Chapter 2

I see the road sign for Charlotte and know I'm close to Tia. I may have thought I could protect her by leaving, but for me, she's never truly been far from my mind. I make this trip at least twice a month, needing to see her, even if she can't see me.

She'd be furious if she knew. She'd glare at me and call me a stalker. She wouldn't be wrong.

But it wouldn't matter what she said. I'd still be happier than I've been since I left her to hear her say even a single word to me.

A whole year is a long time to want and not be able to have. To not be able to even touch her or smell the soft scent of her perfume. To be without the one person you love more than anything else in the world.

It was my choice, though. I have no one to blame but myself for having to live without her. But even thinking about that last time I was with her makes my chest ache.

I watch as Tia washes the dishes, knowing what I plan to do tonight is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. All day I've dreaded it, even as I can't deny it's the only way she'll be safe. I've been lying to myself for too long. I wanted to believe what we are could be separate from my work for my family, but that's just a dream that could never come true.

She deserves a life that doesn't involve the danger that comes from being with me.

"Do you want to go down to the lake?" she asks, tearing me out of my terrible thoughts about what I'm about to do.

Shaking my head, I grimace. "Not tonight."

Instead of showing disappointment, she merely shrugs and gives me a cute smile. "Okay. I just thought maybe you didn't want to stay in again."

Tia giggles before turning back to finish washing the dishes. I hate that what I'm about to say will make this the last time she's happy around me.

"When you're done there, I want to talk," I say quietly, still not sure I'll be able to do this, although I don't have a choice.

She looks back at me and nods. "Okay. I just have a fork and spoon to do, and then I'm all yours."

I give her a tiny smile that barely hides how miserable I am right now. I'd give the world to not have to say these terrible words.

I don't take my eyes off her, needing to fill my mind with the memory of Tia happy. Even standing at the sink in a pair of gray yoga pants and an old UNC T-shirt with her blond hair up in a messy ponytail, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

How the hell am I going to say I never want to see her again?

I hear her shut off the faucet, and my chest tightens. As she dries her hands on that dish towel with the roosters on it, I suddenly can't remember how I wanted to start this conversation. Fuck. I had this whole thing plotted out in my mind as I was driving down here yesterday afternoon. I found the perfect way to say what I need to, and now I can't remember a goddamned word of it.

"You seem quiet tonight, Jaxon. Something on your mind?" she asks sweetly, far too nice for someone like me.

Smiling, even though happiness has no place inside me now, I nod. God, I can't bring myself to say anything right now.

"You said you wanted to talk. What's up?" she asks with a lilt in her voice that tells me she has no idea what's coming next.

I clear my throat, but it's like every word I need to say is stuck in there. This shouldn't be so hard. Tia deserves to be away from the kind of danger I bring to her life. I know this is for the best, but I'm not thinking with my head right now.

My heart's in charge, and it doesn't want me to let her go.

"I just felt like we need to talk," I say, barely able to utter even those syllables.

"Okay," she says with an adorable smile as she walks around the table to sit on my lap. "What's on your mind?"

Jesus, all I can think about is how much I love feeling her next to me. I don't think I can do this. I can't break up with her tonight. Maybe tomorrow when I'm leaving to head back to Pennsylvania. That would be a better time to do this.

I look into her beautiful eyes and see so much love in them. I don't deserve her or the sweetness she brings to my life. I'm a killer. That she forgave me for how we met and what I did back then only proves that she deserves better than me.

"Is something wrong, Jaxon? You look like you're going to be sick."

Even as I shake my head, I know I have to tell her.

I lift Tia off my lap and set her on her feet next to me before standing. I can't face her when I say this, so I focus my attention on that spot on the wall from that time when we were playing around and I knocked over her lamp by mistake. It left a dimple in the wall I keep telling myself I'll fix the next time I come down to see her, but I never get around to it.

Now it will be a permanent feature of the wall. Or worse, the next guy she starts dating will fix it. Fuck, I hate the idea of her with anyone else.

If only there was another way.

"So I think I'm going to have to stop coming here," I mumble, hating how the words sound as they leave my mouth.

Beside me, Tia makes a noise that reminds me of how I sound every time I've been shot. It's the sound of utter agony.

"What? I don't…I don't understand." she says with so much hurt in her voice that a knot forms in the pit of my stomach.

I take a step toward the door and stop, still not looking at her as I continue. "I just think it's time."

Fuck, none of this is coming out like I want it to. I promised myself I wouldn't be a jackass when I told her, and that's exactly how I sound.

"Time for what? I don't know what you're talking about."

Finally, I turn to face her and see pure sadness in her expression. "It's been fun, hasn't it? We had some great times together. I just think it's time to say goodbye."

Tears fill her eyes as she shakes her head. "Why are you saying this? You're breaking up with me? Why? What happened, Jaxon?"

"Nothing happened. I just think it's time. This whole long distance thing was always going to be hard. Turns out it was harder than I thought it would be. It's okay. We made some good memories, right?"

My casual way of saying I don't want to see her anymore only makes things worse, and Tia begins to cry. It's breaking my heart to see her so sad and to know I'm the reason she feels like this. I want to take her into my arms and say I was only making a bad joke. She's kind. She'd accept that after slapping me across the face, which is something I deserve at this moment.

But I can't go back now. Every moment I'm with Tia puts her in danger. It's better to hurt her like this than to have her suffer far worse because of me.

Finally, the floodgates open, and tears stream down her face. She pushes against my chest, angry at me like she should be.

"Why are you talking about our time together like it meant nothing to you? Did it? Did it mean absolutely nothing to you all these months?" she sobs.

I shrug, knowing how fucking disrespectful that is right now. "It meant a lot to me. I just think it's time."

Her tear-filled eyes flash anger I've only seen a few times in Tia. "Time? You keep saying that! Why? Why is it time now?"

I'd hoped I wouldn't have to use the nuclear option, but she's not going to let me off the hook. Not that I blame her. It's not like I've given her any valid reason for not wanting to be with her anymore. What does a few hours driving to see her mean to me? I never minded the trip down here, so she knows that's a bullshit reason for wanting to break up.

So I swallow hard and say the hardest words I've ever uttered in my life.

"I've met someone else. She's closer, so we don't have to do the long distance relationship thing."

As each syllable leaves my mouth, Tia grows sadder and sadder until she collapses onto the chair behind me. "You met someone else? How could you do this to us? I guess there was no us, though. Not if you could find someone new."

Fuck, I want to get the hell out of this place right now. I can't see her like this.

When I don't say anything, she jumps up from the chair and shakes her head as tears continue to stream down her cheeks. "I'll never forgive you, Jaxon. Whoever she is, I hope she makes you happier than I did."

That's not possible. I want to tell her that, but I can't. Keeping her safe is too important to turn back now.

"Thanks. I hope we can be friends," I say like some stereotypical dick just asking for someone to slap their face.

"Friends?" she repeats in disbelief. "I don't want to be friends with you. You've broken my heart, and now you think friends is something we can be? Go fuck yourself, Jaxon. Go to whoever this new girl is and never come here again. I never want to see you again in my life!"

She storms away as my heart sinks, and when she slams her bedroom door, it's like she's put up a barrier I couldn't get through even if I tried. I want to, but if I go back on my plan now, she'll never be safe because I'll never be able to say goodbye to her again.

Feeling like someone's ripped open my chest and tore my heart out with their bare hands, I stand in Tia's kitchen and try to memorize how this place looks. The pale yellow paint that's begun to crack around the window over the sink. The red and white rooster decoration hanging on the wall above the stove. The little wooden dining table with only two chairs where we sat so many times and talked.

I want to always remember how happy I was in this room.

How happy and selfish because I knew being with Tia put her in danger.

At least I've remedied that. Now she just hates me.

Memories of that night make me sick to my stomach, so I take a gulp from my water bottle to push the bile back down. I could drive this route in my sleep since I've done it so many times, even since I left her.

I've never missed anyone like I have since I told Tia goodbye, but I know it's been for the best. Now I can't wait to see her again.

I park outside her apartment and think about how she gave up on her dreams of being a psychologist this year. Was that because of me? I don't know. All I do know is she's too smart to be working as some assistant to a bank president.

When I step out onto the sidewalk, it's like the past comes rushing back to me. I used to watch over her like this in the early days. I'd stand on the sidewalk across the street from her house for hours to catch even a glimpse of her.

Staring up at her living room window, I wait for her to walk by as I realize I've missed her even more than I thought I did. She doesn't appear, so after ten minutes, I begin walking to her door. I'm more nervous than I've ever been in my life. I know what I should expect, but what if I see a man there with her?

Jealousy surges inside me, but I take a deep breath and knock on her door. My heart slams into my chest as I wait to see my first glimpse of her beautiful face in far too long.

The door opens, and there she is staring out at me with the same sweetness I've always loved in her soft blue eyes. She shakes her head as she backs away from the door. She doesn't invite me in, but I walk inside anyway, thrilled to see her.

"Why are you here?" she asks in a flat voice.

"I wanted to see you."

She frowns and shakes her head again. "Well, I don't want to see you."

I take a step toward her and smile. "Yes, you do. Trust me."

"Trust you? Is that supposed to be a joke? Because I'm not laughing."

Another step brings me to right in front of her, and I stop. "No joke, Tia."

She stares up at me with such sadness in her eyes that my heart breaks. I'm dying to kiss her after so long, but when I lean in, Tia slaps me hard across the face.

"That's for breaking my heart. Now go back to your girlfriend before I do something worse."

I watch as she marches out of the room and can't deny I deserved that slap. I actually deserve so much more.

But what does she mean she's going to do something worse?