, you don't have to get me anything," I stuttered.

"Grab me a beer," Mick cut in.

"Cherry soda, please," Emilia ordered.

Titus was still looking at me.

"Water?" I asked, my face burning. "Or whatever is easiest. I'll drink anything."

"Got it."

As soon as he'd walked toward the porch, Emilia turned to me, her eyes wide, a huge grin on her face.

"Stop it," I muttered under my breath.

"Good grief, Noel," she murmured. "Take a breath."

"I am," I whispered back. By the looks of amusement on the faces around the table, the seating arrangement hadn't been an accident.

"Water," Titus announced, setting it next to my plate. "Cherry soda." He tossed a can at his brother. "Beer."

Mick scowled at him.

"Next time get your own drink," Titus said easily, rounding the table to his own seat. "Hey, princess, you want some juice?"

"Appoe," Diana replied, watching his hands as he stuck the little straw in the juice box. "Appoe juice?"

"I think it's fruit punch, actually," he said, gently handing her the box, holding it steady as she chased the straw with her lips. "Still pretty good, though, right?"

"So, when are you due?" Mick asked me, pointing his fork at my belly.

"I have twelve weeks left," I replied, looking back at my plate. I needed to find a midwife soon. It was on my list of things to do the next day. Esther went to an office that was only women and I liked the idea of that but she wasn't sure if they were accepting new patients or not.

"Do you know what you're having?" Emilia asked, smiling over at me.

"A puppy," I joked, making her mouth drop open in surprise. "No, I don't know."

"You think it will be another girl?"

"Maybe." I shrugged. I didn't have a feeling one way or the other.

Titus shot to his feet, startling the crap out of me, and less than a second later, I was scrambling to get off the bench as he yanked Diana out of her little seat. Before I could even get to my feet, he'd turned her and thumped her on her back. Once, twice, and then she was spitting out whatever had been in her mouth.

"Oh my god," I breathed, finally on my feet as he thrust her toward me. "Thank you. What happened, baby?"

Diana coughed and cried, stuffing her face into my neck.

"You gotta cut the grapes, Mom," Titus snapped, glaring down the table toward his mom. "What the fuck?"

"I cut them," Heather replied, shooting to her feet.

"Well, you must'a fuckin' missed one!"

"Watch your tone," Tommy ordered.

"I sifted through them," Heather said apologetically to me, her eyes wide with worry. "I don't know how I missed one."

"It's okay," I murmured, rubbing Diana's back. "It happens."

"Fuck," Titus muttered, running his hand through his hair.

"She's fine," I said, watching as he braced his hands on his hips, breathing heavily. "It happens. She always eats so fast."

"I mean, probably not the best time, but…" Emilia said from her seat. "Language, Titus."

Titus huffed and shook his head. "Sorry, Em."

"What's wrong with Nana?" Ariel said, running around the table. "Is she okay?"

"She just choked on a piece of her food," I replied, crouching down so Ariel could see her. "She's okay."

"Nana, you gotta chew it," Ariel said, rubbing her sister's back.

"I choke," Diana announced, scowling as she lifted her head from my shoulder.

"All better?" I asked, running my hand over her head.

Diana glared over her shoulder at Titus.

"You should really say thank you," I murmured dryly into her ear.

"Can I sit with you?" Ariel asked, leaning against me, her hand gripping my dress as I stood back up.

"Sure. Go grab your plate."

Titus was using Diana's spoon to sift through her plate when I set her back in her little seat.

"That happened a few times when Asa was younger," Emilia told me as I sat back down. "It's so scary."

"I feel like I'm going to throw up," I replied quietly. "I didn't even see it."

"You would've," Mick said. "Titus moved pretty fast."

"Thank you," I said, meeting Titus's eyes as Ariel reached me, her plate held firmly with two hands.

"Come here, sister," I said, looking down at her. "You can sit on my lap."

It was a tight fit, considering that I didn't have a whole lot of lap to work with, but we made it work. From the moment Ariel settled in with her plate, she barely stopped talking to eat. Between bites she talked about the little playhouse Heather and Tommy had in their backyard, our room at Esther's house, the last time Diana had choked on a bite of pancake, and how sticky syrup is.

"Does your mom let you dunk your pancakes?" Titus asked, fully committed to the nonsensical conversation he was having with my four-year-old.

"What do you mean?" Ariel asked curiously.

"My mom always cut the pancakes into strips," he said, leaning forward on his elbows. "And gave me a little bowl of syrup so I could dunk them."

Ariel whipped her head around to glare at me. "You don't do that!"

"She's not goin' to unless you talk to her nicer," Titus warned nonchalantly.

"Sorry, Mama," Ariel said, kissing me on the chin before spinning back toward Titus. "I wanna dip my pancakes."

"You don't even like to dip your chicken nuggets," I reminded her, watching Diana. She was pretty much just playing with her food by that point.

"Sauce is gross," Ariel replied. "Syrup is good."

"Can't argue with that logic," Mick said in amusement.

As dinner came to an end, I started scooping up any leftover food from our plates so I could stack them.

"Don't worry about it," Mick said, waving me off.

Then, almost at once, the men got up and I watched in shock as they started clearing the long picnic tables. Even Rhett and Asa had jobs, picking up empty cans and juice boxes.

The women at the other table moved to ours while I sat there in confusion.

"We cooked," Nova explained as she dropped down across from Emilia. "So, they clean up."

"I know," Esther told me as she sat down in Titus's spot. "I was super confused the first time I saw them do it, too. Is Diana okay? What happened?"

"She choked on some fruit salad." I grimaced.

"And Titus sprung into action," Emilia added wryly.

"Someone had to." I swallowed hard. "I wasn't paying attention."

"You looked away for a second," Emilia replied consolingly. "Happens to all of us."

Heather's hands dropped down softly on my shoulders. I hadn't even seen her get up. "I'm so sorry. I thought I was being so careful."

"It's okay." I shook my head and looked up at her. "It was an accident."

"Still."Her eyes were on Diana.

Ariel squirmed on my lap. "I wanna help Asa."

"Well," Heather said dryly, her hands sliding off my shoulders as Ariel ran toward the kid table. "Someone needs to tell her that she's ruining forty years of training."

Emilia and Nova snickered.

"She'll learn soon enough," Myla said, turning to smile at me. "Don't clean up when it's their turn, because they definitely won't be helping when it's your turn."

"I don't know," Emilia replied, watching the kids. "I'm betting Asa will be helping the next time Ariel's cleaning up."

"Look at Flora's face," Esther said, chuckling.

Flora was scowling as she watched Ariel following Asa across the yard, plates in their hands.

"Flora come sit with auntie," Myla called out.

The conversation turned to pregnancy and all the things that came along with it. Myla was completely uninterested and played with Flora at the other end of the table, but Nova sat listening to us quietly.

"You don't have any children yet?" I asked quietly.

Nova shook her head. "No, but I raised my brother," she said with a smile. "Me and Rum would like to at some point, it just hasn't happened yet."

"It will," Heather said firmly, smiling softly at Nova. "Where's Ash tonight?"

"My grandma lives with us," Nova explained. "She told me to tell you she's sorry she missed it, but she had to work tonight."

"She needs to retire," Heather said with a huff.

"I don't think she knows what that word means," Nova said, laughter in her voice. "She likes being around people. She says it keeps her young."

"What does she do?"

"She works at an ice cream shop, actually," Nova said happily. "She loves it. She gets to give little kids treats all day."

"That does sound like a fun job," I said, smiling back at her.

"I told her to come work for me, but—" Nova shrugged. "She likes where she's at."

"Nova owns a spa," Esther told me.

"Calling it a spa is stretching it a bit," Nova joked. "It's just a little shop."

"And it's doing really well," Heather added proudly.

"That's really cool," I murmured, trying to ignore how intimidated I was being surrounded by such successful women. Nova owned her own business and Emilia was a real estate agent. I wasn't sure what Myla did, but Otto had mentioned that she'd graduated from college, so I was sure she had some fancy career, too.

"Do you know what you want to do?" Myla asked me. "There are a lot of people hiring right now."

"She doesn't have to worry about that yet," Esther said, cutting her off.

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I'm not really qualified for anything."

I barely noticed as men started streaming out of the house carrying plates of some kind of dessert.

"There are a ton of places that will train you," Myla said. "All you really need is a high school diploma."

Esther's jaw was tight as she looked at me. She'd tried to shut down the subject and it hadn't worked. I appreciated the loyalty more than I could've expressed. I just shrugged.

"I don't have a high school diploma," I said, smiling tightly. "I got married my junior year."

"Oh, shit," Myla mumbled. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." I shook my head. "I had Ariel less than a year later, so it was worth it."

Titus cleared his throat behind me and I froze as he set plates in front of me and Emilia. It looked like some kind of chocolate and whipped cream trifle.

"Thank you," I croaked.

"Does anyone want coffee?" Emilia asked brightly. "Titus will get it for you."

The rest of the women gave their orders, but I sat silently staring at my plate. Life was life, and I wasn't ashamed that I hadn't finished high school—but it was a little embarrassing. I'd loved school and I'd hated when I had to drop out, but there hadn't been much of a choice. Caleb was adamant that he didn't want me surrounded by boys all the time and we hadn't been able to afford the girls only private school in our area. I'd tried to homeschool, but without any support it had been pretty disastrous. Once Ariel was born it had been virtually impossible.

"Do you think you'd like to get your GED?" Nova asked, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand.

"That's on my list." I nodded, shaking off the embarrassment. "But…I've got a pretty long list."

"You should see her on the phone all day," Esther said proudly. "She's been calling around, getting all sorts of stuff set up for her and the girls. She's already switched her license over. It's like she's trying to move out already."

The women laughed.

"We like havin' them with us," Otto added as he set dessert in front of Esther and Nova. "Don't think my girls are gonna let them leave."

"I'm sure you love tripping over dolls all the time," I replied ruefully, smiling up at my brother-in-law.

"You kiddin'? Worth it for that casserole thing you made the other night."

"What? I want to know about this casserole," Esther said, waving her fork in the air.

The conversation was easy after that, everyone sharing their favorite dinner recipes and complaining about how boring it was trying to figure out what to make every night. As I sat surrounded by women that were living lives I hadn't imagined for myself since I was a teenager, I soaked it all up. It was surprising that they had a lot of the same complaints that the women I'd grown up with had. They worried about what to feed their families, the price of groceries, and how to juggle all the different parts of their life.

It was dark by the time we left. Ariel and Flora were practically stumbling as they made their way to the car.

"I'll grab her," Otto said quietly, as I looked at Diana asleep on the couch.

"I can't believe she fell asleep in the middle of all this." I gestured to the people moving around the house, calling out goodbyes.

"She played hard today," he said with a grin, sliding his hands under her. She was practically boneless as he lifted her up.

"We wore her out," Heather said as she watched us over the back of the couch. "All the kids will sleep good tonight!"

"Thanks for having us," I said, following Otto.

She pulled me in for a hug, holding me for a long moment.

"We're so happy you're here," she murmured.

"Me too."

"Okay, go," she ordered, letting go of me. "Before we both start blubbering like babies."

I let out a watery laugh. "Thanks for taking care of Esther for me," I said softly.

Heather's eyes filled with tears. "Dammit, Noel!" She shook her head as she ushered me toward the door. "I said I didn't want to cry."

I laughed a little as I followed Otto to the car. The big girls had already been buckled in and Otto was finishing up with Diana when I reached it.

"I'll follow you home," Otto said, gesturing for me to climb in.

His brothers and sisters were calling out their goodbyes as I opened my door and I waved, my gaze catching on Titus as he pulled on his motorcycle helmet.

He nodded at me in goodbye. Something inside me clenched tight as I nodded back and turned away.

"I am so tired," Esther called to me from the driver's seat. "I cannot wait to plop down on the couch. I'm going to have Otto rub my feet."

I climbed inside, looking out the window as Titus turned on his motorcycle.

"Did you have fun?" Esther asked as she turned on the car.

"I feel… full," I replied, sighing as I pulled my seatbelt on.

"Yeah, the Hawthorne's will do that," she said, smiling a little as she backed up.

That feeling didn't leave me as we drove home, the sleepy girls quiet in the back seat. It wasn't until we pulled into Esther's driveway, headlights illuminating a car parked there, that it began to drain away.

Esther parked near the front steps and she hadn't even turned off the car before Otto pulled up beside us. He turned off his bike and met Esther's eyes through the window.

"Stay in the car," he ordered.

I turned in my seat to look out the back window. Suddenly, I was empty again.