Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty-Six

A lex was awake. Emily could tell that much. The day spent with his family had been more than pleasant, first shopping and then dining, followed by singing and dancing until late in the evening. They had been already falling asleep when they returned to the inn, but neither of them had slept well. It had been a night of fitful tossing and turning for both of them in their shared bed. And she didn't know how the needed conversation would go, but her heart pounded painfully in her chest at the thought. How would she broach the subject?

"Are you awake, Emily?" his voice sounded behind her.

She had slept on her side with her back to him, but she took a stabilizing breath before slowly turning to face him. "Yes."

His morning face still fresh from sleep looked adorable. "If you've had your fill of Bath, do you suppose we ought to return to London?"

Emily shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "If you wish. "

Alex chuckled, reaching for her face tenderly. "I believe that would be my line."

She closed her eyes, not only wanting to relish his touch, but also so he wouldn't see just how much she craved him. She no doubt confused him, wanting him and denying him in every breath, over and over again.

But she could tell he was slowly learning everything about her. He knew that she was most vulnerable first thing in the morning, that she would melt under his touch, perhaps say something she shouldn't.

"Emily," Alex ventured, his voice small and low, "if I someday come to the point that I want to change what I said before…"

Her heart sank. Was he saying he didn't want to kiss her after all? Had she pushed him away too many times? Kept the secret for too long?

"If I wanted to take back what I said about never falling in love with you, would that be all right?"

Emily's eyes burst open, meeting an expression of vulnerability on Alex's face she had never seen before.

"I'm sorry for confusing you, as that was never my intention. I think neither of us knew how to handle the start of this arranged marriage, for we've certainly stumbled a time or two along the way. And I realize that we've only just barely established this careful friendship we have, so I don't want to ruin it and become enemies again."

His thumb continued to caress softly over her cheek, as if he knew she would need soothing, but there would be no calming the thunderous beating of her heart, which she was certain could be heard echoing around their quiet room.

"I only want you to be happy," he whispered, his words emphasized by his hand steadying on the side of her face. "So if you truly don't want a husband who's in love with you, then tell me now. "

Emily could have drowned in the darkness of his eyes, his touch was the only thing keeping her afloat. What exactly was he saying? That he already loved her, or only that he might someday? She couldn't confess just how very close she was to the same thing, not until she could tell him the truth. Not until she knew he would not abandon her for it. But she couldn't give up this chance either, not when it could possibly be her last opportunity for everything she had ever wanted.

"I do want that," Emily managed to say, her throat constricting and almost silencing her words.

He huffed a sigh and closed his eyes, his lips parting in a relieved smile. "You have no idea…" But he stopped himself, biting his lip. "I am pleased to hear you say so." Then his eyes bore into hers, somehow nearly sparkling and dancing as he spoke. "Then we will find our path together after all."

Emily nodded fervently, resting her palm over his hand on her face. She couldn't say in words just how much she wanted this as well.

But Alex did not move from the bed as she had expected, and she waited for what would come next.

"I might kiss you now, Emily."

His raspy morning voice was enough to lower her defenses. She would allow one kiss. "If you wish," she whispered, nodding thoughtlessly.

He leaned toward her, his hand tugging gently at her neck, and Emily closed her eyes, lifting her chin to meet him.

His lips pressed against hers, but not with urgency. It was not the same ravishing, impassioned kiss from the balcony, and she could not expect it to be. Their lives were completely different now, their relationship now more than it had started. They knew so much about each other now, having witnessed each other's flaws and weaknesses, caring for each other in difficult times, learning patience and true appreciation for the other. This desire was genuine, and it meant so much more to her now. He meant so much to her now.

As Alex's mouth coaxed more from her, repeating the familiar motion over and over again, Emily realized just how much he meant to her. She had spent so much time worrying she might fall in love with him, she didn't realize that she actually already had. The way his touch burned against her skin, the way her heart skittered with each gesture of his kiss, her desire for him came from a very real place of love, deep in her heart. This was both terrifying and liberating to understand. She loved the man in her arms, the man kissing her in return, who sincerely wanted to be her husband. She could not have asked for more.

He deepened the kiss, bringing to life butterflies in her core that she had never experienced. His mouth slanted over hers in a slow, languid affection that made her reach out her hands. She wanted more of him. He reached for her in return, his hand sliding beneath her body and pulling her closer across the bedsheet. Emily tangled her fingers in his hair, delighted when his hand fisted in the back of her nightdress. She wanted to stay like this with him forever. Never wanted to be parted from him again.

But the stark reminder made her blood run cold; there was still the one thing that could separate them if she didn't get the truth out. Now.

Wrenching herself from him, Emily gasped for breath, staring into his dark brown eyes as he watched her in confusion.

"Emily," he spoke in a struggled voice. "What's wrong? I'm sorry if I—"

"Please do not apologize." Emily turned her back to him, sitting up on her side of the bed, and taking a moment to catch her breath. "You have done nothing wrong."

She heard him collapse back on the bed, steadying his own breathing before continuing. "What is it, then? Please don't close me out again, Emily."

Swallowing hard, she nodded. Emily deserved that caution, for she would have if she didn't know there was a possibility of such happiness with him on the other side of her confession.

"Before this can go any further, before we can finish the conversation from yesterday, there's something I need to tell you."

Emily stared at the wall of their room at the inn. She had to remember the reality of where they were in order to get the words out. She could not dwell on the fantasy of being in his arms just yet. For there was still the chance she might never feel such things ever again.

"Then tell me," he urged gently, placing his hand on her back.

"Do not touch me." She jerked away from him, then instantly regretted it. "You may despise me once you know the truth."

"Despise you?" The mattress moved behind her, and he appeared at her side on the bed.

Emily rushed to her feet. "Just give me a moment, and I will explain everything."

He nodded patiently as Emily took to pacing before him. She pressed her lips together while wringing her hands, searching deep within herself for the words.

"I want you to know that I never intended to deceive you, for there was a great length of time I did not know any of this myself. The truth was not revealed to me until recently, after we were already married. And because of that, I'm terrified of how it will change things."

Alex reached out, offering her his hand, and Emily was slow to take it. "Please do not fret so," he said, his brows furrowed in concern. "Whatever it is, I will do my best to help you, I promise."

Oh, how she wanted to believe him, but she still did not know what their future would bring. Still, she couldn't keep from taking his hand, and again sat beside him on the bed.

"What you know of my personal history is partially true. After birth, I was taken to Mrs. Euphemia's Boarding School for Underprivileged Ladies. I never knew my parents, but my portion was always paid in full, and I presumed I would never meet them because I was not wanted."

Alex squeezed her hand, as if he knew how much that had pained her over the years. "I remember you told me as much before."

"That meant I could be the child of some commoner who could not afford a child and had been turned over to the parish. Or even a woman who had died in birth whose husband could not bear to bring up the child alone."

He nodded. "Yes, these are all things I had considered, as well."

"But it could also mean I am a bastard child, born out of wedlock and hidden away. Someone society would despise more than the prior options."

Emily's chin quivered as the stark realization filled his eyes; clearly something he had not considered. She couldn't blame him, but still, it hurt. Which meant her chances were greater to lose him.

She loosened her grip on his hand, but he still did not release her.

"I learned that not only is that the case, but I know the family, if you can imagine."

Alex blinked. "The duke and duchess?"

Emily took a deep breath and nodded. "The dowager duchess, to be precise. She was my mother, and my father was a nobleman who was not her husband. I was born in secrecy and sent away. No one knows of my existence as her daughter, nor of my relation to the duke as his half-sister."

"Good God," Alex exclaimed, leaning one hand back on the bed.

He still did not release her other hand.

"I had noticed certain similarities between the two of you, but such a notion never crossed my mind."

Emily nodded. "Of course not."

"Then the day the dowager died?"

"Yes, I asked her for the truth, and she confessed it all. I still do not know my father, only that he has already passed on."

Alex leaned back on the headboard of their bed, casually brushing his thumb over the back of her hand. Emily waited in anticipation as he processed all the information.

"And you worried in telling me this?"

Again, Emily swallowed hard, possible words still thick in her throat. "You and I were not always on the good terms we have now. My parentage is not widely known nor should it be, but were it to get out, I knew how it might further damage your reputation, your family's name, your sister's chances. I did not know how you would respond… and if it would result in you seeking of some way to end the marriage. A marriage neither of us wanted in the first place but have now resolved to save."

"Ahh, I understand now."

All her apprehension and expected doom seemed to pause, for her hand still remained firmly in his grasp. He must know how much she needed even the smallest notion of his support, and he refused to take it away, even with this her devastating confession. She waited on bated breath, watching the muscle work in his jaw, wondering what was happening behind those dark eyes .

Wondering whether or not she had kissed him for the last time.

Alex leaned forward, looking down at their intertwined fingers. "Thank you for telling me, Emily. I realize this must have weighed heavily on you for some time, for those are reasonable concerns."

Emily pressed her lips together, throat running dry.

"I think you are right, that perhaps the conversation from yesterday might need to wait."

Her stomach sank, understanding what he was saying. He no longer met her gaze, and his voice was full of obvious concern.

"We should return to London as decided, and we can take some time to think on the situation, to consider everything fully."

She nodded in response, pulling her hand from his grasp. She didn't want to take comfort in his touch if he had no more to offer. Instead, she silently moved from the bed to ready for the long trip ahead.