Chapter 4

Noel

"There's no way for them to contact me," I told my sister and Otto, sitting on the back patio while we watched the girls play on a homemade obstacle course. "I left Caleb's phone at the house."

"They have to at least suspect where you went," Esther replied quietly. "And Ephraim knows where we live."

"Doesn't matter," Otto said. "Your dipshit brother might muster up the balls to drive all the way down here—and we'll stay vigilant—but what are they gonna do once they get here? Noel's an adult. It would be a waste of their time."

We'd been living at Esther and Otto's house for four days already. It was amazing to me that even though me and the girls were sharing a small bedroom, and even though Diana hadn't slept through the night once, and even though we had no money and I had no idea what I was going to do moving forward—I was still more content than I could ever remember being. I woke up happy in the morning. I went to bed glad at night.

I'd never be able to repay Otto and Esther. Never.

"Caleb's parents might cause trouble," I said softly, making sure that the girls couldn't hear me. "His mom won't be happy that I brought the girls down here."

"Fuck her," Esther muttered, making my eyes widen in shock.

Her cheeks were red but there was no apology in her expression.

"She'll stay away from my nieces if she knows what's good for her."

"You tell 'em," Otto said in amusement, lifting his coffee mug to his lips.

"Now that we have Flora—" Esther shook her head. "I just can't imagine raising kids the way we were raised," she told me through her teeth. "Especially not daughters. Thank God you got out."

"I should've done it sooner," I murmured, watching Ariel jump off a short stump, her hair flying around her face.

"We do what we can, when we can," Esther replied supportively. "At least you're not Mom. She's still there."

"And remarried," I mumbled.

"Idiot," Esther breathed, shaking her head. "I saw Becka last year."

"You did?" Our cousin had never mentioned it. I hadn't seen Becka very often since we lived so far apart, but I'd been in contact with her.

"Oh, yeah," Esther said with a humorless laugh. "She practically ran away, dragging her kids with her."

"Her husband is nice," I said, glancing at my sister's pinched face. "I mean, he's part of the church so he's—"

"Misogynistic?"

"Has very narrow views," I countered. "But he always seemed really nice. Kind to her. Kind to me."

"He actually spoke to you? Amazing."

"I just mean, she doesn't seem to be suffering or anything."

"Well, good for her," Esther said flatly. "I'm glad Becka is doing so well." She got up from her seat and walked inside.

"It's a sore subject for her," Otto said consolingly, shooting me a small smile. "Becka was the one person Esther thought would have her back and she didn't. Your uncle and aunt are trash, but she thought Becka would come through or at least reach out and she never has."

"Esther always gave Becka more credit than she should've," I replied. "Yeah, she fit in with the outside world and pushed boundaries—but she'd never actually go against her parents. What Esther saw as independence was really just Becka trying to fit in wherever she was. She's always been spineless."

"Not like you and your sister," Otto teased. "You two just quietly bide your time until you're ready to make a move."

"That's a flattering way to look at it."

"Esther's one of the strongest people I've ever met," he replied. "and this mornin' you're runnin' a close second."

"Thank you for all of this—"

"Don't," Otto ordered, shaking his head. "Nothin' to thank us for. We've been waitin' for you to come and we're happy as hell to have you here."

Diana chose that moment to let out an ear-piercing screech as she chased Flora across the yard.

"You sure about that?" I asked dryly.

"Icing on the cake," he replied, smiling.

The days flew by and we fell into a routine with Esther's family that brought me so much joy and peace that some days I wondered if I was glowing from the inside out. On the days that Otto worked, Esther and I made breakfast together and then alternated getting ready for the day while the other watched the kids. The girls played like they'd known each other all their lives. Some days we took them to the park. We grocery shopped. Spent time over at Otto's mom's house with Emilia and her little ones. I transferred my driver's license from Washington to Oregon, using Esther's address and signed up for any and all state assistance I could get. It would take a while for everything to go through, but it made me feel like we were moving forward.

Otto and Esther never mentioned me and the girls moving out, and I knew there was no hurry, but at some point we were going to need our own place. It felt good knowing that I was taking steps to make that happen. I wasn't sure how, exactly, I'd ever be in a position to afford a place of our own, but I was determined to make it happen.

The girls had taken the loss of their father pretty much exactly the way I'd expected it. Ariel had cried in confusion for a few minutes before getting distracted by something Flora was doing, and Diana had absolutely no idea what I was even trying to explain. She hadn't noticed or cared that we hadn't seen him in almost two weeks. Caleb had spent most of the girls' lives preoccupied with literally anything other than his daughters and while he hadn't been unkind, he also hadn't been present. I couldn't remember a time when he'd ever even kept an eye on them so I could use the bathroom. As far as my daughters were concerned, their lives weren't any different beyond the change in scenery and their new family members.

Surprisingly, I was so busy building a life that I was able to ignore the fact that I'd seen Titus and we'd barely spoken. I couldn't escape thoughts of him during the quiet moments, though—much like when we'd been living in Washington. When the girls were asleep for the night and I was lying in bed awake, I'd remember the way his eyes had met mine in the rearview mirror. The questions swirling in his gaze that he hadn't asked. The way he'd picked up Diana like he'd done it a thousand times before. The fact that he'd known just how to buckle and unbuckle a car seat.

I was too afraid to ask Esther about him. Was he married? Did he have children? What had his life been like while I'd been gone? I wanted to know everything, but I was too worried that it would look like I'd come back for him—so I didn't mention him at all.

As I pulled one of Esther's dresses over my head—a perk of being pregnant at the same time as my sister was definitely how my wardrobe options had tripled—I wondered if he'd be at the family dinner that night. It was so wild to me that we'd been raised in a household that had warned about how terrible outsiders were, yet Otto's mom Heather may have been one of the kindest people I'd ever met. She'd welcomed me and the girls into the fold as if we'd always been there, more than happy to include the girls in any plans she made with the rest of her grandchildren.

I was thankful for her presence in our lives, but I had to admit that I was secretly nervous about the family dinner she'd planned for us. I'd seen all of Otto's siblings and their spouses separately over the last week but I had a feeling that seeing them all at once was going to be an entirely different experience. I wasn't used to big group settings anymore. Years ago, I'd gone to the church meetings and worship services with my brother and later my husband, but Caleb had wanted me to stay home after I had Ariel. A weekly women's group had really been the only socializing I'd done, and there were rarely more than five of us in attendance.

"Is Asa gonna be there?" Ariel asked from the foot of the bed, jumping around like she couldn't contain her excitement.

"I think so," I replied, buttoning the front of my dress. Esther was a little taller than me but otherwise we were the same size and the dress fit perfectly.

"He's gonna bring his car," she told me importantly. "So I can drive it."

"You're not old enough to drive," I teased, pulling on the flats that I'd also borrowed from Esther.

"It's a BC car," she replied in exasperation.

"An RC car?" I asked, my mouth twitching.

"Yeah."

"You know what that stands for?" I kissed Diana on the head and she didn't even notice as she pulled a little plastic bracelet on and off her wrist. "A remote control car."

"I know," Ariel replied easily.

"Sure you did," I mumbled, lifting her onto the bed. "Let's brush your hair."

"I want one pony," she ordered.

"Just one? Not two?"

"One pony like Flora."

I grabbed the brush and a tiny hair tie off the top of the dresser and waited.

"Please," she said, turning to grin at me.

"That's better," I replied, poking her gently in the side just to hear her giggle. Thankfully I'd seen Flora's hair before I brought the girls in to get ready and it only took a few seconds to pull the top of her hair back and secure it. "There you go. You're going to look like twins."

"We're not twins," Ariel said, climbing off the bed. "Flora is taller."

"That's true," I agreed. "But you have the same blonde hair."

"Nana doesn't have any hair," Ariel said, looking at her sister's head. "When's she gonna get hair?"

"Probably pretty soon," I replied, mentally crossing my fingers as I checked the diaper bag to make sure we had everything we needed. "You ready?"

"Yes!" Ariel shouted, startling Diana.

"Come on, baby," I said, lifting her into my arms before she could start wailing. "Let's go over to—"

"Papa and Gran's," Ariel said, doing some weird motion with her arms.

"What?"

"Uncle Otto's mama and daddy," Ariel clarified as I followed her slowly down the stairs.

"Oh, honey." I grimaced. Tommy had mentioned calling him papa, but I wasn't sure. "You should probably shouldn't call them—"

"All the kids call them Gran and Papa," Otto interrupted me, reaching out to slide the diaper bag off my shoulder. "As long as you're cool with it?"

I thought about it for a moment. The chance of Ariel and Diana ever seeing Caleb's parents again was really slim if I had anything to say about it, and it wasn't as if my mom would ever reach out either. I swallowed hard. Otto's parents might be the closest thing they ever had to grandparents.

"Yeah, that's fine with me," I replied. "Are you sure?"

"I think they'd be offended if Ariel and Diana called them anything else," he said as he led us out to the car. "Come on, Esther and Flora are already loaded up."

"I'm sorry you can't ride with us." Esther's car only fit five people and the car seats barely fit.

"Don't mind," he replied, opening the back door so I could put Diana in. "Come on, Ariel, I'll buckle you in."

"You look pretty," Esther said from the driver's seat as I buckled the baby in. "That dress looks better on you."

"I doubt it."

"No really," she insisted.

"I'm just glad you still wear dresses," I joked, shutting Diana's door.

By the time I'd made my way around to my seat, Otto was on his motorcycle, waiting to follow us.

"I have a pair of overalls," Esther whispered as soon as I'd climbed into my seat. She grinned mischievously. "I'm still not comfortable in jeans."

"Then I'm guessing leggings are out, too?"

Esther cackled. "No way. I don't want anyone looking at my butt!"

"I want some leggings," I countered, leaning back in my seat as we pulled out onto the road. "And sweatpants!"

"I wear sweatpants around the house." She shrugged.

"Is it weird?" We hadn't really talked about how different her life was now. I guess my life was different, too, but I hadn't really felt the effects of it yet. "You know, wearing whatever you want. Cutting your hair short." I gestured toward her hair.

"This isn't that short," she replied dryly. "But I am glad that I can wear it down. Pulling it back all the time was giving me terrible headaches."

I found my hand smoothing my hair back self-consciously.

"It looks fine," she told me, like she could read my mind. "And I still wear mine up sometimes—old habits die hard. But yeah, I don't think it's weird so much as… a relief. You know? Not having all of those arbitrary rules. Who cares how we wear our hair or if we want to put makeup on? Who cares if someone sees our elbows? I've been with Otto for more than six years, and I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't think my bare elbows are giving him lustful thoughts."

"Oh, I don't know," I joked. "You've got some nice elbows."

Esther snickered.

"I think the best part is just—I don't have to worry about every little thing. I can wear whatever I'm comfortable in. I can make any facial expression I want. I can say whatever I want. I mean, I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings, obviously, but when I'm mad at Otto he wants me to say something. He wants me to argue. He says how would I ever know that you need somethin' different from me if you don't fuckin' say it?"

"You swear now," I murmured. That may have been the strangest part of Esther's transformation.

"Rarely," she replied with a shrug. "Otto's family swears all the time though and it rubs off on you."

"It was nice of Heather to set up this family dinner," I said, glancing back at the girls. All of them were still facing backward, but Otto had set up a little row of mirrors so we could see them from the front seat.

"Are you nervous?"

"No."

"Liar." Esther smiled. "He'll be there."

"Who?"

"Oh, please," she snorted. "Titus. You know, your little partner in crime."

"That was a long time ago."

"He's single, you know."

"No," I replied stiffly. "I didn't know that."

"He's never really had a girlfriend," she continued, ignoring my tone entirely. "I mean, I know he's gone out with women and stuff, but no one seriously enough that we ever met them."

"He's still young," I replied nonchalantly, like I didn't care one way or another.

I shouldn't care. What Titus did had nothing to do with me. Yes, he'd been the center of my world for the few months when we'd snuck around, but that was years ago. A lot had happened since then. Too much had happened. The life that we'd planned out on the floor of the local library was gone. A figment of two very active imaginations. It wasn't even fair of me to think of him the way I did, or remember the things I that refused to forget.

"Maybe he's just been waiting around for the right person," Esther mused as we pulled into Heather and Tommy's driveway.

"I hope he finds her," I replied, putting an end to the conversation. "He's a good guy."

"The best," she agreed quietly.

The next few minutes were chaotic as we got the girls out of their seats, and the few minutes after that weren't any better as we joined the madhouse inside. Kids ran through the house and out the back door as their parents helped get food and drinks ready. Without pausing what she was doing, Heather ordered me and Esther to bring a couple of platters of vegetables outside to the picnic tables in the back yard.

"Good thing the weather's nice," Esther said to me as I followed her. "It gets pretty crowded when everyone has to eat inside."

"There're my girls," Tommy announced, setting down his beer and striding toward us. "Lookin' gorgeous. Bloomin'."

"I'm huge," Esther teased as he kissed the top of her head. "You can say it."

"You're perfect," he argued, kissing the top of my head. "And so are you."

He took the platter out of my hand and carried it to the table, but I couldn't make my feet move. He'd kissed my head. Like it was nothing. He'd just kissed my head and walked away like it was the most normal thing in the world. I couldn't even be embarrassed about the way I'd frozen in place, because I was so stunned that he'd done it. I couldn't remember the last time a male had casually kissed me. I didn't think it had ever happened, actually. My dad had never been affectionate. Racking my brain, I tried to remember if my uncle had ever kissed my head the way Tommy just had, but I didn't think so.

"They're affectionate," Nova said quietly. She seemed to be the only one who had noticed my small freakout. Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, she led me back toward the kitchen. "Hopefully, you'll get used to it, because I don't know that they could stop it even if they tried."

"I just—" I shook my head, struggling to put my thoughts into words.

"One of the best things Grease and Callie taught their children, who then taught their children, is how to show affection. They hug and they kiss and they tease, it's like breathing. They do it without thinking."

"I just wasn't expecting it," I said quietly, embarrassment finally kicking in.

"I grew up with it," Nova replied. "So, I don't think anything of it. But I could see that it freaked you out. You looked a little shellshocked."

"Don't tell Tommy," I blurted, glancing toward the door. "I don't want him to feel bad."

Nova smiled. "I won't."

"We're having hamburgers, baked beans, potato salad, green salad and….something else I can't remember," Heather announced, swiping her hair away from her face. "I hope that works."

"Diana will eat anything," I replied, moving toward her. "Ariel's a little pickier, but she'll find something she likes."

"Oh good," she said with a little laugh. "I realized about a half an hour before you got here that I hadn't even asked, but by then it was too late to change course."

"It's perfect," I assured her. "Thank you so much for doing this."

"Of course," she replied, smiling at me. "We're glad you're here. It's reason to celebrate."

"I'm gonna eat all the tomatoes," Asa bellowed as he ran through the kitchen and out the door, Flora, Ariel, Eloise, and finally Diana, chasing after him.

"Plus," Heather mused as the door swung halfway shut behind them. "It gave me an excuse to make everyone come over."

"You're lucky your family is so close," I said, stacking the napkins she'd been pulling out. Everyone had moved outside and it was only the two of us.

"Not lucky," she corrected, shaking her head. "We worked for it. Me and Tommy always knew that we wanted our kids to be close like he and his siblings are. I have a sister, too, but we never had that kind of relationship. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I didn't really mind when she moved down to California because we didn't spend much time together anyway, you know? Tommy and his siblings aren't like that. They talk to each other most days and can't imagine it any other way."

"That's nice."

"It is," she agreed, crouching down. "I have a feeling that's how you and Esther will be from now on."

"I hope so, especially since I'm living with her. It would be pretty awkward if we weren't talking," I joked.

Heather made a pfft noise, her head still inside the cupboard. "You'll have your own place soon enough, I bet. Enjoy this time while you have it."

"I will."

"Where the hell did I put that bowl?" she complained.

Movement out of the corner of my eye made me turn.

Titus was standing only a few feet away, unmoving in the middle of the kitchen.

We didn't say anything as we stared at each other.

He was bigger than I remembered. Taller, but also broader. His face was covered in a five o'clock shadow that he definitely hadn't been able to grow when he was seventeen, and there were laugh lines at the edges of his eyes that hadn't been there before either. The brackets at the corners of his mouth were deeper and his jaw was more defined, but his eyes were the same.

I wondered what he saw when he looked at me.

"Dammit, I think it's in the stupid dishwasher," Heather said, rising to her feet. "Oh, hi, honey. You're late."

"Hey, Ma," he said roughly, the spell broken. "I'm right on time and you know it."

His voice was deeper. Why hadn't I noticed that his voice was deeper?

"Would you check the dishwasher for my blue bowl?" she asked, picking up the napkins and silverware. "Put that salad in it and bring it out to the table. I think Dad's almost done with the burgers."

"Why can't you bring it out in this bowl?" Titus asked as she headed toward the door.

"Because it doesn't match." She glanced over her shoulder. "Noel, grab the serving spoons on your way out, will you, doll?"

I opened my mouth to tell her that I had no idea where the serving spoons were, but she was out the door before I could say a word.

Leaving me alone with Titus.