22. Briar

Briar was exactlywhere he'd always wanted to be—cuddled up beneath Derek in his huge bed.He knew he was an optimist, but he thought he might feasibly live out the rest of his life right here between the crisp cotton sheets,living on nothing but Derek's kisses and the pale morning sunshine creeping through the blinds.The world was harsh, but the world was out there.Here, it was only the two of them.Here, they could be themselves, free of all expectations.

They were breathing in unison.Something about that tickled Briar, and he rested his palm against Derek's chest to test his heartbeat.Slow, steady, and reliable. If he concentrated, he thought he could even match their heartbeats.

Something strange and wonderful had happened last night.For the first time in his life, Briar wasn't playing at romance.Derek had given him no choice but to split his heart open and lay it bare for him to view…and Derek hadn't betrayed that trust.Derek hadn't hurt him. He'd cradled his beating heart in his big, work-worn hands, and he'd kept it safe.

As rough as he was on the outside, Derek had never hurt him.He'd always shown him a kindness and consideration that wasn't born of lust or pity.It came from respect: one human being to another.

Briar didn't feel like a single entity anymore.They were woven together now, a fragile and intricate tapestry threaded by matching emotions and desires.

"You haven't slept at all," Derek whispered into his hair.His voice was low and deliciously rough.Briar wanted to wrap that voice around him and roll around in it.

"I dozed," he said, sleepily petting the scruff that covered Derek's jaw.It was thick for only a single night's growth and softer than it looked."Besides, you haven't either."

Derek nipped at his exploring fingertips and said, "I like watching you sleep.It gives me time to think. It's funny how young and trusting you look when your mouth isn't moving."

"Objection," Briar retorted with mock offense.He ruined it with a laugh when Derek buried his face in his neck and blew a raspberry."You always talk like you're such an old man.You're not, you know."

"I feel like it."

"You need a vacation. You take too much on your shoulders." Briar said it carefully, unsure if he was overstepping.He kept his tone light and attempted to distract Derek by picking up his hand and measuring their fingers side-by-side.

Derek was so prickly about private matters, and Briar wanted to preserve this careful, tentative joy between them for as long as possible.But not only Briar's walls had crumbled last night.Derek's body stayed relaxed. He was smiling slightly as he watched Briar play with their fingers.

"I know my siblings are grown," hesaid."West and Susan have taken on a lot of the care for ourfolks.But life is hard. Even adults need a hand every now and then, and they're used to depending onme.What kind of man would I be if I turned my back onthem?"

"I get that," Briar saidgently.He lined their fingertips up and shaped them into different pyramids, keeping the conversation easy andcasual."I would've killed to have someone like you watching out for me when I was growingup.I got into some really bad habits, but moving to Sweetwater gave me a chance to start over in more ways than I everexpected.It's never too late to turn thingsaround.You deserve to put yourself first once in awhile."

Derek sighed. "I wouldn't even know where tostart."

Careful,Briar reminded himself, don't push toohard.

He took a deep breath and said hesitantly, "What about…coming out?If you aren't ready for the whole town to know, you could at least tell yourfamily."

He hadn't truly appreciated how relaxed Derek was until he tensed all over and satup.Briar scrambled after him, piling pillows between Derek and the headboard to give him something to lean against, but Derek didn't seem tonotice.He was brooding into the distance, turning the concept over in his head and choosing his words withcare.

"You think I care what anyone in this town thinks of me?" he asked finally, sounding exasperated. "I'd fuck you right in front of the feed store if you asked me to, and to hell with what anyone thinks ofit.But being out isn't just about me; it's about myfamily."

"They support West," Briar pointed out,bewildered."Why notyou?"

"Because I'm not West!" It exploded out of Derek so vehemently that even he looked surprised.

He let out a growl and threw back thesheets.Briar watched, concerned, as he climbed out of bed and dragged his hands through his hair infrustration.His body was hard and strong and gleaming bronze all over, but Briar could barely appreciate the display once he got a good look at hisexpression.He looked…tormented.

Briar sat up, pillow covering his lap, and gave Derek his fullattention.

"I don't understand," he saidcarefully.

"You think my family doesn't know I like men?" Derek asked suddenly, turning onhim.His green eyes were blazing. "You think they actually believed little West was the one searching for it on the familycomputer?Back then we were all barely hanging on by athread.The fridge was always empty, and the house was busting at the joists with overduebills.Dad was a broken shell every time he came back from the oil fields; Mom was struggling with depression and anxiety. The only way she kept it together was by fixating on making sure West wassafe.Not like that little shit helpedmatters.He was so soft. Easy fucking pickings for any asshole who wanted to pound on him for being afag.Didn't even matter if they believed it or not; they were just looking for anexcuse."

Briar's eyes were so wide they felt like they were about topop.He white-knuckled the pillow in his lap, afraid to move or even breathe and risk stopping the flow ofwords.Whatever valve had been keeping Derek's resentment suppressed all these years had finally ruptured, spilling poison all over both ofthem.Briar was no armchair psychologist, but he knew it wouldn't be safe or healthy to ignore itnow.

"What happened?" he askedsoftly.

Derek looked at him, annoyed, almost like he'd forgotten he wasthere.Then he snorted and lookedaway.

"He came home covered in blood oneday.Must've been aroundfourteen.You know what kids are like at thatage."

Briarnodded.

"Some kids were giving him a hard time, and he shot his mouth off instead of ignoringit.Ask him about it now, and he acts like it was no bigdeal.But they beat the shit out ofhim.Mom…" Derek's throat bobbed when heswallowed."It nearly broke her, seeing him like that, after she'd sacrificed everything to keep himalive.She started screaming. Bethie wascrying.It was amess."

Briar couldn't just sitthere.He slipped out of bed and wrapped his arms around Derek from behind, resting his cheek against the broad planes of hisback.Derek covered his arms with one hand, but otherwise didn't acknowledge Briar'spresence.He was lost in thepast.

"We got West patched up," he said grimly, "and the next day James and I went out to find the boys who didit.Someone saw the fight and called the sheriff onus.James was still a minor, so he was released with the otherboys.But I was over eighteen. The whole town has a soft spot for West, so they dropped the charges once the whole story cameout.But they kept meovernight."

"It could've been so much worse," Briar said, trying to besupportive.He didn't know what Derek needed to hear fromhim.

Derek nodded absently, but Briar wasn't certain he'd really heardhim.

"Mom was weirdly calm when I got home that morning," Derek said with a faint little laugh. "She'd reached her breaking point, Iguess.I still remember every word of what she said that day—we need you too much for you to be thisselfish."

Briar pulled back, offended on hisbehalf."But—"

"She had a point," Derek said, cutting himoff."West was already set to have a rough road; his health was fragile and he was a misfit, and then he had to go and add being gay on top ofit?In a town like this? Being gay back then was a recipe for misery aroundhere.We all tried to control every variable for him, to keep him safe, keep himhappy.She couldn't take me adding anymoretrouble.She looked me dead in the eye and told me she knew aboutme.She'd always known. And then she made me promise her that I wasn'tgay."

"But she knew youwere."

Derek shrugged, jostling Briar's head against hisback."I told her I wouldn'tbe."

"It doesn't work that way!" Briar blurted,appalled.He circled around to get a good look at Derek's face, but Derek lookedaway.Briar reached up, clasped him by the chin, and forced him to look athim."You didn't deserve to have that put onyou."

Derek's mouth quirked in a half-smile, but there was something heartbreakingly resigned aboutit."It wasn't worth the headache of arguing," hesaid."There wasn't anyone around here for me,anyway."

"You could havemoved!"

"And leave my family behind?" Derek's question was full ofdisdain."That ain't ever going tohappen.So, I did my best to be what she needed me tobe.I dated women for a while, but that just fucked up their livestoo.Claire miscarried because ofme.After that, I decided it was safer to just put my head down and focus onwork."

Briar ached for him. Not just for what he'd been through, but because even now, he recounted it like there wasn't anything particularly wrong with the responsibility his parents had heaped on hisshoulders.His tone was matter-of-fact. He'd long ago accepted it as just another part oflife.

"I know that life is complicated," Briar said gently, turning Derek's face down and kissing the corner of his mouth, "and I'm notjudging.I swear I'm not. But you were a kid, just like your brothers andsisters.You didn't deserve to have all that put onyou."

"All that matters is that the kids grew up safe and happy," Dereksaid.

"You matter too." Briar kissed his chin, his jaw, the tips of hiseyelashes."You matter, Derek. You deserve to behappy."

Finally, Derek looked at him, and the smile that curved his mouth grew until it became something real. When Briar kissed the corner of that smile, Derek turned and caught his mouth in a deep kiss filled withgratitude.When they finally separated, he pressed their foreheads together andsighed.

"You make me happy," Derek whispered against Briar's damplips."I hate that it seems like I'm keeping you a secret, but my folks are old and fragilenow.I can't put more hardship onthem.But that doesn't change how I feel aboutyou."

"I know." Briar hugged him tight and took the biggest leap he'd everfaced."I'm here because I love you,Derek.I've been looking for you…for such a longtime.I just never knew it. Now that I've found you, I'm not going to complain about thedetails.I'll take you any way I can get."

"God, Briar." Derek cupped his head against his chest and bent his head over him, sheltering him.His heart pounded, loud and fast, against Briar'sear."Nothing's ever scared me likeyou."

"That's me! Terrifying!" Briar bared his teeth and gave a playful little roar to lighten the mood. "Better watch your step from nowon."

It didn't upset him that Derek hadn't said he loved himback.Derek had given him histrust.

For a man like him, that was something even more rare andspecial.