Chapter 18

It was all there in black and white. Three emails. Two from the AATI and one from Professor Armstrong with more exclamation marks than Eloise would’ve thought the older woman was capable of. Somewhere in Phoenix was her new home. The desert would be at her fingertips along with a whole world of new experiences. Gone would be the big gum trees and cool temperatures, replaced with rock formations and cacti.

If I can get on the plane.

Eloise shuddered and pushed her fears about flying out of her mind as she looked around the pub’s dining room. Wattle Junction could be oppressive like all small towns were at times, but it was home. Full of people who loved and cared about her. Eloise gulped, remembering what Nate had said the other night about not having his support network nearby. How lonely he’d been.

How lonely I’ll be.

No. Eloise shook her head. Took a few deep breaths and forced herself to focus on the positives: a desk at the AATI. Working with like-minded people who were passionate about art therapy. She wouldn’t be establishing a program on her own, like she planned to do at KPs, but learning from one of the best in the world. All that knowledge and experience would allow her to create something even better here—if she still had her job. Reality crashed back over her like a sobering wave.

Her hand hovered over her phone. She needed to call Lulu and request an urgent meeting. If KPs couldn’t give her the time off, then she’d have to reassess. It was easy to tell herself that she’d have to decline the exchange, but deep down, Eloise knew she was letting her fears win. If she’d learnt anything from what Nate had shared with her the other day, it was that there was a huge difference between accepting her limitations and being afraid to try.

Whatever happened, this was a big deal, and it needed to be celebrated.

And she knew exactly who she wanted to share her news with first. Someone who would understand exactly why she was equally excited and totally terrified.

“You need anything else?” Teddy asked as he wiped down the bar.

Eloise pushed her half-drunk lemon, lime and bitters away. “Two deluxe burgers to go, please.”

* * *

The house wasquiet when Eloise got home. Which was good considering how quickly her cheeks flamed when she realised she’d thought of Nate’s house as her home.

Where was Echo? The dog normally met her at the door, tail thumping against the wall as she tilted her head up, begging for chin scratches. A quick walkthrough confirmed Eloise was alone, but Nate’s car was parked out front. Leaving the takeaway on the bench, she headed outside. She followed a rhythmic pounding noise to the woodshed behind the veggie patch.

His back was to her, the flannel of his shirt sticking to his skin, highlighting just how strong he was. His muscles contracted and flared out as he swung the axe, splitting the log in front of him like it was nothing. Nate tossed the wood onto the large pile and lined up the next bit. There was so much power in his movements. Out here, he was every inch the mountain man everyone assumed he was. Eloise licked at her dry lips. Told herself she’d just watch for a little bit longer so she didn’t spook him, risk him hurting himself. Safety first and all that.

After splitting more timber, Nate wedged the axe in the tree trunk he’d been using as a base and lifted his shirt to wipe his face. His hair was wet with sweat, the curl at the ends even more pronounced. He started to turn, face still covered by his flannel shirt, and Eloise promptly forgot every thought she’d ever had. His trackpants hung dangerously low, highlighting the strong lines that cut across his hips and the dusting of dark hair that started on his abdomen and drifted lower. She licked her lips again.

Sweet mercy.

“Hey,” Nate said like he hadn’t just caught her ogling him. “I didn’t realise you were back already.”

Eloise cleared her throat, gesturing vaguely towards the house. Words. Come on, she could do it. “I brought dinner.”

“Great. I’m starving. I’ll tidy up and meet you inside.”

Eloise moved forward before she even realised what was happening. “I’ll help.”

They worked together quietly, arranging the timber into neat stacks inside the shed where it could dry out properly.

“I like your wood …”

A smirk flashed across Nate’s face, disappearing when she groaned.

“… shed. I like your woodshed, Nate. God.”

“I’m sorry.” His lips twitched, undermining his words. “I’ve spent a lot of time with Teddy today.”

Eloise waved his apology away, bending to pick up a largish bit of wood near her foot. But it was heavier than she expected and it slipped from her grasp. The rough edge bit into her hand and she cried out. Little drops of blood blossomed across her palm.

Nate was beside her in an instant. “Can I see?”

Eloise blinked back tears and let Nate guide her over to the doorway of the woodshed where the last bit of afternoon light was preparing to say goodbye to the day.

Don’t say it. Don’t say it.

“You’ve got some splinters.”

Shit.

“Come on, let’s head back and I’ll get them out for you.”

Eloise shook her head and tried to breathe slowly. What was she going to do if she got hurt overseas? She wouldn’t know where to go. Who to call. What if she had to go to the hospital? Would travel insurance cover something like that? Who would be her emergency contact? Could she ask her mentor at the AATI? But what if they didn’t get along? Oh God, what if they didn’t get along? Or were out of town? Everyone else would have a life. Families and commitments. Things to do when they weren’t working. She wasn’t going to have any of that. For a whole year. This was only if she could find the money, too. What had she been thinking?

“Eloise?” Worry was etched in the way Nate said her name.

“I’m fine,” she whispered.

“You’re trembling. What’s going on? The splinters aren’t bad. Honestly.”

She ducked her head, staring at the scuff marks on the front of her sneakers. “I’ve made a huge mistake. And I hate needles. All of them. Sewing ones. Doctor’s ones.” She sniffed and mortifyingly, a few tears escaped.

“Hey, hey.” Nate wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in close, right up against his chest. A hint of his body wash lingered around him, mixing with the scent of sweat and freshly cut wood. He’d been working hard out here. She let him guide her towards the house, dead leaves crunching as they walked.

“It’s going to be okay. I promise I’ll be gentle. Or”—Nate paused, and she watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed—“I can call Joanie or your mum. Take you to them? Whatever you need, I’ll do it. I’ll always do what you need, okay?”

His niceness, his Nate-ness made her tears fall more steadily.

“It’s not just the splinters. I mean, I do hate them. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed.” Professor Armstrong was going to be so annoyed. And Joanie? The disappointment on her grandmother’s face would be brutal to witness.

Another sob escaped, transforming into a long, shuddery breath. What a disaster. No way she could survive on her own overseas. Here she was, going to pieces over a few splinters. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when everything was dark and still, Eloise could admit to herself that her desire for adventure was nothing more than a ruse. It was a way to justify how she let her previous experiences dictate how she lived her life. Wattle Junction was home, and the thought of leaving it—even temporarily—terrified her.

Nate stopped and waited until she looked at him. “I hate getting my hair cut.”

Eloise’s eyes grew wide. “What?”

“It’s the clippers.” His shoulders gave an adorable little shake that vibrated through their clothes, rumbling over her skin. “The way they feel. Like they’re going to pull my hair out. I know they won’t. I understand how they work, but I just can’t. It’s why I keep my hair longer, so I don’t have to use them. Now you know something embarrassing about me.”

Could Nate be any nicer? No, he couldn’t. “Thank you, Nate.”

“It’ll be our little secret.”

Nate led her into his room, past his neatly made bed and into the large ensuite filled with charcoal and ashy tones. The full-size window next to the vanity looked out over the Wattle River.

“You’ve really leant into this whole no neighbours thing,” Eloise said, hovering in the doorway.

“Huh?” Nate opened the second drawer and rummaged around in it.

“That’s a big window for a bathroom.”

A less respectful woman might’ve made a note to take an amble around the cabin the next time Nate showered.

“It’s special glass. You can’t see through it from the outside.” No stealth walkies for Eloise and Echo, then.

“Up you hop.” He patted the space next to the sink, not himself. Unfortunately. He arranged a pair of tweezers, some antiseptic, plasters and a small sewing kit on the dark grey marble vanity.

Eloise scooted as close to the basin as she could, holding her hand out, palm up. Nate boxed in her legs with his own as he got as close as possible. She swallowed and sucked her bottom lip into her mouth.

“I’m going to try and get them all out with tweezers first, okay? If you want me to stop, say the word and I will.”

Eloise’s gaze drifted to the ceiling, and she nodded as Nate slipped his hand under hers. He was so close that all she could smell was him, feel the warmth of his body. She wouldn’t think about him in the shower. How the water would glide over his chest, his arms, his …

“That’s one,” he whispered.

“What?” She blinked.

“And another. See. I’m good at this.”

She’d bet Nate was good at everything. He was so generous in every facet of his life, always making time for everyone who approached him and asked for help. He probably had the perfect boyfriend dick too. It was a damn shame he was determined not to be anyone’s boyfriend because he would be so good at it. Not just the physical stuff, either. Slowly, he was coming out of his shell.

Eloise lowered her gaze and studied his long eyelashes, the angle of his cheekbones, the shadow of tomorrow’s beard on his cheeks. The cool metal bit at Eloise’s skin and she tensed automatically.

“Sorry,” Nate murmured, his breath warming her palm. “This one’s going to need the needle. Just a little so I can get to it properly. Ready?”

Eloise breathed out a shaky “Sure”, her eyes tearing up automatically. This was such a ridiculous fear to have.

“I had a chat with Callum about the case study.” Nate changed the subject deftly and even though it was obvious what he was doing, Eloise appreciated it. There was a click, a few rustling sounds as he opened the sewing kit. Her gaze returned to the ceiling.

“What did he say?”

“He’ll do it. Pretty sure he thinks this is his in with Bianca.”

There was a prick of pain, and Eloise squeezed her eyes closed. “God love fourteen-year-old boys. And his dad?” She pushed the words out through clenched teeth.

“He’s keen. Might think this is his in with Bianca, too. Who knows.”

Eloise shook her head, a soft laugh falling from her lips at Nate’s joke. “There’s a chance she might not be as bad as I first thought.”

“Possibly. Man, I hate being wrong.” A trace of teasing lingered in Nate’s voice like the joke was at both their expenses, not just hers. “Bianca’s going to come along to the Wednesday sessions next week. Start observing. Get some pictures, etc.”

“Ouch!” Eloise sucked in a deep breath.

“This one’s a bit fiddly. I’m sorry.”

Maybe she was imagining it, but it sounded like Nate was in pain, too. Like hurting her was the very worst thing he could ever do. Looking down was a mistake for two reasons. The first being that there was no escaping the visual of Nate cradling her hand in his, her palm so small and his expression so earnest and caring searing itself into her mind. But also … needle. Dots danced in Eloise’s vision and she focused on breathing in through her nose, out through her mouth. “Can you keep talking, please? How’s your secret project going?”

“It’s different from anything I’ve written before, but I’m learning that sometimes that’s a good thing.”

There was another small prick of pain, and Eloise bit the insides of her cheeks. “Different is scary,” she whispered. See? She wasn’t even brave enough to say the words at normal volume.

Nate’s gaze found hers, and Eloise had to forcibly try not to get lost in them.

“Scary can be good. It makes you step outside your comfort zone and try new things.”

“But what if it doesn’t work?”

The half smile he gave her added to Eloise’s lightheadedness.

“Then you try again.” His voice had gone all velvety and smooth. If it was possible, Eloise would climb into it, wrap herself up and hide from the rest of the world. The air between them changed. Heating up like the shower was on and the room was filling with steam. Nate cleared his throat.

“How did you do it?” Eloise asked softly as his fingers ghosted over her palm. “Tell me that stuff the other night even though it was scary?” All the nuances of what made him so special were on display right now. His calm demeanour and easy charm distracting her from the needles. The way his touch was so gentle while still being firm enough to ensure she didn’t panic. He had her, and he wouldn’t lie to her. Eloise didn’t doubt it for a second.

Nate shifted, his chest pressing closer to hers as he reached across to grab something off the vanity. Eloise tracked his movements.

“I realised I was more scared of having regrets.”

“I thought you said you didn’t have any?”

“Not about going overseas. But in other parts of my life? I’ve got so many.” There was another pinch, and a quiet curse fell from Nate’s lips when she whimpered. Nate lifted her palm towards the light to inspect his work. “You know firsthand how bad I am at letting people know I care about them. I’m going to try to be better. For both of us.”

It was like her heart stopped. If the wall wasn’t holding her up, she might’ve keeled clean over. “Nate,” was all she said.

He wouldn’t look at her. “You’re all done.”

Eloise relaxed against the mirrored cabinet behind her, all the residual tension flowing out of her body and leaving her with heavy limbs. “I know this isn’t easy for you. I’m proud of you for trying,” she said.

Nate guided her hand under the tap, his hand caressing hers as he cleaned the scratches.

“Good as new,” he said, leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on her palm.

Eloise jerked with surprise, taken aback by the current that zapped around her body the second his lips touched her skin.

Nate straightened, dragged his hands through his hair before shoving them into his pockets. “Sorry. Shit. Sorry. Mum always used to do that when we were kids, and I was on autopilot. I don’t want you to think I didn’t take what you said seriously. About not kissing you anymore. Although, that was different. I think? Wasn’t it? It was barely a kiss. But it was still a kiss. Shit. You don’t have to answer. I’m going to go warm up the dinner.” Nate strode out of the room, knocking his shoulder into the door frame, and all Eloise could do was watch, her mouth hanging open.

* * *

Nate was such a fool.

He groaned, remembering how Eloise’s eyes had flared as she jerked away from him.

So many people had warned him that if he waited too long, he’d miss his chance with her. Like a chump, he’d thought they were wrong.

She was over him.

And she was leaving. Who knew if she’d come back? What if she fell in love with someone and stayed in the States? His pathetic new, barely formed plan to wait and see hinged on the fact that no one else was going to realise how perfect she was and pursue her themselves. The chances of that happening were so low they barely even qualified as a number.

Nate rubbed his face and leant forward until his elbows rested on the kitchen island.

“Hey,” said Eloise quietly.

He straightened and crossed his arms, then immediately dropped them to his side—defensive posture was the wrong move here—and placed his palms flat against the wooden benchtop. Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he met Eloise’s gaze. He wouldn’t shy from this. He’d made a mistake and he’d own it. “I’m sorry.”

He thought about adding more. That he hadn’t meant to do it. That he’d been desperate to distract her from her fears. That knowing she was hurt made the beast inside his chest roar. And he was so proud of her for soldiering on when he’d never even manage to verbalise his greatest regret. But that all sounded like shifting the blame, and he refused to do that.

Cowards did that.

Without breaking her stride, even though Echo was dancing around her feet, begging for a pat, Eloise walked over to him. “Are you kissing anyone else these days?”

Nate dragged his hand through his hair. “Ah, no.”

“Do you plan on kissing anyone else anytime soon?”

“No.”

Where is she going with this?

“Why did you kiss me?”

His mother’s voice rang in his ears, the platitude she’d repeated constantly during his childhood. Honesty is the best policy. “Because I wanted to.”

“Do you remember what I said when I told you not to kiss me?”

Here it came. She wouldn’t leave, would she?

“To not kiss you?” He winced. Eloise had kept her belongings neat and tidy. It would only take her two seconds to load her car, and then she’d be gone. And all he’d be left with were so many fucking regrets.

“To not kiss me again until you were sure you knew what you wanted. Do you know what you want, Nate?”

This was the first real opportunity he’d had to be brave in a long time. To do something for himself, even though it was hard and he was scared. To let Eloise down. To admit he wasn’t who everyone thought he was. To let someone close enough to see the real him.

If his actions had defined so much of his life, now it was time to let his words do the same. Otherwise, regrets were all he’d ever have.

“I want to kiss you and not take it back,” was all he said, and it was enough, judging by how quickly Eloise rose onto her tippy toes, her face mere centimetres from his.

“Good.”

And then she melted into his arms, her lips brushing across his once, twice. A little tease and taste of what was to come. Nate’s hands couldn’t stop moving, coasting over her ass, up past her ribs, tangling in her hair. He was desperate to memorise everything about this moment. The weight of her against him, the way she sucked in her breath when he kissed her behind her ear, her heavy-lidded gaze when they pulled apart for air.

“Hi,” Eloise whispered, her lips pinker and fuller than normal. From his kisses. The dam wall he’d built around his desire for her busted open, and even though his brain was sending up smoke signals, reminding him not to get too attached, Nate didn’t care.

“Can we do that again?” he asked.

“You don’t have to ask to kiss me every time.” She blushed, all breathy and shy and oh, boy.

Nate slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her so close he was in danger of getting lost in her deep brown eyes when a thought occurred to him. He and Eloise had more in common than their shared love of art and helping people. He’d never seen her date anyone either. Except for Ryan but those hardly counted as dates. Maybe she needed a minute, too.

“I know exactly what we should do,” Nate murmured.

Eloise’s “What have you got in mind?” was quiet and, if he wasn’t mistaken, a little uncertain. Yes. It was time to pump the brakes and take a deep breath.

“How would you feel about a good old-fashioned make-out session on the couch?” He’d only been imagining it for the last four damn years. All the other stuff, which, yes, he’d also been imagining for just as long, could wait until they were both ready.