Chapter 15

15

River held Kacey’s hand as they walked into the club. He was feeling tall in his boots and black button-down, but he’d swapped out his leather pants for blue jeans because that was pretty much all Kacey had right now, and he didn’t want the boy to feel out of place. At least the ones Kacey had on tonight were new Wranglers that they’d bought earlier in the week, and they fit Kacey like a glove.

The leather vest Kacey had on fit him well too, it was skintight in fact, and light cuffs finished off the outfit just right.

Kacey hadn’t complained, but then again, he hadn’t really said he liked it either.

But River wasn’t going to worry about that. They both needed a little trial by fire. They’d been playing house all week, and he’d been very happy until Noel read him the riot act over the phone.

This might be fun for a couple of weeks, but long-term you need more, and it’s not fair to Kacey.

He’d growled and hung up on Noel, then called him back an hour later to ask what he needed to do.

The answer was this.

“Take him out. Show him what you need from him. See if he needs this from you. This isn’t what we do; it’s who we are, man.”

Kacey was doing as so many new subs did. No talking, no looking, no interacting.

“Evening, Sir.”

“Good evening, Deacon.”

“May I say hello to your boy?”

He smiled at Deacon, setting such a good example for a new sub. “Yes, of course.”

“Hey, Kacey. Good to see you again. You look great.”

“Thanks. Better than last time, huh?”

Deacon winked at Kacey. “Life is like that. You were handsome then, you’re more handsome now.”

“I’m proud of him,” River said and gave Deacon a wave. He put an arm around Kacey’s shoulders and kept his boy close as they made their way through the weekend crowd.

It was slammed today, the club filled and loud with the hum of low conversation. River loved this sound. He would admit too, that he loved the subs coming up toward him, then fading away, disappointed. No one was used to him coming in with a sub on his arm, not even himself.

He bent so Kacey could hear him more easily. “I thought we’d go sit for a minute and let you people-watch.”

“Thank you, sir. This is something.”

Kacey’s respectful “sir” made him stand up taller. “Good boy. It is. It’s worth sitting a minute to take it all in.” He wanted Kacey to understand what he meant by safe, to see men doing what made them happy with no judgment. He pulled the boy over to a small table. He tugged a chair back from the table and sat, then offered his boy a spot on his lap.

Kacey’s gaze went panicked for a second, then curious, then questioning.

Then Kacey inhaled and sat, leaning in.

“Good boy.” He was already so proud of Kacey’s trust. He kissed his boy’s temple. “If you kneel like everyone else, you won’t be able to see.”

“There’s a lot to see,” Kacey whispered. “This is wild.”

This wasn’t wild. Wild wouldn’t happen until much later in the night. “This is pretty normal for a Saturday night. Lots of Doms with their subs wanting to hang out, play. If we stay long enough, we might get to dance.”

Oh, that made his boy smile and wiggle a bit on his thigh. “Honkytonks aren’t like this. Not at all.”

Winter’s boy sauntered by, made up and corseted, eyes focused totally on his master. It was almost impossible not to admire the work Winter took in creating his boy’s look. It was pure art.

“That’s another Texan, in the corset.” River had to grin. “Who knew they made so many subs in Texas?”

Kacey’s lips opened, then snapped shut over whatever he was trying to say.

He chuckled. “I was joking, boy. Mostly. I guess we don’t know if you’re a sub yet. Hm?” He knew. Well, he was very sure, anyway. But Kacey needed to learn that on his own.

“Huh?” Kacey’s head tilted, and his confusion was crystal clear.

“Why don’t we wander a bit? See what interests you?”

Kacey nodded to him and stood up, hand offered to him to help him up.

He took Kacey’s hand and stood, not that he needed help, but because it was sweet and thoughtful. He pulled a double-headed dog clip out of his pocket and held it in front of Kacey’s eyes. “Remember you have safewords.”

Then he attached the clip to the D-rings on Kacey’s cuffs.

Kacey frowned, teeth sinking into his bottom lip, but he didn’t say a word.

He caught Kacey by the nape and kissed his boy. It wasn’t for show; he made sure it was honest and that Kacey felt that. “Good boy.”

Kacey grabbed his free hand in his fingers and squeezed them tight before releasing. “You got me.”

He nodded. Those three words said everything he needed to hear. “Come with me.”

River led Kacey through the crowd with one hand on his boy’s shoulder, not surprised at how people shifted and gave them room. They stopped in the doorway to one of the public playrooms, where Kacey could get an eyeful. There was a boy chained to a wall, another shackled on the couch, one bent over a spanking bench. There were others too, all with devoted Doms giving them their full attention. No one even glanced up as they stepped into the room.

Kacey’s eyes went wide, and then his gaze hit the floor like his attention was glued there.

River bent to Kacey’s ear and whispered. “They’re in this room because they like to be watched, boy. Have a look. It’s okay.”

Kacey met his eyes, whispering back. “Yeah? I don’t want to be nasty.”

He didn’t balk as their eyes met; rules were fine, but there were reasons to break them. “It’s okay. I promise. This is one of our public rooms. They could be in a private one if they wanted to be.”

He’d brought a sub in here from time to time, not because he wanted to be observed but because the boy he was with needed to be pushed that way. It was either a punishment or a challenge. Rarely was it for pleasure.

Kacey gave him a nod and a half-grin, then leaned into him, keeping contact as he glanced around the room, curious but not gawking.

He decided to narrate, let Kacey know what he was looking at. “The boy on the wall is Peter. He’s a good boy. He’s there because his Dom likes the short whips. And that’s Jake on the spanking bench; he’s very into ass play. Armie is the one on the couch, and I’m guessing he’s about to be very well fucked.”

“Just… right here?” Kacey whispered. “And how does good and whip go together?”

Well, that was an opening. “You want to find out?”

“That feels like a trick question, but that doesn’t seem like you at all.” He wasn’t sure if Kacey was talking to him or to himself.

“No.” He smoothed a hand down Kacey’s arm. “I won’t ever trick you, boy.”

“Thank you, sir. My chickens are a little scattered.”

River wasn’t sure what that meant. Kacey was confused? Overwhelmed? He’d better figure it out. It was his job to know. “Hm? What’s on your mind?”

“I—is there somewhere we could talk together without being rude for a minute, please? I don’t want to distract these folks.”

“Yes.” They went and got a key from Deacon; then he steered his boy to a private room. River closed the door, and the noise of the club disappeared.

“Thank you. I would feel so bad if folks thought I was an ass. I didn’t know how to answer you in a couple of words.” Kacey took a deep breath. “I didn’t know how to answer your question, because I don’t understand—I’ve never seen anything like that with my eyes, you know? Like all those men. Together. Being all… them.”

Whoa. “All right. Let me help you understand.” Talking wasn’t going to do it. He could change course. He unclipped Kacey’s hands and put the clip back in his pocket. “Take off your vest, then go stand with your hands against the wall.”

Kacey started working off his vest, expression concerned, worried. “Did I mess up?”

“No, no. I just thought it would be better to show you rather than… talk.” He pulled a blindfold out of one of the chests. “You’re doing just fine.”

“Oh. Oh, cool. Thank you, sir.” Kacey grinned at him, cheeks pink as he folded his vest and set it on a chair before moving to the wall. “Better to ask than to assume, right?”

“Always. You should absolutely ask anything you want. Always.” He helped Kacey settle in a way that would be comfortable, then tied the blindfold on. “But don’t worry about making mistakes. We’re going to make them, both of us. There are a lot of reasons I might redirect like I did just now, but it’s not because you made a mistake.”

Kacey rolled his shoulders, drawing them up before relaxing them down. “Good, because I’m trying to not embarrass you.”

“Not going to happen. There’s nothing you can do that will embarrass me. Now, if you do something to embarrass me on purpose, then I might get upset.” He ran his hands over Kacey’s bare back. “But you’re not going to do that.”

“No, sir.” Kacey arched into his touch with a happy little hum. “You’re good to me. I wouldn’t disrespect you like that.”

“I know.” He left his boy where he was and opened up another cabinet. “And I won’t disrespect you either.” He pulled out a light flogger and made his way back to his boy. “What are your safewords?”

“Red for stop right now and yellow for I need to talk to you and breathe.”

“Perfect. And the promise you made me is that you’ll use them if you need them.” River flipped his wrist and brought the falls of the flogger down lightly on Kacey’s shoulders.

Kacey’s head tilted, as if he were listening, trying to understand.

“Let’s talk about things you enjoy. Like drawing, for instance. These may seem like silly questions, but bear with me. Why do you enjoy drawing?” He asked his questions without a single mention of the flogger, rolling his wrist again, letting the flogger fall gently, over and over.

“I—it sounds stupid, but it’s like… like… opening a faucet and letting some pressure out a drop at a time. And I like the sound of the pencil on the paper.”

That he understood. “So, that’s a quiet but slow way of releasing some stress. That’s good for you, isn’t it?”

“Yes, sir. It’s real good. Important.” Kacey was relaxing under the rhythm of the falls.

“I agree. Tell me something else you enjoy? Little things, big things, it doesn’t matter.” He went a little harder, only so the falls would feel heavier, more substantial.

“Our talks in the dark. I like the dark.” That last one was almost a whisper.

He knew that about his boy; he hadn’t even thought twice about finding a blindfold for their work tonight. “I know you do. Tell me why, if you know.”

“It’s safe. I’ve never been scared of the dark. I’ve always felt like that was my… place.”

That gave him something to dig into. He changed up his pattern along with his tone. “Why is the light not safe?”

“I—” Kacey shrugged, dipped his chin, hiding from him. “I didn’t say that, did I?”

He paused, the room going dead quiet. “No? Did you not just say you like the dark because it’s safe?”

His boy nodded. “I did. It’s safe because nobody can see. I have a bad poker face. Everyone says so.”

“I don’t understand.” He started up again, two on one side, two on the other. “Why do you need a poker face?”

“Why…” Kacey arched toward him a little, those lean muscles rippling. “Everyone needs that. Otherwise, folks know stuff.”

Poor boy. River didn’t think Kacey saw where this was headed. Maybe that was for the best. “What don’t you want them to know?”

He barely heard Kacey’s whisper. “He doesn’t ask trick questions.” Then louder, “Secrets? Stuff that’s private? You know, important things. Even, like, if you feel something.”

“Your feelings are secret?”

“Well, sure.” Like that was the most logical, reasonable thing on earth.

“Why?” He was tempted to go a little harder with the flogger, but his boy’s back was already pink, and he wasn’t sure what Kacey could handle yet.

Those shoulders rolled again. “I don’t know. Because? I mean, I didn’t make the rules.”

“What do you think the rules are, boy?” He went harder then, the flogger making a light snap against his boy’s shoulder.

“Oh!” Kacey started to breathe a little faster. “Cowboy up. Don’t be a baby. Don’t get caught. Make folks proud. Normal stuff.”

He swung again, other shoulder. “What do you think the rules are about feelings?”

It took a second for Kacey to answer. “Don’t have them, as best you can.”

“Time for new rules.” Those things were deeply a part of Kacey and he knew it. It would take more than his say-so, but he had to start somewhere. “My boy. My rules.”

“New rules? I remembered to do it right in here, huh?” Kacey chuckled softly, and it sounded a little raw. “You make it hard to think.”

“The only thing thinking will do for you now is tempt you to keep your secrets from me.” River kept up the blows for now, but he’d have to take a break soon before a tired arm made his aim off. “I’m proud of you for what you’ve learned so far. So, new rule? No secrets. None. Nothing. You tell me everything.”

“But I want you to like me!” The words were honestly horrified, possibly terrified.

The emotion in Kacey’s voice made his skin tingle and his balls ache. “What could you possibly say that would make me not like you?”

“All sorts of things. Sometimes I’m mean and angry and ugly. Sometimes I need a shot just to be okay. Sometimes I have to hide. I’m trying to be a good human, but I’m not there yet.”

He had no idea what Kacey was talking about. None at all. But he knew one thing. “You’ve been nothing but good to me, boy. But another rule—no drinking. You’re dry now. If you need a shot, you come talk to me.”

“What? Why? What did I do wrong?”

His boy needed to understand that the rules weren’t punishment, but they were work.

“Nothing. I’m just not going to let you take the easy road anymore. I’m here for you now, and you don’t need to hide behind anything.” If Kacey needed to be mean and ugly, River wanted him to do it, and then work through it.

“I don’t know what you mean!” Kacey blew out a frustrated breath. “Yellow. Can I have a drink of water? Please? This is hard.”

He tossed the flogger on the floor. “Of course. Relax. Move around.” He pulled two waters from a little cooler in the corner.

Kacey faced out, blindfold on, and bent forward, holding his knees and leaning his butt against the wall, breathing hard.

He put a bottle in Kacey’s hand, then tugged the blindfold up on his boy’s forehead. “I understand this is hard.” It was hard by design. He needed Kacey to be vulnerable, River needed to know that he could be too. That required honesty and adherence to his rules. It required River to be in control.

“Yeah. I’m a little stressed out.” Kacey downed the bottle of water in a hard series of gulps, cheeks going bright red as he didn’t breathe.

“Fair. Explain it to me so I can help.” He sipped his water more slowly and stepped back, giving Kacey room to move if he wanted to.

“I just… I don’t know what… I mean, I want to be good at this. It’s important, but I fuck things up, and if I do… Like not a mistake, like a horrible fuckup, then it’ll break my heart and shit.”

“Kacey.” He helped his boy straighten up, then took his hands and pinned them to the wall with his own weight. “You can’t fuck this up. You can break the rules, but that has consequences, and then you’re forgiven. That’s how this works. It’s not about being good at it, it’s about being yourself. It’s about giving me control, letting me worry about what you need so you don’t have to worry about anything.”

“Please don’t say that. I don’t want to cry. It’s not cool.” The restraint immediately relaxed Kacey, though, and River took that to heart.

“Cry.” He made sure it sounded like the order it was. “I don’t care about cool. Cry, boy. If telling you that I’m not walking away from you no matter what you do makes you cry, then do it.” He leaned close to Kacey, lips just an inch away from his boy’s. “Cry. Do it.”

“Stop it! That’s not right. I want to be decent. I’m not… I’m not a… a…” Kacey closed his eyes, squeezing them tight. “I’m not a titty baby. I’m not. I’m just a little out of my league.”

River couldn’t undo Kacey’s upbringing and lessons learned the hard way in one night, but he could do this. He needed to do this. “You’re neither of those things. Men are allowed to cry. Real men, who feel things deeply, do it all the time. It doesn’t make you a baby. And I didn’t hear a safeword, boy, so either let yourself feel it and follow my orders, or tap out.”

“That’s why I told you! I told you I like the dark. I don’t want to feel things deeply. I’m tired of holding all of it.” Kacey’s chest hitched in a swallowed sob.

“I’m right here.” He squeezed Kacey’s wrists to make his point and brought his voice down. “Let it go, boy. Don’t hold it anymore. Give it to me.”

“But it’s heavy…” Kacey rested his forehead on River’s shoulder, his boy sniffling, cheeks burning.

“I’m strong, boy. So you don’t have to be. All you have to be is mine.” He lowered Kacey’s hands and rested them on his hips. “Give it to me.”

Kacey wrapped around him, holding on tight. The soft sobs were hidden in the curve of his neck.

“That’s right. That’s it boy.” River held him close, whispering to him, encouraging him, trying to make sure his boy felt safe.

“I never wanted nothing like I want us.” The words were soft, raw, and bleeding with honesty, and River swore he felt them sink into his soul.

He pulled his boy in tighter. He hadn’t known what he had with Kacey was even possible for him. “I wasn’t sure I had what you needed, but I am now. Your secrets are my secrets. You are safe with me.”

Kacey cuddled into him, sucking air. “It’s so scary, but—I will be yours. I got nothing but that to offer you. Just all my whole soul.”

The gift was everything, and River couldn’t believe that Kacey didn’t see that. But he would. “My boy. How could anyone ask for more?”

Kacey glanced up at him, tears on his lashes, expression open and vulnerable as hell.

River wiped away some tears with his thumb. “You really are beautiful.” He caught Kacey’s chin and brought their lips together, trying to back up his words with as much emotion as Kacey was giving him.

“I’m glad you think so. It’s just right.”

And just that simple. Everything else might be complicated, but not this. “Just right.”