Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

Holland

I 'm waiting for Trey on the front porch of my mom's house because if I remain in her presence, we'll just argue. Since the revelation when the attorney read Dad's Last Will and Testament that I, not Mom, own the printshop, we've been fighting continually. Her demands that I get it in shape and teach her how to run it is rubbing me wrong, and maybe I'd be more open to the idea if she'd ask nicely.

Instead, she vacillates between support of my desires to angry name-calling because I'm not giving her what she wants. I'm getting whiplash from the frequent changes and it's made me irritable.

The only saving grace to this day is that I'm going to have a few pleasurable hours with Trey, hopefully creating a repeat performance of last night on the dock. It's actually a little cool tonight so the summery thin cotton dress I chose might not be the wisest decision, but if anyone can warm me up, it's Trey Blackburn and his sinful mouth and hands. Just the thought of it causes me to shiver, and when I hear his truck coming down the road, my heart rate double-times it.

And there he is, his dark gray truck bouncing over the potholes my dad never fixed in our driveway. I start walking his way, intent on hopping in, but he opens the door and steps out before I reach him.

And man… he's a yummy sight, dressed in a crisp button-up shirt and jeans that fit him just right. He meets me at the front of the truck and walks me to the passenger door, opening it for me. It's very romantic—and it makes me suspicious. I take a more critical look at him from the clean-shaven face to his outfit and exclaim, "We're not going fishing, are we?"

"What makes you say that?" he asks with a devilish grin.

"Because you're all dressed up and you're opening the door for me. This feels like a date."

"Holland," he chastises with a dip of his head. "I'm wearing jeans so that's hardly dressing up. And I'm sorry if my southern manners got the better of me. I won't let it happen again."

To prove his point, he releases the door and holds up his hands in mock surrender.

I narrow my eyes at him. "So this isn't a date?"

"Oh, it's totally a date." He grins and walks around the back of the truck, leaving me to get in on my own.

"Ugh," I growl as I scramble for the door. He's already in as I'm clambering up and I glare at him. "I'm not going on a date with you. I want to go fishing."

Trey cranks the truck and puts it in reverse, but before easing off the brake, he turns his head to me with a frown. "Is fishing a metaphor for sex? I'm confused at this point."

"Yes, it's a metaphor for sex," I grit out.

"Then we're definitely going fishing," he says with a wide smile. "But not at the pond and we're going to eat dinner first."

"Sounds like a date," I grumble as I put my seat belt on. Trey backs out of the driveway and we're off.

"Consider it fueling up our bodies for a long fishing expedition." He laughs at his own joke.

"Where are we going to eat?"

"Louisville," he replies.

"No, Trey," I snap at him. "We can eat somewhere here."

"We're going to Louisville and then I've got a room booked at The Brown Hotel. That's where we'll be fishing tonight."

A flurry of anger and fuzzy feelings hit me, but it's the anger that takes over. "No, no, no. We are not going there. That place has special meaning and—"

"Just zip it, Holland. I want a nice meal and a comfortable bed to fuck you on. I'm sorry if the Brown stirs up bad memories but that's where I'm booked, so either go with it or I'll take you back right now."

Trey's voice never rose or fell but I can tell he's annoyed. But so am I. The Brown is a special place because that's where we often spent the night together that summer we fell in love. I'd lie to my mom and tell her I was staying at the Blackburns, but we went to Louisville where we didn't have to pretend and we could be fully open in our relationship and love for each other.

I think it rubs me the wrong way simply because we're just repeating history. It's also going to stir up a lot of good memories that I've been trying to keep pushed firmly out of my mind.

"We agreed to keep this casual," I mutter, needing to have the final word, although my unwillingness to have him take me home means I've given in.

"Holland." He sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "I just thought it would be nice. A good meal, a comfortable hotel room versus a hard wooden dock. And yes, it's a special place to me and I'm guessing by your reaction, it's special to you as well."

I won't ever admit that he's right. In fact, I lie through my teeth. "It was a special place," I correct him. "That was eleven years ago, Trey. Now it's just a hotel, nothing more."

Trey chuckles and seals the trap. "Good. If it's just a hotel, nothing more, you should have no problem staying there with me tonight and using me as you see fit."

I seethe over how easy it is to play his game because he's just that confident he can make a dent in my walls. I stare out the window, the familiar scenery of Shelbyville blurring as we head toward Louisville. Trey says he's just looking for a nice evening but he's driving us toward a confrontation with our past.

Yes, I forgave him and I feel good about that decision. But as I told him the other night, this is all he gets. Some time together to have fun and then we'll say our goodbyes because I've got a life to get back to. He thinks taking me back to the place where we were able to be together without the shroud of secrecy we hid under at the farm will soften me, but nothing he can do or say will change what he did.

All my stuff was packed for the trip to UK tomorrow. My mom was going to drive me and as much as I'm going to miss Trey while I'm away at school, I'm also beyond excited to be out from under my parents' roof.

Trey has promised to visit me each weekend, as we're only an hour apart, but we're no longer going to need to hide. Tonight is when we sit down to tell the Blackburns that Trey and I are together and I'm more than a little nervous. Especially after getting a call from Trey not long ago asking if he could come over to talk.

Butterflies turned somersaults in my belly because his tone sounded grave, and I wondered what's going on. Mom was at church and Dad's passed out from an all-night bender, so I sat on the front porch and waited for Trey.

When his truck pulled into my driveway, I stood up and wiped the seat of my jeans, my hands sweaty from nerves. As soon as Trey stepped out of the truck, I knew something was seriously wrong. His face was etched with worry, his green eyes clouded with sorrow.

"What's the matter?" I demanded as I shot down the steps, my heart pounding. I had never seen him like this before and my fear was that someone was dead. "Is everyone okay?"

"Everyone's fine," he reassured me as he met me halfway across the front yard. He took my elbow and tugged me back toward the porch. "But we need to talk."

We sat on the top step I'd just vacated. Trey rested his elbows on his thighs, his hands hanging loose and his head bowed as if he needed to collect his thoughts.

"You're scaring me," I said with a nervous laugh.

Trey raised his head, lacing his fingers together and brought his tortured eyes to mine. "Wade's in love with you."

I blinked. "He's what?"

"In love with you." The words sounded bitter and Trey's lip actually curled in disdain. "Told me last night he'd been harboring feelings for you for a very long time. He wants to ask you out on a date."

Part of me wanted to laugh, but I didn't because I could see how conflicted Trey was about this. I was also a bit wary, because I didn't understand why he was here to talk about it. "You went ahead and told him we were together, right?"

I knew the answer by the flash of regret in Trey's eyes and he shook his head. "I actually told him he should ask you out."

"What the hell, Trey!" I exclaimed before bolting off the porch and turning to face him with fury. "You've put me in a bad position… making me be the one to have to turn him down so you don't look like the bad guy."

"I'm not going to be the bad guy," Trey whispered, his voice raw. "Because I'm not going to be in the picture."

I felt like my world was turning upside down, everything that was good going to shit. "What do you mean, you're not going to be in the picture? We're supposed to tell your family about us tonight. We were finally going to be a couple to the outside world. And now… you're saying you don't want that? You want to continue the secret?"

Trey shook his head again, pushing off the porch and coming to stand before me. "I'm saying that I cannot stand in the way of my brother if he has feelings for you. That I'm going to remove myself from the equation."

Fury raged through me. "Again, so I can be the bad guy. So Wade comes to me, confesses feelings and asks me out, and I have to turn him down. Why is that, you ask? Because I fucking love his brother, that's why. You honestly expect me to just forget about you and go out with him?"

Another shake of his head, as if he has this all figured out. "No, I know you'll turn him down because you don't care for him that way."

"I'm so confused. What's the point of this? Why didn't you just tell him?"

"Because I can't do that to him. I can't stand in his way because he really cares for you."

"And you don't care for me?" I demanded.

"I love you," he said sadly. "I always will. But I love my brother too, and he's invested in some sort of idea with you. I know that won't happen. I know you're going to turn him down and that's okay. I'd never expect you to do something you didn't want to do. But when it boils down to it, Holland… I can't continue on with you knowing my brother has feelings. Especially if we came out in the open. It would continually hurt him to see us together and I know he'd feel like a fool for telling me his feelings. I just can't… I can't hurt him that way."

"But you can hurt me," I whispered, the realization of what this really meant hitting me. "You're choosing to prevent Wade's bruised feelings over breaking my heart."

"Don't say it that way," he growled.

"It's true and you know it," I yelled, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You just don't have the fucking guts to say it."

"He's my goddamn brother, Holland. You want me to say it? Then fine, I'm going to choose him right now. You didn't hear him last night, how torn up he is about this. I can't hurt him and I won't. I thought you'd understand."

"Understand?" I mocked with a bitter laugh. "Oh, I understand. It's absolutely clear to me that you don't have any integrity and that you're selfish. On top of that you're an utter liar."

"I'm not a liar—"

"You are," I snapped. "You told me you loved me. That you were my best friend. That we'd always be together and at the first sign of trouble, you bail. You're a fraud, Trey Blackburn, and the thing that's clearest to me right now is that I'm better off without you."

Trey winced but I barreled past him, intent to head into the house and flop myself down on the bed so I could sob my eyes out in peace. I even braced that he might try to stop me to apologize, beg forgiveness, but he let me pass without a word. I didn't look back as I raced up the steps and slammed the door behind me, unafraid it would wake my dad up. He was practically comatose on the couch.

The tears were soaking my pillow as I heard Trey's truck pull out of the driveway. I stayed in my room the rest of the day and that evening, refusing to come out when my mom knocked. I told her I wasn't feeling well, and I had no clue how Trey explained my absence from the Blackburn dinner table that evening. I'd received texts from Kat and Abby asking if I was okay, and I told them I was sick. Wade also texted and was disappointed he couldn't see me before I left the next day, but the last thing I wanted to handle was his feelings. I was mired too deeply in my own.

I never heard from Trey.

The next morning, my mom and I hit the road super early for the drive to Lexington. I moved into my new dorm and settled into what I figured would be a temporary life. While I'd spent a lot of time that previous night crying and bemoaning my circumstances, I also started making plans. I'd start the semester at UK, but I was going to transfer to one of my backup colleges as soon as possible, hopefully immediately if my spot and scholarship was still available. Those schools were all out of state and I wanted to get as far away from my family, Shelbyville and Trey Blackburn as possible. I was leaving and I was never returning. I was going to forget about Trey, and I would never look back.

"Want to tell me what's got you in a mood?" Trey asks.

I jolt in my seat, turning to face him. "I'm in a mood because you're forcing me to go down memory lane."

Trey laughs. "No, you were in a mood before I arrived. No doubt, I exacerbated it. Assuming it's your mom."

It's funny how quickly I can open up to Trey. Despite my anger at him, and my unwillingness to let the past go, the one thing he has that no one else does is the perspective about my parents. Trey is the only one who ever knew what I faced at home, and he'd be the only one who understands what I'm facing right now.

But if I open up to him, purge my frustrations and even seek his advice, I'm not being true to my commitment to hold myself in reserve.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say.

"Fine," he says, holding up his hands briefly in surrender before putting them back on the steering wheel. "I'll sit quietly and drive. If you want to talk, pipe up. If you don't, that's fine too. When we get to Louisville, we'll check into The Brown first. If you just want to um… go fishing… and that's it, we'll go fishing. If you want to go eat dinner, we'll go eat dinner. If you want to talk, we'll talk. If you don't, you can glare at me all night."

I can't help myself. I snort in amusement but turn my head away from him so that he doesn't see my smile. I take advantage of his offer not to talk right now because I'm so conflicted, no telling what will come out.

So I keep my silence the entire way to Louisville.