Chapter 12

12

As River stood in the near-empty playroom with Kacey, part of him was thinking, be careful what you wish for. He had Kacey’s attention and the boy’s trust, and it was time to figure out exactly what to do with it. The other part of him was repeating Noel’s words over and over: you know what to do with a boy who is too in his head, River.

He knew. Kacey wasn’t going to like it, but he knew.

“I need you to tell me what happened. Who he was, who he was to you, how it all went down.”

“He… he was… I thought he was my lover. We’d been together a few years. I was blowing him when someone walked in the hotel room. He started acting drunk, said I drugged and forced him. They beat me up, threw me out. The official story is that I was disaffiliated for acting inappropriately. Sponsors are gone; I got what I left with and my bank account. The end.”

There was an emptiness there, a dullness, like his boy had repeated those words in his head a hundred times.

“Just the facts, hm?” River crossed the room to the cabinet and opened it up. There were plenty of light restraints and low-impact tools in it, but for now, he only pulled out a blindfold. He took it back to the center of the room where Kacey was waiting for him. “Close your eyes, boy.”

“Okay.” Kacey looked at him curiously, then closed them, and he tied the blindfold in place.

“Good boy. You can’t see me, but I’m not going to leave the room. Describe your lover to me.”

“Do I have to? I don’t want to think about him ever again.”

Poor boy. But there was some work to be done. “You have to think about him long enough to let him go. Tell me how you feel about him now.”

“I hate the motherfucker. I want to hurt him as bad as he hurt me. Worse.” Kacey’s hands tried to curl into tight fists, but they weren’t healed enough for that yet.

“Of course you do. I would too.” River had to wonder if the guy was actually an asshole, or if he was terrified of losing everything too. Not that it mattered anymore; that one lie had landed Kacey where he was now. “But you won’t be able to, and hate is a heavy load to bear.”

Kacey nodded, head dipping like it was too weighted to hold up. “It is, but I’m not a good man like that. A man of God could just forgive and forget, but I can’t. I got hurt deep in my heart.”

He rested a hand on Kacey’s chest, just over his heart. “You don’t need to be a man of God to heal that.”

“I hope so, but I don’t know how. I don’t know hardly any hows anymore.”

“You don’t have to. That’s my job. All you need to do is stay honest, which sounds easy, but I know it’s not always. How do you feel about the blindfold?”

“It’s okay. It’s soft.” Kacey exhaled long and slow. “It’s like talking in the dark.”

Talking in the dark.

Part of him really felt like all he had to do was take Kacey to bed with him, and all would be well. He’d love to have a good long talk in the dark with the boy all wrung out and resting in his arms.

They’d made passes, there had been a little innuendo, but River didn’t want to take advantage. He needed something. Buy-in. An understanding. Something explicit… first.

“I’m glad you heard me, about just it being you. I needed you to hear me.”

“It isn’t hard to listen, boy. And you were very clear. Sam needed to be heard too. That’s why he was here.” He got the impression Kacey hadn’t spoken up much in his former life.

“Yeah, I guess. Hopefully, he got what he needed.” There was a hint of bitterness in the boy’s voice.

He was determined to put that friendship back together, and unfortunately that lay squarely on Kacey’s shoulders. “I’m not sure he did, entirely. Tell me why you’re upset with Sam.”

It took four or five breaths before Kacey rumbled. “’m not. I’m fucking jealous of him, and I hate it.”

That confession really shouldn’t have made him smile; the poor boy was dealing with such difficult emotions. It did, though, because he knew he could help. He was already trying. “I understand. Sam is a remarkable man, and he has found an enviable life. But he was where you are now for a while—different circumstances of course, but alone and lost all the same. You’re already on a better path, boy. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah, until I fuck it up. That’s the worst part, knowing you’re not going to be able to make it work. I just… shit, man. I was trying, and all my eggs were in that basket. Even if I’d been hurt bad, there would have been… Oh, it don’t matter.” Kacey blew out a hard breath. “All that matters is that I’m here, and you don’t want me to go yet.”

River swallowed hard against a sudden need to pull Kacey into his arms and show him how much he wanted the boy to stay. It was going to happen, but the timing had to be… just right.

He helped Kacey sit on the floor and sat with him, taking a deep breath to make sure he was settled. “I can take that burden from you, boy. You just have to trust me so we can move forward together. I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go. I like you. You got a horseman’s energy.”

He took Kacey’s hands firmly in his hands and held them down on the floor. “What does that mean?”

Kacey arched his back a little, testing his grip, then exhaled and leaned in toward River just a bit. “You ever met a person that could walk in a pen with a horse that was losing his shit, just bucking and biting and kicking, and they can stand there and be, and that critter just eases? That’s the man that can train them to bridle and harness, can get them to wear a saddle and blanket, even when no one else can. It’s not breaking, it’s—I don’t know. But you got that. You ain’t got a horse, but that would be tough in your apartment…”

He held firm without explaining himself, keeping Kacey’s hands pinned to the floor. “One could argue you were just as wild, boy. Drinking and fighting. Arguing with people you know are your friends. Cautiously keeping one foot out the door, even though you have a safe home.”

That earned him another tug, harder this time, but his grip was rewarded with more of that heady relaxation. “Maybe more, but you got to admit I apologized to Sam. I said what I did wrong, and I am sorry I got him hurt.”

“You did, and I know he heard you. Of course, your plan was to apologize and never speak to him again. Running away isn’t the right answer.”

“How do you know? It might be best for him…” Kacey’s question surprised him—not because he asked it, but because of the tone. It was a question, not rhetorical, not sarcastic. Simply an honest question.

His boy did test his grip again, though.

“That’s not for you to decide. You don’t know what’s best for Sam. Only he and his Master can decide that.” That test was his to fail now. He pressed down a little harder so Kacey knew he was paying attention.

Kacey sighed softly, frowning deep. “I don’t know what to believe. I really don’t. It sounds like… I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be.”

“Be mine.” He was careful not to make his words either a question or a demand, just a simple suggestion. “All the questions, the decisions, the worry will become unnecessary.”

Kacey’s breath sped, his boy tensing, beginning to shake. “Don’t tease me. That’s not fair…”

He moved his hands to Kacey’s wrists and gripped them tightly, then lifted them, sitting Kacey upright. “Boy. Have I ever? I’m very serious. But you have to understand that when I say mine, I mean everything. Every bit of you. I want your thoughts, your time, your secrets, your body. All of it. Ask your questions. Make sure you understand.”

“Why me?” Oh, there was a load of meaning in those two little words.

It might have been a hard question to ask, but the answer was easy. “Because I need someone who needs me. Because I like you. Because you’re beautiful.”

The blush was dark, deep, and a tear escaped from the blindfold, but Kacey’s voice was relatively calm when he asked, “What happens next?”

What I’ve been waiting for.

He’d been given beautiful gifts before by earnest subs, and he’d had more than one incredible Top’s high. But he’d never felt a rush like this one. He was glad he was sitting down because the pounding of his heart and the roar in his ears made him lightheaded.

He tugged Kacey closer by the wrists and kissed him.

Kissing Kacey was like connecting with a live wire, electricity buzzing through him like a swarm of bees. Kacey’s fingers twisted into his clothes, holding him tight.

When he felt himself getting lost in the sensation, he broke it off so they could breathe and he could figure out what the hell had just happened. He let go of Kacey’s wrists, not surprised or concerned that he’d left bruises, and removed the blindfold.

He wiped away the damp tears hidden under the leather and kissed Kacey’s forehead. “My boy.”

“I can go home with you.” It wasn’t a question.

He smiled, making sure Kacey saw it. “You have to go home with me.”

He stood up and offered the—his boy—a hand up.

They headed homewithout a beer or saying much of anything. It was quiet, but not ugly, and Kacey had his art supplies in the hand that River wasn’t holding.

His brain was exhausted, he thought, but that was okay. He wasn’t sure he was ready to be all perky. Today had been heavy, hard in a few ways.

He’d kissed River.

That had been hard in a totally different way.

A chuckle wanted out, so bad.

“Welcome home,” River said as he opened the door to the apartment. “After you.”

“Thank you.” It felt… bigger this time. More important. Heavier.

River locked the door. “Why don’t you put your art supplies away and get comfy?”

“Yessir.” He headed into his room, put the supplies away, and slipped his boots off. Then, whoa, dirty socks. Nasty.

He slipped those off and headed into the living room, barefooted.

He didn’t find River there, and he waited a minute unsure what he was supposed to do next.

“Kacey.” River appeared in the doorway to his bedroom wearing sweatpants and… sweatpants. “Come on.”

Damn, that man was too fine for color TV. “Coming. Sorry, I didn’t know what you wanted.”

“I know. I didn’t tell you.” River held a hand out and smiled at him. “I did say get comfy, though. Did you need help with your jeans?”

“Oh… I—” He chuckled softly. He’d been so concerned with his gross socks he hadn’t thought about the rest of the rest. “I’m not all the way with it.”

River pulled him in as soon as he got close enough and his cheek pressed right up against a broad chest, and fuzzy, warm skin. “This was a very good day. Thank you.”

“Oh.” He kissed River’s chest, the scent of River making his eyes cross. No day would ever be like today was. It was impossible. “Thank you.”

River let go and stepped out of the way. “Come on in.”

The room was big and had a platform bed with a thick comforter against a black slate wall. The other walls were different shades of gray, and one wall had a couple of big windows with heavy curtains and a view of a river beyond the rooftops.

“Let’s get you out of your jeans.”

“You got a pretty room.” He opened his belt, catching the jeans before the weight of the buckle dragged them clean off.

“Thank you.” River took them as soon as he got them off and laid them over a bench, then pulled him toward the bed. “Why are your jeans so big?”

“Because they were my work jeans, so they were loose, and I’ve lost a little weight in the last few weeks.” Simple as that.

“We’re going to go shopping.” River threw back the comforter and climbed in, then waved him over. “Another day. Tonight I just want to… be. Talk. Explore a little.”

“Yes. Please.” They’d just come back. He wanted to be, just like River said. Shopping for clothes was… the least fun thing ever.

River helped him settle so they were mostly sitting up in the pillows. “You did very well at the club tonight. You worked hard. You were honest. You trusted me, which is a gift, you know.”

“I—” Talking in the dark. He was good at that. “I wanted it to be you. I believe that you won’t… use it against me, my hurting. I’m not saying Sam and Thomas would, but I’m saying I believe you won’t.”

River took a breath in and let it out slowly, but answered just as he was thinking he should worry. “Use it against you… how? In what way? And please remember, this is a private conversation. I’m listening, I’m not judging. Nothing you say will be wrong or upset me. I’m just trying to understand you.”

He thought that was pretty clear, to be honest, but he’d try again. “You know how it is, when things get dirty, like really you’re fighting, and then all the private stuff comes up that someone can use? Like ‘you’re queer’ or ‘you cry at sad movies’ or ‘sometimes you get scared’ of well… whatever.” He wasn’t admitting to being scared. “It’s nasty, but it can happen, and right now, I got a lot of hurting that someone could use against me.”

“Ah. Well, that won’t happen. Not with me and thank you for that trust. But it won’t happen with anyone at the club either, and that includes Thomas and Sam. That is a safe space. Everyone there has issues we deal with every day or have dealt with in our past. If you stood in the middle of the bar and asked for help, literally everyone would offer. I can guarantee there’s nothing you’ve been through that someone there can’t relate to. But as for here, everything stays between us unless one of us needs even more help.”

“I appreciate that.” He didn’t know if he believed that, that any public place was safe like that, that folks really cared, but he loved that River believed it. That he thought it was true.

Kacey had thought he was safe with Mitch and his group of buddies, too, but when things went pear-shaped, they left fast.

Maybe it was just him… maybe he was just a newborn fool.

River kissed his temple. “You’ll see. So, you liked the blindfold?”

“I don’t know if I liked it, but I was in a bad state. It did make it easier to talk, for sure.” Which was dumb, because he knew full well that the dark didn’t mean he was safe, but hearts were stupid things. “And it was soft and comfortable too. So I guess I did.”

“It’s interesting how taking certain senses out of the equation makes things easier. You have less to focus on, less to worry about. The blindfold helps because it makes your surroundings smaller; there are fewer distractions so it helps you center. I think you did like it; it let you relax.”

“It’s easier in the dark.” Everything was, in a weird way. Kacey knew it was more normal to be scared of the dark, but he just wasn’t. The dark hid things so he didn’t have to work so hard at doing that himself.

“I’ll remember that. Do you want to talk about being restrained?” River asked that question so carefully, he could tell.

He tilted his head, nodded. “Sure. I can talk about it. I know lots about ropes, believe it or not. Not in the way you’re talking, but it’s got a common thread.”

Thread. Heh. That was like a teeny tiny mouse rope.

“Okay, cowboy,” River’s tone was amused. “So, if you know so much, why did you fight me? And, why didn’t you try to win?”

“Huh?” He frowned, trying to figure out what River meant. “Fight you? We didn’t fight. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“No, we didn’t fight. Sorry, that was a poor choice of words. I pinned your hands down…”

“Oh… yeah.” He closed his eyes. “Your hands were warm, strong.” They’d been a good anchor.

“Good. That’s just fine. I’m glad.” River’s fingers moved up under his shirt. “I’m doing all the talking. You can ask me anything, you know. Anything you want.”

His abs rolled under the touch, and he hummed. “God, that feels good. So, how did you figure all this out? This… Hell, I don’t even know what it’s called.”

River chuckled softly. “The hard way. I figured everything out the hard way. I scared off a couple of lovers. I even got arrested once… I made a lot of mistakes until I moved here and met people that understood me.”

“Oh, damn.” He reached over and covered River’s hand with his. “That sounds like it sucks so hard. I’m not scared.”

“I’ve heard that about bullriders. Tough as nails and not scared of anything. Probably good because we’ll both make some mistakes while we’re figuring each other out.”

“God, yes. I don’t even know the rules, you don’t know all my weirdness, and together we’ll muck it up.”

“I like that we, cowboy.” River shifted them so they were spooning, and he was tucked up against that broad chest. “I think we should go back to the club tomorrow, spend a little time in the common rooms.”

“Okay. I promise to try and be less stressy.” He yawned and stretched long. “I like how you smell.”

He liked River. A lot.