Chapter 13

Noel

"Look at you," my sister teased as she helped Flora out of her car seat.

I lifted a hand and ran it down one of my braids. I'd woken up that morning after a night of restless sleep and finally decided, I didn't like wearing my hair in a bun. After a little trial and error, I'd finally figured out how to do French braids on my own hair and was currently wearing two of them.

"Do you like them?" I asked. They were looser than they should've been, and a few tendrils had escaped in the front but I thought they looked good. They made my face look softer somehow. Less uptight.

"You look beautiful," my sister replied, rolling her eyes as Flora flew past us toward the house without a word of hello. "You look your age."

"So, like, you really like them?" I joked, flipping one over my shoulder.

Esther laughed. "You're not that young," she teased. "What made you want to change them?"

The easy answer could've been the fact that I'd kissed Titus. Or he'd kissed me. I wasn't really sure which one of us had moved first. But I knew it was far more complex than that.

"Myla, Lou, and Frankie came over for dinner last night," I told her, shrugging.

My sister nodded knowingly. She understood better than anyone how the change from belonging to a super conservative church that controlled everything about you, to the huge wide world that barely had any rules in comparison, felt. At first, nothing fit. Everything seemed odd and wild and uncontrolled. But after a little bit, things started to calm, and you noticed pieces of the big wide world that you'd like for yourself.

I was done scraping my hair into a tight knot every morning before I went downstairs.

"It suits you," she said, coming over to give me a hug. "Now I need to go before I'm late."

"Okay, love you!"

"Love you too, be back in a few hours."

I went back into the house as she drove away and found the girls setting up a new little wooden train set that Cian had brought home a few days before.

I hadn't seen him again after he'd walked out the night before and I hoped that he hadn't been too uncomfortable with the conversation we'd been having. I hadn't meant to cause a big debate about the whole thing, I'd just answered honestly. I was nervous about having the baby in the birth center since I'd never done it before. I knew everything would be fine, but that didn't mean that I was looking forward to it. I dreaded having to stay there overnight. I hated the thought of leaving the girls for that long, especially Diana, because she wouldn't understand. I wished that I could just have the baby in my own house, familiar scents and sights around me, with the girls just a room away if they needed me.

No one needed to remind me that I didn't have my own house. I was living in Titus's house and I would never in a million years ask him if I could have the baby there. We'd already taken up enough of his time and energy and money. It would be really… shitty if I asked to give birth there, too.

"I want the red one," Ariel announced as they scrambled for the little trains. "You can have yellow."

"Want purple," Diana argued.

"There is no purple," Ariel reminded her.

"Purple," Diana said stubbornly.

I sat down on the couch and watched them as they worked it out, Flora ending up with the yellow train and Diana with the blue. The girls convinced her it was the closest color to purple.

My mind wandered back to that kiss in the kitchen and what it could possibly mean going forward.

I loved him. I must've known it on some level before. It was why I still trusted him after being apart for so long. Why I'd known that moving in with him was the right thing to do. Why I couldn't help but watch him as he went about his day, somehow fascinated with the way he held the remote, or kicked his boots off after work, or carried the girls from one room to another. But it was the night before when the surety of it hit me.

When Bas had said that thing about women dying in childbirth at the hospital and Titus had gone bone white, barely breathing as he'd stared at Bas in horror—that was the moment I realized I loved him. It wasn't his reaction that made me come to the realization. It was the fact that I couldn't bear his reaction, that would've done anything in that moment to erase the fear in his eyes.

The kiss helped, though.

Any lingering thought that my sexuality had disappeared when I was seventeen was gone. I wasn't dried up. I couldn't take or leave sex. Because I wanted it. I wanted it with Titus. I wanted to see him naked and climb into his bed and I wanted to touch him everywhere and I wanted him to do the same thing to me. As I'd lay there in bed the night before, replaying the kiss in my head, I'd realized with shock, that I didn't care what that meant about me. I didn't care if that meant I was a horrible person. I didn't care if that made me a whore. I just didn't care.

I was living with a man that was everything I would ever want. He was kind and thoughtful, protective and strong. He loved me and he loved my girls and he was good for us. He teased us and he played with us and he looked at us like we were the best thing he'd ever seen. I knew down to my bones that he would never hurt us. It had been almost seven years since the first time Titus Hawthorne first held my hand and even though we'd been apart for so long and both of us had separate lives during that time, nothing had really changed.

"Mama, you want a train?" Diana asked, crawling onto my lap.

"No thanks, baby," I murmured. "That's a really cool blue train, though."

I was going to talk to Titus that night. After the girls were in bed, I was just going to say it. I was going to tell him I love him. He deserved to know it. After that, I wasn't sure what would happen.

"Someone's at the door," Flora said, shaking my leg. "Someone's knocking."

"Huh," I murmured, hearing the knock. I must've been too distracted to hear it the first time. I set Diana on the floor. "One of the guys probably ordered something and they're just dropping it off."

It had happened before and I usually just let the delivery person leave it on the porch. I didn't think that opening the door and practically announcing that I was at home alone with the girls all the time was a very smart thing to do. We lived with three very capable men, and when they were home I felt more secure than I ever had in my entire life, but we lived in the country and the closest neighbor wasn't very close, so I figured it was better safe than sorry.

"They're knocking again," Ariel announced, like I couldn't hear the person knocking.

"It's okay, I'll get it," I said, shooting her a look as I crossed the room.

I should've looked out the window. It was really stupid of me to just swing the door open. But, I was distracted and happy, so that's what I did.

My father-in-law didn't let me say a single word before he pushed into the house, almost knocking me over in the process.

It felt like time slowed down. His hand wrapped around my arm like a vise, keeping me upright, and his gaze swept across the room, taking in ArieAriel, Diana, and Flora were staring at him wide eyed from the floor.

"Grandpa?" Ariel asked in confusion, moving like she was going to stand before dropping back down again. She'd never had reason to fear him, she'd never been around him enough for him to give her a reason, but she did recognize him. I watched as her expression morphed from surprise to caution in the blink of an eye.

"Dirty whore," Carl hissed, his hand tightening as he shoved me away from the door. "Get your things."

"Carl," I murmured, my eyes on the girls.

Flora was wide eyed and she'd wrapped her arm around Diana's shoulders, either to shield her or to hold her in place, I couldn't tell.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice that you're living in sin with a man?" he spat, giving me a little shake. "My son's barely cold and you're already whoring yourself to some scum biker while my granddaughters watch."

"Mama?" Diana called out, her voice trembling. Flora shushed her.

"It's not what you think," I murmured, trying and failing to somehow move us farther from the girls. "I'm the housekeeper, Carl. I'm working here for room and board. The girls and I have our own rooms. I can show you if you want."

If I could get him upstairs, maybe Flora would know to hide. There was a cupboard in the kitchen with nothing in it. Diana had crawled in there a few days before while I was cooking lunch and I never would've found her if I hadn't heard her giggling. There was also space in the pantry. The raspberry bushes were getting ready to bloom. If they could make it outside, they could hide between the rows. It would give them a little bit of time and if the neighbors saw a stranger creeping around the house, maybe they'd call the police. It was a long shot, but it could happen.

"Lying bitch," Carl snapped, shoving me away from him.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Flora moving her arm slowly onto the couch before pulling it back down again.

"I'm not lying," I gasped, trying to stay on my feet.

"Get your things," he ordered. "You and the girls are coming home."

I wasn't sure what to say. I knew that I couldn't get into the car with him. That I would never allow my children anywhere near him. But I was so afraid to contradict him.

"Let's talk about this," I said.

I expected and braced for backhand across my cheekbone. I'd known it was coming. I'd seen him with his wife and I'd been anticipating violence since the moment I opened the door and locked eyes with him—but it still broke my heart. Because as I staggered to the side, I could hear the girls beginning to sob in fear and there was nothing I could do.

Carl had at least a hundred pounds on me and with the girls just feet away and my belly making my center of gravity completely off, I couldn't run.

"Okay," I murmured, holding my hand to my cheek like I knew he expected. "Okay, our things are upstairs."

"Go get them," he barked.

I glanced at the kids. "Can I go to them first, please?" I asked softly. "They're scared."

Carl clenched his jaw and looked over at the girls. He still hadn't even seemed to realize that I had an extra child with me. It was as if, because Flora looked so much like Ariel, he looked at them and assumed they were all mine.

"Fine," he said, jerking his head. "Shut them up."

He stood in the entryway as I hurried over to the girls and the moment I reached them, their little hands gripped and pulled at me, the three of them trying to get as close as possible. I held them tight, yanking them against me as if I could absorb them into my body, safe with the baby who was currently quiet inside my belly.

"He's a bad man," Flora whimpered into my ear.

"Mama," Diana repeated over and over, snot running down her face.

Ariel was silent, her eyes dark with terror.

"It's okay, girls," I murmured. "It's okay."

"Hurry up," Carl ordered, crossing his arms over his chest.

I only had moments. Just moments to make a decision that I knew would haunt me for the rest of my life.

"You're okay," I told Ariel, cupping her cheek with my hand. "Stay here. Stay quiet."

Ariel silently shook her head, her fingers digging into my arm.

I looked at Flora. "Stay here," I whispered slowly. "Stay quiet."

Flora's lip trembled but she nodded.

"So quiet," I whispered.

She nodded again.

I looked back to Ariel. "Stay with Flora, Mermaid," I breathed, looking into her eyes. "Understand?"

Fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she gave me a very small nod.

I pulled them to me and kissed the tops of their heads. Flora whispered something in my ear, her voice so quiet that I barely caught it. Then I rose to my feet with Diana in my arms.

"Can I take her up with me?" I asked Carl meekly, keeping my eyes lowered. "She doesn't understand."

Diana's arms were wrapped so tightly around my throat, her little knees pressed into my sides, that I could've let her go completely and she would've stayed right where she was.

"Fine," Carl said, waving me toward the stairs. "You've got five minutes."

I nodded and carefully moved around him, my heart breaking as I walked away from Ariel and Flora.

I hurried up the stairs and into the girls' room, grabbing Flora's blankie and pacifier out of her crib where I'd left them that morning. She took them from me without loosening her grip and laid her head down on my shoulder.

My mind was racing in every direction as I turned toward my room, then back toward the girls' closet, and then back toward my room. Then I remembered.

A few days before when Cian had gotten home early from work, the girls had followed him up to his room before I realized it. By the time I'd realized they weren't downstairs, I found them bouncing on his bed. They liked it more than ours because his bed was high off the floor, not low platforms like ours. I hurried across the hallway and into the room.

Silently, I kneeled down on the floor and peeled Diana away from me.

"Shh," I murmured as she started to cry. "You have to be very very quiet, okay?"

"No quiet," she argued, hiccuping.

"Very quiet," I said again, setting her on the floor. "We're going to play a game."

Every second that passed made my heart race faster.

"You crawl under Mr. Cian's bed and hide," I whispered. "And I'll go tell Ariel and Flora to come find you."

"No hide," Diana whimpered, reaching for me. She was being too loud. It wasn't going to work.

Oh god.

"Diana," I snapped, something inside me breaking as she froze.

"You have to hide," I said slowly, my heart in my throat as she stared at me. "You have to hide right now and be very quiet."

She didn't argue that time, instead she let me help her under the bed, her entire body shaking with silent sobs as I pushed her toward the middle.

"I love you," I breathed, reaching out to run my fingers over her cheek.

I pulled the mess on Cian's floor back around and under the bed, hiding even a hint of Diana before I got back to my feet.

Then as quietly as I could, I shut Cian's door and walked calmly down the hall and into Titus's room. I was back out in a second. It only took me a few minutes to shove clothes and toys into our suitcase and bag before carrying them from the girls' room to mine, shutting each door between. I paused, just for a moment, my hands resting on the bags.

My heart was thundering but my steps were steady as I walked to the top of the stairs.

"I'm all packed," I called down. "But I can't carry them down the stairs."

The relief that hit me as I heard Carl's heavy footsteps on the stairs made me light-headed.

"Where?" Carl barked.

"They're on my bed," I replied, leading him down the hallway.

I walked inside my room and gestured toward the bags.

"Where's the baby?" Carl asked as he lumbered forward.

"I put her in her crib," I murmured.

As soon as he'd passed me, I took a shallow breath and closed the door between us, fitting the key into the lock in almost the same movement. He wasn't an idiot, and his palm banged against the door just as I ripped the key back out.

I'd realized the first night we slept there that Titus had bought the wrong kind of doorknobs for our bedrooms. While they did have locks that required a key to get in, the opposite side didn't have a latch. So, while you could lock the door from the outside, it was impossible to unlock or lock it from the inside. I hadn't known that they even made locks like that, but needless to say, we hadn't locked them at any point and Titus had assured me he'd go get new knobs, but we'd forgotten.

I was thankful for that as Carl's hand slammed against the wood again. The doors weren't very sturdy and Carl was a big man. I'd corralled him for the moment, but I knew with absolute certainty that he wouldn't stay in there for long.

I'd never moved faster in my life than I did as I raced back for Cian's room. Diana was silent as I yanked her out from under the bed, her face swollen and covered in tears. Carl slammed against the door again as we reached the hallway, and the door splintered.

Diana didn't even flinch as we flew away from him, down the stairs and through the living room. The girls weren't there. I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

"Flora?" I called, looking everywhere as I ran toward the kitchen. "Ariel?"

"Here," Flora called back quietly. She and Ariel tumbled out of the empty kitchen cabinet.

"Let's go," I ordered, reaching for Ariel's hand and lifting her off the floor. "Hurry."

I grabbed my purse off the hook just as I heard Carl break through the doorway upstairs.

"Run," I breathed, dragging the girls with me as we raced toward the front door.

We just needed a little more time.

I flung open the front door and shoved the girls out ahead of me, Diana hanging like a monkey from my neck as Carl stomped down the stairs.

Then we were running, down the porch, across the grass, and onto the gravel, my car like a beacon in the driveway.

Carl's bellow reached me just as I threw open the back door of my car and shoved the girls inside, not bothering with car seats or belts. I slammed the door behind them and reached for the driver's side door, Carl getting closer and closer with every second, when the sound of Harley pipes roared up the road.

It was so loud that I could feel the rumble beneath the soles of my bare feet.

When I'd seen Flora reaching onto the couch I hadn't realized what she was doing. It hadn't been until she whispered in my ear that I'd known she'd seen my phone on the cushion and called her dad.

I'd known they were coming. I just wasn't sure if they would make it in time.

I yanked my door open and fell inside, jerking it closed behind me. My fingers scrambled for the door lock as Carl reached us.

Locked.

"Open this door," he roared, pounding on the window.

It was as if he didn't even notice the men that were suddenly filling up the driveway.

He hit the window harder.

"Get down on the floor," I ordered the girls. "Cover your faces."

He was going to break the glass. He was going to break it and then he'd be able to reach me. I scrambled across the center console, the parking brake scraping down my back as I tried to get away. My hands shook as I tried to pry my keys out of my purse. If I could just get the car started, I could drive away from him.

I had just got the keys free and was separating the car key from the rest on the ring when suddenly, Carl was no longer there.

"Daddy!" Flora screamed, shooting up from her place on the floorboard.

Then Otto was there at the window, his eyes frantic as he took us in. He glanced behind him for a moment before meeting my eyes. "Unlock the doors, sweetheart," he said gently, his voice startlingly low and deep.

I was shaking so bad that it took me a moment to get back over into the driver's seat. The moment I did, I unlocked the doors.

My door and the back door were both thrown open at once. Otto reached for Flora in the back.

Then suddenly, I was looking into Bas's deep-brown eyes. I noticed distractedly that his face was so pale he almost looked gray.

"I'm sorry," I said.

The sound around me was muffled, like my ears were full of water.

As Otto moved back with Flora, his brother Rumi reached inside and picked up Diana, who was closer to the door. Then Cian was there, reaching for an unresisting Ariel.

It felt like I was watching a movie as they lifted my babies out of the car. Like I was there, but not. There was something separating me from what was happening around me.

"Come on," Bas said softly as he helped me out of the car.

The world spun as Ariel reached for me, and I stumbled to the side as I took her in my arms. Then Diana was there, too, and we were all holding each other so tightly. Bas was holding me up from behind as he herded us toward the house.

I just kept whispering that I was sorry. Over and over again. I was so sorry. I was so sorry.

Diana stuffed her face against my neck and I belatedly realized that I wasn't holding her. My arm was around her, but I wasn't supporting her weight. Bas was. I was holding Ariel.

Ariel who was still silent, her hands fisted in my hair.

I made it to the front steps before my legs went out from under me. There was only so much that Bas could do, and when I went down, he broke the fall but he couldn't stop the momentum.

"Titus," Bas yelled.

I was on the bottom step, the girls wrapped around the entire top half of me, when Titus fell to his knees in front of me.

His hands were everywhere. My face, my hair, my arms, Ariel's head, her back, Diana's head, her back, each of their arms and legs. His eyes were frantic as his hands physically searched for injury.

"I'm sorry."

"Sugar," he breathed.

"What happened?" my sister yelled from somewhere, her voice trembling with fear.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, staring into Titus's eyes.

"Stop, baby," he murmured gently.

Without a word, Ariel's arm flew out and she gripped his shirt in her little fist.

He leaned forward with a shudder, wrapping himself around us.

"I'm takin' care of it," Tommy said from somewhere above us. His voice was almost unrecognizable, there was so much rage in it. The affable, kind man that I knew was no longer there. I didn't care.

"I'm sorry," I breathed, dropping my head against Titus's shoulder, the scent and feel of him centering me.

Neither of my girls had spoken.

"Are you okay?" Titus asked, his lips against my ear. "Tell me you're okay."

I nodded.

Diana's little peach fuzz covered head rubbed against my jaw and I shuddered. She was so little. She was so little and she was so scared and Ariel still hadn't said a word and it was my fault.

"Come on," Titus said, pulling back a little. "Let's get you inside."

As I lifted my head, I caught sight of my sister and Otto holding Flora between them. Esther was crying. That was my fault, too.

Ariel went to Titus with a shudder, her arms wrapped around his neck so tightly that their cheeks pressed together. I watched as his eyes squeezed tight, his hand going to the back of her little blonde head, smoothing down her hair.

Then he helped me to my feet and that's when we realized at the same time that my thighs and skirt were wet.

"Oh, fuck," he blurted, looking down at me.

My face burned with shame. My water hadn't broken.

"I peed," I whispered, my voice breaking. "I was scared and I—"

"Thank God," he said, shaking his head as he cupped my face in his palms. "It's okay. It's fine, baby. It's fine."

That's when I started to cry.

"Hey, we'll clean you up," he crooned. "It's okay. Sugar, come on now. It's cool. Come on, let's go clean you up, yeah?"

Tears rolled down my face as he led us slowly back into the house. I didn't know what was happening outside, but inside was completely silent. He led me up the stairs with a hand at the base of my spine, reminding me to hold the railing.

I almost let out a hysterical laugh at that. If only he'd seen me running down those same stairs with Diana in my arms just a few minutes before.

"Jesus Christ," Titus muttered when the damage Carl had wrought came into view.

The door was in pieces. The top half was completely off the hinges and lying in the hallway and the bottom was still hanging, but at an awkward angle.

"I'm sorry," I said as he continued moving us forward.

"Come on, sugar," he replied, bringing us straight to the bathroom.

When we got inside he scooted around me and leaned in to turn on the shower, Ariel still wrapped around his torso.

"Quick rinse off, yeah?" he asked as I stood there dumbly.

I nodded and moved toward the shower. Leaning over, I attempted to put Diana on her feet. She wouldn't let go. She was silent, her body still shuddering and trembling, but her arms had tightened around my neck like a vise.

"Princess," Titus called. "Come here, baby girl."

Diana ignored him as he leaned in, his hand running soothingly up and down her back.

"Come here to me," he murmured. "Just for a minute so Mama can shower."

Diana didn't respond in any way until Ariel let go of Titus and reached over, her fingers wrapping around Diana's upper arm. Then my baby lifted her head, turning to look at her sister. A moment later they were both in Titus's arms, huddled against his chest.

I stepped into the shower fully clothed, but when I went to shut the curtain, Diana began to scream. It was the most gut wrenching, soul destroying sound I'd ever heard in my life.

I swayed on my feet and moved to step back out when Titus shook his head. Diana stopped screaming.

"Leave it open," he ordered softly. "Just leave the curtain open."

He lowered his head, murmuring to the girls as he gave me the only privacy he could—averting his eyes.

I stripped down and rinsed off as quickly as I could. I was just about to turn off the spray when Titus moved forward and set Ariel on her feet inside the tub at the opposite end.

"She's gonna need a quick rinse, too, sugar," he said, still keeping his eyes carefully averted.

I kneeled down on the floor and reached for my eldest.

She was shivering as I helped her undress.

"Look at us," I murmured, smoothing her hair out of her face. "We're a mess."

Ariel didn't respond. She didn't say anything as I got to my feet, lifted her into my arms, and turned toward the spray. Ariel hated showers. She always had. She was afraid that the water would splash in her face or get in her eyes, but she didn't complain once as I rinsed her off and then shielded her from the spray as I turned off the shower.

"Towels," Titus said, still holding Diana with one arm as he flung a bath towel around Ariel's body. I could feel his gaze on my face as I wrapped her up and handed her over.

His eyes never strayed.

While I pulled the other towel from the rack and began to dry off, Titus waited, facing completely away from me.

Diana watched me silently.

My hands shook as I went into my room for some clothes and the next few minutes were a nightmare as I tried to ignore the broken door and the suitcase and bag that Carl had dropped on my bedroom floor. Titus stood in the doorway so the girls could see me and then we all went back through the bathroom to Diana and Ariel's room so we could get her dressed, too.

It was so quiet inside that you could've heard a pin drop as I grabbed Ariel's blankie off her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. My girls were loud. They talked—especially Ariel—and they argued and they made noises and they laughed. I couldn't remember the last time it had been so quiet when they were awake.

Eventually, though, it was no longer quiet as we heard voices filtering from downstairs. I followed Titus and the girls toward the sound, my bare feet aching as they slid against the carpet.

Downstairs, men and women were loitering, speaking in low voices in the living room and kitchen.

Bas strode toward us as we reached the bottom of the stairs.

"My girls," he murmured, reaching Titus first. "How you guys doin'?"

"They're not talkin' yet," Titus replied quietly.

Bas nodded. "Hey, Mermaid," he crooned softly to Ariel, leaning around so he could meet her eyes.

She just stared at him.

My stomach churned with nausea.

We made our way over to the sectional and I ignored everyone's eyes on me as Titus gestured for me to sit. As soon as I was down, he carefully tucked the girls in on each side of me. They burrowed in, Ariel's head on my chest and Diana's on my belly.

"I'll be right back, yeah?" Titus said softly, leaning in to kiss my forehead. "Right back."

I nodded.

As he moved away, I finally looked around the room. Rumi and Nova stood near the entryway to the kitchen. An older man with long hair that I'd never met before was standing near them, talking to two other men, one of them was the one with a large scar on his face that I remembered seeing when we moved in.

I could hear Myla's voice in the kitchen.

Another older man with a beard stomped through the house, heading toward the kitchen.

And by the front door, Ansel curled against her chest, was Esther.

When our eyes met, everything inside me froze.