Chapter 19

19

“Let me do your hair, Kacey?”

Tyson was like a parrot or something—bright, pretty, a little hard to understand, with one hell of a personality. It had been two days, and Kacey was exhausted just trying to keep up.

“There’s nothing to do with it…”

“What? Of course there is. Look at all these curls!” Tyson reached for him but stopped suddenly. “May I?”

“I guess?” Lord, Tyson wasn’t like anyone he’d ever met before. “Hell, sure. Just no cutting on it.”

River liked it, and he loved the way River’s fingers felt in it, so he was keeping it.

“No, no. It’s way too cute to cut.” Tyson’s fingers dove into his hair. “All these adorable poet’s curls.”

“Nobody’s ever called me adorable before…” But he took it in the way it was intended.

“Oh no, honey. You’re hot. The curls are adorable.” Tyson opened up a tub of something and rubbed whatever was in it on his hands, and then ran them through his hair again. “I’m just going to make you even hotter.”

He could handle hotter, he guessed. He didn’t mind the idea of River wanting on him. “So you been with your guy long?”

“Uh… seven years now, I guess? Honestly, it might as well be forever. I don’t even remember life without him. It’s weird because we just met randomly in an airport, and look where we are now. It’s crazy when you think about it.”

“That’s cool. Long-term stuff feels so easy.” Until it didn’t.

“It’s not always easy. But it’s worth it because when it’s good, it is so fucking good. And once you integrate the D/s stuff into your everyday, it’s so good. You just… float a lot. You don’t have to worry about anything. It’s great.”

“Is it real?” he whispered, half-hoping Tyson didn’t hear him. Because he was desperate to know.

Tyson spent another second on his hair, then sat with him. “You’re going to have to be more specific, honey. Is what real?”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I was just⁠—”

He didn’t even know how to finish that sentence…

They sat there quietly for a bit until finally Tyson took his hand. “You don’t have to trust me. But if you have questions, I can answer them. If you don’t trust me, you need to ask River. Soon. Now. Before we go to the club tonight.”

“I just…” He dared to twine his fingers with Tyson’s. “Things have been real hard, and then I found River and he’s like… a ninety-point ride. I want to figure all this out. I want to know if it’s true, that all this bullshit stress eases.”

“If it’s what you need, yes. It eases the bullshit, the noise, the worry, the anxiety. But you won’t know if it’s what you need unless you try it, right?”

“I don’t even know exactly what it is!” he whispered. “I tried to google. Then he said, don’t google, but… I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying, and I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong, but I don’t know that I’m really doing anything right.”

“Are you doing what he asks? Is he happy? Are you?” Tyson squeezed his fingers.

“I think so. I’m trying to. And God, I hope so.” He chuckled softly. “I’m a little confused, but happy with him? Yeah. He makes me…” Whole.

Tyson leaned in. “Feel safe? Does he fill in all the little cracks? Do you trust him just… because?”

Oh, fuck yes. He nodded, holding Tyson’s gaze. Just because.

Tyson smiled, eyes lighting up. “You’re doing everything right.”

“Yeah?” He sat up a little taller. “This is really new to me. I’m still learning how to do this. Thank you.”

“I know you’re learning.” Tyson winked at him, then let go of his hand and stood again. “That’s why I’m going to teach you a few things. The first thing is the hardest. Everything after that is way easier. Ready?”

Nope. “I can do hard things. Yeah. I’m ready.”

“Okay.” Tyson started messing with his hair again. “You have to be totally honest about everything all the time. Tell him everything. Things you don’t want to. Things you’ve never told anyone. All those things.”

“But… what if it’s… I don’t want to be a whiny bitch.” I need him to like me.

“Pfft. Stop that.” Tyson tugged on his hair. “You tell him everything. That’s the deal. You don’t want this, don’t take the deal.”

“How?”

“What?”

He shrugged. “I mean, you just talk and talk and talk? I’m not being glib. I just don’t know how to start.”

“You’ll know. Don’t worry about that. Just… when it comes up, tell the truth. And I’m not being glib either. Don’t stress that. He’ll ask, you’ll answer. Okay? Ready for the rest?”

Fuck, he could do that. It might be weird, but it was something he could understand. All right. One thing down. He nodded. “I’m ready.”

“Good.” Tyson pulled him over to the mirror. “Do everything he says. Don’t worry about why he wants what he wants. Just know if you’re doing what he says, he’s happy. Added benefit? He’s usually asking you to do stuff because it’s good for you too. Hot hair?”

He blinked, tilting his head. “It’s sparkly and… how did you make it look so much taller?”

“Product, honey. Do you like it?” Tyson fussed at a curl.

“It’s a little wild, but yeah. It’s different.” Maybe he needed a little different. “Good for a night out, right? You think he’ll like it?”

“I think he likes you, so he’s gonna love it. Third lesson? Keep him on his toes.”

“Be specific?” Because who the fuck knew what that meant in this situation.

“Well, he didn’t tell you not to put glitter in your hair. Did he?” Tyson grinned at him. “And suppose he tells you to kneel, but he doesn’t tell you not to mouth his cock through his jeans while you’re down there.”

His eyes damn near bugged out of his head for a second, and then he relaxed and barked out a relieved laugh. “Oh, thank God.”

“What? You thought you had to be, like, a robot or something?” Tyson laughed with him. “Please. Be yourself, have some fun. Don’t break the rules, you’ll get in trouble. Unless you want to break them on purpose.”

“No, but—it felt like this crazy irony that I get in a place where I’m not having to be in the closet, and I couldn’t be sexy with him…” Kacey had to ask. “Do you like it? Getting punished?”

Had he just asked that? Really?

“Well… Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I need it. Sometimes I learn something from it, or it makes me feel closer to Noel… Master Noel. I mean… I needed it the day we got here. Bad.”

“I’m trying to get it. I mean, I get doing things that you know are going to hurt because it’s part of you. Bull riding is like that. It’s a rush, but coming down hurts.” Although this seemed to be backasswards—this was hurting to get to the rush, maybe.

“Hurting just to hurt is useless. Hurting for a reason isn’t. Pain helps me focus, quiets my head, helps me see past all the… shit. Anxiety. Whatever. Look.” Tyson turned around and dropped his sweatpants all of a sudden, showing off his bruised ass. “Hurts when I walk, when I sit. Reminds me where my head should be, who I belong to. Also kind of turns me on. Good stuff.”

He blew out a hard breath, glancing away and back again. Jesus, how was he supposed to sort through all those feelings? Shock, arousal, jealousy, curiosity—it was huge. “Damn, man.”

Tyson wiggled his sweats back up. “Pretty, right? I better get dressed. What are you wearing?”

“Jeans and a decent T-shirt? I mean, last time I wore this vest deal…” And the cuffs. Whoa. He didn’t have a ton of clothes. River had bought him two pairs of jeans that fit and a couple of shirts, and he’d bought himself tighty-whities and socks and a pair of sneakers for while he decided whether to buy a new pair of boots or resole his work ones.

Tyson sighed. “Interesting. Master River’s boys are usually pretty decked out. Go show off your hair, honey, and tell Master Noel I’m ready for him.”

“Interesting? Am I supposed to do something else?” His temper popped up a little, and he rumbled. “I got six shirts and two pairs of jeans, man. I left with what I had in my duffel. I didn’t even get to keep my friggin’ toothbrush!”

Thank God he wasn’t broke dick too.

Tyson bit his lips closed and blinked at him.

“Oh, Jesus. I’m sorry. That wasn’t cool. I got me a little temper, and that’s a sore spot.” He held out his hand, feeling like he’d kicked a puppy. “Forgive me?”

“Yeah.” Tyson pulled him into a hug. “Yeah. Totally.”

He hugged Tyson hard, just holding on for a few seconds. “I’ll go tell your man you’re ready. Thanks for everything.”

Tyson watched him carefully. “Uh-huh. Thanks.”

God, now the man thought he was insane. Shit. The first chance he had to make a friend, and he blew it by not keeping his mouth shut.

He was a fucking moron.

He went out to the front room and just waited for someone to stop talking.

Noel saw him first. “Look at you, Kacey. Did Tyson do that for you?”

River turned his way, a look of curiosity turning into a big grin as he stood. “You’re sparkly. Wow. Come here.”

“Tyson asked me to tell you he’s ready for you, sir.” He went, finding a smile.

“Oh, thank you very much.” Noel gave his shoulder a squeeze as he left the room.

“Are you okay?” River played with his hair a little, looking at him like he was new, different.

“I am.” I think I hurt Tyson’s feelings and I need a drink so bad and I have a headache and I know I’m supposed to talk to you, but you see how that worked with Tyson and he’s nowhere near as important as you are. “Are you looking forward to tonight?”

“I am. I have some plans for us. You look great. Are you ready to get dressed?” River’s hand slid around his shoulders and pulled him close as they walked toward the bedroom.

“Yes, sir.” He leaned his cheek against River, wanting to just dump out all that was in his gut.

River stopped him in the middle of the bedroom and opened the big armoire in the corner of the room. “Maybe something heavier today. You have something on your mind.”

“Heavier? I do. Lots.” Like a lot a lot.

“Mhm. Something Tyson said?” River pulled a couple of things out and set them on the bed.

“No. Yes. I mean, he gave me advice, and then I’m not sure it’s the best advice.” That was reasonable, right?

“Well, do you want to run it by me?” River started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” And Kacey had to have faith that River would understand. “He said to tell you everything, but when I told him something, I hurt his feelings, and I don’t want to hurt yours.”

“You won’t. Unfortunately, it’s easy to do with Tyson. I’ve done it too. He’ll forgive you, don’t worry.” River slid his shirt off and traded it for a blindfold. “Want this?”

There was a wealth of understanding in those two words, and that was why he could nod. Because River got it.

It was safer in the dark.

River tied it in place without hesitation, then caught his chin and kissed him gently. “I’m right here, boy. I’m listening, and I know your safewords.”

He took a deep inhale, filling his lungs, and then let it out, the words sliding out with it. “I have a headache, and I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, I swear, but—he seemed to think I could just dress up, and all the good stuff that was mine is gone. Everything is gone like it didn’t mean anything. But I hate that I messed up with Tyson, and I want a shot of something, just to take the edge off, but most of all, I want to be someone you like…”

Suddenly, he was in River’s arms, held close. “I like you very much, boy.”

He snuggled in for a second, breathing deeply. “I’m glad. I’m really glad.”

He was going to get River glittery.

“The things you lost meant something to you and that’s important. And I’m so sorry they’re gone now. But I’m here—your Dom, your lover, and I hope your friend.” River’s voice was deep and soft.

“You are. You are my friend and my lover. And I want you to know that I’m not awful—I know it could be worse and that I have some money saved, but… it was everything I had.”

“You’re allowed to miss things, boy. You’re allowed to miss people too, and things you did, and places you were. That doesn’t make you awful. It makes you human. It makes you real.”

“I don’t miss them. They can fuck right the hell off. But I liked my truck, and there were things that I left home with that are gone, forever.” He let himself grin. “Those assholes? I would beat with a shovel.”

River let him go. “I’m so sorry, boy.”

Had he done something wrong? Jesus, he just wanted to chill. “It’s all good. I’m here with you now.”

“You are.” River started moving his arms, placing something that sat on his shoulders, had a little weight, and he rocked a little as River cinched something in the back. “Too tight?”

“Mmm… no. No. It’s solid. Not too tight.” What was it?

He heard River move away and come back again. “Good. Do you like how it feels?” River lifted his wrist and fastened on what he assumed was a cuff like the one he had before, only this one was both softer inside and heavier.

He rolled his shoulders, arching his back and rolling his pelvis as he felt the weight and the pull across his pecs. “It’s different, like a… support. I do like it.”

“I’m glad, because you look amazing right now. Are you wearing your boots tonight?”

Ha. Not tonight. “I think I’m going to go with the running shoes. I need to get my boots resoled. The holes go straight through.”

“Sounds like what you might need are some new boots. We’ll go shopping later in the week. Are your sneakers in the closet?” River’s voice trailed off as he opened the closet door.

“Yes, sir. Next to your brown hiking boots.” He found himself moving, like he was getting ready to ride, but more languid, like he was flowing.

“I found them. Two big steps forward, turn around, and sit.”

“I—” Okay, he could do this. River wouldn’t let him fall, and if he did? Falling was his job. He took the steps, then turned and sat, trusting River.

River’s hand landed on his back, warm against his skin, and guided him down. “Good boy.” The next thing he knew, River was tying on his running shoes.

“Thank you?” It was unusual and weird, but still dear. Kind.

“Okay. Stand up. Let me look at you.”

He stood, and River steered him a few steps away from the bed. He could feel River circling him.

“Perfect. Ready?”

“If you’re happy, I am.” He reached up for the blindfold, hoping he didn’t mess up his hair.

“Uh-uh.” River stopped him, taking his hands. “We’re leaving that on.”

He wasn’t tracking. “I thought we were going out?” Tyson was super excited.

“We are. And I want you to feel safe, so, I’m leaving you in the dark. I’ve got you.” River put an arm around his waist. “You’re fine. Let’s go see if Noel is ready.”

“Are you… you’ll stay with me, right? I trust you.” He might trust other people someday, but that wasn’t going to be today.

“You will be by my side the whole time. I’m not going to leave you with anyone, or on your own. You can’t see, boy. Your safety is entirely my responsibility.” River kissed his temple. “I promise. And you have your safewords. You can use them any time. Any time at all.”

“All right. I believe in you.” He leaned in for a second, took a deep breath, and said, “Sir.”