Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

I n the following days, Emily had done her best to prepare for what she had to do. She had gone on a walk in the sunshine with her maid, she had finished her stitching project successfully, she had read more in her book, and then she had dressed for dinner. Now she stood at the top of the stairs with a lump in her throat, not nearly as prepared as she ought to be for a simple dinner with her husband.

But she took a deep breath and let the banister under her hand lead her safely to the ground floor, where she made her way to the dining room.

Her husband, she thought the word with more trepidation than anticipated, looked up when she entered, his gaze widening as he shot to his feet. "Good evening," he said, his tone rising in shock.

She should have anticipated his surprise, for she had yet to join him for dinner unaccompanied. But it was a necessary step if she was to reach her solution.

"Good evening. Do you mind if I join you?" Emily asked, standing frozen in the doorway .

"Not at all." Then he moved to pull out her seat on the other side of the table.

"Thank you for joining me," he said, his voice close to her ear, before he returned to his seat.

Emily swallowed, grateful for the distance.

The food was served, and Emily took a spoonful of the soup. She tried to ignore the feeling of being watched, for every other moment, her husband would look up across the table, as if to check if she were still there. And she had to admit to herself that it was easier to eat at the table instead of hidden away in her room. Though she needed to find a way to break through the silence.

"Did you have a pleasant day?" he asked, making Emily look up.

"I suppose I did, though it included nothing of import." Such dull conversation, but they had to start somewhere. "And you?"

He glanced down at his spoon, as if searching for some way to respond. "Perhaps. I stayed busy, but it was satisfying work. Letters of business, mostly."

"I see." She paused, wondering how to turn the conversation. "Does your business tend to take you from London?"

His eyes brightened. "Not often, but I do look forward to opportunities to travel. Have you desires to travel anywhere in particular?"

Emily shook her head. "Not that I can think of. At the moment, I've been longing to visit Wynnwood Park. I miss it dreadfully, along with my horse there, Morgana. She does not do well in the city, and perhaps she is like me in that regard."

Mr. Westcott gave a forced smile. "I would think you have done rather well for yourself. It seems you thrive in any situation presented to you, and I have not seen you make a scene out in society that would be deemed a failure."

She could not mention their run-in on the balcony, so instead she said, "Perhaps that is because you have not seen me out in the public eye enough." They both chuckled, but Emily caught herself. This easy camaraderie was just the sort of connection she needed to avoid.

"And where do you go when you travel?" she pressed.

"Mostly to Bath, to visit my mother and my sisters. But I remember visiting Brighton during my childhood, and those were some of my happiest days." When he lifted his eyes to her, she felt his pointed stare, a sparkle in his gaze. "I have been thinking of taking a trip down there again."

Her heart leapt in excitement; this was her opportunity. "That is an excellent idea. You should certainly take the time to visit when the occasion arises. Perhaps while you're on your travels, I could go visit the duke's home again, and spend some time with my horse. I'm sure she's lonesome without me."

He blinked in response. "You think I ought to travel alone?"

"Indeed. You can enjoy the place where you enjoyed so much growing up, and that would be a good time for me to go visit the duke's estate."

He paused before putting down his fork and knife, then looking to her. "So we should travel separately in opposite directions??"

Emily's heart pounded, but she pressed forward. "I don't see why not."

He eyed her carefully. "What brought on this idea?"

Emily's cheeks burned, but she fought it off, lifting her chin in confidence and choosing her next words carefully. "I know our marriage has not been ideal for either one of us. You mentioned putting in effort to make it work, but there might be an easier option. I prefer to live in the country, and you have made it clear you do not. We needn't stay in the townhouse together if it makes us miserable or requires too much sacrifice. We could live apart, me in the country, and you could stay here, or in Brighton, or in Bath. We need only see each other when necessary."

She did not think it was possible, but her husband appeared distraught at her suggestion. The light she had seen in his eyes before had dimmed to nearly nothing, his lips drooping back to his near-permanent scowl. "You wish to live apart?" he asked, in a low steady tone.

Why was he acting so forlorn? She had been so certain he would jump at the idea. "Hadn't you stated before you despised me?" she asked with a light tease in her voice. "While I appreciate your efforts at civility since then, it might not be needed."

"I never said I despise you." A pink color tinged his cheeks. "I merely said you were infuriating." He mumbled something about how she truly had been, but Emily let it slide as he let out a sigh and shook his head. "This is not quite the topic of conversation I had in mind."

She flinched. She had been too eager in her cause. "Forgive me, I did not intend to stray from proper subjects. What would you like to discuss?" she asked as the next course of dinner was presented.

"It would hardly be a welcome matter now," he said with a wave of his hand. "Please, enjoy your dinner."

And with that, any conversation came to a complete halt. It seemed neither of them could articulate what they wished, so the dinner continued in the silence she wanted to avoid. Emily wondered what he had hoped to discuss, but she didn't feel confident in asking about it now. At least it hadn't resulted in a fight. Their first dinner alone together was not a complete loss, but she certainly wouldn't count it as a win either.