Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

Holland

T he forested part of the Blackburn property is a magical place. The sun long ago set and through the gaps in the tree canopy, I can see stars peeking through along with slivers of moonlight. We set up our tents in a clearing, surrounded by towering pines and have a simmering campfire going. I don't know how many times over the span of my youth I came out here to camp with the Blackburn siblings and the nostalgia of it all warms my belly.

We didn't ride horses, instead coming out on ATVs. We've cooked chicken and veggie kabobs over the fire, made s'mores and now we're all kicked back with beers.

To my best delight, Abby is here visiting from Pittsburgh. She hugged me tight and didn't let go for the longest time when I arrived at the farm earlier this afternoon and it's been a nonstop chatter fest with her. I'm sad her husband, Kellan, didn't come but it absolutely warms my soul to see her and Kat each so happy in love.

Abby's sitting on my right, her dark hair tied back in a ponytail, and her laugh is infectious. Kat is on my other side, nestled close to Gabe, who is the odd man out in our group but making an effort to fit in. Wade, always the life of the party, is directly across from me, already on his second beer and regaling us with a story about one of his drunk friends tangling with a copperhead snake on a recent outing. Trey is next to his brother and every time my gaze rakes over him, our eyes clash in a secret communication that I hope no one else sees. Admittedly, it's hard to act as if we're just friends when we've spent the last three days tangled up in each other.

The shift for me came in Louisville when I told Trey a truth I hadn't realized until the words came out of my mouth.

I didn't want to be hard.

While I'm still struggling to reconcile feelings that have been dredged up—both good and bad—I can't ignore the fact that Trey has opened me to the possibility of something with him again.

Oh, it's all so confusing. He's made me doubt my career and my life in Zurich. He's made me look past bitter feelings to perhaps allowing more than just forgiveness where he's concerned. And it hasn't helped one bit watching Kat reconnect with a former love who hurt her deeply and seeing how happy they are now.

If she can do it, can I?

"Remember that time at the county fair when Wade tried to impress Emma Jenkins by riding that pony?" Kat says, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

Wade groans, covering his face with his hands. "Please, don't remind me. I ended up flat on my back in the mud and limped for a week after."

Abby laughs, nearly choking on her beer. "You did impress her, though. She couldn't stop talking about how brave you were."

"Or how stupid," Wade mutters, but he's smiling. "Still, that was a good summer. We had a lot of fun back then."

"We sure did," Trey says, his voice softer, more reflective. His eyes meet mine over the fire and I have to look away. We weren't together then, but I had a crush on him. He didn't reciprocate it back then because the age gap was too big to overcome, but he was my champion. Ever since the day at the pond when he sensed something was wrong and promised I could always talk to him, he was the one I knew I could count on the most. I didn't open up to him until after our first kiss, but from then on, he was my best friend.

I know that losing that friendship… that safety net… hurt as much as losing the blush of first love and intimacy. But now here we are, and we're on a precipice. I just don't know how to take a step off it.

I try to push aside the riot of sensations he causes within me, because tonight, I want to enjoy the company of my friends. "Remember the year we all decided to show up in ridiculous costumes for the Halloween horse show?"

"Oh my God, yes!" Abby exclaims and looks over at her brother. "Trey… you went as the headless horseman. That costume was epic."

Trey shakes his head, laughing. "I couldn't see a damn thing out of it. Kept bumping into walls."

We all laugh and again, Trey and I connect visually across the fire. He grins, taking a sip of his beer. "Hey, it worked. I won best costume."

Kat nudges Gabe, a playful look in her eyes. "You should've seen Trey. He was all in, despite the fact he couldn't see. We had to lead him around half the time."

Gabe chuckles, glancing at Trey. "I can picture it."

I notice how Kat's hand rests on Gabe's knee, the way her eyes soften when she looks at him. It's clear she loves him deeply, and I have a sudden swell of yearning to have the same thing.

Trey's attitude toward Gabe tonight has been a revelation. He's treating him with cautious respect, perhaps taking to heart what I said about forgiveness. Of course, I'm caught in the same spiderweb because that means I have to be open to all the possibilities surrounding the concept of accepting a remorseful apology.

"So, Gabe," Wade says, turning the conversation toward him. "How's it feel being the new guy in this crazy group? Or better yet, how does it feel camping out under the open stars rather than sleeping on thousand-dollar sheets in your big mansion?"

Gabe laughs, a deep, genuine sound and doesn't take offense, although Wade's tone makes it clear he wasn't just teasing. "It's definitely a change of pace, but I'm enjoying it. You all have a lot of great memories together."

Kat leans her head on Gabe's shoulder, her voice soft. "We do. But we're making new ones too."

Abby raises her beer bottle, her eyes sparkling in the firelight. "To new memories."

"To new memories," we all echo, clinking our bottles together.

The conversation flows easily, stories of past horse shows, pranks we pulled on one another, and the general mischief of our youth. Gabe listens attentively, occasionally adding his own humorous anecdotes.

Trey catches my eye again, a small smile playing on his lips. He's been more relaxed tonight, and I wonder if it's because he's making an effort to mend the bridges he burned with Gabe. It's a good look on him, this willingness to change and grow.

It gives me hope.

As the night deepens, the fire burns lower, and the moon brightens. I lean back in my chair, staring up at the twinkling lights above. There's a peace here, among these trees and these people, that I haven't felt in a long time.

"Holland, remember that time we all got lost in the woods?" Abby says, breaking the comfortable silence.

I laugh, nodding. "How could I forget? We thought we were following the trail, but we ended up going in circles for hours."

Trey chuckles, shaking his head. "I still say it was Wade's fault. He was the one who insisted he knew where we were going."

"Hey, I was confident," Wade protests, holding up his hands. "Confidence is half the battle."

"And the other half is actually knowing where you're going," Kat teases.

Our laughs echo through the trees. It's times like these that I realize how much I've missed this, missed them. Despite everything that's happened, we have a bond that time and distance can't break.

Or at least, I really want to believe that. Not just as it applies to these people, my friends who I left behind long ago.

I want to believe it about Trey as well.

Wade gets up and rummages through the cooler to pull out another beer. "Who else is due?"

We're all out here to drink and have fun, so we drain the last remnants and accept new brews.

"Let's play Never Have I Ever," Wade suggests with a mischievous grin as he settles back into his camp chair.

Kat raises an eyebrow. "Are we twelve?"

Wade laughs. "Come on, it'll be fun. Plus, I bet there are some stories we haven't heard yet."

Abby nods enthusiastically. "I'm in. It's been a while since we've played."

Gabe looks a bit unsure, but Kat nudges him with a playful smile. "Don't worry, it's easy. You'll catch on."

"What are the rules?" he asks hesitantly.

"One of us asks a question, ‘Never have I ever' followed by something you've never done. Anyone who's done it has to take a drink. If no one has done it, then you have to take a drink."

"What's the point?" Gabe asks dubiously.

"To get to know each other better," I supply at the same time Wade says, holding up his beer, "To get drunk. I'll start."

We all scoot closer to the fire, forming a tighter circle. Wade looks up, pondering before he says, "Okay, never have I ever… skipped school."

Trey coughs into his mouth. "Bullshit."

Wade grins. "Okay, yeah… I skipped school. Never have I ever… gone skydiving."

Gabe tips his beer and Kat looks at him in surprise. "Really?"

"I've done lots of cool stuff, babe."

I'm also taking a sip of beer and Wade's eyes widen. "You went skydiving, Holland?"

I nod as I swallow. "Over the Swiss Alps. It was amazing."

Glancing at Trey, I see a soft smile on his face, a clear indication he's happy that I've had good memories.

Abby is next. "Never have I ever… gotten a tattoo."

Kat rolls her eyes and sips her beer. "Lame, Sis. We all know you're afraid of needles, which is weird considering you're a veterinarian."

"They gross me out on people," she defends herself.

Gabe chuckles and takes a sip of his beer, surprising everyone again. "You have a tattoo?" Kat asks, eyes wide with curiosity.

"A small dragon," he says, tapping her on the nose with his finger. "And frankly… I'm surprised you haven't seen it yet given the fact you've—"

"Hey, hey, hey," Trey exclaims, holding out both hands. "We don't want to hear why Kat should have seen it."

"Where is it?" Kat demands, her eyes narrowed. "I would have seen it."

"You weren't looking hard enough," Gabe says, cutting a side eye at Trey with some degree of satisfaction before saying, "But I'll let you explore next time we're alone."

"Just stop it," Trey groans, tipping his own beer up as if to erase the thoughts and we all laugh. "All right, my turn. Never have I ever… kissed someone in this circle."

It's a gimme question, knowing that Gabe has to drink again, along with Kat. But Trey and I should be drinking too, yet neither of us are willing to admit that truth. I have to wonder if he's pushing the boundary to see if I would, but I'm not about to open that can of worms and I hope the blush to my cheeks is well hidden by the firelight.

Kat snickers. "Nice one, Trey. Let's see… never have I ever… gone skinny-dipping."

Abby takes a sip, looking unashamed. "It was liberating. Everyone should try it at least once."

Snickering, I give her a nod of respect before I ask, "Never have I ever… been in a fist fight."

Wade and Trey exchange knowing glances and tap their bottles with a grin. "State fair," Trey says, chuckling.

Wade nods. "Yeah, some jerk was mouthing off about our horses. Had to set him straight."

Gabe looks around, thinking hard. "Okay, never have I ever… ridden a horse bareback."

Pointed question knowing each of us will have to drink. "That's a rite of passage around here, babe." Kat pats Gabe on the stomach. "You're going to have to get up on one at some point."

"I'll pass," he says dryly. "It's enough I'm out here camping with you heathens, having to piss in the woods and brave ticks."

"Speaking of peeing," I say, setting my beer down. "I've got to make a trip into the woods. Where's the flashlight?"

"Right here," Trey says, rising from his chair at the same time I do. "I'll escort you."

I almost exclaim a denial, afraid that any extra attention from Trey will reveal our secrets, but Kat starts hammering Gabe about his tattoo, Wade and Abby egging her on. No one is paying us any attention, so I just nod. "Okay… thanks."

Trey and I head off into the woods with my toilet paper, hand sanitizer and plastic baggy. The flashlight beams a narrow path through the trees, and I follow Trey closely, grateful for his company. While I love camping, I can freak myself out in some dark woods.

When we're far enough away from camp we can barely see the glow of orange fire through the trees, Trey whirls on me. He grabs my arm, pulling me close. Before I can react, his lips are on mine, warm and insistent. I kiss him back, my hands gripping his shoulders, but then I pull away, laughing quietly.

"Trey, I really have to pee," I say, a grin spreading across my face.

He chuckles, the sound low and intimate. "Fine, fine. Go ahead. I'll keep watch."

I find a spot behind a tree, and Trey turns his back, keeping the flashlight trained away from me. "No peeking," I tease.

"I wouldn't dream of it," he replies, his voice full of humor. "Although I've seen everything you have to offer up close."

Yes, he has. I'd venture to say that summer of love ensured he knew my body better than I knew it.

After finishing my business, I rejoin him, feeling a rush of exhilaration from our secret interlude. We stand close, the darkness wrapping around us like a cloak.

"It's hard not to look at you," Trey whispers, his words warm against my ear. "Not to touch you."

I shiver, both from his words and the cool night air. "I know. This is… complicated."

"It's going to be hard to keep out of your tent tonight," he says, his tone playful yet serious.

"I don't think Abby would appreciate you sneaking in." We brought three tents and Abby and I are sharing one, Trey and Wade the second and Kat and Gabe the third.

Trey steps closer, his hand cupping my cheek as he kisses me again. It's slow and deliberate, a promise of things to come. I wrap my arms around his neck, losing myself in the security of his gentle touch, connected by more than physical attraction.

I can admit that now. My heart is demanding it and I'm not sure exactly when it made the choice to crack open and allow him access.

When we finally pull apart, I'm panting, and my heart is racing. "We should get back before they notice we're gone," I say, though I'm reluctant to leave this bubble of intimacy.

Trey nods, but not before pressing one last, lingering kiss to my lips. "Falling for you again has been the easiest thing that's ever happened to me," he murmurs.

I smile, both happiness and fear swirling in my chest. "It hasn't been so easy for me, but… it's happening."

Even in the dark and shadows, I can see Trey's bright smile. One more kiss to my forehead and then he's leading us back through the woods and into camp where my friends wait.