Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

" M y lady? My lady?"

Marianne opened her eyes with a start and stared up at Hannah, who was standing over her with a candle. The light haloed her face and gave her a ghostly appearance.

"Goodness, what is it, Hannah?"

"I'm sorry to wake you," her maid said.

Marianne sat up. She was shocked she could be awakened. She had hardly slept all night, tossing and turning as she relived both the passionate moments with Sebastian in the parlor and the horrible ones with Finn after. But she must have dozed off at some point.

"Is something wrong? Oh God, did my brother call Sebastian out for pistols?"

"No, my lady, but…but…" Her cheeks darkened. "Lord Ramsbury's carriage is being packed and his horse is being readied."

Marianne threw the covers back and got to her feet, searching for her dressing gown before she exited the room and raced downstairs.

When she reached the foyer, she found Sebastian there, talking quietly to his servants as Bentley stood by, stone faced and arms folded like some kind of ancient guard dog who occasionally remembered he had teeth. No one had seemed to notice her until she said, "Sebastian."

He froze and then turned toward her. His blue eyes met hers, filled with emotion for a brief moment before he cleared it all away. Without looking at his servants, he said, "Go ahead and do as we've discussed. I'll see you in London tomorrow evening."

His servants departed, but Bentley remained, his gaze focused on Marianne in horror, likely at her state of dress given that she was in her dressing gown with no shoes and her hair tangled around her shoulders. Of course, he'd seen worse and that memory made Marianne's cheeks grow hot.

"Please, Bentley, I need a moment alone with the earl," she said.

"My lady, I do not think that would be wise," the butler began.

"Please!" she repeated, her voice elevating.

Bentley bent his head and then hurried from the foyer, worrying his hands before him.

"He'll fetch your brother, you know," Sebastian said softly. "I know he's awake, I assume he's pacing around his study."

She bent her head. "Of course he'll fetch him, so we only have a moment before he comes. Sebastian, I'm so sorry."

" You're sorry?" he said, stepping closer.

She looked up into his eyes and all her fear and worry and heartbreak faded briefly. Strange how he could do that to her, even without trying. He always had, it seemed. Always comforted, always supported, always made her smile when she sometimes wanted to scream.

"Yes," she said. "You wanted me to leave last night?—"

"I wanted you to stay," he corrected. "I was glad you stayed."

"Even after everything?"

He cupped her cheek gently, fingers tracing her jawline with featherlight touch. "Even after everything."

"He's sending you away." She blinked at tears. "I've ruined your friendship."

He shrugged. "He's sending me away," he agreed. "And he has every right to do so after what happened. But as for our friendship…I suppose we'll see if there's a way to repair it. The fact he didn't murder me in the middle of the parlor is at least a good sign."

A tear slid down her cheek and he wiped it away with his thumb as he let his gaze flicker over her like he was trying to memorize her. She certainly did the same to him.

"That's enough, you two," came Finn's voice from the hallway.

Marianne turned and was surprised to see her brother didn't even seem angry. Just tired. Like he hadn't slept last night, just as she hadn't. Just as Sebastian likely hadn't.

Sebastian stepped away, his hand dropping from her face at the last possible moment before he smiled at her gently. "I'm glad I got to see you. Goodbye, Marianne."

"No, don't say goodbye," she said, not caring if she was doing this in front of her brother. "Not like it's final."

He glanced toward Finn and sighed. "Then I'll just say, good morning. And we'll see what happens later."

He hesitated and she felt him lean toward her, like he wanted one last touch or kiss. But then he pivoted and strode out the door to the horse waiting for him on the drive. He swung up without a backward glance and then rode away out of sight at the turn of the bend of the drive.

She bent her head when he was gone, her breath short and harsh. She felt her brother's arm come around her, holding her up even though he was the one breaking her heart by sending Sebastian away.

"Come, I suppose now is as good a time as ever to have a discussion about the great deal I've apparently missed beneath my very nose," he said.

She didn't resist as he turned her away from the door and back up the hall to his study. How often had she come to this room in her life? She looked around at its shiny cherrywood bookshelves and wide desk. It had been her father's study, and she'd come here to be lectured and shouted out as a child.

But when Finn had inherited, the room she'd once feared had become far more comfortable. Together they had redecorated the space and made it brighter and more welcoming. They'd sat at the desk to laugh over some friend's silly behavior at a ball or to discuss a book they'd both liked. She'd curled up by the fire, indulging in companionable silence while her brother worked at his ledger and she sewed.

Now she sat in one of the comfortable chairs before the roaring fire and felt the same dread she'd felt when the last earl had ruled with such a cruel and harsh manner.

"I'm sure you wish to tell me about your deep disappointment in my behavior," she said, staring at the dancing flames rather than her brother's face.

He took the seat opposite hers and reached over to take her hands in his gently. He leaned closer and shook his head. "There is nothing on this earth that you could do to ever inspire my disappointment, Mari. Nothing. If anything, I'm disappointed in myself for not seeing what was going on."

She sighed. "Well, we were trying to hide it, so I suppose we were just good at it."

"I'm not talking about your…your…"

"Affair," she supplied. Yes, it was an affair now, after all. It fit Claudia's list in a way she had questioned after her first night with Sebastian.

His nose wrinkled. "I won't call it that. But certainly. That. I'm talking about what you said to me last night. That you wanted to be more some man's consolation prize as a bride, that you had daring in your soul that I didn't see."

"I was angry," she said softly. "But those things are true. I know you see me as some failure on the marriage mart who you must protect like glass. But I'm more than that. I feel the same things any other person feels. I want the same things anyone else does."

He nodded. "I would wager you feel them even more deeply, because you're sensitive and kind and intelligent beyond almost any other person I've ever met." His gaze grew distant a moment, but then he refocused. "If you thought I didn't understand you, or truly thought I ever saw you as a failure, I owe you a most sincere apology."

"I did fail, though, didn't I?" she asked.

"Never." He squeezed her hands gently. "Your poor first two seasons were from matters out of your control. And if someone couldn't see your worth after that, then they didn't deserve you in the first place." He shifted a little. "I can see why the attention of someone like Sebastian would be tempting."

"He didn't seduce me," she said, and hoped he could hear that. "It wasn't a situation where he took advantage. We've always been friends, and then suddenly it was more. I wanted that as much as he seemed to. And we're both adults who made this decision."

He bent his head. "I still can't agree to that statement at present. But I do wonder what that means for Lanford. You were asking about him just last night and he seems to have a genuine interest."

She could have laughed at that statement. "Charles Lanford didn't even notice my existence until the Brighthollow ball when I dared to wear something a little more interesting. Yes, I saw him as an escape route, I suppose, and entertained the idea of a courtship if he asked. But…"

When she hesitated her brother's expression softened. "But you love someone else."

They met eyes and she felt his support down to her bones. Not his misplaced protection or his fear for her, but just his understanding.

"Yes. I do," she said. "And that has nothing to do with what happened between us physically. I think I have loved…loved him from the first moment I met him. Even though I've never been under the illusion that he could love me in return."

Finn held out his arms, gathering her in a brief hug that warmed her more deeply than the fire ever could. When he released her, he got to his feet and paced to the window across the room where dawn was brightening in the distance. "I wanted to spare you from this pain."

She shook her head. "But you can't, Finn. Risk is pain, love is pain, life is pain sometimes. It's painful to watch Sebastian ride away and know that what should have been something lovely has instead caused so much upset. It's painful not to have…to have Claudia to depend upon or to laugh with anymore. To whisper every detail of what has happened and see her shock and hear her advice. But I wouldn't trade a day of my friendship with either of them to stop the pain now. Both of them were very much worth it."

"You're so wise," he said.

She smiled at him weakly. "Don't tease."

"I'm not. You are very wise, Marianne. Far wiser than I am sometimes. I'd do well to be more like you. Perhaps I shall try in the future." He shook his head sadly. "But for now, we need to decide what to do today."

"Of course," she said, getting to her own feet. "To break the party up so early would only cause a great deal of questions, especially with Sebastian leaving so suddenly. I'll act as hostess as usual and I promise you that no one shall see anything different about me."

"And what about when we return to London?" her brother asked.

She shrugged. "Assuming you aren't going to force me to marry a man who doesn't love me back?—"

"I'd never force you to marry, Marianne. There is no circumstance where I would take your own choices away like that." He smiled at her so gently. "I would never put you in the same position as our mother. Create desperation in you like what was created in her."

The love she felt for her brother swelled up in her. "You're my champion, I know that, Finn. And Sebastian and I always knew this was a temporary endeavor. I've never asked for more, he certainly could not want it. So I hope that whatever happens when we return to London will be a renewal of your friendship to him, no matter what silly promises you forced upon him when it came to my ruination."

She could see Finn pondering that and he shrugged. "I think this time away will be good for everyone. We all need some perspective that the next ten days will give. After that, I suppose anything is possible."

She bent her head. She no longer believed that, not when it came to Sebastian at any rate. The magic they had shared was over now. She would love him from afar, as she always had without fully admitting it. And they would move on.

Somehow she had to. Somehow she would find a way.