Chapter 35

Chapter

Thirty-Five

TRESSYA

I'd been halfway up the pit wall, climbing myself out of that torturous place, when the nightmare appeared. I'd no longer carried any of my weapons, having lost them all to the beast. I was powerless against it.

It wasn't fear that gouged away at my strength and made me want to weep as I stared up at the enormous creature blotting out the fading sun. It was devastation. Tamas had not survived. That was the single thought running through my head as I clung to a fat root, not that I was weaponless, helplessly stuck halfway up the pit wall, with no hope of defending myself.

Tamas had not survived.

Heaviness sunk into my limbs and belly, and I closed my eyes, pressing my forehead into the dirt. I'd wondered if there would ever come a day when I remembered this exact moment without feeling as though I was falling apart.

When the nightmare came closer, I opened my eyes, ready for a warrior's death. It hadn't taken me long to realize that what looked out at me from behind those black eyes was not an unintelligible void of violence, but someone who'd risked all to save us.

He had survived.

And he'd come back for me. There were two choices he could've made. Abandoning me ensured he won, as he said he would. Rescuing me led him down a different path, and I was too confused to work out which direction that now sent him…sent me. Sent us both. Neither would I give it any thought. I couldn't, at least not yet. Tamas was the most beguiling and enigmatic man I'd ever met, the only person who could make me fear and desire him in one breath; the only person who could make me question my duty; my fate.

I sighed. There were too many questions I had to ask, too many obligations in my path conflicting with the emotions in my heart. Discipline ensured no disciple lack certainty. The Mother's will kept the disciples together, gave us a foundation, fed us strength, but I felt beyond her now.

Tamas was a man of many lives, lies, and complexities, yet I felt drawn to him in a way I never have before. Not with Carlin, not with the Sistern.

And now I stood at the edge of the demarcation line between the Ashenlands and the tent city, empty of my weapons, empty of my object, and wearing a simple peasant's dress—forgoing my princess clothes—but feeling the aches underneath. I watched Tamas stride out of the Ashenlands, like the victor of a long battle, like a king. He'd transformed back into Bloodwyn. All I saw striding toward me was the true man underneath.

He stopped when he spied me waiting for him at the edge, my toes peeking over into the dust, my heels remaining on the green grass. I wondered if I ever stood any hope of winning against him, against a man who could be anyone and anything at anytime of his choosing. I also wondered, in the far depths of my traitorous heart, if I wanted to.

He glanced down at himself, then back at me, and held his hands out either side of himself as if offering an apologetic smile. I preferred his real self.

"You haven't joined in the celebrations?" he said as he came closer.

"They've got no reason to celebrate." I'd had time to return to my tent before Tamas reappeared after he'd left me safe on the edge of the Ashenlands, time enough to change my clothes and wash my skin as best I could of grime and blood. I also had time to hear the gossip from the last two days of the trials. Some had yet to return, most of those likely never to return if the king had his way. Those who had returned thought they were the lucky ones, spared from facing their death, but neither had they faced themselves. Not like I had done. Having never questioned myself before, I did now. I questioned everything. Was it possible for me to survive alone without the Sistern?

Tamas reached me, aligning his toes with mine. Only he stayed on the side of death, remaining in the Ashenlands as if he was an illusion created by the Salmun to bring me to my knees.

"But you have," he told me, staring down at me with Bloodwyn's unusual amber-colored eyes. Tamas's were a deep purple tinging to black, dark and mysterious, much like the man himself.

"I question that."

Tamas was taller, broader, darker, and dangerous. He was too arrogant, stubborn and wild to be contained; too forthright, cunning and deceptive to be dismissed; too courageous, resilient, and loyal to be ignored. I'd never forgotten my purpose, or my fealty, because of my hunger. Never. Until him.

He frowned, and I fought the urge to run my thumb across his brow to smooth the creases away, or simply to touch him. Dark eyes, dark hair, dark skin, he was the embodiment of night, a man who could draw in the shadows and command their mystique. It was as though the Ashenlands were made for him.

"You don't believe you deserve to survive?"

"I'm not faithful." I'd dishonored my vow to the one person who had protected me from a disgraced life. I dishonored that vow the moment I met Bloodwyn, and continued to do so in every decision I made and action I took. Perhaps I had cursed myself when I silenced Juel's dying screams.

"That is a heavy burden to carry on your heart."

"You went to your people." It wasn't a question. When he left me on the edge of the Ashenlands, then took to the sky again, I knew what he was doing. His goal was to win. Just as he promised he would. And I couldn't make myself stop him. I didn't know who this person was, this woman who fell for the enemy. This woman who balked at doing what was best for the Sistern and the Mother.

"Yes."

"They're coming."

"Yes."

I wouldn't ask him if he was still faithful to every oath he made to his people, just as I couldn't ask if he would willingly sacrifice his success for me.

"Then we're at war with each—" I couldn't finish what I had to say. A thickness in my throat and the sting at the corner of my eyes prevented me from uttering another word. Dare I show how much he'd crippled my heart?

Who was I?

He trailed a finger down my temple, the touch gentle, barely perceptible, as if he and this moment were my imagination, then his fingers made their way to my lips, covering them to prevent me from speaking.

"No."

"Tamas," I whispered against his fingers.

He smiled as he pulled them away and rested them on my chin, tilting my head up. "You can say that word, but nothing else." His eyes fell to my lips, like they'd done in the pit.

My breath wouldn't come. I shook my head, pulling my chin from his fingers. "It's not me, Tamas. I'm not a courtier. I don't swoon or faint or falsify my emotions. And I definitely don't surrender." Like I had, like I was doing at this moment.

"That's why you're special, why you're still alive."

He stroked the side of my face, but it didn't take long for me to realize it wasn't his finger, but his claw, now drawn in front of my eyes. He seized my chin in his hand, miraculously keeping his long, sharp claws from touching my skin. "When I boarded that ship, my sole purpose was to kill you. Every moment we've met since then was another chance for me to do it."

"Because I'm a disciple?"

"Because another Tannard heir within the line of the Levenian must never be born. That you are a disciple makes it all the more dangerous, makes you all the more dangerous. And to me, all the more desirable."

I sucked in a breath, drawing Tamas's eyes once again to my lips.

"We're enemies," I whispered.

Tamas seized my wrist and tugged me across the demarcation line that kept me safe. Further, he dragged me until we were both plunged into the gloom of the forest.

I opened my mouth to protest, but he yanked me close and kissed me instead. Kissed me like we faced death. And if we did, I didn't care because I could no longer restrain my hunger. I clawed at his hair, his shirt, his skin. I bit his lip, his throat, his neck. I moaned, cried his name, begged, with no idea what I was begging for. Never had I abandoned myself so completely. Never had it felt so sublime to be out of my head and floating far from the ground. So easily I'd pushed my mind aside and opened myself to simply feeling.

The illegitimate princess, the disgraced disciple, the almost queen, I had to escape all three. I was simply the woman who had all but crawled on her knees to the altar of her enemy.

The heavy thud of a looming threat broke us apart. Tamas groaned as he dragged his mouth from mine and looked over my shoulder. Using his unmatchable speed, he spun me around, shielding me with his body.

"It's time you left," he said, facing down the large snake-like creature.

"What? You think you're invincible now?"

He looked over his shoulder and winked. "It's not far. Just retrace your steps. Make sure you go straight ahead."

"Tamas," I growled, as if speaking to an imbecile.

"As much as I love hearing you speak my name, you're a distraction I don't need right now." He pushed me away as the snake-like beast reared up and wavered its head back and forth, as if trying to decide the best moment to strike. "Please, Tressya. You've got no weapons. You can't help. Go."

"You want me to worry about you?" I voiced it as an accusation, but it was true; it was the moment in the pit when I thought he'd died.

"Sorry, but I can't help feeling flattered knowing you would." He glanced over his shoulder and winked. "I'm the nightmare, little princess. Remember that. You have nothing to worry about. Please, go."

I did as he asked, knowing he was right. If Tamas could defeat the nightmare, who was I to think I could do better?

I turned and ran through the gloomy forest, clearing exposed roots, refusing to deviate from my path. One turn and I would find myself lost in this cursed place once again, running blind, weaponless. One last leap and my legs buckled as I hit the dusty ground of the dead land, landing me flat on my belly. The last few feet I crawled until I sank onto the green grass.

"I thought you were gone," came the venomous voice in front of me.

I pushed to my knees and dusted myself off. Great. The last person I wanted to see when I was feeling raw. My lips still hummed from our kiss, and my body still vibrated from the savagery of our combined desire. If I closed my eyes, I could still be in his arms.

"Glad to disappoint you." I took my time reaching my feet, attempting to compose myself. But there was no getting the last two days out of my head, especially the last few minutes. Those would take a lifetime to erase, if ever.

Tamas and I had stumbled back into the Ashenlands with dusk falling as a curtain to shield my glorious disgrace. In that time, the murky blue had turned to gray. Our kiss had been more consuming and enduring than I'd thought.

"You seem satisfied with yourself."

I arched my head back and stared up at the first stars, not ready to face Radnisa. My skin was like peeled overripe fruit. I touched my lips, then, realizing I had done so, pulled them away as I ducked my head. I didn't need her eagle eyes noticing and gathering yet another thing to use against me. The ache in my arms for someone to hold became an ache in my heart. I wanted to run back into the Ashenlands to be with him rather than face what was in front of me, yet I knew I was fooling myself. No matter how much it felt true, we weren't as one.

She huffed. "That's interesting."

"I don't care." And I walked away, pushing past her. Anything of interest to her would be the last thing to intrigue me.

"It looks like you had help."

I stopped. "What would you know?"

"That you arrived on the edge of the Ashenlands with nothing in your possession and wearing that?"

I glanced at my dirty dress.

"It's a dress fit for the gutter. Where are your weapons?"

After escaping the Ashenlands for the first time today, I'd avoided Radnisa on my return to my tent. I'd chosen the simple outfit as it made dressing myself easy. She didn't know this was the second time today I'd stepped out of the cursed lands. Telling her would give her ammunition.

"You don't get to question, since you've never crossed that line." I jerked my head toward the demarcation line. "I need to eat and drink. Not talk." And I marched away.

"You're just in time," she yelled after me. "There's plenty of that at the king's table. Make sure you pay a visit. Soon."

Behind my tent, the bonfire lit the dusky sky. I paused in the doorway, having pulled the tent flap aside, thinking I could hide within. Truth was, in solitude I couldn't escape my thoughts, so I released the flap and headed toward the festivities. The music and revelry would force all my confusion and my exhaustion out of my head. I was smelly, my dress dusty, my hair likely a tangled mess because I'd never bothered tiding anything beyond the grime and blood. One grouch from my stomach, I forgot about the way I looked and headed over to the festivities.

I wound my way through the maze of tents, aiming for the glowing orange light of the bonfire. Almost there and a shadowy figure appeared in front of me. I nearly tripped on the tent rope.

"Orphus," I gasped, pressing a hand to my chest as my heartbeat turned to spikes, threatening to pierce my skin.

"Princess. A successful return. A day later than everyone expected."

With the light from the bonfire behind him, Orphus was an ominous silhouette, a predator.

"There were challenges."

"I never doubted you for a moment. You have a remarkable gift for surviving. One would almost think you had help."

There was something in his tone, a knowing, that put me on edge. My thoughts went first to Tamas, and then the rock. "I do. My skill with a weapon, my ability to think, my refusal to lose, and my stamina."

"Yes. You're quite the mystery." He moved closer, dropping his voice. "Arriving from the Ashenlands empty handed, I see."

He was definitely talking about the rock.

"One of your foul creations is lying dead in your cursed lands with my blades staked through its eye."

The resin and smoke stench on his cloak roiled my stomach for what it signified.

"You're a remarkable creature. Such a shame Juel had to die."

"We can all be grateful for Princess Cirro."

"Yes," he hissed, taking one more step closer. "A weak fool rules the throne. An even weaker fool will replace him. Weak fools breed weak fools in perpetuity."

An icy cold sensation pressed itself into my heart. "What're you saying?"

"Our talents grant the Salmun extended lives. Did you know that?"

I shook my head.

"I have lived through generations of rule. Ushered each Tannard king to the throne. As supreme prelate of the Creed of Salmun, my duties are clear. The House of Tannard must survive."

Why was he saying this? "I've been told as much."

He drew closer, challenging my unrelenting promise to never step back.

"Yet," his voice was almost a whisper. "I question if this line of Tannard is the line the Salmun wish to nurture and protect."

A sickly feeling bloomed in my gut. "I don't understand you."

"A very special time draws near." He moved alongside me so he could whisper in my ear. "The Salmun have waited too long."

"What time is that?"

A heavy breath tickling my ear was his reply. In my periphery, I saw him raise his hand. A thousand insects crawled across my skin as I waited for his touch. If only I still had a dagger.

"This moment could not be more perfect. And now the Salmun's eyes have opened."

Unable to stay still any longer, I stepped away from him.

"I'm hungry and in need of ale."

He bowed. "Of course, princess, of course. The king and Andriet are at the feast. Eat and be merry." Fingers spread, he made as if to drag his hand down my face, never quite touching. "Princess."

I walked away, keeping my footsteps even and calm while inside my heart raced and my mind admonished me to run. Now I knew the mysterious formation of light I'd seen in the cave the moment I held the rock was the Salmun's warning. Orphus knew I had taken it. That's what he was referring to in saying the Salmun's eyes were open.

His talk was treasonous, and I feared to think why he would dare. I picked up my pace, desperate to see Andriet and assure myself he was all right.

In the center of the revelry, flames licked skyward. In the open fields, modesty, decorum, and hierarchy were forgotten, the music no longer the restrained instrumentals accompanying the formal dances, containing a rigid set of rules for interaction. Maid mingled with nobleman, butcher with heiress, inhibitions forgotten, each couple dancing a dance of their own, wantonly, scandalously, to the gay tunes of the lute and shawm.

I heaved a sigh at spying Andriet sitting at the king's table dressed in his finest, Cirro by his side. He leaned over and whispered something in her ear, making her laugh. They looked in love, but I knew better.

My mouth salivated at the smell of richly spiced meat, but after my weird conversation with Orphus, I stayed on the edge of the festival, ignoring my hunger. The king sat in his seat, laughing with the nobleman to his left. There were many vacant spaces at his table, many seats that would be filled with councilman if and when they returned from their trial.

"You don't choose to join the festivities, princess?" I found Daelon on my right.

"I never do. I'm better watching from afar."

"I don't believe for a moment that's what you really choose. It's what you do out of habit, and what you think everyone expects of you."

I folded my arms. "Oh, really?"

He tugged one hand free and pulled me along behind him.

"Daelon, I'm a mess. I've not long returned from my trial."

"And you probably had a terrible time of it. You need some fun to make you forget." He dragged me into the center of the dancers and twirled me around his hand before grabbing my waist and settling me in front of him.

I chuckled. "I could easily mistake you for Andriet. You both think alike."

He smiled, his gray eyes sparkling with joy as he drew me around the bonfire in time with the tune. We moved out of step with the rest of the dancers, but that was the point, and no one cared. "Andriet will be overjoyed to see you back. He arrived yesterday. It didn't take him long, but then no one expected it would."

"Is that why you're acting like an excited child?"

He tilted his head back and laughed. "I can't help being spirited away by the music."

"And something else. I don't believe it's music alone."

He settled his eyes on me, then bit his bottom lip as if trying to subdue his smile. "Cirro and I have spoken."

"Have you now?"

He twirled me around on the spot until I became dizzy. "Daelon, stop," I laughed.

Then he gathered me in his arms. "I adore her. She's added another light to our lives."

"Oh, what did she say to make you sing her praise?"

"She adores me back. She adores Andriet. She accepts that Andriet's first and true love is me, but she hopes we can both love her, too."

He pinched me on the chin the moment he caught my smile. "See, I knew my happiness would infect you."

I wrapped my arms around Daelon's neck and drew him close, closing my eyes against the sting. Strange I could be genuinely happy while feeling my heart break. Tamas and I would never find a future where we were one. "I want there to be nothing but love and joy in your life."

"There is," Daelon spoke into my hair. "I never dreamed it would happen like this. How is it I, a lowly servant, can be so fortunate? How is this my fate?"

"For once, something good comes to those who deserve it."

The scream rattled through the night air, halting the dancers and the music in an instant. I pulled from Daelon's hold and rushed past the dancers, around the bonfire, heading for the king's table.

Everyone at the table had risen to their feet, others gathering closer. Andriet was there. Alive. Thank the Mother. He remained in his seat, cradling Cirro in his arms, her lifeless eyes staring up at him.