Chapter Four 590

Chapter Four

“You got a what?” Calden paces our bedroom floor, tugging at his hair.

“A job.” I shrug, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“But why there?” He turns to me, and I hate that he’s making me say it.

“Because someone has to, and Doctor Murphy is the only person willing to hire any of us in this town.” I hate hearing it, and I loathe being made to say it, but we both know it’s true. “You won’t leave this place, and we have to have money for things like food and, ya know… father’s medication.”

“I don’t like it.” He sighs, dropping onto the bed beside me.

“Neither do I, but it’s a legit offer, and look…” I lift some papers from my nightstand, handing them to him. “Medical, vision, dental, tuition assistance, and I’m starting at twenty dollars an hour.”

“That’s more than Dad was making before he… you know.” He flips through the pages, looking through all of my onboarding forms, and then looks me in the eye, asking the same thing I did when Aaron dropped them off to me last night. “Why? ”

“They needed someone they could depend on at the front desk while their receptionist is on maternity leave.” I shrug. “Cal, if I take the position Doctor Murphy offered to take over Dad’s medical care, that means no more clinics. He’ll see the same doctor every time.”

“You think he can fix him?” He’s not really asking.

“Maybe?” I shift, feeling silly when I hear him say it. “Is it that ridiculous?”

“No, it’s not.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about it, but this is the first time it’s been a possibility. I don’t love the idea of you working for that family.”

“I don’t like it either.” I take his hand in mine and lean my head on his shoulder. “But we need the money, and this is quite literally the only place willing to give us a chance, even if it’s so he can force the three of us to get along. You won’t run with me, so what else can we do? It’s this, or we lose our home.”

“When do you start?” He stands and walks over to the closet. “Do you need work clothes? What can I do to help?”

“You mean: When do we start?” I smirk. “And we start first thing tomorrow. ”

“Could have led with that, beautiful.” He leans me back and straddles my waist.

“Now, where’s the fun in that?” I ask, feeling pretty fucking proud of myself.

“Fun? I can give you fun.” He grins wickedly, and that bitch between my legs immediately starts getting ideas.

“Oh yeah?” He inches the hem of my shirt up just enough to slide both of his hands under, and my brain joins my cunt in a victory cheer just before he digs his fingertips into my sides.

“Nooo.” I shriek, gasping for breath. “Cal, stop.” I hiccup. “I’m going to pee!”

“What? I can’t understand you through all the fun.” He laughs, tickling me relentlessly. “Can you repeat that?”

“Gotta.” I giggle. “Pee!”

“Oh, well, why didn’t you say so?” He lets me up, pressing his lips together, trying to look serious. “What am I being hired to do, anyway?”

“Valet,” I reply, keeping my tone even. I have been ridiculously excited about this part .

“Valet? For a private practice? Why?” He rolls off the bed, sounding hopeful, but the furrow of his brow screams that it sounds too good to be true.

“That’s what I said, but evidently, it’s a thing now.” I sit up and cross my legs, watching him.

“I thought you had to pee,” He exhales.

“I thought you could always see through my bullshit.” I lift my finger to his nose. “Boop.”

“You don’t think any of this feels wrong?” He brushes my hair from my face, studying me. “Why now, Alara? I feel like there’s a train headed right for us, but I can’t see where it’s coming from. How can I keep you safe if I can’t fucking see it, Alara?”

“I didn’t ask you to trust them, Cal. I’ve looked at this from every angle I can think of, but what it really boils down to is this: Without jobs, we’re homeless, and my father ends up in some state-run mental hospital.” I don’t tell him that, without a job, homelessness is the best-case scenario for us. As hard as growing up ‘us’ has been, there are worse situations we could have found ourselves in. A tough life is a far cry from an abused one… and in that regard, we’ve been very blessed .

“And what happens when the other shoe drops?” He hits his knees in front of me, taking my face into his hands. “Because I can feel it in my soul, beautiful. Something more is going on here, and it’s not good.”

“Nothing about any of this is good.” I turn my head, kissing the palm of his hand. “Nothing except us. Give me another solution, and we’ll do that instead because I can’t think of one.”

“Alara…” He trails off, obviously out of good ideas.

“I know.” I try to force a reassuring smile, and he grimaces in return. Nailed it.

“Fuck.” He stands and offers me his hand, pulling me to my feet.

“I love you. We’re safe.” I’m sorry. I wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his chest, and breathe him in. He’s right. He normally is when it comes to this kind of thing, but that doesn’t make me wrong, either. Something can be unavoidable and knowingly reckless at the same time.

Seeing danger coming right at you doesn’t necessarily mean you can avoid it. Sometimes, no matter how careful you are with the things you love, they inevitably shatter before your eyes, and all you can hope for is to still make it out the other side with the shards.

** *

“Breakfast?” I open the freezer and take out a popsicle.

“Absolutely not.” Cal takes it from me and replaces it with a plate.

“Awe,” I tease and walk over to the table and sit down. “Honey, you cooked. You shouldn’t have.”

“Just eat the dang toast, Alara.” He chuckles and joins me. “You look really beautiful this morning.”

“You say that every morning.” I smile around a bite of toast, super ladylike.

“Doesn’t make it any less true.” He looks down at his watch and asks, “Do you have everything you need?”

“Nope.” I shrug. “Honestly, I have no idea where my bag is. Or my keys. I have my birth control.” I reach into my back pocket. “No, wait. That’s my phone. Found my phone!”

“Your purse is sitting by the front door. I packed our lunches and put them beside your bag. Your keys are in your bag, and your pills are right” –he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the slight case, popping today’s pill out of the blister pack and directly into my hand– “there.”

“How the actual hell?” I squint, looking him over .

“It’s not magic, Alara.” He laughs. “I found your pills in the refrigerator twenty minutes ago.”

“Look, I went to get a drink to take it, and then I saw Jasper in the yard, so I took him a snack. When I got outside, I realized he was having an extra ornery day, so I tried to give him a hug.” I point out the window as if this somehow helps.

“You hugged the yard raccoon?!” He looks horrified. “Did it bite you? Are you bleeding anywhere?”

“Don’t be absurd. Jasper loves me.” I roll my eyes. “Anyway, I said I tried to hug him, not that I did. He wasn’t in the mood, so I respected his boundaries.”

“At least, there’s that.” He finishes his toast and takes both of our plates to the sink to wash them. “Is… did you build a tent in the yard?”

“Nope.” I join him at the sink, drying as he washes. “That’s a fortress. Jasper’s fortress from the elements.”

“Of course it is.” He turns off the water and leans against the counter, waiting as I put the last dry plate back in the cabinet where it belongs. “He could have rabies, you know.”

“Lots of variables there, Cal.” I shrug, pressing up on my toes to kiss him on the cheek. “If I let fear stop me from loving, the world would lose its color. And that’s far more tragic than rabies.”

“You do know that rabies causes total blindness, right?” he asks, following me to the front door.

“Semantics.” I wave off his worry and walk out onto the porch.

“No, not semantics, Alara. Science.”

“If I die loving someone, then I die.” I walk toward the city bus stop, holding back my laughter.

“Oh my god, Alara.” He pulls out his wallet just as the bus comes to a stop and pays our fare, not missing a beat. “It’s not the same thing. Please don’t hug the raccoon.”

“Don’t put me in a box, Cal.” I take a seat, and he drops down into the one beside me.

“You can’t go around hugging wild animals.” He opens my bag, takes out the phone, and googles rabies. “I’m being serious.”

“I can tell.” I nod. “You’re googling it and everything.”

“My brother hugged a bear once.” An older man adds from two rows back, and Calder turns, shooting daggers at him with his eyes .

“Sir, you’re really not helping.”

“Wasn’t trying to help. Just letting her know that it’s entirely possible to hug a wild animal.” He clicks his tongue, “Yup. Hugged the hell out of that bear, right before it woke up. Lost his hand and his eye to a pissed-off bear, but he did it. Once.”

“Fuck.” I grimace. “That feel-good story took a quick sharp turn.”

“Maybe don’t hug wild animals?” The old man grins with a wink.

“You’re still going to hug the raccoon, aren’t you?” Calden asks, putting the phone back into my bag and zipping it up.

“No, Cal. I’m still going to try to hug Jasper. There’s a difference.”

The bus comes to a stop in front of the business plaza, and we gather our things and get off. The day is quickly heating up, and I’m already ready to go home, but I don’t complain. If Calden knows how nervous I am to go into this building, he’ll throw me over his shoulder and take me home. The only way out is through, so here we go.

I see Aaron before Calden does, and I cross my fingers .

“There you two are.” He smiles, opening the door to the office for us. “I’ll show you where to put your things and where you’ll both be working today.”

“Fantastic.” Calden doesn’t even try to hide his disdain, and I pinch his leg, reminding him that right now we need this.

“I know this isn’t where you want to be, Calden.” Aaron lowers his voice so that the rest of the staff doesn’t overhear him. “I don’t want to be working here either, but we do what we have to do in order to earn the things we want in life, right?”

Aaron looks from Cal to me and back, and I feel something unspoken pass between them. It was fast, and I don’t know what it means, but it wasn’t nothing.

“I get that neither of you trusts me yet, but I swear this is on the up and up. No games or tricks. The positions were open anyway. All I did was ask my dad to give you two a chance. After everything that’s happened, I thought it was the least we could do,” Aaron adds, and from what I can tell, he’s being honest. Either that, or he’s gotten really good at hiding his tells.

“I appreciate the chance,” I reply, surprised that I actually mean it .

“Come on, let’s get her to her desk, and then I’ll take you to the valet booth.”

“You mean that thing?” I point to what looks like an oversized phone booth.

“Yeah,” he replies, pushing the up button on the elevator. “But I figured Calden would prefer to walk you to your desk and take a look around before settling into his own.”

“Thanks, man.” Cal speaks for the first time since we’ve arrived, and it wasn’t a threat. Holy. Fuck.

“No thanks necessary.” Aaron smiles awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m trying this new thing called consideration for others. It’s a work in progress.”

“Seems to be going well. I haven’t had to factory reset your manners by hitting you in the face yet today.” Cal chuckles.

“And I appreciate that . Here we are.” The elevator doors open to an elegantly decorated waiting room. Tall-back, wooden chairs upholstered in creams and mint green fabrics are placed along the walls, and instead of crumpled magazines, real books litter the tables, calling out to me, and Aaron notices. “Help yourself. ”

“Don’t mind if I do.” I lift two from the first table we pass. “Hardbacks, Cal. Hard. Backsss.”

I want to be embarrassed by the fact that I’m already letting down my guard a bit. As much as I try to hide it, I’m tired of always being strong, and my mask is slipping. Sometimes, it’s easier to convince yourself you don’t want something than it is to convince the people around you that you deserve it. After all, how can you show someone else you’re worthy when you’ve never even believed it yourself? But standing here, I feel stuck between my reality with Calden and the life we could have had with Aaron. A life like everyone else. Jobs. Friends. Holidays. And normal conversations. A life where we make plans and dream about our futures. Things I’ve only ever stood a chance of experiencing through the pages of books like these. Where people like me conquer problems like mine instead of sinking under the weight of them.

I take a deep breath and shake it off. As much as I want to, I can’t let the mask slip. They will never accept me as I am. Hell, they barely accept the mask.

“So…” Aaron stops and leans against a long dark counter, tapping twice against the shiny top. “This is where you’ll be working, Alara. ”

“Fancy.” I smile, pushing the thoughts from my mind as best I can.

I run my fingers across the cool marble counter, knowing this room is probably worth more than our entire home. The opulence is so overwhelming that my skin is crawling, and I can feel my truths etched on my flesh in unyielding scars, a blaring billboard of not belonging. If I had died with our mothers, could Calden have had a life like this? If I wasn’t so heavy, so needy, so fucking damaged, could he have felt normal with everyone else? I pushed for this, but now I want nothing more than to ask Calden to take me home, to tell him he was right and stop trying, but this isn’t about me, it’s about making things right. For him and for my father.

“Computer.” Aaron pulls a small envelope from his pocket and hands it to me. “That is your login information from the IT department. It’s sealed. Open it, and follow the steps to reset your password. HIPPA is no joke, so don’t share it with anyone. You took the online training, right?”

“Yup.” I reach for the back of my chair.

“Hold up.” Aaron kneels down, reaching under the desk. “We have over an hour until patients will start coming in. You have plenty of time for that. I still need to show you both around the office and get Calden back downstairs. ”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Fuck. Hi, I’m Alara, and I don’t know how to function like a normal person. Get it together, bitch.

“Don’t be silly.” He waves off my apology. Cool, I’ll just obsess about it for the next three months.

“Yeah. No. Okay. You’re right.” Great job. Nailed it. I want to peel off my skin and throw myself out the window. One of these things just doesn’t belong here… Spoiler alert… it’s me. I try to hide the slight tremble in my hands. The logical part of my brain is telling me no one can tell, but the louder voice is screaming that this is a mistake. I’m a mistake. And everyone knows it. I bite my lower lip, trying to focus on the physical pain to drown out the storm ripping me apart inside. How can I expect the world to understand and accept me for what I am when none of it is real? There are no weeping wounds to heal. No proof of my pain. Nothing to treat.

I can feel their eyes on me. A million microscopes studying me, dissecting me, and deeming me unworthy. It’s all I can feel until… it isn’t. Cal’s hand slides across my lower back, and like a life raft in the middle of a raging storm, he pulls me up for air.

“Let’s get you a drink of water.” Aaron looks between us, sensing a shift in my demeanor, but doesn’t ask. I hate it, but I fight back tears of appreciation for the man who, only last week, didn’t just cross my boundaries. He leaped right fucking over them.

“Right behind you.” Cal nods, slipping his hand in mine as soon as Aaron turns his back. “I’ve got you. You’re safe. I love you.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, embarrassed as fuck, but mask it with humor. Grinning. “You can’t take me anywhere. Can you?”

“You’re stronger than you know and braver than you can see.” He squeezes my hand once. “Just take a moment and breathe through it.”

“Here you go.” Aaron opens the fridge, takes out three bottles of water, and hands one to each of us. “It can be a bit overwhelming. I remember my first day.” He motions to a round table in the far corner. “This one is my favorite. If you sit on this side” –he points to three chairs nestled in the corner and hidden by a large cabinet– “you are out of sight from anyone walking by. But see the mirror above the middle snack rack? Those are free for employees, by the way.”

“Yeah?” I study the mirror, waiting for him to finish his explanation, when Cal barks out a laugh.

“Was it a happy coincidence, or did you put the mirror there so you could see who was coming in before they saw you?” He lifts a bag of M&M's from the counter, rips the corner of the bag, and hands it to me. “You’re looking kinda pale. Eat.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I take the bag and the seat in the corner, my mind finally catching up with Cal and Aaron. “Can I just work from here?”

“Don’t think I haven’t tried to.” Aaron waits for Cal to sit next to me, gestures to the seat on my other side, and asks, “May I?”

“Of course. Don’t be silly. I can’t kick you out of your own clubhouse.” I force a smile, trying to make half the effort they are.

“So…” Aaron settles in beside me. “I’m not trying to assume anything here, but I’m just going to get this out, and you can choose what you both want to do with it. If you want me to fuck off and never mention it again, I’ll do that. If you want to talk about it, that’s cool too. Okay?”

“Ominous,” I tease but reach for Cal’s hand again under the table.

“Doesn’t have to be. Relax, it’s just us in here, and we both know your bodyguard won’t hesitate to kick my ass.” Aaron winks, trying to break the tension. “I remember what it was like for you two. I also know I haven’t been a good friend to either of you these past few years.”

“You can say that again,” Calden scoffs.

“I can if you want me to.” He lowers his gaze. “I’ve been a really shitty person and an even shittier friend. I was immature and blamed you both for something neither of you caused. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten what it was like. I know you’re hiding things, and that’s okay. I wanted to show you where I go when things are too much, and now you can too. There’s no shame in stumbling.” He lifts his hand, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I’m slowly learning that myself.”

We sit there in silence for a beat, drinking in the moment. Our own little kumbaya in the chaos. If I didn’t feel so ridiculous right now, I would think we’re growing, but fuck it.

“Thanks, man.” Calden reaches across the table, offering his hand to Aaron, and they shake.

“Don’t mention it.” He looks from Cal to me. “Anxiety isn’t logical, Alara.”

“What? I don’t—” I furrow my brow, stopping myself before I lie to him. Turns out he’s not the emotional idiot I thought he was. “You’re more observant than you get credit for.”

“Turns out all three of us mask well.” He winks. “Ready to finish the tour?”

“Can I have another minute?” I almost didn’t ask, but if he can be honest with us, the least I can do is try to be honest with him.

“If you’ll share your M&M's.” He pulls two bags in different colors than mine from his pocket, tossing one at Cal. “Open the drawer behind your chair and grab the biggest bowl in there.”

“Got it.” Calden takes a bright pink bowl and places it between us. “Now what?”

“We dump all three bags in together, duh.” I laugh, remembering how we used to do this every chance we got growing up.

“Except this time, the chaos pixie isn’t dumping in Skittles and not telling us.”

“Holy shit.” Cal laughs. “I forgot all about that.

“Whatever, I make life more interesting.” I dump my bag into the bowl with theirs and shake it around a bit, mixing the flavors .

“You sure as hell do.” Aaron grins as I shovel a handful into my face-hole. “I’m sorry I fucked this up for so long, but you’re both safe with me. You don’t have to believe me yet, but just know that I’ll never stop trying.”