Chapter 36

Chapter

Thirty-Six

TRESSYA

Orphus? I glanced around, searching for him. Weak fools breed weak fools. Was this what he alluded to during our conversation?

Rather than Orphus, my eyes settled on Radnisa, the one person the screams failed to draw close. The second culprit. She quirked a brow at me, then turned and strode away. The bitch.

I was torn between comforting Andriet, consulting with the king, or going after Radnisa. My fury decided for me.

The onlookers slowed me down, and by the time I'd cleared the crowd, Radnisa had disappeared from sight. There were likely two places she would go. I headed for her small tent first.

Rage shuddered through my body at the sight of her silhouette as she moved around inside her tent. She didn't even turn to face me when I threw the tent flap aside and stomped inside.

"How dare you."

"How dare I?" She slowly turned. "On the sacred order of the Mother. That's how I dare."

"I told you not to touch her. I told you I had…" I sucked back the words with the threatening tears—not for sadness—that would surely come, but right now my fury suppressed all other emotions.

"I heard you." She turned back to the small table placed close to her bed. On it sat a bronze carafe and goblets. After pouring herself a drink, she faced me once again.

"Unlike you, I haven't forgotten what I am. I know what the Mother said in your letter."

"And I had a plan," I forced through gritted teeth. Liar. I didn't have any such thing. All I knew was that I couldn't kill Cirro.

"The Mother didn't ask for your plan. She gave you an order." She took a sip of her goblet, then strolled toward me. "I have done you a favor. The Mother need not know you failed her. I promise to keep the secret."

"I don't want your promise."

"She sent me a letter too, you know?" Radnisa delved into the pocket of her skirt and revealed a neatly folded piece of parchment. "Here. You may read it. After all, there are no secrets between sisters."

I shook my head. "I know what it says. Complete the task if I fail." It's what the Mother would say. She never communicated with any of us unless it was to give further orders.

"You can't be angry with me, Tressya. I was merely doing the Mother's will. As a good disciple should."

She turned on her heels and strolled away. I stared at the back of her head, imagining slicing my blade across her neck. Had I come armed, it's what I would've done first before hearing her confession.

"I'm protecting you. A shock, I know. I've never pretended to like you. But I see there's something to be gained for both of us in this situation. The chance to benefit myself is what motivates me. You'd find that more believable, wouldn't you?"

I took a step toward her. "You would've gained nothing from my position as queen. I would've dismissed you the moment that crown was on my head."

She returned her goblet to the table, then replaced the letter inside her pocket. "I find it amusing that you believe you can. I feel embarrassed for you, thinking the Tannards have accepted you into their family. You'll never be one of them, no matter how many babies you have. Not even the younger one cares for you. You're a convenience." She looked up from what she was doing. "You're a disciple. Always. You surrendered your soul to the Mother. Do not forget that." She turned to face me, placing her hands on her hips. "The Mother is your family. We're your sisters."

I closed the distance between us, coming to stand alongside her. "You wish to claim a familial connection with me after all this time and everything you've done?"

She sighed, staring ahead, as if I exasperated her. That's all I needed her to do.

"You don't know how much I've helped you over the years, Tressya. Benevolent cruelty was necessary. But it seems both the Mother and I were far too lenient. Otherwise, you wouldn't have held back for one moment. The princess would've died with her first step on Tarragona's soil, and you would now be queen."

Radnisa always held a chilling beauty. Even now, looking over her shoulder at me, she looked like an ice queen. She turned to her drinks table and poured out another goblet of wine, then handed it to me. "I'll be beside you when you're queen. I'll always be at your side."

I reciprocated, swiping her goblet off the table and handing it to her. She didn't even smile before she took a drink. I mirrored her. "Is that so?"

"The Mother gave me permission to use your soul word to make you obey. The forbidden. Imagine." She'd hinted as much before. "But I didn't. However, it's at my command if I feel it necessary; if you act rebellious, or grow a little too proud on your throne."

"Am I to thank you for not using my soul word?"

"I still could."

I shook my head. "No. You couldn't."

She turned her narrow-eyed glare on me. "You think you could stop me?"

Raising my eyebrows, I watched her dispassionately. "I already have."

Her glare disappeared, replaced by surprise, then slowly, horror. "No," she gasped, her eyes going wide, and clutched at her throat.

"I found one berry left in my pocket."

She staggered away from me, hitting the side of her bed, and crumbled to her knees.

"You shouldn't have accepted that drink." I followed her, then sank to kneel beside her.

"Loyalty," she gasped again, then made small sounds in her throat.

"Why should you deserve my loyalty?" How fast the poison worked surprised me.

She slid down the side of her bed and fell backward onto her ass, then further onto an elbow, reaching out one arm, clawing the air as if wanting to gouge out my eyes.

I felt no pleasure in watching her die. There was no victory to feel. I slumped down, leaning against the bed, resting my head back, feeling two days of no sleep and nothing to eat pull me under. Betrayal of the utmost cored me out. There was no returning from this, no lies that would conceal or places to hide from what I'd done.

Sensing her presence before me, I dragged my tired body to my feet.

"This is your home now." I avoided looking at her spirit.

"I…you…are you talking to me?"

"The edge of the Ashenlands is now your home." I looked at the ground rather than at her.

"You're—"

"Yes. I betrayed my oath to the Mother many times over. And this isn't the only secret I've kept."

"Tressya, you?—"

"You'll remain here when the king's party leaves." I walked toward the tent flap.

"Please, you can't?—"

I spun back, looking at her spirit for the first time. "You should've left Cirro alone." My voice held iron I didn't feel as a perverse guilt racked my body.

"You can't do this."

"I can bend you to my will, but I can't give your life back. No one can."

I hurried away, leaving my crime behind. A few tents along, I stopped to cover my mouth with my hands as I sucked in air. What had I done? Lying to the Mother, failing to follow her orders, keeping secrets from my sisters, was nothing compared to killing another disciple. Would I be able to forgive myself?

I'd always hated Radnisa, yet it was a hate tempered with perseverance, knowing she would always be in my life. For so long, I'd thought I needed her.

My hands shook as the trembling coursed through the rest of my body and the tears flowed free, but I wasn't sure who the tears were for, my dead sister, or my cursed soul.

I staggered forward, tripping over ropes staked into the ground as I moved blindly around the tents with the vision of Andriet's horrified expression caught in my head. I should go comfort him, tell him how sorry I was for bringing Radnisa into the court and into his life. I sobbed as I stumbled, unable to deny the truth. Cirro was dead because of me.

The pandemonium raged behind me, everyone drawn to the bonfire and Cirro's dead body. With Andriet in my head, I found my feet and ran, winding my way through the tents devoid of people, not thinking of where I would end up, until I slammed into the solid arms and chest of Tamas. Bloodwyn, not Tamas.

"You're back," I gasped. Through my dazed stupor, my gaze traveled the length of him, searching for injuries. This far from the bonfire, the tents cast too many shadows to conceal us from suspicious eyes, but it also meant I couldn't see his injuries.

"Only just. What's happened?"

"Cirro's dead."

He seized my shoulders and stared down at me. "Did you do that?"

"No," I snapped. "Never. But the murderer's already dead." The confession spilled from my mouth before I could stop it.

His eyes roamed my face, reading everything I couldn't say. Even in the shadows, I felt I couldn't hide from his eyes. He nodded and took my hand, leading me further into the darkness. I went, no longer feeling like my body was my own. Neither did I ask Tamas where he was leading me.

We ended up at his tent. I hurried inside, blowing out my held breath when he dropped my hand and moved around the tent. Alone, I pressed my palms into my cheeks, suffering the thrum of my heartbeat while listening to the excited babble of voices outside and the soft noises of Tamas moving about.

Sparks burst, then the wick took. His silhouette came to life in the gentle flicker of the candle light. Tamas's silhouette, not Bloodwyn's. It seemed in the short time I'd known him as the man he truly was, I'd unconsciously memorized every part of his body.

In the soft glow, he looked bigger, an overgrown predator. His snug pants outlined his muscular thighs, his hair a dark shaggy mess to his nape.

I crossed the distance, approaching him from behind, unafraid of this man who, only hours ago, was the biggest threat in my nightmares. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek against his back, needing a solid, warm body to cuddle against and the sound of a beating heart other than my own.

Flush against him, I listened to his breaths move through his lungs, and closed my eyes. It felt as though my body had been reaching for someone to hold for so long, and now it cried with relief. The tense coil of my muscles unraveled. Finally, I could breathe. Surrounded by a raging flood, he was my anchor.

Tamas pressed his hands over mine and arched his head back, taking in a deep breath. To me, it sounded like the sigh a man makes after a good meal, stretched out in front of a warm fire with a large ale in hand, but that could only be my dreams.

Because of his tattered shirt, my hands were on his warm skin, flattened by his palms. If they weren't held in place, I would dare explore the ridges and grooves on his stomach, savoring skin that felt like a courtier's expensive silks.

He squeezed my hands, then slowly turned in my embrace. My eyes gobbled up the sight of his dark nipples, his broad shoulders, and the taunt striations of his muscles. But mostly, I wanted to rest my cheek on the plane of his smooth skin and listen to his heartbeat.

As if sensing my desire, he wrapped me in his arms, nestling me in close. I willingly caved, inhaling the smell of his skin.

"Give me two guesses. Radnisa killed the princess. And in retaliation, you killed her."

I'd almost forgotten our conversation. The physical sensations of our proximity took up all the space in my head.

This was the first time he'd made it out of the Ashenlands in two days. Regardless, I inhaled deep because underneath the sweat he smelt of power, compassion and…home.

"I hope for your sake the viper didn't make it gruesome?"

"She used the berries." My tongue was loose. Tamas stole my ability to hide anything.

"You gave her the berries?"

I wriggled out of his embrace, but he refused to relinquish me. "You really think I would give any to her?"

"It was stupid of me to say. I know you didn't trust her."

"You knew nothing about us."

Using his strength, he wound me back in, sealing me against him. I gave in, needing his comfort too much. It was unhealthy and dangerous.

"That's better," He sighed again, and I felt the echo of his voice rumbling in his chest. "I hate to contradict you, but my gaze has rarely wandered from you. I don't need it said aloud to know how it went between the two of you."

A treacherous thrill coursed through my body upon hearing his confession.

"She missed one berry." His muscles muffled my voice. My mind wanted to prove what the last few hours had done to my sanity by urging me to kiss his chest.

"Convenient." His fingers massaged the muscles close to my spine. I wished his hands were on my skin.

I really had gone insane. It seemed my constraints unraveled as fast as my loyalty to the Mother.

"Is your pain for Cirro?"

"I was meant to kill her. I thought I would do it."

His tone softened. "But you'd grown fond of her. So the viper did it for you. Now you carry her death as if you killed her."

"There's no denying she's dead because of me. I liked her very much, but it's Andriet that makes this hurt. His attachment to her grew out of nowhere. She would've given him a perfect life. One he deserved. Until I took it away from him."

I'd never shed tears or bared my pain to anyone. Not even Carlin. I always had to protect him from the Sistern, not to mention my father's wrath were he ever to find out we were lovers. Tamas was my first true confidante.

"I know the agonizing experience of suffering guilt for circumstances beyond your control, so I won't diminish your anguish by offering feeble clichés. But I do want to say one thing."

"Go on."

"Don't take on the guilt of others. It will end up crushing you. There's a thousand shoulds and ifs that you can twist all manner of ways that will dig the blade deeper if you really want to feel the pain."

I bit my lip and kept my eyes closed. Sometimes silence was better than words.

"Killing one of your own must also be hard."

Did we still have to continue talking about this? I shook my head, then sagged into him because, yes, what he said was significant—my body told me so, and I would likely struggle with this for time to come. "She's been a blade in my back from day one. I've thought of killing her, figuratively, for years. But…I'm a disciple."

"Ah, yes. I know that feeling all too well. Honor and duty. I live by them. And sometimes they've crippled me."

I nodded.

With a finger at my chin, he tilted my head up as he lowered his head as if to kiss me. My heart stopped as a fire sparked deep below.

"And now you're free. Tonight, it may not seem like it. Tomorrow, and days after, you'll struggle, but in the end you'll spread your wings because you were always meant to fly. You can be what you want to be. You can make your own rules."

Mesmerizing and achingly slow, Tamas trailed his thumb across my lower lip as he spoke. I would reply, tell him I was never meant to fly, not a woman like me, illegitimate, plain, a failure in all ways, but I couldn't find the strength to disturb the hypnotic pull of his touch.

His words were poisonous to a faithful heart, addictive to the traitorous and to any hoping for a glimpse of a future no longer bound by duty.

When he finally released my lower lip, I buried my face in his chest, inhaling deep the aromas on his skin, feeling desperately needy. This is where I wanted to be.

"I can only think of how much I've failed."

I didn't want to be the King's blade for Henricus, but for Andriet, I would gladly wield my sword. Where did that leave Tamas and me? I couldn't ask. My pulse quickened at the thought of hearing what he would say. He wanted me, like I wanted him, but at the end of the night, what would he choose? I'd seen how far desire led two people; it was a short path, lasting the time it took the man to empty his seed and little further.

I would be stupid to think Tamas was any better. Did it change the way I felt at this moment? No. Because he was right about one thing, tonight was for making my own rules—at least for now. Tomorrow was too far away, and I'd denied myself too many times to find any strength tonight to do the same.

I lifted my head, pressing my chin on his chest and gazed up at him. "It's a good thing you're Tamas."

He quirked a brow.

Cirro was dead in Andriet's arms, Radnisa lay dead in her tent, all around us chaos reigned. It was wicked that this moment felt so right, but it was time I spread my wings. "Because I don't want to kiss Bloodwyn."

"You don't have to do this right now, Tressya. That's probably shock talking. So many terrible events have happened this day."

I straightened. "Are you turning me down?"

"Stars, no. I've endlessly rehearsed this day in my head. I mean, that's assuming the kiss is the start of a deeper, more exquisite pleasure. But you should only do this because it's what you truly desire and not a way to hide from guilt or pain."

"Wow, I did a better job than I thought." I nestled my chin back on his chest, pressing my body against his, an invitation for him to continue those slow mesmeric swirls on my back.

"You've been brilliant all along, but what job is this?"

"Making you believe I saw you as nothing more than a curse from the north."

"That didn't even occur to me. Did you really think that?"

I chuckled. "From the very beginning. But…" I smiled. "Things have changed." Then I tilted my head down and inhaled his scent once more.

There was a seriousness about his expression that made me uncomfortable.

"There's never a perfect time. I know, We're enemies?—"

He pressed a finger over my lips as he shook his head, so I sucked his finger into my mouth. His eyes flared a fraction as he inhaled.

I bit his finger gently, then moved my head away. "I truly desire it, and I want to forget. I want to pretend I govern my own life. We're two people wanting competing outcomes. How can that end, Tamas?" I closed my eyes. "But tonight I ask something for myself, as selfish as that may be. And I want you to do the same. Be no one else but a man who wants nothing more than to be with me."

I dared reveal my heart. I wasn't even breathing.

He wrapped me in a tight embrace. "I don't have to pretend to be that."

"Then shut up and take your clothes off."

"Now that's an invitation a man can't refuse."

I didn't wait for him to do it. Instead, I slid his useless jacket from his shoulders, then gripped the hem of his tattered shirt and dragged it off so I could savor all of him in the candlelight. I smoothed a hand across the expanse of his skin, swallowing the satisfied smirk at seeing his stomach muscles quiver under my touch and hearing him suck in a breath.

"You play an unfair game. Why don't I get to put my hands all over your bare skin?"

I huffed a laugh. "Because you're impatient."

"For you, yes." His voice purred just above a whisper.

Now I knew the true reason I'd chosen this simple dress. I unfastened the lace at my bodice, then let it slip to the floor.

His eyes went immediately to the outline of my breasts under my thin cotton chemise. I gasped as he glided his hand over my peaked nipples, and a pulse stabbed through my veins, making me ache. The feeling sent shards of pleasure between my legs. He smirked, looking way too smug at my reaction, but I didn't care as long as he kept touching me.

"We've both waited too long for this," he whispered, his voice a deep groan that flowed out like syrup. Then, capturing my eyes with a stare to turn my clothes to cinders, he pinched both my nipples.

"I said, take off your clothes," I demanded.

"I rarely take orders from anyone."

"In that case." I pushed him in the chest, wanting space, but he refused to budge. Instead, he quirked a brow.

Why was I not surprised he would resist being shoved around? His sword was on his right hip, his dagger sheathed to the front of it. I wrapped my hands around the dagger's hilt and drew it out, then feathered it across the skin of his chest.

"I'll have to take matters into my own hands." Slowly, as not to make him jerk, I trailed it gently down his torso until I reached the laces on his pants. Like any good warrior, he kept his blade sharp. It took no time for me to cut the laces away. As each lace broke, the muscles in his stomach rippled.

"That's better." I arched around him and threw the dagger, embedding it into a tent pole.

"I thought you were going to geld me."

"That comes later if you don't give me what I want."

He kissed me with as much violence as a raging storm. I matched him, my hunger just as great, our kiss as desperate as the first time.

No one had kissed me like this. Never had I kissed as voraciously in return. We were tongues clashing, hands clawing across skin. He matched my whimper with a groan that set a fire burning down to my core. My whole body throbbed as my hands found their way into his hair, tugging, then across his shoulders, gouging my nails along his smooth skin. Freeing my mind from thought, I surrendered to my body, wallowing in the sensations, the smells, the emotions.

Tamas gently ended his kiss, withdrawing his lips from mine and brushed light nips along my jaw, down my throat, and onto my shoulder. A smoldering desire within me grew hotter than the Ashenlands's pit, evoking a primal scream within my mind. Tamas's kisses brought me to the edge, and then he daringly released me. An unfamiliar savagery surged through my body at being denied. I wasn't ready for his gentle touch, so I fell to my knees, yanking down his pants as I went, freeing his hard cock, and it bounced up to slap against his stomach.

"Stars, Tressya," he hissed. "You don't have to?—"

I grasped his cock firm, splaying my fingers over its girth as I licked my lips, arched my head back and stared up into his dark eyes. The dim light from the candle cast shadows across one side of him, hugging his face and body in all the right places, making him appear the lethal creature I knew he was, but his expression had slackened, his eyes hooded and hungry, as a faint tremor rippled through him and into my hand. The powerful Razohan was a man brought down, and all I had to do was put my hand on his cock.

As if that's all I'd do. I shifted my gaze to his shaft, ran my thumb over the tip, pressing down to splay the slit open, and leaned forward to lick the first bead of dew. Salty deliciousness.

Something inside of me snapped, some earthy desire festering for too long clawed its way out of its cage and rampaged through my body like a demented bullock. Tamas's soft groan didn't help, neither did his hand smothering my grip on his cock.

"I wanted to be the first one to do the tasting."

"Shut up," I barked, shaking off his smothering hand. And I shut him up from saying anything else coherent by running my tongue along the seam underneath his shaft, right up to the ridge of its fat head. Despite his cock being hard as a blade, the skin under my tongue was silky smooth, and tasted better than the sweetest syrup.

"Delicious," I whispered, then dived back in to lather the silken skin with my tongue, ensuring my saliva coated its entire length.

"Please, Tressya. I want to?—"

My greedy suck drowned his voice, with lips stretched taunt, as I swallowed him all the way to the back of my throat until I almost gagged.

"Hmm," I moaned on imagining how stretched and filled I would feel after this night was over.

He groaned. "You're killing me."

I pressed my thumb over his slit. "I haven't even started." Then went right back to enjoying my meal, holding his gaze with mine as I trailed my lips over his cock, savoring what passion did to his features, making him appear greedy and more animalistic.

I'd never taken control like this, never acted so aggressively hungry, but this new thirst in me, unbound and inflamed by whatever fire burned through my veins, meant I would do anything to claim this male.

Claim him . The two words punched through my chest like a mace. A passion I would never normally feel, a thought I would never normally think. I was so out of my head at this moment, and I didn't care. Instead, I increased my rhythm, my head bobbing back and forth as I pressed my lips tight around his shaft.

Tamas arched his head back, a guttural, feral noise rising through his throat. His hips spasmed forward, but I anchored him in place with a firm hand on one hip, not willing to let him take the lead. This was my time for power, my time to bring him down.

The tremor started under my fingers, splayed across his hips, then moved down his shaft and into my mouth. He rumbled deep, gruff noises, grumbles of tortured pleasure, as the spasms took hold of his entire body.

"I surrender," he cried.

I joined my mouth strokes with my hand.

"Fuck. You've won," he uttered in a hoarse voice.

I didn't relent, this time gripping his heavy sacks with my other hand.

"You're my queen." His body vibrated uncontrollably.

A snarl ripped from his lips. "You're mine."

And he jerked his hips back, then pushed me backward. I landed on the makeshift bed, Tamas descending on top of me.

"You're cruel. You didn't let me?—"

He kissed me while his feverish hands ripped at my clothes, tearing them away from my body, revealing my pebbled flesh to the cool breeze and his wet, desperate tongue.

"It's my turn," he growled, lashing his mouth over my nipples.

Desire unfurled like a poisonous flower below my skin. My breasts felt heavy, my nipples ached. I had no idea how much of me had died since leaving Carlin until Tamas kissed me, and my whole body woke, screaming in hunger.

I'd never felt so alive. My body, sensitive to the slightest touch, shivered at the caress of his hands and tease of his tongue. I felt free, just as he'd told me to be.

He reared back. "Fuck, you're gorgeous," he whispered.

"Don't," I groaned in return, turning my face away from him.

He seized my chin between his fingers and drew my head back, forced me to stare up at him. "Never look away from me." Then he gently brushed a strand from my cheek. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met."

I shook my head, but he pressed his fingers into my cheeks to still me. "I know what you're going to say," he growled, a low thundering noise that sent shards like daggers straight to my core.

I shuddered as his fingers found my clit, giving a light tease as he told me off. "I've lied before, but never about this."

"You're honestly going to keep talking," I groaned and rocked my hips into his palm as he continued to stroke me in the perfect place, using the perfect pressure and the perfect pace like he was inside my body feeling the sensations and reading my mind, knowing exactly what I needed.

He lowered, dusting his lips on the shell of my ear. "I saw your beauty the moment I met you." His warm breath tickled inside my ear.

He slipped a finger inside of me, then dragged it out with a lazy stroke. Then in again. "It's deep inside that I search. It's deep inside I saw your worth. A woman with no equal."

He'd replaced his one finger with two or was that three. I wasn't sure, but the stretch was turning my head, the gentle strokes building a slow release.

I felt the sting in my eyes and bit my lip, desperate to keep my tears inside. Happy tears, joyous tears, I'd never truly felt. Carlin was my first love, but my feelings for him turned to shadows against the power of what I felt for Tamas. This was a dream. It had to be a dream because something like this never happened to disgraced illegitimates.

Shut up. Let this moment be what it is.

"I've never stopped seeing you, Tressya. I never will."

I touched his cheek, swallowing the thickening in my throat. Face to face like this, we were exposed to each other, leaving us open, honest, and raw. The moment was powerfully intimate.

"I don't understand you." I couldn't accept what he was saying. "It frightens me." What would happen to us after tonight?

"It shouldn't. There's no fear in my heart for the way I feel."

"Tamas—"

He gave one hard kiss to shut me up, then he pulled away. "Don't let your mind ruin anything. Let your body tell you what to believe."

He wrapped an arm under my thigh and hitched my leg over his shoulder as he rose above me. "And now you're mine."

I gasped, arching my head back, pressing into his unmade bed as he slipped inside in one long, slick slide until I was sure he reached my throat.

I grabbed his hips, barely able to speak, and held him firm while I adjusted to the stretch. Finally, I breathed. "You're not what I'm used to."

His smug smile told me I shouldn't have confessed that. He winked at me, as deep in my core, I felt his cock jerk.

"How you feeling?"

"Deliciously stretched and starving for something other than food."

He seized both my wrists and dragged my arms over my head.

"Tonight is the start, Tressya." He withdrew, then plunged deep. "We're going to change everything. United, that's our power."

Then he let go. He fucked me hard, staring down into my eyes and capturing every expression on my face, as I did with him. My body turned to fire. Hot shards of molten iron poured through my veins. I couldn't look away from him, even if the Ashenlands beasts were to come crashing in, my eyes would be stuck on the raw and savage look on his face.

He kept his relentless pace until I turned dizzy from lack of breath and stars flashed before my eyes. When the exquisite tension broke, wave upon wave of pleasure crashed over me. His curses and groans filled my ears, and when his own climax broke, he cried my name as if in worship. Then with one last, deep thrust, we broke the makeshift bed.

We clung together, laughed, kissed, then laughed some more, and all the while I couldn't shake the thought I had never been so happy nor as deeply in trouble.