Chapter 35

Fora moment, nothing happened. No sound, no movement, not even a twitch from Ulfarr beside her.

ButLouisa drew in a breath, and drew Ulfarr's hand closer. And then slowly threaded her fingers through his, feeling how he quivered at her touch, but didn't resist. Didn't protest.

SoLouisa just… kept kneeling there, and waiting. Kept holding Ulfarr's hand, and breathing. Because somehow, in the midst of all that, she'd made a decision. She wasn't going to offer Ulfarr easy excuses, or easy forgiveness. But before she cast her own judgement, she wanted to hear his truth. His side of the tale.

Shedidn't want to ignore this, or forget it. She wanted to… face it. To learn the truth.

Anothermoment passed, with only their breaths breaking the silence, and finally there was — movement, above them. Beside them. Killik, sinking down to sit on Ulfarr's other side, and clasping his other hand close.

"Might as well tell her, Wolf," he said, his gaze fixed on where he was threading his own fingers between Ulfarr's, too. "Naught to lose now, ach?"

Ahard shudder wrenched up Ulfarr's body between them, and he twitched a nod of his bowed head. And though he drew in breath, opened his mouth, no sound came out, only more empty, aching silence.

"MayhapI can begin this, then," came Killik's low voice. "Should you allow this, Wolf."

Ulfarrshuddered again, but then, another nod. AndLouisa waited, her heartbeat thudding in her ears, as Killik breathed deep too, sank himself into the earth.

"I told you of Wolf's pack, woman," Killik finally said, into the silence. "I told you how this pack was at first a punishment from his father Alfver, ach?"

Louisanodded, studied where Killik was staring straight ahead, the blood still streaked down his cheek. "Alfver was the strongest, most feared warrior amongst the Skai," he continued. "He built and led our most powerful pack, renowned for its great power in battle. Not only this, but he also served as our clan's Enforcer — our keeper of our ways, and our judge and punisher. Alfver was… a king, amongst us."

Louisanodded again, and Killik drew in another deep breath, let it out. "ButAlfver was also oft a cruel, selfish orc," he said. "He punished his rivals. He hoarded all our clan's wealth. He served the mountain's fool captain Kaugir, and drove us to fight to our deaths upon Kaugir's command. He only appointed other pack leaders who would obey him. And he granted his own pack freedom to do all that they wished, no matter the harm this caused. Whether within our clan, or well beyond it."

Louisaswallowed, her thoughts flipping back to LordScall. To the kinds of choices it took to gain that much power, to all the darkness that followed and festered in its wake. "And there was no way to… weaken Alfver?" she asked, quiet. "Or undermine him?"

Killik'slaugh was curt and bitter, his head shaking back and forth. "Not lest you wished to be cast out of the pack, or sent to the front of the next battle," he replied. "AndAlfver would oft seek to fetter any strong Skai before they could become a threat. As he did with his own son, by granting him this pack. A dozen weak, helpless, fatherless orclings, who needed constant feeding and guarding and care. Orclings who no one else would miss, if they were to face some… mishap."

Thesudden horror of that heaved deep in Louisa's belly, and she shot a searching look at Ulfarr's bowed head. "That's why your father gave you that pack?" she asked, too sharp. "So he could control you? By using children against you?"

Ulfarr'sbody betrayed another shudder, and Louisa squeezed his hand tighter, shook her head. Gods, it was such a perfect and vicious trap, because even without that looming threat of their deaths, the amount of time and energy it would have required to care for that many children would have been utterly debilitating, especially in the midst of a war.

"ButWolf yet faced his fate, and did his best," Killik added, fiercer now. "He cared for his pack, and guarded us, even against his father. He oft took our blame and our sins and our grievances upon himself, so naught fell back upon us. And amidst all this, he yet sought to weaken his father from within, and raise up those who might someday defeat him."

Louisaexhaled and nodded, because yes, that all sounded true. That sounded like the Ulfarr she knew, the Ulfarr she'd seen with her own eyes. TheUlfarr who cared so deeply for his son, and his kin.

"But few Skai beyond our little pack saw this," Killik said, his mouth thinning. "They did not see all the ways Wolf fought his father to help us, and uphold our clan. They did not see how he stood back — how he gave up his own birthright — so that our brother Simon could gain the strength to defeat Alfver, and then take his place as Enforcer. And ach, even when Simon then chose to break apart the packs" — Killik sighed — "Wolf did not once fight this, even as he grieved his pack's loss. He swore his vow to honour Simon as our new Enforcer, and urged us all to swear this, also."

Louisadrew in a deep breath, and searched Killik's hard profile in the darkness. "And what… what did you think of all this?" she asked, careful. "Did you support Simon's decision to disband the packs?"

Killik'sjaw flexed in his cheek, but he twitched a shrug. "No, I did not," he replied, slower. "ButI yet saw this wisdom in this. The packs wielded far too much power and freedom, and brought much grief upon us. Simon needed to show his strength before our kin, and bring them change, and hope. And even if Wolf's pack was not a threat, Simon could not only leave this one pack, and disband all the others, ach? Most of all with Wolf yet being Alfver's son, and yet bearing much power and honour amongst his kin."

Right. That made sense, but Louisa's eyes were again caught on Ulfarr's bowed head, on all the weight he'd borne in this. Trapped by his father, burdened with a pack he hadn't asked for — and then offering up his birthright to another, and losing the pack he'd given so much to build.

"And has Simon been a good leader, at least?" she asked, squeezing Ulfarr's hand tighter. "Has he been an improvement for your clan, over Alfver?"

"Ach, yes," came Killik's reply, without hesitation this time. "Simon has been a far better and wiser Enforcer than Alfver. And from the start, we all sought to honour him, but" — another sigh, another shrug — "many of us yet trusted Wolf, and turned to him when we needed help. And after Alfver, none of us wished to live beneath one orc's judgement — so if ever we doubted Simon's judgement, we came to Wolf for this, too. AndWolf would then defend us, and oft draw upon the old ways of the clan to do this — for even Simon could not argue or refute these."

Louisaconsidered that for a long moment, pulling it together, envisioning where it led. "So did the clan become… divided over this?" she asked, tentative. "WithUlfarr rivalling Simon for the leadership, after all?"

Killikshrugged again, and pursed his lips. "Not at first, I ken," he said slowly. "The role of Enforcer yet carries much weight, and is also upheld by the role of our RightHand, Drafli — a strong Skai who stands for us beside our mountain's captain. SoI ken most Skai only saw Wolf as a strong brother who freely spoke his kin's truth, and sought to defend us and our ways. But then" — another heavy sigh — "then came Maria."

Maria. Ulfarr's hand spasmed in Louisa's, but he otherwise didn't move, and Louisa's eyes darted between his head, and Killik's sharp, grim profile. His mouth tight, his jaw clenched, the blood still streaked down his cheek.

"You ken who Maria was, ach?" Killik asked, with a brief glance toward her. "TheDuchess of Warmisham?"

Louisanodded, and Killik flipped a dagger out of his hair, and frowned down toward it. "Three summers past, Maria came to our mountain alone," Killik said. "But she did not tell us she was a duchess. Instead, she play-acted as though she was only a common woman, seeking refuge with us. But" — his mouth tightened — "but once she set eyes upon Simon, she at once offered to bed him, and bear him a son. Forcoin."

Louisablinked at him, tilting her head. TheDuchess of Warmisham had come to OrcMountain, and pretended she wasn't a duchess at all? And then she'd instantly offered to bear one of their most powerful orcs a son? Forpayment?

"So… was it some kind of attack, then?" Louisa cautiously asked. "I assume DukeWarmisham sent her? Perhaps he blackmailed her, or paid her off, so he could claim his helpless young wife had been abducted by orcs, and then use that to drive his war efforts against you? And maybe blackmail you with her son afterwards, too?"

Ulfarr'sbody against her betrayed a flinch, and on his other side, Killik's glance toward her looked almost surprised. "Ach, this is all just as we thought," he said flatly. "ButSimon longed for Maria, and he believed she wished to betray her duke husband with us. And thus, he pushed us all to take the risk. And our mountain's other leaders — and even our own RightHand — were swayed into this, in hopes that we might twist it to our own ends. So" — he barked a bitter laugh — "a lying duchess came to live amongst the Skai. Walking our halls, and eating at our tables, and sharing our Enforcer's bed. Whilst we all played along with her fool little game."

Damn. Louisa winced, shaking her head, biting back the first words that came to her mouth. "That is… unfortunate," she said. "And not to judge, but… why didn't you just tell Maria you knew the truth from the start? Or perhaps give her an isolated waiting period, until you could be sure what Warmisham was planning? Or at least keep her housed well away from here, so you could add some degree of plausible deniability about your involvement with her, and help protect your mountain against him?"

Besideher, Ulfarr flinched again, and Killik's sideways glance looked almost grateful this time. "Again, this is what we wished for, also," he replied, clipped. "ButSimon would not hear of it. We all thought" — another cold, bitter laugh — "he was fuck-drunk beyond saving, ach? ForMaria is a lusty, needy woman, who was well able to bear his hard ploughing, and eagerly begged him for his gifts. Just as Skai like best."

Somethingdropped in Louisa's belly, but she fought to shove it away, to keep following this where it went. "So that left only… Ulfarr to defend you," she said slowly. "To stand up against Simon, on your behalf."

Killik'sgrim eyes held to hers as he nodded, and then he glanced at Ulfarr, and gave a gentle bump of their clasped hands against Ulfarr's knee. "Ach, it was only Wolf left," he said, quiet. "For again, the rest of us had all spoken vows to honour our Enforcer, ach? But though Wolf had also sworn this, he had long before sworn to honour us. To protect his pack against our enemies. And against the sins and the greed of even our closest and strongest brothers."

Right. Right, of course, it was exactly what Ulfarr would do, after having lived through everything with his father — and Louisa let out a shaky breath, and squeezed his big hand in hers, too. "So you challenged Simon about keeping Maria here, and putting you all at risk?" she carefully asked toward him. "And as part of that" — her thoughts twisted, floundered back to what Maria had said — "you… tried to seduce her? And… share her?"

Ulfarrflinched again, but still didn't reply, and beside him Killik barked another low laugh. "Mark me, woman, none of us wished for Maria in our beds," he said dryly. "She was fickle and flighty and fearful, and was only bearable when she was stuck screeching upon Simon's pole of a prick. But ach, the easiest charge against her was that Simon broke our clan's ways of taking mates with her, so" — he shrugged against Ulfarr's shoulder — "this was what Wolf first called upon."

Louisawasn't following again, and searched Killik's hard profile, how he was intentionally looking away, now. "So what were your usual ways around taking mates, then?" she asked. "Not paying one for a child, I would hope?"

ButKillik still wasn't looking at her, and he was again drawing in breath, drawing up strength from the earth. "No," he replied. "In days past, true Skai mates were only gained through a hunt, or a rut. In a hunt, a Skai seeks out the mate he wishes, and makes her an offer. In the rut, a Skai shares a woman with his closest clanmates. And whichever orc fathers her son then gains her, and keeps her as his mate."

Wait— what? Louisa's mouth dropped open, as shock roiled through her gut. "You can't — mean that?" she demanded. "Good gods, you would actually do that to a woman?!"

Killik'slip curled, and he shot a narrow glance toward her. "If you ken this was always — or even oft — forced upon the woman, you are a fool," he said, his voice curt. "I did not see you whining about us sharing you last eve, ach? Was this something you loathed, and would wish never to repeat?"

Right. Louisa couldn't hide her shaky exhale, or the sudden low pull in her belly, and Killik huffed a sharp laugh, and jabbed his dagger toward her. "Ach, I thought not," he said. "Now, only think if there had been a few more of us in our bed last eve, ach? If you had a whole band of hungry Skai who all wished to touch you, and taste you, and grant you joy with us?"

Curseit, Louisa was not thinking about that, she was not, and Killik rolled his eyes, and gave an exasperated sigh. "Ach, we can scent you, woman," he snapped. "But even beyond pleasure, this rut had other gains, ach? It brought the woman into the clan. It offered her many Skai scents, and thus, the clan was well able to track her and keep her safe. And no matter which orc fathered her son, the son would yet bear the scents of the others, most of all if they kept finding joy together after this first rut. So in this, the son gained many fathers, who would all help to feed him, and raise him, and guard him against their foes."

Oh. Louisa's belly was still unhelpfully clenching, enough that it only belatedly occurred to her that Killik sounded… wistful. That maybe… maybe he'd wanted that. He'd wanted a group of devoted Skai fathers watching over him, caring for him. Rather than his own miserable-sounding upbringing, orphaned and abused and forgotten, relying on the kindness of a teenager to keep him safe.

Butthen, between them, Ulfarr finally… shifted. Raised his head. And though his face looked haggard and pale, his mouth was set as he turned to look at Killik, his head twitching back and forth.

"No, Killik," he said, his voice a scraping rasp. "I ken this was the good side of these ruts, but you ken there was not a good side, also. You ken many women feared this, or became bound to orcs they did not wish for. You ken orcs like my father wielded this as a weapon, and used the bonds built by these ruts to their own cruel gain. My father wielded his women as commands, and as rewards."

Louisa'sstomach plummeted, as the horrifying possible visions of that flashed behind her eyes — and Ulfarr glanced toward her, his hand tightening against hers. "There is naught now to fear upon this, Louisa," he said, his voice still hoarse. "Simon altered this practice amongst us, and he was right to do this. Just as he was right to break apart the packs. Just as he was right" — Louisa could hear his swallow — "about Maria."

Wait, he was? Louisa blinked at Ulfarr, at the bleak regret etched into his sad, shadowed face. "Simon was right, and I was wrong," he said thickly. "ForMaria had no scheme with her duke husband. She only wished to spurn this man, and escape his cruelty toward her. And in my fear and my fury, I only heaped more cruelty upon her, and sowed more strife and darkness amidst our clan."

Louisacouldn't move, couldn't speak, could only stare at that grief glimmering in Ulfarr's eyes. "I sought to drive Maria away from us, and from Simon," he continued. "I sought to mock her, to frighten her, to lure her into my bed. And when none of this swayed her" — he drew in a slow, shaky breath — "I turned my rage toward Simon, and his rightful role as Enforcer. I challenged him for his place, and fought his judgement, and scorned his wisdom, and mocked his closest brothers. And amidst this, I upheld the orcs who stood for me in this battle, even when they had done great wrongs. I believed my defenders when they spoke their falsehoods to me, and thus I allowed deep darkness to fester within our clan. AndI yet did not repent, and…"

Heheaved another harsh breath, his mouth contorting, his head shaking back and forth. "And then I stole Maria away, against her will," he whispered. "I meant to take her away from Simon and our kin forever, far across the sea. I thought this was the only way to save us. I thought I was guarding my kin from this cruel duke, from mayhap the greatest threat we had ever faced. But — I was wrong."

Wrong. His voice was flat and cold on the word, and he again shook his head. "I was wrong," he repeated. "I was wrong, and I was short-sighted, and I was cruel. Maria did not deserve my judgement, or all the fear and pain I brought her. And my kin did not deserve my rage, and my foolishness, and my failure to see the evil amongst us. The evil" — his voice dropped — "within me."

Louisacouldn't look away from his face, couldn't think through the whirling mess in her thoughts, the pain in Ulfarr's eyes on hers. "And since all this," he continued, slower, as if he was forcing the words out, "Maria has proven me wrong, again and again. She has shown herself a good, strong, lusty Skai mate to Simon. She wears our garb, she fights in our arena, she flaunts her form and her hunger for all our clan to see. She has even wedded Simon in the way of her own kin, and has borne him a strong Skai son, also."

Louisa'sthoughts whirled faster, louder, flashing back and forth, even as her eyes stayed frozen on Ulfarr's face. Because yes, that was sadness, and grief, and regret — but strongest of all, perhaps, was the… wistfulness, low and heavy in his voice. The… longing.

Ulfarr… wanted all that. He wanted a good, strong, lusty Skai mate. He wanted a woman who wore his garb, fought in his arena, flaunted her body, bore him a son…

Louisa'seyes squeezed shut, but it all kept parading on, too sharp and painful behind her eyes. Because no matter what Killik said, maybe — maybe Ulfarr had also truly wanted… Maria. Maybe he had wanted Simon to share Maria with him. Maybe he had wanted to seduce Maria, to lure her to his bed, and maybe even the kidnapping had been part of that, too. He'd wanted to run away with her, across the sea, alone…

"So what… what if your efforts had worked, then?" Louisa made herself say, into the silence. "IfMaria had… agreed to run away with you? Or if Simon had agreed to share her? Would you have… proceeded?"

Gods, why was she even asking this, she didn't want to know this, it wasn't the important question… was it? But as she opened her eyes again, found Ulfarr's haggard, stricken face, she found she — needed to know. She needed to hear what he was capable of, needed to find a way through the desperate wheeling jealousy clamping at her throat. WasUlfarr still a monster, or was he not, were his awful actions justified, or were they not, and did he still want Maria, or did he not, and…

AndUlfarr just kept looking at her like that, with such aching, bitter sadness in his eyes. But then he sighed, and closed his eyes, and… and nodded.

"Ach," he said, almost a whisper. "I ken I should have… welcomed this."

Oh. It was like all the air had sucked away, like he'd kicked Louisa in the belly, or clawed her in the throat. Of course Ulfarr had wanted Maria. Of course he would have shared his affections and his stunning, powerful body with her, and surely he would never struggle to be aroused for her, either. She was so young, so beautiful, flaunting her form, wearing their garb, bearing their sons…

Andgods curse Louisa, why did it hurt so much, why was she so painfully jealous? And how selfish was this, how short-sighted was this, how could she possibly justify any of this, what the hell was she supposed to do with this, what the hell was she supposed to say? She had to leave, of course she had to leave, and escape this, and forget any of this had ever happened. She couldn't share her bed with a kidnapper, an enabler, with someone who truly wanted another woman, who wanted a son, who maybe always would —

Andmaybe — maybe Ulfarr knew it, too. Maybe he saw it, or scented it, because his clammy hand spasmed in Louisa's, and he slowly drew her hand to his mouth, and — kissed it. Kissed it with such soft furtiveness that it felt like his lips had barely touched her at all.

"I am sorry, Louisa," he said, his eyes shimmering in the darkness. "I am so sorry I touched you, and shared your bed, without first telling you these dark truths, and the depths of my great sins. This was — selfish, and greedy, and — wrong. I ought to have known — that even ten nights with a woman such as you — would be — should be —"

Ohgods, oh gods, was he weeping, the words choking in his throat, the wetness streaking from his eyes. And was he smiling, trying to smile, a travesty of a smile, something broken and defeated and sickening on his mouth.

"I wish you only happiness, and wealth, and Skai-kesh's greatest peace, Louisa," he whispered. "Farewell."