Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

I am well and truly awake.

With a scowl, Prudence lay as still as she could, her eyes still closed but no sense of tiredness came to her. Instead, only wakefulness pursued, demanding that she rise and greet the day even though, to her mind, it was much too early.

This is foolishness, she told herself, firmly, keeping her eyes closed. I cannot ask Lord Childers to marry me instead of Lord Kingshill. That could make these difficult circumstances all the more intolerable.

After all that she and Miss Rockwell had discussed, Prudence had not been able to give herself even a single moment of rest. The thought of speaking to Lord Childers and asking if he might be the gentleman that she could wed, instead of Lord Kingswell, was both terrifying and wonderful at the same time. There was a great fear there, of course, a fear that Lord Childers would laugh at her and refuse her request, should she even have the courage to ask him such a thing but, at the same time, there was a great hope which continued to build within her heart. A hope that she would find a happiness which, thus far, had evaded her entirely, should she have the boldness to ask him such a thing.

But if I ask him and he refuses, then I shall be left with nothing but a broken heart and a deep, relentless pain that will never leave me. Is it worth asking him such a thing, knowing what might wait for me in his answer?

Sighing to herself, Prudence rose from her bed and dressed quickly, knowing that it was far too early for the maids to appear. The questions continued to buzz around her mind and though she tried to swat them away, they simply would not leave. There was an affection in her heart for Lord Childers, she knew, though she very much wished that it would take its leave of her! It did not do as she asked, nor as she hoped, however, but instead, continued to grow and press out into the very furthermost reaches of her heart. Was what Miss Rockwell said right? Was there a genuine interest in Lord Childers heart for her? Or was he simply doing as he felt he ought to do, given that he had made the arrangement for the match so far?

With another heartfelt sigh, Prudence splashed some water on her face and, after a few moments, went to the door. She stepped out carefully into the hallway, praying that no one would see her. Soon, the maid would come, and she would have to give an explanation – but she could simply say she had been in the gardens rather than out walking alone. On tiptoes, Prudence made her way out of doors, breathing in the crisp morning air and quickly making her way to the park.

It was a beautiful day, she considered, ambling along the path with her head tilted a little bit upwards so that she might be able to see the sky. The sun had already risen, and though the air was a little chilled, it was not cold enough for her to shiver. She let herself smile softly, though that smile did not last long. Her thoughts returned to Lord Childers and all that Miss Rockwell had suggested and, as she thought of him, her heart leaped with a sudden fierceness that caught her breath and stole it away for a moment.

To be thinking of him in such a way was, to her mind, still nothing but foolishness and yet, all the same, the thoughts and the emotions within her lingered. That was what she wanted, if she was honest with herself. She wanted to be close to him, wanted to pull herself towards him, rather than toward Lord Kingshill. The idea of betrothing herself to Lord Kingshill when her heart was betraying her seemed wrong, somehow, as though she would be disloyal to herself by doing such a thing.

So will I speak to him, then? Her eyes closed for a moment as she gave a quick, sharp shake of her head, opening them again only to see a gentleman only a step away, his own head lowered. With an exclamation of surprise, she jerked out of his path, her heart pounding suddenly.

"Forgive me!" the gentleman exclaimed, turning to look at her.

His eyes widened, just as her own breath caught again, one hand flying to her heart as she looked into Lord Childers' face. What was he doing out walking in the park at such an early hour? Did not gentlemen such as he remain abed until at least noon, recovering from whatever it was that they had engaged in the night before?

Lord Childers blinked in obvious surprise.

"Lady Prudence! Whatever are you doing here?"

"I was simply walking," she answered, a sudden fear clutching at her heart. After all, she was out here alone and a young lady such as herself ought to have a chaperone. She knew Lord Childers' reputation, of course, and still did not fear that he would do anything improper, but all the same, she feared that he might tell someone else that he had seen her here alone, in the early hours of the morning, and her reputation would be severely damaged thereafter. "Pray, do not tell anyone that you have seen me, for I ought to have a chaperone but… " She closed her eyes for a moment. "I needed a few minutes alone."

"I understand, and I would never say a word, I assure you." Prudence looked back at him, a little surprised, though she said nothing. "We find ourselves in the very same situation, I think."

Immediately, questions began to rise in her mind, though Prudence only tipped her head just a little, wondering if he would respond badly to her questioning him on what such a thing might be.

"Oh?"

After a moment, Lord Childers nodded, his mouth tugging lightly to one side for just a moment.

"I am walking in the hope of clearing the many thoughts which are presently running through my mind." His eyes searched hers. "Might I surmise that this is your trouble also?"

Dare I speak of what it is that I have been thinking of? Lacking the courage for more, Prudence managed a brief smile, but only one word.

"Yes."

"I see."

She looked at him, seeing the way that his eyebrows furrowed, sending lines across his forehead. Dare she ask him about what was on his mind? Mayhap if he was willing to share such things with her, she might then find the courage to respond with the same honesty. Taking a deep breath, she spread out her hands.

"Might I ask what it is that you are thinking about? What it is that torments you so?"

Instantly, Lord Childers turned his head away, his jaw tight as he gazed across the park. Prudence wanted to apologize, to tell him that she ought not to have been questioning him so, and that he did not really need to answer, only for him to sigh and then begin to speak.

"Ah, Lady Prudence," he responded quietly, a softness in his voice which spoke of pain. "My thoughts, my tormenting, difficult, struggling thoughts, are centered on one thing and one thing alone." Wondering at this, Prudence held his gaze as he looked back at her, her own heart beating a little more quickly such was the anticipation within her heart. What would send a rogue out to the park in the early hours of the morning? Why would he be out here walking alone? Lord Childers licked his lips and then put out one hand in her direction. "My dear Lady Prudence, they are focused entirely upon you."

The words ran into her mind and then went straight to her heart, her own emotions flaring hot. She swallowed tightly, wondering at them, only to then douse her fiery hopes. This was, no doubt, just another part of his determination to make certain that her betrothal to Lord Kingshill went as well as it could. He had arranged the match and now felt responsible. That was all.

"You are very kind," she said, not quite certain what else to say. "I am sure that all will go well once Lord Kingshill makes the announcement about our courtship."

"Which has not yet happened."

Prudence's breath clattered in her chest as Lord Childers took a step closer to her, his eyes suddenly vivid, deep, and intense all at the same time as he gazed down into her face.

"Our courtship?" she managed to say, her voice squeaking out of her. "No, not as yet."

"And thus, there can be no betrothal, not yet anyway." She shook her head, looking back into his eyes but saying nothing. The gentle breeze drifted around her, reminding her gently of where she was, and that she had no chaperone, but Prudence ignored the reminder easily enough. Her stomach twisted this way and that as silence grew between them though Lord Childers did not once even glance away from her. It was as though he were determined to either unnerve her or have her open her mouth to confess the truth to him about her own heart. She blinked, swallowed, and then let out a slow breath and, at this, Lord Childers immediately dropped his head and ran one hand over his eyes. "Forgive me. I am being too forward and I–"

"Why are your thoughts about me?"

The moment that she said those words, Prudence's face burned with embarrassment, and she quickly looked away, stammering an apology – only for Lord Childers to take her hand. The action was startling enough to have her look back at him directly, seeing the tiniest smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"I will tell you if you wish it."

She took another breath, trying to settle the way that her whole body now seemed to be jumping and shaking and shivering all at once.

"If you are concerned about my betrothal to Lord Kingshill, though it has not come about yet, then–"

"It is not about your connection to Lord Kingshill." Lord Childers then shook his head, pressing her hand a little. "That is to say, it is about that in some ways, though it is not the primary reason for my thoughts and my confusion. The reason I say this, Lady Prudence, is because I do not want you to misunderstand."

"Then please, do share the truth with me."

Her voice was breathless, her stomach twisting hard as she fought to keep her gaze steady. There was something significant here, she could tell. Something momentous which they were both about to stumble into, should he be bold enough to tell her and should she be willing enough to hear it. She could barely take in a breath, her chest tight as her fingers gripped his a little more.

"I shall." Lord Childers frowned, then, rubbing one hand over his chin he paused, perhaps trying to find the right words to say. "Lady Prudence, the truth is that, while I am concerned about your connection to Lord Kingshill, I never once expected to have such concerns. In truth, I believed that I was doing it all to make certain that my friend could have what he desired, without putting too much difficulty in his path."

"Difficulty?"

Lord Childers' mouth flattened, and he shook his head again.

"The truth is, Lady Prudence, that Lord Kingshill has never expressed a desire to change his ways." He pressed her hand again and then dropped it, leaving her feeling suddenly cold. "What he wanted was to continue in this roguish manner, while, at the same time, having a wife and an heir produced. And I, being his friend and unwilling to lose his friendship and the camaraderie we shared, thought I would do what I could to help him."

A chill began to creep over Prudence's skin.

"You mean to say that you arranged this match, knowing that the lady Lord Kingshill married would be subjected to these great and difficult trials that no doubt come with being wed to a scoundrel?"

Dropping his head still lower, Lord Childers nodded.

"Yes, that is the truth."

She took a step back from him, her whole body shaking now, rather violently.

"I did not know – I thought that…"

"I made you believe it all," he confessed, looking up at her again. "I wanted you to be quite contented in the arrangement, for what was nothing more than a selfish reason. But as I continued in our connection, Lady Prudence, I found that the desire within my heart was no longer for my own satisfaction, nor even for my friend to be able to continue just as he is, but rather for you."

She shook her head, her throat aching as tears began to build behind her eyes.

"I cannot marry him. I cannot let myself–"

"I do not want you to." His hand found hers again, then the other so that both of her hands were clasped tightly in his. Prudence could not look at him, shaking her head and blinking furiously in the hope of keeping her tears pressed behind her eyes. "Lady Prudence, please. Give me just another moment to explain and then I shall let you go." Swallowing hard, Prudence shook her head again but did not resist him, did not pull her hands out of his and step away.

Despite the pain in her heart, despite the harsh realization which had hit her about Lord Childers' motivations in bringing her to Lord Kingshill, there was still something about being close to him, about having her hands in his which she could not bear to step away from. Not yet at least.

"Just a moment, I beg of you," he murmured, his voice a little quieter now. "The reason that I say I do not want you to marry Lord Kingshill is because I do not think that I could bear it. Though I set out to bring you and Lord Kingshill together, I quickly discovered that what I thought I wanted was precisely the opposite of my desire. The more time that I have spent in your company, the more I have learned just how wonderful a person you are, just how beautiful your character is, and how much I desire to be in your company. You have begun to capture me, Lady Prudence, and I cannot imagine the pain which would tear through me, should you then step into Lord Kingshill's arms."

The tears which had burned behind her eyes now began to flow down Prudence's cheeks and Lord Childers, his eyes flaring wide in evident horror, pulled his hand from hers to find a handkerchief. Accepting it, Prudence wiped at her cheeks carefully, struggling to know how to respond, what she ought to say, and just what this declaration now meant.

"You – you are still a rogue."

"Yes, I am." Lord Childers put his free hand to his heart. "But I swear to you, I am reforming. You may not believe me, and I understand why you would not, but when I confessed to you that I was devoted to making certain that you were happy, there was only one reason for it." His eyes softened, his expression gentling as Prudence's heart leaped, pulling back her tears. "It is because I have come to care for you."

Prudence did not know what to say, her words twisting in her chest and refusing to come to her lips. She swallowed once, twice, then handed Lord Childers back his handkerchief. He took it and, as their fingers brushed, Prudence's heart cried out with what she knew to be both hope and happiness.

"Do you mean what you said?" she asked, as Lord Childers nodded fervently. "That night, I saw you with–"

"I told Lord Kingshill that I was struggling with my heart as regarded a particular young lady," he interrupted, gently, "and his advice was to pursue another young lady entirely so that I could be free of the first."

Prudence's eyes widened in understanding, her fingers now tightening around his.

"You tried to forget about me?"

"I have tried, and I have failed," he whispered, his nearness to her now making her skin prickle with anticipation. "I want to take Lord Kingshill's place, Prudence. I do not know what you would think of that, nor what your father or mother would state but–"

"I will ask them."

She flushed hot but did not look away, her eagerness seeming to surprise him, given the way that his eyebrows lifted. Then, he smiled and, after a moment, nodded.

"That is good. Then I shall speak to Lord Kingshill."

Prudence looked up at him again, her smile beginning to lift the corners of her mouth.

"You will?"

"Of course I shall." Lord Childers laughed and lifted his shoulders in a small shrug. "I am sure that he will have no difficulty in agreeing to it all. He does not truly want to marry anyway, I am afraid!"

Wincing, Prudence shook her head.

"I am grateful to know the truth."

"I am sorry for what I said, and the part I had to play in deceiving you there," he told her, his voice holding a tenderness which she had never heard before. "I was wrong of me, and I ought never to have done it."

"It is forgotten." A sudden thought came to her, reminding her of her own past and whether or not she ought to tell him the truth about her foolishness, though she quickly dismissed the thought. It had no bearing on this present moment and, after all, he had done a good deal more than that, she was sure! "You will speak to him soon?"

"Just as soon as I am able." Lord Childers then took her hand and, lifting it, pressed it to his lips. The kiss that he placed upon it was light but sent a heat racing down her arm and into her heart, making her tremble. "I would stay and speak to you a little longer, Lady Prudence, but I think that for your reputation's sake, I should take my leave." Releasing her hand, he bowed respectfully. "I do hope to speak to you again later today."

"I hope so too." Prudence smiled, watching him take his leave of her, pressing one hand lightly against her stomach to calm herself just a little. Even in how he had taken his leave of her, she realized, he had shown himself to be a gentleman. He had not taken advantage of her, had not sought to kiss her or wrap her in his arms – even though, were she truthful, Prudence would have given in a little too easily had he tried to do such a thing! He had been respectful, considerate, and appropriate and even that was a joy to her heart.

"I should return home," Prudence told herself, turning and, rather reluctantly, making her way back toward the edge of the park.

She glanced over her shoulder as though she hoped that he had found the separation from her too great to bear and wanted instead to see her again, but there was nothing but grass and trees to catch her eye. With a small, soft smile, Prudence made her way back to the house, feeling a great deal of happiness for the first time that Season.