Chapter Twenty-One
The forest was cold and damp as I trudged back toward the house, weighed down by the calamitous gravity of having just buried my newborn son. Losing a child was not a misfortune I wished upon even my worst enemies. Nobody should have to go through something like this.
Our friends had already given Dean a proper goodbye by singing and writing messages in his notebook, but burying him was something I had to do alone. Nadine wasn't well enough to come with me, and intuitively, I knew she couldn't watch anyway. I'd snuck outside and hadn't told anyone what I was doing, because I didn't want them to follow.
I hadn't used any tools, but instead, dug my hands into the wet earth in order to make my son's grave, laying him gently beside Helena. Dean had been given a proper burial right next to her. I liked to think she was with him, watching over him. He deserved to be with family, and his great-grandmother would make sure he didn't rest alone in those woods.
Thinking like that was the only way to get through this.
An all-consuming numbness took over me somewhere on my way back to the house, because I couldn't remember walking inside. Brown water swirled down the kitchen drain as I washed the dirt from my hands. I couldn't process how quickly it had all happened. A few hours ago, Nadine and I were sleeping soundlessly in bed. Now, our whole world had flipped on end.
Talia had said she foresaw a tragic fate no matter what path we traveled. We'd broken the Reaper's Shadow curse, and Nadine and Marcus had both been saved. But we'd welcomed one baby boy into this world, at the cost of saying goodbye to another. It wasn't fair, and I cursed all the gods in all the pantheons for allowing such a tragedy to take place.
Nadine hadn't died, but there was a part of both of us that did when we lost Dean. I could already feel it. None of us would come out of this the same people we were before.
All we could do was keep moving forward, if only for Marcus's sake. We were parents now, and we had to learn how to be there for him, and not just ourselves.
I only bemoaned the fact that Dean wouldn't be here to share our new lives with. I didn't know when the pain was going to stop, when this heaviness in my iron heart was going to lift.
It wasn't until Dean was in the ground when I'd realized it never would.
Footsteps sounded behind me, and I realized I'd been standing over the kitchen sink for Goddess knew how long. The water ran clear, and yet I still felt the need to scrub every inch of my hands. There was no amount of cleansing in the world that could be done to erase the heartbreak of losing a child.
I glanced over my shoulder to see Professor Warren standing there. I didn't really want company, unless it was Oliver or Nadine, but I didn't know where Oliver had gone. He must've been off sleeping in another area of the house.
Warren shoved his hands into his pockets. "I'm deeply sorry for your loss."
I turned back to the sink. "Thanks, but you don't have to check up on me. I'll be okay."
He spoke gently. "We both know that's not true. Now's not the time to mask your emotions."
I grabbed the scrub brush from the counter and scrubbed under my nails vigorously. My skin was turning red, and to anyone else it may appear painful, but I felt nothing. "I need to get the dirt off," I stated flatly.
Warren stepped up beside me and placed a gentle hand on my arm. "It's okay to not be okay."
The tears beading in my eyes spilled over the lids. I'd already cried so much. I wasn't sure I had any tears left in me. Professor Warren wrapped me in a hug, and all I could do was sag against him. Water dripped from my hands onto the floor, but it barely registered.
The hug was strange, because Warren was like a father figure to me, and all I ever got from my own father was lectures on how to man up. I couldn't recall a time when my father and I had exchanged a hug, yet it was everything I needed right now. I needed someone to tell me it was okay to be vulnerable, before convincing me to compose myself so I could be there for my wife and child.
My shoulders shook in sobs. "I loved him so much."
"I know," Warren said softly. "There is no grief like that of losing a child. I can't imagine what you're going through."
"I don't want you to," I told him. "No one should ever have to go through this."
Warren drew away. His eyes were red with tears. "You don't have to do it alone, all right? We're all here for you."
People kept saying that. I just wished it was enough, but it wasn't. Nothing could replace losing my son. Platitudes and sympathy only went so far, and they did nothing to ease this pain.
"It's not fair," I told him. "Helena and Dean are gone. Everyone I love either dies or leaves, and I'm sick of people around me getting hurt. I love Dean so much, but it wasn't enough to save him. All the love in the world wasn't able to bring him back."
"Just because the love you experienced didn't last doesn't mean it wasn't real," Warren said gently.
"You don't get it," I said harshly. "I told you before, everyone I love abandons me. My son didn't get a chance to even choose—he was forced to go, and none of us got a chance to even know him. It's fucked up. It's wrong."
"It is wrong. It's cruel, and awful, and shouldn't ever happen," Warren stated. "But sometimes it does, and there's nothing we can do."
"I should've been stronger. If I was more powerful, I might've been able to do something."
"You're an incredible reaper, but though you have the powers of death, you don't have the ability to stop it," Warren replied quietly. "There aren't any words anyone can give that will take away this pain. But I want you to know that your community is here for you, and we aren't going anywhere."
I didn't quite believe him, but I knew he was being genuine, so I merely wiped my eyes and said, "I need to get back to my wife now."
"Of course." He stepped aside to let me pass.
Each room I passed felt like a blur, until I reached the bedroom. Nadine was asleep on the bed, and Marcus was breathing quietly inside his incubator. Nadine's hand rested inside the incubator, with one finger placed in Marcus's hand. It was so precious that all I could do was stare for several moments, taking it in.
The lamp on the nightstand was on, but I didn't bother turning it off when I crawled into bed. I didn't want to miss a moment watching my precious little boy if I didn't have to.
I snuggled up next to Nadine. She stirred slightly but didn't wake. I watched Marcus's tiny chest rise and fall, until I drifted off to sleep.
An odd sensation came over my body, like I was drifting upward. I opened my eyes to see the room bathed in the familiar rainbow colors of the astral plane. Nadine's ethereal form sat at the edge of the bed, looking down into Marcus's incubator. Our bodies lay soundlessly snuggled up together on the bed.
"I see we both had the same idea," I remarked.
Nadine's spirit turned to me. "My body was so tired, but I didn't want to miss a moment with him. I figured I wouldn't have to miss a second if I was astral traveling. This way, I can be with him while my body rests."
I sat on the edge of the bed beside her in spiritual form and took her hand in mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Marcus, though. "We've been through a lot tonight, but I could've lost all of you, and I'm really glad I didn't."
Nadine rested her head on my shoulder. "I just wish we had more time to say goodbye."
The sound of a baby's cry filled the room, and we both immediately became more alert. I shot to my feet and peered into Marcus's incubator. Marcus was sound asleep.
The cry came again, only I realized it was coming from the other side of the room. I turned, and my spirit nearly dropped straight back into my body. Lying in the second incubator was Dean. His form was ghost-like and transparent, but his cries were strong.
Nadine and I slowly approached his incubator, as if we were both afraid this was some sort of trick. His little arms and legs wiggled, and he reached out to us, like he was looking for someone to grab on to.
"Nad, you were right," I said breathlessly. "Dean's spirit was here this whole time. We can see him now because we're on the astral plane."
Tears of joy streamed down Nadine's cheeks. "Come here, baby boy."
She reached for him, and her hands went straight through the incubator. She lifted Dean's ethereal form and held him close to her chest. His cries halted, and he let out a blissful sigh.
Warmth filled my chest when I placed my hand on our son's back. I leaned down to kiss his head, then whispered, "This is it, Nad. We get a second chance to tell him goodbye."
She touched her nose to his head. "I never want to let you go. Not tonight, at least."
"You don't have to," I told her gently. "We can take all the time we need."
And we did. Hours passed as we comforted our baby boy. We told him stories about how we met and all the fun things we'd done together. We recounted details from Nadine's pregnancy and told him the story of his birth.
"Your mama was so strong," I said. "We got to hold you for just a little while, and it was the most beautiful thing in the world."
"You're going home very soon," Nadine told him. "There, you won't have to worry about anything. Your grandma and grandpa will be there, and they'll make sure you're always fed and you have as many blankets as you could ever need. You're going to be so cozy, and everyone will love you."
"We won't be there with you," I added. "But we'll see you again. We promise."
We took Dean's spirit over to Marcus's incubator and showed him his brother. Dean let out a tiny coo that I could only assume was the sound of joy.
The dark hours of the morning brightened as the sun began to rise. Nadine glanced at our sleeping bodies on the bed. "We're going to wake up soon."
I held out my hands. "Can I hold him again?"
"Of course." Nadine placed the tiny little boy into my arms, and I swore, I never felt so alive than in that moment. Losing Dean was one of the most difficult things we'd ever endured, but being his dad was the absolute greatest blessing ever. I was absolutely smitten with these boys.
I had a realization then. "I was angry at Talia. She said she saw us holding our babies, and back then I thought that meant things would be okay. I felt like she'd lied to us. Now that I'm holding him, I realize this must be the future she saw, and maybe it will still be okay."
Nadine's features softened. "I think it will be. I understand now what my grief was trying to tell me."
"Oh?" I asked curiously. "What was that?"
Nadine didn't get a chance to answer before we witnessed two dark clouds swirl above our bodies, taking the shape of our forms. Images of our own selves stood before us, as if we were looking into a mirror. I hadn't even tried to draw our grief out, but I must've been working my magic subconsciously, because we had manifested our grief into physical form together.
An image of myself stood across from me, his arm wrapped around the spitting image of Nadine. There was sadness in his eyes that I understood all too well, because he and I were one and the same. I didn't have to think about it. I knew exactly what the two of them needed.
I stepped forward and placed Dean's spirit into Grief Lucas's arms.
Grief Nadine smiled, and the sadness in my grief's eyes melted away. I stood back, holding my Nadine's hand. Across from us stood an image of what could've been—a future holding our son that we would never have. Somehow, it didn't tear me apart, but made me happy for these final moments we got to share with him.
"I don't want to fight you anymore," Nadine told her grief. "I understand now that you aren't going anywhere. But I also know that your existence is not something I can blame myself for, because I'll never be able to fix it."
Grief Nadine looked up from Dean, wearing a soft expression. "I'm with you now, but we can work together."
"I understand," Nadine said. "I know it will take time, but I need to process this in a healthy way. Blaming myself is only going to destroy me. There is no fix or cure, because I can't make you go away. But I can learn to live in harmony with you. You're a piece of me now, and you will remind me every day of those I love, but I can use that love for good. Grief cannot come to an end, because it's a process."
"It's okay to grieve," Grief Nadine told her. "You don't have to run from it out of shame."
"I just thought I could change it," Nadine replied. "But I see now what I need to change is myself. I was grieving for those I'd lost, including myself, because I didn't know who to be without those people, or without my disability. It's clear to me now that grief requires you to change. It isn't something you get over. It's something you grow through and learn to live with, and it's something that changes your identity. You have to come out on the other side a new person. I can either let my grief consume me, or let it drive me forward, but I can't move forward if I don't give it a chance to move through me. Holding it back is only going to hurt more."
Nadine drew a deep breath. "I tried to run from it because I didn't want to change. My identity didn't feel secure because I could lose someone I love or come out of remission at any time, but I can utilize these shifts to do good. I'm going to make our society accessible for everyone. People aren't going to have to have this identity crisis, because even if they are disabled, they aren't going to feel like they're different in our society. And when people lose someone they love, they're going to have the tools available to make these big shifts, and know their community will take care of them."
Grief Nadine looked proud of her. "In grief, there is love, and I know you and I will do great things together."
I turned to my grief. "I guess you and I have become well-acquainted these past few years."
He chuckled lightly. "Indeed, we have. I know you want me to tell you the pain is going to go away someday, but you and I both know this is always going to hurt. It may not hurt as much, but you're going to have to deal with it the rest of your life. But just because it hurts doesn't mean it's bad. Stand by Nadine, and work together to amplify your love and do good in the world."
"We will," I promised.
They handed back our baby boy, and immense relief washed over me as they faded. Something about letting our grief hold Dean's spirit healed a wound deep inside me, and I could tell Nadine felt the same way. She breathed a huge sigh of relief and leaned her head against my shoulder. It was so beautiful and peaceful.
"It's interesting," I stated. "It was your job to bring him into this world, and it's my job to let him go."
Nadine curled close to me, until Dean was wrapped in an embrace between our bodies. "Goodbye, sweetheart," Nadine whispered. "I didn"t want to let you go before, because I thought I could protect you, but I see now that you"re safe and all right. I can let go now… until we meet again."
I cuddled Dean close. "You have nothing to worry about, baby boy. Someone's coming to get you now, and they're going to take good care of you. We love you, now and forever."
Magic tingled through my spirit as a portal formed beside us. The glorious white glow of Alora filled the room. All the tears I'd been choking back before were gone now, because all I felt was pure happiness. Our baby boy was going someplace where no one could ever hurt him, and that was something to celebrate.
A shadow appeared in the center of the light. I wasn't scared, because I recognized that silhouette all too well.
"Grammy!?" Nadine cried. She sagged against me, nearly collapsing under the shock of seeing her grandmother again.
Helena stood at the edge of the portal, smiling happily. "It's wonderful to see you again, my dear."
"I missed you so much," Nadine sobbed.
"I know you"ve blamed yourself for my death, but I went willingly," Helena told her gently. "I would"ve given myself up for you a million times over, because you are my granddaughter, and I love you. I have no regrets about how I left, only that I had to leave you. Alora is a place of peace, without suffering, and your grandfather and I are finally together again. We are happy here. There is nothing to forgive, and I"ll wait for you in Mother Miriam"s realm of love, so we can be together again."
A tear streaked my cheek. "It's so good to see you, Helena. We never got a chance to say goodbye that night."
"I know you wanted to help me cross over," she said sadly. "But I didn't want to make things harder on you, Lucas. I didn't realize the toll it would take on you. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course," I told her.
"I watched over you both," Helena said. "I can't come back physically, but all you need to do is connect with me in spirit, and I'll be here as I am now."
The way she said it was strange, like she wasn't quite sure what had brought her back.
"Helena… do you know why you're here?" I asked.
"Because you summoned me," she said simply.
"Yes, but under normal circumstances, we shouldn't be able to see you," I told her. "You're here to take Dean home to Alora."
Helena took a step back into the light, seemingly confused. "No, that can't be. He still has work here. Dean's spirit is supposed to be on Earth at this moment in time."
Nadine and I exchanged a glance.
"I don't get it," I said. "I thought this all happened for a reason. If Dean is supposed to be here, how can he be dead?"
"Perhaps your assumptions are not as they seem," Helena said mysteriously.
I didn't like the way she spoke without giving clear answers. He wasn't coming back, if that's what she meant. "Dean is gone. I buried him myself."
"We can't keep him with us in spirit form," Nadine insisted. "He'll be lost."
"His time here is over," I added. "He needs to move on to the next life. You'll take him, won't you?"
"Of course I will," Helena said. "If what you said is true, he must cross over."
Hesitantly, I stepped forward. I knew Dean had to go with Helena, and we were running out of time on the astral plane, but it killed me to let him go. My spirit shuddered as I placed Dean into Helena's arms.
"Even if this is not the way things were meant to be, your loved ones can come back in many ways," Helena reminded us. "We'll be here for you whenever you need us."
Nadine stepped up to the portal, so that she was face-to-face with Helena. "Before you go, I want to tell you I've missed you. I may never be able to make sense of why you were taken from us so soon, but I know you were here for me for the time we did have together, and I know you're here for me now. I'll take so much of you with me—not just in memory, but in who I am. So much of your love and your lessons shaped me, and your impact will always live on. I love you so much, Grammy, and I just want to finally tell you… goodbye."
Tears beaded in Helena's eyes. "Know that my impact is not the only thing that will live on. Having you as my granddaughter was one of the greatest blessings of my life, and you impacted me as well. Keep giving your love, Nadine, because I know you have so much of it to share."
"We'll miss you, Grammy," I told her.
"Grammy?" she questioned. "Lucas, you always call me Helena."
I realized then what I'd said. It felt so natural that I hadn't even realized it. "You are my grandmother. We may have only been family for one day on Earth, but you were always family to me. You taught me what family is because I didn't have that. I had people who gave birth to me, but I didn't have a family until I met you. Now thanks to you, Nadine and I have a chance to start a family of our own. Even though we don't get to share our time on Earth with Dean, he will always be a part of our family, as will you. We know he's in good hands."
Grammy smiled. "I love you both. Keep in touch, all right?"
I wrapped my arm around Nadine's waist and pulled her close. "We'll be in touch so often you'll get sick of us."
"That's impossible," Helena said with a smile. "After all, grief and death are ephemeral, but love lasts forever."
"Ephemeral?" Nadine asked.
"It's a word for something that lasts for only a short time," Grammy said kindly. "Your grief will be a part of you forever, but the hardest parts will ease, and the pain will fall off of you entirely when it is time for you to come home."
Then she lifted Dean's tiny hand and waved to us. "Goodbye, my loves. Perhaps it will seem like some time until we are reunited, but to Dean and me, it will not be long at all. Farewell."
"Goodbye," we said in unison.
The portal faded, and Helena and Dean were gone. Even so, I could still swear I felt them here with us, though we couldn't see them.
Helena was right. They weren't going anywhere.
The sound of rustling sheets met my ears, and I realized our bodies were stirring. We were waking up. The room around me began to fade.
My eyes opened moments later. I was back in my body, feeling well rested. Nadine rolled over to snuggle against my shoulder. I melted into her, feeling so at peace.
After several long beats, she spoke in a quiet voice. "I still don't get it. The boys were born under a lunar eclipse, at the exact time they needed to become demigods, as predicted. But Grammy made it seem like Dean's death wasn't supposed to happen. So what was it—destiny, or not?"
"Maybe we're thinking too black and white," I suggested. "There are multiple paths to a single outcome. Maybe Dean wasn't destined to die, and it's just something that happened that no one could've controlled. Maybe we don't need to make sense of it to know things are going to be okay. I know it's harder when we don't have answers. But maybe we can be content knowing not everything has a cosmic reason behind it."
"I think we can," Nadine agreed.
A knock came at the door.
"Come in," I called.
Talia opened the door. "Uh, Nadine… Are you able to get out of bed?"
I sat up straighter. Something in her tone worried me.
"Yeah, I can," Nadine said. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Talia insisted. "It's Isa… you're going to want to come see this."
Nadine could get out of bed, but it was obvious she was still very sore. I helped her up and stayed close as we followed Talia down the hall. She led us downstairs and into the den, where Grant, Chloe, and Onyx were on their knees in the corner. It looked like they were trying to coax Isa out from behind the couch. Their cats surrounded them, and I worried something was wrong.
"Aw, look at the little paws!" Onyx sang in a high-pitched voice.
They all turned to look at us when we entered the room. "Shh…" Chloe whispered, gesturing us forward. "You don't want to spook them."
Nadine looked as confused as I was when we both approached the corner. The others moved out of the way, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw what was hidden back there.
Isa and Oliver lay snuggled up on a blanket, licking a tiny wiggling creature between them. Its eyes were closed, but it lifted its head and let out the tiniest high-pitched meow. The kitten couldn't be more than a few minutes old, because it was still covered in goop. I could just barely make out its tortie color pattern—mostly black, mottled with brown splotches.
Nadine gasped. "So this is where you were all night."
"I guess now we know where these two have been running off to for the last few months," I chuckled.
"Yeah, they've been getting it on," Grant joked.
Nadine adjusted a corner of the blanket to get the cats more comfortable. "There's only one kitten. Isa looks perfectly comfortable, though. Where's the rest of the litter?"
"Maybe she only had one," I suggested. "That might be why no one realized she was pregnant."
"Can I see?" Talia squeezed in beside us, then pulled out the Seer Wand. She reached out to pet Isa's head, and the end of the Wand glowed. "Lucas is right. There's just the one."
Talia tickled the top of the kitten's head as her voice rose several pitches. "And he's sooo precious?—"
She stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh, my Goddess."
"What is it?" Nadine demanded. "What's wrong?"
Talia's jaw hung open for several seconds, before she composed herself. "Everything is just right. You guys, I can feel him. I… I can feel Dean!"
"Dean… reincarnated?" I could hardly find the words; I was so stunned. I didn't know why I didn't consider the possibility before. Our loved ones reincarnated into cats all the time, but when we lost Dean, it seemed like he'd be gone forever. I never pictured him coming back to us like this.
Nadine grabbed my arm. "Grammy was right! She said Dean was meant to be here, and he is!"
Talia drew back. "He has a great destiny. I don't know all the details, but I can feel it. Whatever Marcus is meant to face when he grows up, Dean is meant to be right there alongside him."
A beat passed as we all stared down at the kitten, admiring him. Then Oliver lunged forward, grabbed the kitten by the back of his neck with his teeth, and took off running.
"Oliver!" I screamed.
We all went running after him. Oliver scurried up the stairs and raced down the hall. I followed him into our bedroom. He hopped up on the bed, then on the top of Marcus's incubator. Gently, he placed the kitten on the plastic top. Marcus moved ever so slightly.
"Wait," I told everyone. "I think Oliver is trying to tell us something."
Nadine slowly approached the incubator. The kitten lifted its head and let out a tiny mew. "I think he's trying to tell us they belong together. This is Marcus's cat."
I turned to Onyx. "Can we put the kitten inside with him?"
"I think it should be safe," she said.
Carefully, I lifted the kitten and opened the incubator. I placed the kitten next to Marcus, and the most beautiful thing happened. The kitten wiggled his way into the crook of Marcus's elbow, and Marcus's tiny arm curled around the kitten in an embrace.
Nadine sniffled. "Marcus and Dean are together again, like they were meant to be."
"Rishi," Talia corrected her. "I felt it when I touched him. His name in this life is Rishi."
My heart melted as I stared down at the babies. "Rishi," I repeated. "Welcome to the family, little kitten."
I went to stroke Rishi's head, and something hit me. "It's interesting that even though Dean died, he came back to be here, as if fate is correcting itself. I always figured each incarnation was separate from the next, but maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. I thought life and death were these two separate things… that death is final. It's why I've always been afraid of it, because I'm scared of all of this coming to an end, of not living my life to the fullest. But death doesn't have to be an ending or a permanent thing. It's not separate from life, but all part of the same journey. It's just a transformation from one chapter of the journey to the next. That's why I can harness Death magic through transformation, because they're one and the same. I thought as a reaper, I was guiding souls to their final destination, but really, I'm just helping them along their path. Life continues after death, because it's all one."
I placed my finger in Marcus's hand. "I see now it's not my job to save you. It's my job to be here for you and guide you, because this is hard and we're a community, and the community helps each other. I'm going to be there for you while your soul is growing and evolving. That, I can promise you both."
A darkness swelled over the room, blocking out the morning light. I whirled around to see a cloaked figure stepping toward me. He wasn't alone. Over a dozen other ethereal figures wearing identical black cloaks stood behind him.
"Lucas, what is it?" Nadine asked.
The cloaked figure lifted his head, and I peered into the empty eye sockets of a skeleton man. The others couldn't see them.
"It's Edgar," I told her breathlessly. "And the entire Reaper Order."
Chloe nudged me. "Well, go on. Talk to them."
I took a hesitant step toward Edgar. "I thought I wasn't going to see you again until I passed the Warlock's Trial."
"That is correct," Edgar said calmly.
"You mean… I'm ready? But I didn't do anything." I was so confused about what might've prompted this meeting.
"You didn't have to do anything," Edgar said. "You merely had to become the reaper you were meant to be. As I said before, power over death is more than a magical feat."
I realized now what he meant. "It's a mindset… a comfort of letting go of your fear. That's what really gives you power, isn't it?"
"Yes," Edgar confirmed. "Death is a transformation, and every reaper understands that. You weren't ready to join us until you realized that death isn't a permanent state, just one more stop on the path of a soul's journey. Now that you understand your role as a reaper, you are ready to join the Reaper Order."
Edgar held a dark cloak out to me, and I took it. I almost expected my hands to go straight through it, but there was powerful magic at work here. My fingers curled around soft fabric, and a wave of pride washed through me.
"Thank you," I told him.
"There's one more thing," Edgar added, reaching into his cloak. He lifted a wand painted white and carved with a rib cage at the end. "I believe you'll be needing this."
A euphoric feeling filled me from head to toe. After all this time, we were finally in possession of the Mortana Wand.
I grasped it firmly. The end of the Wand glowed, and a chord in a minor key rang throughout the room. Dark purple magic swirled up my arm, then settled into my skin, so deeply I felt it latch on to my spirit.
I heard the others gasp in unison. They couldn't see the reapers, but it was clear as day that they saw the Wand materialize in my hand.
"When will we see each other again?" I asked Edgar. "Perhaps Mother Miriam will assign you to guide me into the next life."
Edgar tilted his head. "Mother Miriam does not make reaper assignments. It is our choice which souls to reap. We choose our own assignments, Lucas."
"So… all those souls I've helped cross over… I wasn't given some magical order to help them," I realized. "I chose to help all on my own."
Edgar nodded. "Yes. It is a reason Mother Miriam chose you as a reaper. You have always wanted to help others, and you will continue to do so. Now go. Live your life. When one of us comes for you, it will be a welcome meeting."
Warmth filled my chest, and I truly felt like I understood then what it meant to be a reaper. The reapers disappeared, and I turned to the others.
"We have four Wands!" Chloe exclaimed. "We should move in on the priestesses as soon as we can. We have the power to take all their magic, so we can beat them."
"We can't," I insisted. "We aren't ready. Marcus is just a newborn, and Nadine needs time to recover. It's going to take at least six weeks until they're back to full strength, and they need to be healthy enough to be moved if something goes wrong. If something happens and we're forced to flee, we won't have time to bring Marcus's medical supplies with. He needs to be able to survive off of support. We'll be safe here for now, because if the priestesses want to come for us again, we'll be ready for them."
"My grandmother isn't going to wait around," Chloe argued. "We've almost been discovered multiple times. Six weeks is too long to wait."
"I want to go after the priestesses as much as anyone, but I agree with Lucas that we need more time," Grant said. "You said it yourself at Yule, Chloe. We can't go in guns blazing. We don't have enough intel to destabilize the cult, and that needs to be done before we face the priestesses. Otherwise, their supporters are going to rise up. We can't just walk in and kill them. If we do, others will take their place, and nothing will really get done, because we'll just have to kill even more people. We aren't the bad guys. We need to have the support of the coven before we move in—or at least, have enough people on our side that they're willing to think about changing their minds. If we take the priestesses out now, it's going to be a mistake, because there will be resistance from the public, and Miriam's Chosen, if we don't do this the right way."
Talia stepped forward. "I agree. Chloe and I haven't been able to get close enough to town to gain a firm understanding of the cult's mentality and learn how to destabilize them. If we're going to do this the right way, we'll have to go undercover so we can infiltrate the cult and retrieve solid intel, because what we've been doing hasn't been working."
Chloe backed down. "All right. We'll do this the right way, but we can't wait longer than a few weeks. You guys need to promise me we'll make our move, and soon."
"We'll give Nadine and Marcus six weeks to recover," I decided. "We'll move in when we're ready, but not a moment sooner."
* * *
Nadineand I spent the next two weeks snuggled up in bed, watching Marcus wiggle or reading him stories. We finally got to hold him for longer than a few minutes, and it was amazing. He was getting stronger by the day and gaining weight rapidly. With Luana's healing treatments, he was stronger than any preemie she'd treated before.
Nadine was recovering quickly from labor, though Luana was still monitoring her closely. Onyx said they wanted to keep an eye on her up until at least six weeks after delivery, but her blood pressure had come down, and she was doing much better. Luana was finally able to work her healing magic on her, which Nadine said helped immensely.
Isa had recovered as well, and she spent most of her time in our room, usually nursing Rishi. The kitten was already growing so fast and had so much fur. He'd gotten so big because he was a glutton who had no siblings to compete with. Rishi often made gagging sounds while nursing, because he drank so fast. When he wasn't nursing, he was whining for more food. He was clumsy and always falling off of things, and he had a stupidly cute little face. Rishi always wore a bug-eyed expression, and his tongue was always sticking out. He was the most adorable kitten.
Slowly, Marcus was taken off his tubes and monitors, and he was transferred from the incubator to a heated cot.
After two weeks, we were able to take him out of the room. I sat in the living room, snuggling Marcus in my arms the first night he was able to leave his cot for more than a few minutes. We were celebrating his progress and all getting together for a big dinner. Nadine was in the kitchen with the girls, laughing while they cooked and snacked on appetizers. The guys were outside doing nightly patrol on the ward borders. I just sat there taking in the joyous sounds of the friendly banter filling the house.
"You're surrounded by good people," I told Marcus.
He wiggled a little, snuggling deeper into my arms. Each time he did that, my heart melted a little more.
"How's he doing?" Verla asked brightly as she came into the living room.
"Great," I told her. "He's made so much progress."
Verla sat across from me on the couch. "I can see that."
"Can you believe how small he is?" I sat up straighter to show him off.
She smiled softly. "No, I can't. He's so precious."
"Do you want to hold him?" I asked.
Verla looked touched. "Do you even have to ask? Come here, baby."
I chuckled as I gently placed Marcus into her arms. It was strange handing him over, because no matter how much I trusted the people close to me, I never wanted to let him go. It terrified me that someone was going to drop him or something. As a new dad, I was a bit overly cautious.
"Aren't you the sweetest thing on the planet?" Verla cooed at him. She stroked his cheek with her finger, and the room went silent.
We sat there for several beats, just staring down at Marcus, until Verla broke the silence. "Do you ever think about bringing him back?"
I reeled back a little, stunned. "What?"
"Dean," Verla clarified. "Do you ever wonder… what would happen if you could?"
I shot a glance across the room. Isa lounged in front of the fireplace, and Rishi kneaded her belly while he nursed. Dean was here with us in spirit, but he could never come back as the child he once was.
"I never gave it much thought, because it's impossible," I admitted.
Verla cocked an eyebrow. "Is it, though? You have the Mortana Wand. With it, you can access all the power of the coven's Death magic—all the power on Earth and in Alora."
"And yet it wouldn't be enough," I said. "Even the gods don't mess with bringing the dead back to life."
"What is it to them?" Verla wondered. "Life goes on after we die, yes. I'm sure it makes no difference to the gods. But to us, having our loved ones here, it's everything."
I realized why Verla was asking. She had lost a child of her own and was wondering if it was possible to bring her son back to her.
I choked up a little and cleared my throat before I spoke. "If I had a choice between Dean living and dying, I'd choose his life, every single time. But we can't go back and undo what's already done. Even Death magic isn't enough to bring the dead back to life."
"You brought Nadine back," Verla reminded me softly.
"Because she hadn't crossed over yet," I said. "The circumstances were perfect. If we brought Dean back now—or any spirit after they crossed over—we don't know what kind of consequences that could bring. It could damage his soul, which puts both him and Marcus at risk."
"Souls are far more complicated and nuanced than we understand. They can fracture and exist in multiple places at once. Marcus and Dean shared a soul, and now, a piece of that soul is within Rishi, which means Marcus and Rishi are parts of one soul, existing on Earth together. Why couldn't a third piece of that soul exist here as well?" Verla asked.
I opened my mouth to respond, but I realized then that her question was rhetorical. I understood now why she was bringing this up. She knew it couldn't work, but she wanted to make sure I understood it, too. I couldn't believe I thought she would ask me to do something like bring her son back. She knew better than I that it wasn't possible.
"You don't have to worry about how far I'll take things," I told her. "I know Death magic is dangerous, and to take it this far could be catastrophic. I won't risk it. Not with my son's soul."
Verla kept her eyes on me, but she didn't get a chance to respond before the front door opened. Professor Warren stepped inside, and I could instantly feel like something wasn't right.
I shot to my feet. "Where are Grant and Miles?"
Warren lifted his hand, as if to tell me to calm down. "They've got the perimeter secure, but you're going to want to come with me. There's someone here who wants to talk to you."
My mind immediately started racing through the possibilities, but anyone I could think of shouldn't have a clue where to find us. "Who?"
"Autumn," Professor Warren said.
Of course. My reaper master was the only person who knew we were here.
"Well, send her away," I bit. I didn't want to talk to her, not after how our last meeting ended.
"She's quite insistent," Warren pressed. "She knows where we are. She'll keep coming back."
I scoffed. "I'd like to see her try to get through our wards."
Warren sighed. "She wants to make things right with you. You might want to hear what she has to say."
"You should go," Nadine said from behind me.
I turned around, and it was the first time I realized that the laughter coming from the kitchen had died. Everyone had gathered to see what was going on.
"Autumn spent years protecting you," Nadine said. "She made some bad choices along the way, but there's a part of her that cares. You should hear her out."
"What am I supposed to say, Nad?" I asked hopelessly. "You came back, so you're forgiven?"
"You don't have to say anything," Nadine suggested. "If she's come to apologize, then just listen. Extend an olive branch and invite her in for dinner. We owe her one. She kept an eye on us even after we blew her off last December. She was here the night the twins were born, and she killed the Executors so they couldn't get to our babies. It's the least we can do after she killed those Executors to protect us."
I breathed a heavy sigh, but I was only doing this because Nadine wanted me to. "All right. I'll give it a shot."
Chloe conjured the Mentalist Wand. "I'm coming with you."
"So am I," Talia said as the Seer Wand appeared in her hand. "If Autumn has any ill intentions, she's not getting past four Oaken Wands."
We followed Warren outside, and he led us to the edge of our border. Grant and Miles stood there, their wands pointed at Autumn. She stood only feet away from them on the other side of the ward boundary. She wore a dark cloak and held her hands up in surrender.
"What do you want?" I asked, a bit too harshly.
Slowly, Autumn lowered her hands. "I came to make amends."
"Why come after all this time?" I demanded. "It's been months since we last spoke. You showed up the night our children were born, but you didn't bother to stay long enough to accept a simple thank you."
Autumn's features paled. "I did not know your children had been delivered. It's true I saw the Executors coming and killed them before they could get to you, but I assumed it was another group of scouts like the others."
"You could've stayed and let us explain," I growled. "Instead, you come only when it's convenient for you to tear Executors to shreds. Is there a group closing in on the safe house now? Is that why you're here?"
"No!" Autumn insisted. "I've not come to hurt anyone. Those months since we met that I spent in silence, I was trying to convince myself to come see you."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "What stopped you?"
"I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me," she admitted.
"Then you were right," I stated coldly.
"Please, Lucas," Autumn begged. "I'm here because I want to apologize. I never meant to cause you any harm. I should have come to you years ago. I should've told you the truth. I can't change what I did, but maybe I can do better in the future."
I took a long stride forward, until Autumn and I were face to face, with nothing but an invisible magical ward between us. "You left me alone. All the times you claim to have been there for me were only when it was convenient for you. If there was ever a risk of you being exposed, you never showed up for me. Your one job was to hand down the Reaper Records, and you did that. Now you show up after all this time wanting to make amends? It's too little too late. I didn't need you then, and I don't need you now."
I whirled around to head back up to the house, but Autumn shouted after me. "The Reaper Order failed me, too!"
I stopped in my tracks and slowly turned back around. I was aware the others' eyes were on me, but all I could focus on was Autumn. "The Order didn't fail me, so don't act like we have that in common. I passed the Warlock's Trial."
"You did?" Autumn appeared stunned.
I eyed her skeptically. "It's strange, you know. You don't speak to me for months, but just weeks after I join the Reaper Order and obtain the Mortana Wand, you want to come crawling back? Why are you really here?"
Autumn's brow furrowed. "You're not suggesting I came looking for the Mortana Wand. What use would I have of it? I didn't know you'd passed the trial, Lucas."
There were very few people I trusted in this world, and Autumn was certainly not one of them. I turned toward Chloe and Talia. "Read her mind. See if she's telling the truth."
The girls lifted their Wands in unison, and Autumn didn't even flinch. "Do what you must," she said. "I am telling the truth."
The ends of the girls' Wands glowed, and they spoke an incantation. They appeared in a trance-like state for only a moment before Talia opened her eyes and said, "Autumn is being honest with you. She didn't know about the Mortana Wand. She came to apologize."
"I came to tell you I was wrong," Autumn said softly. "My master may have found clarity in death, but when he was here, he left me to fend for myself. I had to find strength in myself, and there are times I find that I'm still searching. For so long, I blamed him for that, and I used my pain to convince myself that what I was doing to help you, or not help you, was justified. I thought that if I had to figure things out on my own, then you could, too. Now I see that the system failed us all. It was not Edgar's fault, but my choice alone to withdraw. I could have put an end to this cycle, and I chose to not only allow it to continue, but to participate in its process."
She sighed. "I came to say I'm sorry. I understand that you have moved on and there is nothing more I can teach you, but if there's one last thing I can do for you, I'd like to heal this wound I've caused."
The pain in her eyes was all too familiar. She may be older than me in years, but there was a part of her that was still a hurt child, the one who had been left behind. She was not the reaper master I thought was meant to teach me. She was still a Reaper's Apprentice, even though I—her successor—had become a master. Our roles had been reversed, which meant that perhaps I had something to teach her now.
I realized then that she hadn't come to ask for my forgiveness, but for my compassion.
"It means a lot to hear your apology," I said. "I owe you one as well. I could have reacted with more kindness when we met. There are clearly many layers to this story, and perhaps I haven't given you the space to tell it fully. I hope you can forgive me."
"You don't have to ask my forgiveness, because there is nothing to forgive you for," Autumn said kindly. "Your reaction was well warranted."
"Maybe we can start by mending things over dinner," I suggested.
Autumn smiled. "I'd like that very much."
I reached out my hand, and Autumn took it. With my invitation, she stepped through the ward. Miles and Grant pocketed their wands, as did Chloe and Talia. Professor Warren shot me an encouraging smile. It was clear he thought I was doing the right thing.
When we entered the house, Marcus was crying. Nadine sang him a song as she rocked him, but she quieted when she heard the door. Her eyes locked with Autumn's, and she nodded kindly. "Welcome to our home."
"Thank you all for inviting me in," Autumn replied.
"Dinner's almost ready." Nadine gestured toward the dining room. "Please, have a seat."
Marcus continued bawling, and Nadine's attempts to calm him weren't working.
"He probably has a dirty diaper. I can go change it," Mandy offered as we started gathering around the table.
"It's no trouble, really," Nadine insisted.
Mandy sighed. "You don't have to do this alone, Nadine. We're all here to help. You brought me in at my lowest point and showed me so much kindness. I've felt nothing but useless these last few months. You need to be here for Lucas tonight. Let me help with Marcus."
Nadine gently placed Marcus in Mandy's outstretched arms. "Thank you for the help."
We all gathered around the table, while Mandy went upstairs to change Marcus. I sat at the head of the table, with Nadine on one side of me and Autumn on the other. We started passing the food around and filling up our plates.
"Lucas, can I ask you something?" Autumn asked.
"Sure," I told her.
She passed me a basket of dinner rolls. "What was the Warlock's Trial exactly? How did you pass?"
I swallowed my bite of food before answering. "It's not a trial in the sense of a ceremony or some big display of magic. It's about learning what death means and the role you play in it as a reaper. I had to figure out that death wasn't just an end to create new beginnings, but part of the journey."
"That's quite insightful of you," Autumn remarked before taking a few bites of food.
I kept my eye on her. I could sense the wounded child I'd seen earlier, but she had wisdom in her eyes, too. It was like she'd figured that one out long ago.
"What do you think is holding you back?" I wondered as I scooped up a green bean.
Autumn pressed her lips together. "Honestly? I don't think the Reaper Order wants me."
"They do," I said automatically. "I'm part of the Reaper Order, and I want you there. I understand you feel discarded by what happened in this life, but if we keep learning and growing after we die, the Reaper Order must know the mistake they made. They may not be able to intervene now, but I think things will be different once we get to the other side."
Autumn's gaze dropped to her pate. "You really think they'd want me, after all I've done? I left the coven."
"And you can come back," I pressed. "That's the thing about the Warlock's Trial. I don't think it was ever meant for the Reaper Order to judge us. I think the reapers show up when we've decided we're ready. Don't forget that you're a reaper, Autumn. It is your birthright. To be accepted into the Reaper Order is to accept yourself and your power."
Autumn looked up at me, and a kind smile spread across her face. "Thank you, Lucas. I really needed to hear that."
Nadine set her fork aside. "Marcus is really quiet. Mandy must've gotten him back down for a nap. I'll go let her know she can leave him in his cot and come get something to eat."
Nadine left the table, and the room went silent. A full minute must've passed where no one said anything.
Finally, Verla wiped her mouth with her napkin. "So, Autumn, tell us a bit about yourself."
"I was born in Octavia Falls and lived there through my early twenties," Autumn explained. "You may have heard of my mother, Nina Loren."
"Nina's a lovely woman," Verla said. "We worked together at the college."
"She's a very good professor, but an even better mother," Autumn praised. "She raised me well, and I thought I would become a leader like her. Then I received the powers of a reaper in my Evoking Ceremony, and nothing was ever the same since. I was called a liar, and told I was seeking attention, as no one believed a female could possess the powers of a reaper. I left shortly after graduating from Miriam College of Witchcraft. I became a travel photographer and went all over the world. I'd have gone anywhere as long as I didn't have to live in Octavia Falls. It was on my journey that I met my wife while I was photographing national monuments in Arizona."
Her features brightened as she began talking about her wife. "Summer was a light in my life when I was going through the darkest of times. She was a skilled hypnotist; I'd never seen power like hers in any woman before. I didn't know my place in the world, but she showed me that my place could be anywhere, as long as it was with her. I never had to lie to her about what I was, because she always believed in my power. We traveled together for decades, even though she battled many health issues. Her health took a turn for the worst several years ago. She had always wanted to see where I grew up, so I brought her here. She died of a stroke before we could leave. I lost the will to travel after that, because I didn't wish to be separated from my wife. I now live in my father's old hunting cabin, and my mother and I still speak on occasion. She is the only one who knows where I went when I left…"
Autumn trailed off as Nadine came downstairs, looking worried.
"Where's Mandy?" Nadine asked in a shaky tone.
The look in her eyes worried me, and I immediately sat up straighter. "Isn't she in our room, putting Marcus down for a nap?"
"I just checked there," Nadine said. "And all the other rooms upstairs. I thought she must've come back down."
I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shot to my feet. "She didn't come downstairs. Nadine, what are you saying?"
Panic entered Nadine's tone. "I'm saying I don't know where Marcus is!"
Verla was at her side in an instant. "I'm sure they're here somewhere. It's a big house."
"Mandy!?" Nadine called, but no answer came.
I must've taken the stairs two at a time. My heart was beating so fast I hardly processed the next few minutes. Chairs squeaked against the floor as the others quickly stood and spread across the house to go looking for them. I thought Nadine followed me to the second level, but I was passing each room so quickly I wasn't sure.
"Mandy! Mandy!" Our voices overlapped, echoing throughout the house. I checked every room upstairs and heard doors open all the way down to the basement. We checked everywhere, then double-checked again. Every room I checked was as empty as the last.
From downstairs, Rishi began to cry. Each high-pitched mew was like a piercing dagger through my heart. Rishi was calling out for Marcus, too, but there was no answer that could calm the torment.
I stopped in the doorway to our bedroom, where Nadine had slumped to the bed. Her hands trembled as she lifted Marcus's baby blanket to her nose. Verla sat beside her, but no amount of comforting words were enough.
Tears broke from Nadine's eyes, and she began to wail. Footsteps sounded on the stairs as the others ran to check on her. A huge group formed in the hall.
"Where are they?" I demanded. "Did you find them?"
I was met only with silence. Then Professor Warren shook his head and said, "They aren't here, and there's no sign of a struggle."
The whole house seemed to flip on end. I had to brace myself against the doorway as the reality hit me.
Marcus was gone. Mandy had kidnapped our son.