Chapter 9

9

Ash

"W e'll have the twelve-inch, half pepperoni and half meat lover's. And the big guy here'll have chicken wings." I turn to Colin and wink, and as the waitress heads off, I tell him, "As always, if any of your sausage touches my half, I'm gonna be pissed."

"You didn't seem that squeamish about my sausage earlier. Besides, you're gonna need some extra meat to replenish your protein after that load you dropped."

How can I not laugh? We're sitting at our favorite pizza place, making jokes about what we just did.

Sometimes after I jerk off, I want to take a nap, but this time, I've got adrenaline surging through me like when I'd get all worked up about Math League competitions. It was wild, and strange, but mostly hot as fuck.

Despite being playful, Colin's been quieter than his usual self since we did that, but it's not like the other day when he was surprised about my secret. It's that look he gets after he's won a big game. Or after a particularly hot night with a girl.

Just seeing that satisfied expression has me thinking about how he looked when he was playing with himself. How he wanted to get off, looking to me like he wanted my fucking permission. I love feeling in control with what I do on Manzturbate, but with Colin looking at me with those eager eyes, I felt like I had him wrapped around my finger. I was in charge of his pleasure, and I could shut it down or let him play.

But, Colin, I would never fucking shut you down.

Then seeing him stroking his thick cock, how it pulsed as he came in two distinct streams, his eyes rolling back as he gritted his teeth… It reminded me of that first time we jerked off together. I don't remember being turned on as much as shocked by how he shot his load, since we don't come the same at all—at least, we didn't then or during the live stream. But now, thinking about it has my dick shifting again in my pants.

After the waitress brings us our drinks, I ask him, "So what did you think?"

Colin smirks. "I didn't feel like I left much to the imagination."

"You obviously had fun, unless you're that good at faking a good time. But I meant the live stream part."

Colin's shoulders tense up—a similar reaction as when the comments were rolling in on the feed. "Some of those guys are fucking demanding," he says, and his body language—tight fists, tense jaw, hunched shoulders—reminds me of when I'd tell him about the bullies I was dealing with at school. "I got a little worked up when I read a few, felt like I was memorizing the names in case I needed to track them down."

Though he says it half-seriously, there's something behind it; Colin's protective like that. And I like that he is.

"Yeah… I guess there's no point being coy about it after that, but that's what I like about it."

"Really?"

I widen my eyes as I nod, a grin expanding across my face. Strange to think I was keeping it from him before, and now that he knows about it, I want to share it all. "I like that's how bad they want it, you know? Like it's driving them wild."

"You were definitely doing that."

"And you thought you might have to step in and protect your little bro?"

Colin winces, but then raises his hand, demonstrating the size with his finger and thumb. "That much."

I laugh, a big one I have to cover my mouth to stifle.

He beams. "Glad to know my being there didn't keep you from being able to perform."

"Nope. It helped, actually," I blurt out, which catches his attention. "I mean, clearly, I enjoy being watched, so having someone there in person…it made it even be tter than just with the people online. A lot better."

Fuck, why am I saying this? Am I that determined never to commit another Step Don't again?

"Even though it was your stepbrother watching?"

I shrug. "Maybe because it was you."

"What?"

"We get each other. I feel comfortable and safe around you. It felt easy and chill…and hot, if I'm being real. You're hot. I'm bi. That shouldn't be a huge surprise."

I'm downplaying it because I've never felt as turned on by Colin as I was when we were doing that, never been thinking about the things I wanted to try with his dick…or what it would be like if he shot that load across me before feeding it to me. Okay, now I'm getting carried away…

"I should be asking what you were getting out of it, unless you're gonna tell me you were imagining a hot girl going down on you, in which case, don't hurt my feelings like that."

Is it weird that I'm nervous Colin would say something like that?

Of course it is! This is all weird.

Colin's brows jump. "Is that what you think got me to finish?"

"I'm still trying to make sense of that part. I mean, you're straight. And it was just me and this app. I thought maybe it was a combination of the voyeurism and it being a sexual thing."

"It was incredibly hot watching you do that, but I'm wondering if it's like what you just said. That it was hot because it was you."

He's putting it out there, and I shouldn't be surprised, considering what went down, but I am.

"What do you mean?"

His brows tug closer together. "I was hard because it was you, Ash. I was enjoying watching you enjoy it. It feels… different ."

"I—I—don't even know what to say to that."

For as long as I've known Colin, he's been my big straight stepbro, but now between what happened and what he's saying, I don't know what to think.

"Aren't I supposed to be the clueless one between us?" Colin asks.

I really shouldn't let myself go there. Like, sure, I thought a few times during it that it was all pretty queer, but I know Colin so well, and he tells me everything. If there was any inkling that he was curious, he would have said something to me…his bi bro.

Fuck, here I've been thinking about how hot it was, when he could be struggling with this or confused.

"Colin, do you think you could be queer?"

He hesitates for a moment. "Maybe. I saw some gay porn and got hard before, but I figured that's just because it was sex, not because of the guys. I've never really thought much about it until today. What's happening is definitely outside the realm of straight, but again, part of me wonders if it's just because it's with you."

I consider this. "But you've talked before about noticing when guys are attractive."

"I've never wanted to jerk off with them before, though. Like I said, I notice things—guys in porn or whatever—and maybe this was simply a physical reaction, but it felt different. That's the only way I can think to explain it."

He has a point there. It's one thing to notice someone's attractive, another when it makes you question your identity.

But now that a floodgate of questions has opened, I'm starting to worry. "Have I not been paying enough attention? Did you need me to bring it up? Or should we just drop it? You know, I think I'll shut up and let you tell me what you need. You know I'm here for you if you need to talk about anything, right?"

That gets him chuckling. "Now you're the one who's concerned about me. What is wrong with us? Maybe because I've known you as bi for so long, it seems like if that's what it is, that's what it is. I'm not going to stress about it, but I think it's adorable you care so much."

I can't shake my uneasiness, though. Not about him questioning why he's feeling this way, but that I—who proudly know him better than anyone else in the world—missed something.

Now I get why he was so rattled when he found out about my Step Don't.

Colin must see the anxiousness in my expression because he reaches over and takes my hand. It's not unlike something he would have done with me before, but it feels warmer than usual, and our gazes meet. I'm waiting for him to pull his hand away, but we both just start snickering as heat stirs in my cheeks.

"Is that doing anything for you?" I ask Colin.

"I don't know. Is my face as red as yours?"

"A little pink."

We're still snickering when the pizzas arrive. I'm annoyed they finished them so quickly because I was enjoying Colin's hand in mine. As the waitress finishes setting the food and plates up for us, we're grinning at each other.

Because where the fuck do we go from here?

When she finally heads off, I just spit it out. "This is so strange."

Colin shrugs. "What about today has been strange? I can't imagine what you're referring to."

"Why don't we call Marty and put him on speaker, tell him, and then gauge his reaction to determine how normal it is? "

Colin slides his phone out of his pocket. He's got one distinctly raised eyebrow.

"You would never."

"Oh, a challenge?"

"Yes, a fucking challenge."

Because there's no way in hell. And when he starts pulling up his contacts, I fold my arms. "If you think I'm stopping you, you're outta your goddamn mind."

Colin sets his phone down by the pizza so I can see Marty's name and photo as he places the call on speaker. The phone trills a few times. I doubt Marty will even answer, but we're both making eye contact. He must think I'm gonna snatch the phone and demand he not say anything.

The trilling stops, and Marty says, "Hey, man, what's up?"

"Oh, hey, Mart. Just wanted to reach out. Had something dirty I wanted to share with you."

"Oh really?" Marty's voice is full of interest. As much of a pain as he can be sometimes, the guy loves gossip.

"Ash and I just jerked off together, and I'm wondering if maybe that makes me queer? I'm certainly questioning things."

I notice he left out the live streaming, and I'm sure it's because that's my secret. Even when I'm fucking challenging him, he still goes out of his way to protect me .

I'm stunned that this is happening, but it's so us.

Marty's silent for a few moments. What the fuck is he gonna say? He's such a prude, he's gonna freak the fuck out.

But then I hear a deep roaring laugh, so loud that the audio blows out a few times. "What bet did you lose that you had to call and tell me that?"

"What the hell?" Colin says. "I call and share my innermost secrets with you, and this is the reaction I get?"

Surely he's saying all this because he knows there's no way in hell Marty's gonna believe any of it.

Marty's still in stitches. "Right, okay. Tell Troy I said hey. I get it. I need to lay off the stepbrother teasing. Got it. Noted. Now you know damn well I got studying to do, so I'll catch you later."

Marty hangs up, and Colin shakes his head. "Maybe I've actually tried to come out to my friends several times and they just don't believe me."

I'm fucking rocking about in my seat as I laugh. After what happened today and what he's shared, feels like I have a thousand questions, the most important being: Why am I into the live streaming? What's Colin experiencing? Could I be into my stepbrother? Could he be into me?

Whatever's happening, I'd never push him. Sure, everyone knows me as the guy who loves answers. But Colin makes me feel like it's okay not to have all the answers right now. Like we can figure this out together.

"You don't have to figure anything out today, Col. And I'm here for you, no matter what."

"Like sitting-through-a-live-stream-for-me here for me?"

I snort. Fucking snort. Oh my God. "As long as I'm the one on camera?"

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

We share another laugh.

"We're so weird," I say.

I fucking love the way we're weird.