Chapter 9

Noel

Iwoke with my heart racing and glanced over to where the girls were curled up together, Diana's head in Ariel's armpit. Thankfully, they were still completely passed out.

Carefully sliding off the edge of the bed, I slid my feet into a pair of slippers and quietly left the room. Otto and Esther's bathroom was a tiny haven as I leaned against the counter and stared at myself in the mirror.

I'd had a sex dream about Titus.

My face flamed red.

I was a mother, for goodness' sake. I was as round as a bowling ball. What the heck had caused me to have a—if I was being honest with myself, really hot—sex dream about my high school crush? When I'd been young, I used to have those kinds of dreams all the time. I hadn't been able to escape them. Back then, I'd had a pretty vague understanding of all of it, though, so the dreams had really only consisted of some kissing and heavy petting. By the time that Titus and I had started going farther together, the dreams had tapered off, and afterward…well, I'd been so heartbroken and lost that it wasn't surprising that I'd stopped having them.

For a while after Titus and I had sex, I'd built the whole thing up in my mind, convincing myself that it had been life changing and wonderful. If that wasn't a symptom of how immature I'd been, I wasn't sure what was. I knew all too well what sex looked like now, which is why I was so flabbergasted that I'd had the dream in the first place. Sex with Caleb hadn't been horrible. He'd been nice up to a point and made sure that he wasn't hurting me or anything…but he'd had a lot more fun than I ever had. Sex was just another chore to get through, one last thing I'd had to mark off my to-do list before I went to sleep at night.

Esther and Otto clearly had a healthy sexual relationship and I'd gone to public school until I got married, so it wasn't as if I was under any illusions about sex. People loved it. They threw caution to the wind for it, like my sister had. Like I had.

But once I'd gotten a little older, I'd realized that sex just wasn't that vital for me. I could take it or leave it. I just figured that I just wasn't someone who was overly sexual and I was fine with that.

Apparently, I'd been mistaken, because as I stood in the bathroom, my skin still felt like it was overly sensitive and my nipples were pebbled against my pajama shirt. Lifting a hand, I brushed my palm across one of my breasts and hissed. Even mortification hadn't cooled my body down.

How the heck was I going to face Titus after the dream I'd had? It wasn't as if I could stay in the bathroom all day. I couldn't avoid him since he was currently sleeping on my sister's couch.

"Mama," Ariel called, knocking on the door. "I gotta go potty."

"Give me one minute," I called back, hurrying to do my business.

When I opened the door she was squirming.

"Sorry," I said, getting out of her way as she raced inside.

"Nana's up," she said as she scrambled onto the toilet. "Don't worry, I closed the door."

"Great," I muttered.

Diana was inconsolable when I opened the bedroom door.

"Ari," she cried. "Close door!"

"She just had to go potty," I murmured, lifting her into my arms. "She didn't want you to get hurt."

"I awake," she shouted angrily.

"I can see that." I made an effort not to smile and rile her up more as I set her on the bed. "You ready to get dressed?"

Otto had texted Titus late the night before, letting us know that their baby boy had arrived. All was well with both Esther and baby and they'd be headed home sometime late in the morning. I was anxious to see my sister and make sure she was doing well myself.

A few minutes later, I had the girls and I dressed for the day and I was helping them down the stairs. Ariel handled them fine, but Diana still had to hold someone's hand while she was navigating her way down.

"You're awake," Flora called cheerfully, meeting us at the bottom of the stairs. She'd already dressed herself in a purple t-shirt dress and a pair of neon green leggings with little frogs all over them. "You were sleeping forever!"

"I made breakfast," Titus called from the kitchen.

"Ari closed door," Diana told Flora, her voice so full of betrayal that it was hard not to laugh.

"Nana, you can't go out without mommy," Ariel said in exasperation, hurrying toward the smell of food.

"Mornin' sleepyheads," Titus greeted, turning from the stove. "Good timin'. I just finished the eggs."

"I don't like eggs," Ariel replied.

"Ariel," I hissed, embarrassed.

She froze.

"You like scrambled eggs, though, right?" Titus asked.

Ariel looked at me.

"Yeah, she likes them scrambled," I replied for her, pointing to the table. She hurried to what she'd claimed as her spot.

I put Diana into the high chair and went over to my oldest. Leaning over I kissed the top of her head. "It's rude to tell someone you don't like the food that they made for you," I told her quietly. "Especially when you haven't even tasted it yet."

"I'm sorry," she replied miserably.

"Don't tell me." I straightened back up.

"Sorry for being rude," Ariel called out to Titus.

"No worries," Titus replied easily. "I remembered that you don't like 'em fried."

"I like all kinds of eggs," Flora announced from her seat.

"You didn't have to make us breakfast," I murmured, joining Titus near the stove.

The kettle was hot already.

"I don't mind," he replied, handing me a mug. "Me and Flora were just hangin' out anyway."

"Thank you." I reached for the tea cupboard. "I can't believe I slept so late."

"We were up pretty late waitin' on news," he reminded me. "Otto text a little while ago. They'll be home in about an hour."

"Does Flora know?" I asked, glancing at my niece.

"Not yet. Figured it would be better to surprise her than have her askin' how much longer every five minutes."

"Good thinking," I said with a huff of laughter.

"I can't wait to see the little guy," he said quietly. "I wonder who he looks like."

"Like a baby," I replied dryly. "Newborns don't really look like anyone. Neither of my girls looked anything like they look now."

"Really?" He looked over at them.

"Nope. And Ariel had such a conehead that I completely panicked."

"Oh shit."

I nodded. "It rounded out eventually, but those first few days were scary. I wouldn't let anyone take her hat off."

Titus laughed. "Diana wasn't a conehead?"

"She was," I conceded. "But it wasn't as bad as Ariel's… or maybe I just knew it wouldn't stay that way so it didn't bother me as much."

"I can't remember any of my nieces or nephews having weird shaped heads," he said as he put scrambled eggs on two plates and brought the pan back to the stove. "But, now that I'm thinkin' about it, I don't think I ever saw them as newborns without hats."

I watched as he put butter into the pan, swishing it around like he'd done it a million times before. Then he cracked a few eggs into the pan one handed. My mouth nearly dropped open.

"Have I impressed you?" he joked, smiling.

"You cook a lot?"

"I don't usually have any reason to make breakfast," he admitted. "But when I was about twelve, my mom told me that girls would be really impressed if I could crack eggs one handed. I didn't realize she'd known I'd spend so much time practicin' that she wouldn't have to make anything with eggs in it for months."

"She tricked you." I grinned.

"She did," he admitted sheepishly. "I'm her fourth boy so she knew just which buttons to push."

"Smart."

"Sneaky," he clarified with a chuckle. "But I can crack eggs one handed which is pretty cool."

"I have to use both hands," I conceded, pulling my tea bag out so I could throw it away.

"So, you were impressed," he teased.

I helped him carry the plates of bacon, toast, and eggs to the table. He'd made Flora and Ariel their own scrambled eggs and fried the rest.

"Thank you for my mixed eggs," Ariel said timidly. I felt badly for embarrassing her, but I also really hoped she wouldn't do it again. There was never any way to keep little kids from saying whatever the heck popped into their heads, but I also didn't want to raise kids that would hurt people's feelings after they'd done something nice for them.

"You're welcome."

Titus finished his food first. His manners were impeccable, but he ate like someone was about to snatch his food from him at any second.

He grimaced in embarrassment as he got up from his spot and realized I was looking at him. "Remember, I have three older brothers," he said apologetically. "And they were animals. If I didn't hurry, I couldn't get seconds. I guess I didn't grow out of it."

"Daddy eats fast, too," Flora said. "Mommy said he better slow down or he's gonna choke."

"That's good advice," Titus said laughingly. He went straight to the sink to rinse his plate.

Stuffing the last bit of my toast in my mouth, I stared as he started rinsing and putting dishes into the dishwasher.

"It's my turn," I reminded him after I'd swallowed.

"Finish your breakfast," he ordered, not bothering to look at me.

"You cooked," I argued.

"There's only a few dishes."

I quickly ate my last two bites of eggs and gave my last piece of bacon to Diana.

"Okay, I'm done," I announced, carrying my plate to the sink.

"Feel free," Titus said, his lips twitching as he threw his hands up in surrender.

The only things left in the sink were the spatula he'd used and a single fork.

"Don't touch that," I warned as he reached for the clean pan he'd set on the counter. "I'll dry it."

"I'm just standin' here," he protested.

"You're the one who insisted that whoever cooks doesn't clean up," I pointed out as I quickly rinsed and loaded the dishes as the big girls carried their plates over.

"All done!" Diana yelled.

"I'll get her plate," Titus said quickly.

We'd made it into the living room and the girls were playing with stuffed animals, lining them up across the floor, when the front door opened.

"We're home," Esther called.

Flora raced for the door.

"We brought you a surprise," Esther said, kneeling down in front of her daughter as Flora realized what Otto was carrying.

"Is that my brother?" Flora asked, dumbfounded.

"Ansel," Esther confirmed. "He's very little, so you have to be really quiet and gentle, okay?"

"You got a baby?" Ariel asked, running toward them. I reached out to grab her, but Titus was the one who stopped her from intruding on their moment.

"Give Flora a second to say hello," he murmured, lifting Ariel to sit on his forearm.

"They got a baby?" Ariel asked, craning her neck to see.

Diana was completely oblivious, still playing with the stuffed animals.

"Yep," Titus said, slanting his eyes toward me. "That's the baby that was in Auntie Esther's belly."

"She got him out," Ariel replied, leaning toward them. She was so excited that she was practically vibrating with it.

"How'd it go?" Esther asked, walking toward us.

I was off the couch and in front of her before she could blink. "How are you? Did everything go okay? Sit down."

"I'm fine," she said with a laugh, leaning in to hug me tight. "I'm tired and sore, but fine."

"I got a brother," Flora announced as she led Otto and the baby into the living room.

Esther scooted past me to sit on the couch and I moved out of the way so Otto could set the baby's car seat on the coffee table.

"Can I go look now?" Ariel asked Titus, squirming.

I nodded and he set her back on her feet.

"Not too close," I warned, slowing her down as she tried to race past me.

"He's so small," Titus murmured over my shoulder as Esther pulled Ansel out of his seat.

"He'll grow," she said happily, laying him on her thighs so the girls could look at him.

"He's wearin' blue 'cause he's a boy," Ariel said knowingly, pushing in next to Flora.

"Girls can wear blue," Flora countered. "He's wearing blue because that's the outfit that Gran got him to come home in."

Diana chose that moment to grow interested in the proceedings and walked around the other side of the coffee table to get an unobstructed view of the newcomer.

"Baby," she announced, poking his cheek.

Titus laughed.

"Don't," I yelped at Diana, a million terrible scenarios rushing through my head in an instant.

Esther was far more calm as she wrapped her hand gently around Diana's and moved it away from Ansel's face.

"He's really small," she explained, her voice soft and patient. "So, we don't touch his face or his head, okay? If you want to touch him, you can touch his arm right here."

She guided Diana's hand to Ansel's arm and each of the bigger girls reached out, carefully touching Ansel's other arm.

"Or his legs," Esther continued. The girls' hands moved, touching his tiny knees and thighs through his little pants.

"Or his feet," Esther said with a smile, pulling off his socks so we could see his miniature toes splayed wide.

The girls giggled as they poked at his toes.

"He's really lucky," Esther said, her voice still smooth and calm. "Because he's got a big sister and big cousins that love him so much and will be really careful to make sure he doesn't get hurt."

"She's good," Titus murmured to me as the girls started talking about all of the ways they were going to protect Ansel from threats both real and of the monster variety. Diana was even in on it, repeating random scenarios that Ariel and Flora came up with.

"I almost pooped my pants when Diana poked him," I muttered back.

Titus laughed.

"Everything went okay here?" Otto asked us, carrying the car seat toward the front door. He set it on the floor and turned to look at us, his eyebrows high.

"Pretty uneventful," I replied with a shrug.

"It's been quiet," Titus added.

"Good." Otto sighed. "I'm so fuckin' tired I could sleep standin' up."

"Long night?" Titus asked.

"They have one of those chairs that turns into a bed," Otto replied flatly. "My feet were hangin' six inches off the end. Even if I'd wanted to sleep, the baby was wakin' up every half an hour and when he slept I was still wakin' up because my damn feet were goin' dead."

I tried and failed to hold back a smile.

"It's good to be home," he finished with a tired grin.

"My bed was very comfortable," Esther announced as she got up from the couch. The girls had moved on already and were back with their stuffed animal army. "Which is good, since I was the one who did all the work last night. Here—" She handed me the baby. "Since I know you won't ask and you're dying to hold him."

She was right on both counts. I lifted Ansel against my chest and bent my head, breathing in his new baby scent. There wasn't anything else like it in the world. My eyes watered as I whispered to him, the same things that I'd told my girls the first time I'd held them. What I wished I could've said to Flora when she was born.

"You are beloved and wanted and prayed for." I sniffled, ignoring the eyes on me. "Welcome to the world."

Titus cleared his throat behind me and then he and Otto left the room.

"He was a little early," Esther told me quietly, resting her hand on Ansel's back. "But they said his lungs are great and it shouldn't affect anything."

"How big is he?" I asked, lifting my head.

"Five pounds and fourteen ounces. Nineteen inches long."

"You are small," I said to Ansel. "Small but mighty."

"He definitely didn't feel that small on his way out," Esther said ruefully as she went back over to the couch. I followed and sat beside her.

"Did you get any stitches?"

"No." She shivered. "Thankfully."

"I was worried," I murmured quietly.

"Sorry I didn't call you myself," she said regretfully. "I know Otto was texting Titus so you were getting updates. My phone went dead on the way to my appointment and I was too distracted to even bother with it."

"It's okay."

"Everything went okay here? Flora wasn't too freaked out?"

"She was fine," I assured her. "Missing you around bedtime, though."

"She's only stayed at Heather and Tommy's a couple times, but otherwise she's pretty much always with us. I'm kind of glad that we were surprised by Ansel's arrival or I would've been stressing out about leaving her."

"So, they just decided to keep you there?"

"Well, I said I'd been feeling tired and my back was really achy," she said, leaning into the couch. "So Andrea decided to check, and I was already seven centimeters dilated."

"You'd been in labor for a while and hadn't even realized it," I said in understanding and a little amazement. "Must be nice," I huffed.

"I know," Esther said, widening her eyes. "I'm definitely not complaining. I think the end made up for it. I pushed for two hours."

I winced in sympathy.

"I'm gonna head out," Titus announced, walking back into the room. "I need a shower and a change of clothes. I'm gettin' a little ripe."

Esther sniffed. "You're fine. I can't smell anything."

Titus laughed.

"You want to hold him before you go?" Esther asked.

I looked at her in surprise.

"If Noel doesn't mind," Titus said, rubbing his hands together as if to warm them.

I shook my head and then nodded, finally gesturing for him to take Ansel.

His fingers brushed against mine as he took the baby from me, and I probably shouldn't have been surprised at how expertly he held the newborn after seeing him with the girls and all his nieces and nephews, but I was. With one hand under Ansel's rump and the other bracing his head and neck, he lifted the baby until they were face to face.

My heart clenched.

"I don't have a speech prepared like your Auntie Noel," he murmured. "But I promise not to drop ya. Oh, and look out for your Uncle Rumi. He's mean."

"Don't tell him that," Esther scolded with a laugh.

"Fine," Titus said with a sigh. "Look out for your Uncle Rumi. He's an idiot."

"Titus," Esther snapped in exasperation.

"Love you, little guy," he murmured, ignoring her as he smiled mischievously. "Keep your dad awake as much as you can. He likes it."

He handed Ansel back to me and called out to the girls, telling them he was leaving and blowing each of them a kiss.

"Thank you for staying with us," I said, leaning back into the couch. My belly was like a little shelf for Ansel to rest on. I wondered if the baby inside me noticed he was there.

"Anytime," Titus replied seriously. His gaze roamed over me before meeting my eyes. "You look good with a baby. Bye, Esther."

"Bye," she called as he left the room. She turned to me, her eyes wide. "Was he just flirting with you?"

"No."

"You look good with a baby?"she mimicked his voice.

"He wasn't flirting."

"He was, too."

"I'm—" I gestured to myself. "Pregnant."

"So?"

"Men aren't attracted to pregnant women, you lunatic."

Esther looked around like she was searching for something. "Someone needs to tell Otto," she mocked. "He's going to be devastated."

"You're not funny."

"Men are absolutely attracted to pregnant women."

"Not in my experience."

"You have very little experience," Esther reminded me out of the side of her mouth.

"Maybe men are attracted to women that are having their baby," I conceded, even though I'd never seen evidence of that personally. "But not random pregnant women."

"You're not a random pregnant woman," she replied seriously. She tilted her head to the side. "And I wouldn't be so sure of that anyway. I bet some men love pregnant women."

I wrinkled my nose and she laughed.

"I still say he was flirting," she said knowingly, closing her eyes.

I held the baby while Esther fell asleep on the couch. She didn't wake up even when Diana and Ariel's argument over a little stuffed unicorn turned into screeching that Otto put a stop to before I could. He carried Esther up to the bedroom and I stayed where I was, watching the girls as they moved on to coloring while Ansel slept on my chest.

The rest of the day was pretty full with Otto's family members stopping by to meet the baby and check on Esther. It was a strange experience. The only people I'd seen for weeks after the girls' births were my mom, Caleb's mom, and the midwife. In Otto's family, even the men were queuing up to hold Ansel, just as excited as the women to meet the newest member of the family.

Their attention didn't stop with him, either. All of the adults that came to visit doted on each of the girls, passing them around and playing with them. They also fussed over Esther. It was…nice. Really nice.

"We don't bring the kids on the first visit," Emilia informed me, sitting down with me at the kitchen table. "They're too germy."

"I was wondering where they were," I replied, smiling at her. I liked Otto's sister-in-law.

"We'll bring them around once Esther's had some time to settle in and Ansel's a little more sturdy." She looked at the table in front of me. "What are you making?"

"A blanket for Ansel," I said ruefully, holding up the blanket that I'd worked on all night. I still had three rows of squares left to attach before it was finished. "I thought I'd be done before he came."

"That's gorgeous," she murmured, reaching out to run her fingers along the edge. "I bet Esther's going to love it."

"She picked out the yarn, so I hope so," I joked.

"I bet she's really glad to have you here," Emilia said kindly. "I know she really missed you."

"I missed her, too."

"Plus, it'll be really nice to have an extra pair of hands during the newborn stage," she added. "I was living with my parents when I had Rhett, but Michael was there for Asa and Eloise."

I was curious, but didn't ask why Mick hadn't been there when Rhett was born. Rhett was clearly his son, the resemblance was so strong.

"He helped," Emilia continued. "But it was always so nice when Heather came over."

"I was on my own with the girls," I replied, beginning to attach the next row of squares. "My husband worked, but he wasn't much for, you know, baby stuff."

"That's hard," she murmured. "I got really lucky with Michael. He wanted to help with all the things, even when he had no clue what he was supposed to be doing."

I smiled.

"Women are different," she continued. "We just look around, see what needs to be done, and do it. Men have to be given explicit instructions."

"Are you complaining about me?" Mick asked, carrying Ariel and Flora into the kitchen hanging on his biceps.

"Just telling Noel how helpful you were after the kids were born."

He looked at me and grimaced. "Don't believe a word she says," he said playfully. "I'm very helpful. She just prefers to do everythin' on her own."

"I do not!"

"You wouldn't delegate a damn thing," he countered, lifting the girls higher as they squealed.

"See," Emilia said, looking at me smugly. "Explicit instructions."

I wasn't sure if I should laugh or hush her. Their family dynamics were unlike anything I'd ever known. If I'd said anything like that to Caleb, there would've been serious consequences.

"I am yours to command," Mick said happily, setting the girls back on the floor. He chased them back out of the room.

"I hear Titus stayed with you guys while Esther was at the birth center," Emilia said after a few moments. "How did that go?"

"It was good," I replied carefully. What exactly was she asking? "Otto didn't want us staying here alone after my brother showed up a couple nights ago."

I forced myself not to cringe or sugar coat it. When I'd called Esther for help, I'd known that I was bringing potential trouble to their doorstep. She'd already escaped. She was already free of them. Ephraim hadn't bothered them once she married Otto.

The only reason they'd had to deal with our brother again was because of me.

Guilt was a steady companion, but if I let it get to me it would be like throwing Esther's offer of sanctuary back in her face. She'd made it clear that any repercussions we dealt with were far less important than having me back, and I hadn't argued, because if the roles were reversed I would've felt the same way.

"Yeah, Michael told me about that," Emilia replied, scowling. "What a jerk."

"That's a bit of an understatement," I agreed.

"Well, hopefully he came and swung his little dick around and now he'll leave you alone," she muttered.

I choked on nothing and Emilia laughed.

"Sorry, these Hawthornes have rubbed off on me," she apologized. "I used to be sweet and innocent."

I nodded. "Esther swears now, too," I replied. "I'd never heard her swear before."

"You should try it," Emilia said impishly. "It's really satisfying."

Eventually, the house cleared out and it was just the seven of us, quietly getting the big kids into bed. We could hear Otto's voice while he read a story to Flora, but much to their dismay, I corralled the girls into our room. Flora needed a little one-on-one time with her daddy. We'd been horning in on everything since we'd moved in, and with a new baby her life was about to change even more.

I read a book to the girls and then curled up beside them, listening as their breathing evened out in sleep. My eyes had finally closed and I was just starting to drift when the sound of Ansel's cries came through the wall.

It happened again and again, just as I was about to fall asleep that newborn squall would make my eyes pop open on instinct. The next day wasn't any better. Esther couldn't put the baby down without him waking and screaming.

For the next three weeks, Esther, Otto and I took turns carrying him around strapped to our chests in a carrier. Sometimes, even that didn't help.

His pediatrician said he was gaining plenty of weight so it must be colic and that he'd grow out of it. The midwife advised her to take Ansel to a chiropractor and talk to a nursing consultant. Nothing worked. They took Ansel back to the pediatrician. They couldn't find anything wrong. The poor baby just fussed and cried unless he was being held.

Heather stopped by to carry him around so we could have a break. Emilia brought dinner. Nova and her grandma came over with toys for the girls and took their turns with Ansel. Myla stopped by one night, wrapped Ansel up tight, carried him outside, and walked with him for two hours while he fussed off and on. Even Otto's brothers and Dad came by, bringing food and staying for a while so they could take their turns carrying around the baby boy.

Titus was at the house almost as often as Heather, taking the girls—and sometimes Ansel—outside to play for hours. I tried not to read too much into his nearly constant presence, but Esther sure did. I didn't know how many times I hushed her when she started teasing him. Hey, Titus, you're here again? Goodness, I've seen you more in the last few weeks than my entire relationship with your brother! I wonder why we've seen you so much lately…

I would've been angry that she wouldn't let it go if I hadn't seen how tired Esther was and how hard she was trying to make everything seem normal. If teasing me and Titus brightened her day a little, I wasn't going to stop her.

Our nerves were frayed. None of us were sleeping. I felt so badly for my sister that I tried to pitch in wherever I could, but it was no use. There was only so much crying that anyone could take and we were all struggling.

Eventually, even the girls were wound tight.

One night, about an hour before bedtime, Ansel began to cry again. My mom had called it The Witching Hour when Ariel was a baby. I wasn't sure what it was about that time of night, but almost like clockwork Ansel began to scream even though Otto was pacing back and forth with him at the bottom of the stairs.

For some reason, Diana decided that she'd had enough and started to wail too. It was like their voices were echoing off each other.

Esther started to cry, her face in her hands.

I snatched Diana off the floor and hurried her out to the front porch, giving her the pacifier I'd stashed in my pocket. She quieted almost instantly but continued to hiccup pitifully.

It was too much.

There were too many of us in the small house. I was so thankful for everything Otto and Esther had done for me and I knew that they'd never ask us to leave—but my sister was hanging on by a thread and having three extra people in her house all the time was making it worse.

I rocked Diana on the porch, thinking about all the ways I'd imagined helping Esther after she'd had the baby. I'd dreamed up a whole scenario where we'd sit side by side, nursing our happy babies while we watched the kids play in the yard. Instead, we'd become just one more thing for her to worry about on top of a newborn would couldn't seem to settle.

We needed to move.