Chapter Five

"This isn't working," I complained.

I slumped to the ground and kicked my feet off the outcropping of rock Professor Warren had brought me to, swinging them over the edge. The rock face wasn't very tall; I could easily jump down. The safe house wasn't far, and I could hear Nadine's laughter carrying across the yard. She'd picked apples with the girls, and they sat at a picnic table to cut them up for apple pies. It looked like it'd turned into a food fight. Meanwhile, I was supposed to be working on my powers.

Professor Warren wanted me to try summoning a ghost. He figured if I could help spirits move on to the afterlife, I must be able to see them. Otherwise, I couldn't harness my gift.

"Perhaps we're too far away from any spirits who will hear your call," he suggested. "Or maybe it's our wards."

"Or maybe I can't see spirits until I've crossed over myself," I theorized. Oliver gave a trill and came to sit beside me. "I'm not a Seer. I've only ever helped spirits cross over under specific circumstances. Either Miles helped bring them onto the physical plane so I could interact with them, or I saw them while astral traveling."

"You can't rely on Miles to be there every time you wish to help a spirit cross over," Warren said. "I know there isn't a handbook for reapers, but there has to be more to your powers."

I scoffed. "There should be a handbook."

"With a gift as rare as yours, the stories get lost over time," Professor Warren pointed out. "We can figure this out. I know we can."

My shoulders fell, but I didn't respond. I kept my gaze on Nadine as she dodged another piece of apple Talia had thrown at her. Isa licked the apple slice, then batted it around with her paw.

Professor Warren came to sit beside me. He wore jeans and a black t-shirt, which seemed in casual contrast against the suits I was so used to seeing him in. "It's not your powers that you're upset about."

It wasn't a question. I shook my head in confirmation.

"You're not getting cold feet, are you?" he asked.

"What? No." Nothing could stop me from marrying Nadine. "I just wish it were happening under better circumstances."

I'd been thinking about this for a while now. I tried not to let it get under my skin, but as the wedding approached, it weighed heavier on my mind. I was certain Nadine had picked up on it the other night, but she didn't ask about it. The last thing I wanted was for her to think I didn't want to get married to her, because that was the exact opposite of how I felt.

"Tell me more," Professor Warren encouraged. "It's best to get it off your chest before the wedding."

I sighed heavily, because I knew he was right. I knew Dr. Mack would say the same thing, and her therapy sessions had helped so much. I'd been able to work through a lot of my issues, but I'd resolved long ago that there was one wound I may never heal from.

I didn't like to talk about it, but I knew I could open up to Professor Warren. He was supportive in ways my own family never had been. I never quite understood how Professor Warren had so much wisdom, yet my father completely lacked emotional intelligence at all. They were the same age—both in their forties—and they'd both been through some rough shit. My father had taken all that crap out on me, whereas Professor Warren used his experience to help. They were complete opposites.

"I want to give Nadine the world," I told Warren. "And this is… okay for now. But this place is also a reminder of everything we've lost—and everyone who won't be here. I made a choice to leave Octavia Falls and leave my family behind. I don't regret it, but part of me wishes my parents had cared enough. They never would've approved of this wedding. Hell, they'd try to stop it, if they were here."

"I understand," Warren said. "I'm proud of you for walking away from your parents, because most people don't have the strength to do that. It's hard living with parents who don't respect your choices. Nobody cuts off contact from their mom and dad unless they truly feel like they have no other choice. And even then, some kids prefer to die before they'll choose to walk away."

I immediately thought of Eric. A chill breeze passed over my skin, and I gave a shudder. His words hit a bit too close to home. "I just don't know why I can't forget about them."

"No matter how long it's been, you aren't going to get over how horrible your family is. Even if you've decided that you no longer want them in your life, that decision is still going to hurt. It rarely gets easier with time, even if it's the healthiest thing for you." Professor Warren had told me before about his absent father, and I knew he understood.

"I'm used to the way my parents are, and I'm okay with that. It's more that I wish I had family here at all. No one is here to support me."

"That's not true," Professor Warren said, gesturing toward the house. "We're here for you."

"I know that, but it isn't the same," I admitted. "Parents are supposed to be there for their children, but mine never were. I've held on to hope for so long that my parents would change, but they've shown me that's never going to happen."

I could never forget the last time I saw them. They'd invited Nadine and me over for dinner before we fled Octavia Falls, and I'd been naive enough to accept their request, thinking we could finally make up after all this time. Instead, my father had gone into a rage and almost hurt Nadine. I'd fought back and knocked him out. My mother had the chance to come with us, but she made the choice to stay with him.

I didn't want to see my parents again, that was for sure. I only wished they'd cared, and maybe things would be different.

"It's scary trying to find my place in the world," I continued. "I know my place is with Nadine, but there's this other voice in my head that says if the family I came from didn't want me, why would anyone else? Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally, and mine despise me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel unlovable."

"No one can replace the love your parents were meant to provide you with, but it does not mean you cannot be loved by others," Warren said softly. "Your parents were incapable of showing you the love you deserved, and that's a reflection of them, not you."

"I know that logically, but my heart tells me a different story," I said. "My parents were never there, and so I was alone in this world from the start. I had my brother, but Eric's gone now, too. Sometimes it makes me feel like I really am alone in this world. After all, if your own mom and dad can't love you or treat you right, what's going to happen with your chosen family, who isn't obligated to stick around because of blood? They'll eventually get sick of you too and leave. Friends come and go, and Nadine could choose to leave at any time. If she really wanted that, I wouldn't make her stay, because I'd want her to be happy no matter what."

"Nadine chose to love you, because you make her happy." Warren gestured toward Nadine and the others across the lawn. "All of these people love you, and their love means more than the love you receive from the people who gave birth to you, because your friends chose you. Nadine loves you for who you are, not because she's related to you. You've been trying to prove yourself to your parents your whole life, and you've never been good enough for them. Here with your friends, you don't have to prove yourself, because they already accept you for who you are."

"I know I'm worthy of love, and I believe these people love me, but it's also scary to think they could take that back at any time," I said. "My parents' love was always conditional, if I ever received it at all, so it's hard getting used to someone loving me in a different way. It's even harder believing the people in my life now aren't going to cut and run at any time, because that's what my parents did to me, over and over whenever I didn't do what they wanted… and even if I did, they still abandoned me at times, even if I was the perfect kid. You only get one family, and if your family is broken, you don't get a chance at a new one. I was born to fucked-up parents, and I'm not going to get new ones. I think that's the hardest part of all this. I know I can be loved, but I'll never be loved in that way… like a son should. I wanted my family to show up for me, and they won't be here. They wouldn't come to my wedding even if I asked, and I won't ask, because it's not safe for Nadine and me to have them here. And not just because of the priestesses."

"Perhaps your real family is closer than you think," Professor Warren mused. "Family isn't who you're born to. Helena has taken on the role of your mother, and Grant is your brother. You're making a new family here. After the wedding, Nadine will be your family—your wife."

I liked the sound of that. Marrying Nadine was all I'd ever dreamed of, but it couldn't replace what I never had in the first place.

"I want to, but I don't know if I can believe that," I said. "I just keep waiting for the moment when Grant, Nadine… everybody just gets tired of me, and leaves."

"The only way around that is to trust that they won't," Professor Warren said. "After all, waiting around to get hurt is a self-fulfilling prophecy you put upon yourself. If you think the ones you love will always leave you, they're going to have a hell of a hard time convincing you they want to be here. But if you trust that you're the person they truly want and value… well, it gets a lot easier from that point out to convince yourself you're where you ought to be."

His words had a profound impact on me. I didn't want my family back, but I was still grieving losing them. No matter how much love my friends gave me, hell, how much love Nadine gave me, I always felt alone. There was a big hole in my heart that told me I was so empty inside that everyone I loved would end up leaving eventually, because if my blood didn't want me, who else would? For fuck's sake, Eric had died to get away from it all, even if it meant leaving me behind. So with where I was at now, what did it all mean for me?

I wasn't sure, but I at least had to give it a shot. Marrying Nadine meant choosing to believe that I could be loved and believing that I could start over. I wasn't sure if she and my friends could be the family I so desperately wanted… but maybe if they couldn't replace my parents, at least they could become something better. I definitely didn't want the kind of love that I'd had before.

I wanted something new. And maybe this could be the fresh start that I needed. I only had to hold on to the hope that what I was fighting for would always choose to stay.