Chapter 11

11

Kacey was full as a tick, and he had a bag with a sketchbook and some pens and pencils. Now they were going to that club—not the bar where he’d been with Sam, but the other one. The private one.

He wasn’t sure why there’d be a private club when there were bars, but he’d find out. He knew it wasn’t going to be rough like the dive bar.

That Thomas guy?

Not rough.

“This is the place.” They got out of their Uber, and River offered him an arm. An actual gentleman’s gesture. Just stuck his elbow out. He didn’t know guys did that kind of thing. “Ready?”

“I am.” He’d been in a billion bars, so there wasn’t anything to worry about, right?

They walked in and someone instantly took his bag of art supplies from him and put it in what looked like a coat room while people—men—were saying hello to River.

“Welcome, Sir.” The man behind the bar was wearing very little, and what he did have on was made of leather.

“Hello, Deacon. This is Kacey. Kacey, this is Deacon, our head bartender.”

Deacon tipped an invisible top hat at him. “Pleased. Whiskey, Sir?”

“No, waters for both of us. Do you know if Thomas is here yet?”

Oh, man. He didn’t want everybody mad at him…

“River…” he muttered.

“Yes, Sir. He’s at Master Clint’s table.”

“Perfect. Thank you. Send the waters over, please.” River turned his head and murmured to him. “You’re fine, boy. Always safe with me.”

Okay, but Sam wasn’t loving him right now. Still, he’d just be decent.

He could be decent, mostly. If he tried.

River caught his eye before they approached the table. “Trust me.”

“I do.” Hell, they slept together. That was big. Bigger than being naked. “Swear it.”

That got him one of River’s warm smiles and a nod.

“River, Kacey.” Thomas stood and shook River’s hand first and then his.

“This is your new cowboy?” Clint asked from across the table.

He glanced over, but what he was needing to see was Sam. He didn’t want to fight with him again, but he knew himself.

He was a scrapper.

“Say hello to Master River and Kacey, boy.” Thomas sat, and there was Sam, sitting on a low stool at Thomas’s side.

“Hello, Master River. Kacey.” Sam wouldn’t even look at him, and Kacey wanted to growl, but he didn’t, because Sam was wearing this see-through shirt that showed nipple rings, and he just… damn.

But as Thomas smoothed a hand over Sam’s back, he could see how tense Sam was, that touch helping him relax a little.

“Sit, please.” Clint gestured to two empty chairs, and River pulled one out for him.

“Thank you, sir.” He nodded and sat, determined not to embarrass River.

That wasn’t on his to-do list, dammit.

“How was your week, Thomas? Is Sam feeling better?”

“We’ve done some excellent work, and he is much better. Thank you. And Kacey?”

River glanced at Kacey but answered like he wasn’t sitting right there. “Kacey has come a long way this week. I’m proud of him.”

And he wasn’t sure what he’d done, if he was honest. In fact, he wasn’t sure there was any reason anyone ought to be proud, but… whatever. He wasn’t going to be a bitch.

“I understand you have a room reserved for Dr. O’Reilly and his friend?”

“We do,” River and Thomas said at the same time, and then laughed together as well.

“Thomas?”

“Ah. Yes. Sam, please take Kacey down to room seven. We’ll join you in a moment.”

“Yes, Master.” Sam stood, jerking his head to Kacey.

Yay. This was where everyone told him he sucked. His favorite!

Sam led him down hallways, and it was a little like a horror movie, where you just got glimpses of things you didn’t understand, but then the movie moved on.

They stopped at a door that had a 7 on it, and Sam went in, holding the door for him. The room was a big, black box without a stick of furniture apart from two cushions in the middle of the room about a foot apart and a dark cabinet at the far end.

“We gonna have a pillow fight?” He couldn’t stop the question for love or money.

“Shut up, Kacey.”

“Hey, it’s a fair question.” His next one was going to be how bad the nipple piercings hurt.

“They’re for kneeling, I assume. We’ve had enough fighting.” Sam went right to one, but he stood behind it rather than kneeled.

“You… you are okay, right? I mean, you’re good? Because I can help you, if you’re not.” Sam was always going to be his friend. Always.

Sam blinked at him. “What?”

“Like this whole kneeling thing. He’s not hurting you, is he?”

Sam turned to him, shaking his head immediately. “Fuck no. No, man. He’s my whole world, and I’m willing. I’m here because I want to be here with him.”

“Okay. If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure. And River is a good man too. When things feel too big, remember I said that. I ain’t gonna lie to you.”

“I just… What do you want from me? I said I was sorry for getting you caught up in that, and I meant it. I’ll leave y’all be. Is that not enough?” Because if it wasn’t, Kacey didn’t know what else he had.

Sam shook his head. “I accept your apology, Kace, I do. But no, it’s not enough. I don’t want you to leave us be; that’s too easy. You can’t just walk away. I want you to stay and figure your shit out, man.”

“I’m trying, but that doesn’t answer what we’re doing in here.” And without River, he was feeling a little undone.

“That’s not for me to answer. I’m not sure I know either.”

The door swung open, and Thomas entered, followed by River who closed the door and locked it.

“Kacey,” Thomas said immediately, heading straight for Sam. “Master River is locking the door to keep others out, not to keep you in. If at any time you want out, you may go.” Thomas looked at Sam and ran his hands over Sam’s shoulders. “Everything all right, sweetheart?”

“Yes, Mister. I’m fine, thank you.” Sam let Thomas help him down onto the cushion, and the little turd settled with a peaceful smile.

“Good boy.”

River was at his elbow and rested a hand in the middle of his back. “Did the two of you talk at all?”

“I told him I was sorry, I asked him if he was being hurt or anything, and I told him I’d leave him alone.” That was the short answer, and the best one, really.

“Okay.” River nodded. “Sam, for Kacey’s benefit, is anything going on at home that you haven’t expressly consented to?”

“No, Sir.”

Sam had been given a chance to argue in private with him and with River, so Kacey had to accept it. Sam was a grown-up, and he wasn’t stupid at all.

“And, again, for Kacey, how would you describe your relationship to Thomas?”

“He is my Dom, my husband, my lover, my best friend, my world.”

River nodded and there was an affection in his smile. “Thank you, Sam.”

Thomas bent and kissed the top of Sam’s head. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

“Sam, do you want Kacey to leave you alone?”

“No, Sir.”

“So, Kacey.” River was still touching him while he talked, hands moving over his back and arms. “This is what we call a safe space. You can say anything, ask anything, and there’s no judgment. Just answers, discussion, and anything else you—or any of us—need.”

“What do y’all want?” He wasn’t sure, exactly, what this was. “Is this, like, an intervention?”

River nodded. “A little bit. I think it’s safe to say we’re your friends now, and we’re all worried about you. Do you know what Mike said about you? The man who runs the bar you were fighting in? He said he thought you had a death wish.”

He crossed his arms and shrugged. “I’ve been having a hard time.”

And he might talk to River, maybe Sam, but not Thomas. He didn’t know Thomas like that.

River moved in front of him and actually uncrossed his arms to take his hands. “Thank you for that honesty. Tell me what you mean.”

He searched River’s eyes, and he knew what he wanted to say. “Can’t we just talk? You and me? I trust you.”

“Thank you, boy. I appreciate that. We can, but first you need to give Sam and Thomas a convincing reason why they shouldn’t worry about you. Or should they?”

“I don’t know what they’re worried about. I didn’t say anything mean. I apologized. I meant it. I offered not to bother Sam anymore.” Worry about him? No one worried about him. He needed that before he’d made it to New York, not after.

“Tell him what you’re worried about, sweetheart.” Thomas’s tone was firm.

“You’re scaring me. I’m afraid that you’re going to hurt yourself or let someone harm you. You’re out of control.”

“I’m not! Jesus. I’m having a bad fucking life, Sam!”

“Kacey.” River snapped. “Kneel, please.”

Oh, he thought River was on his side. “So I’m in trouble? That’s not fair.”

River sighed. “When did I say that? If you’re in trouble, I’ll tell you. I’ve asked you to kneel. I have a reason, but it’s not because I’m upset with you.”

“Oh. Okay. Sorry. It felt… mean.” He squeezed River’s hand. He didn’t get it, but River was decent to him, so he’d just go with it. At some point, River would just tell him what the hell was going on.

“Mm.” River shook his head. “I apologize. We’re still getting to know each other, hm? Would you kneel, please?”

“Yes. Sure.” He settled, faced the same direction as Sam. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Just a little weird.

“Good boy.” River walked around behind him, talking softly. “Kacey, your friend was very honest with you just now, and you shouted at him. Did you hear what he said? He’s afraid you’re going to hurt yourself, or let someone hurt you. He said you were out of control. And he said it, not to be hurtful, but as a friend who cares about you. So I want you to think about what he said, not react. Think about the night I brought you home. Think about what you’d gotten yourself into, and Sam along with you.”

He knew. It was all he thought about until River gave him something else he could focus on. “You ought to know, Sam, more than anyone, how much I lost.”

“I do. That’s why I’m scared. You’re… you can’t just throw everything away.”

“Yes, I can. I did. I threw everything away.” His job, his sponsors, his lover, his home, his reputation. All of it.

“Did you?” River rested a hand on his shoulder. “Or was it all taken from you?”

“Does that matter?” He wasn’t being a bit sarcastic. “It’s gone, regardless. You got skills, Sam. Things that aren’t bull riding. Family. I don’t. I’m sorry I involved you in my shit, I am, but you… you were like the guy I could come to when things went to hell.”

And that had been his big mistake, trying to off-load his shit on someone else. It was his to carry, no one else’s.

“I’m glad you felt I was safe, Kacey. Really. But Master River is right; it does matter. If that asshole hadn’t lied about your relationship and what you were to each other, you might still have all of those things. It’s not your fault.” Sam wasn’t looking at him. His eyes were focused on the floor.

Like that mattered. No one was going to give a shit in ten years whose fault it was. So it wasn’t his fault. He was still where he was. He was still pissed off. It still hurt.

If it had been something evil he’d done, he would have at least deserved this shit. As it was, he just had to figure out why.

“So, Kacey. Are you out of control?” River’s question was quiet and serious. “Do you need help?”

He didn’t know what to say, exactly. So he closed his eyes and thought about it. He probably did, but he didn’t want it from Sam, not now. It almost felt like a betrayal, although his heart thought that was too big of a word. He just didn’t have anything better. Maybe that Sam’s life was too full for someone like him.

“Can I talk to you, please? Just you?” He didn’t want to be an asshole. He didn’t want to hurt Sam.

“Stand up, sweetheart, that’s our cue.” Thomas offered Sam a hand up.

“Thank you, Sam. Thomas, I’ll be in touch. Thanks for coming tonight.”

Thank God that someone heard him. Weird that it was Sam’s Thomas, but he’d take it with thanks. There were other words, but he didn’t listen. He was just going to take a second to breathe.

The door opened and closed, and River turned the lock again. “We’re alone now, boy.”

“Thanks. I just… Sam don’t need my shit right now. I’ll talk to you.” River seemed like his shoulders had room right now for the hard truths.

“Sam cares about you. But I understand, and I’m here for you. Are you comfortable where you are?”

“Yeah, if it’s not weird for you, I guess. The cushion deal is… cushiony.” And he was settled.

“Good. I like you there.” River walked around behind him, hands landing on his shoulders and adding a little pressure. “Talk, boy. Tell me what I need to know. I’m listening.”

Those hands grounded him to the floor so he could just talk. “You asked if I need help, and I think I do, because I’m fucked up, but I don’t want it from Sam for a whole lot of reasons.”

Those ranged from “because I’m mad at him” to “because he can’t deal with it” to “because we fuck each other up.”

“I see. Well, I don’t think Sam was offering, honestly. I don’t think he’s capable of helping you.”

“No. No, me either, and that’s cool. I shouldn’t have come to him. It wasn’t right.” But it’s what he did. So, he just had to live with that.

“Oh, no. I disagree. He was a safe place to go. Several of his friends have done the same thing. It’s one of his superpowers, I think. And if you hadn’t, we wouldn’t have met.” River knelt right behind him. “I think we can help each other.”

His lips parted, but for a second, he couldn’t inhale.

Each other.

Not I can help you.

We can help each other.

He grabbed onto those words with his whole soul, because he wanted to be… working toward something, part of something, not just a victim.

“You do?”

“Well, I hope so, yes. In time. If you’re patient.” River pressed a light kiss to his nape, then stood.

“I want to.” Was he supposed to stand up now? He hated not knowing what to do. “What do you want?”

“A lot. I want a lot. But I think it might be what you need too. Why don’t you stand, Kacey?” River offered him a hand, just like Thomas had for Sam.