Chapter 30

30

Atlas

Ifeel like I’m flying, have been for days. It’s ridiculous and dramatic and totally and completely embarrassing, but I can’t help it. Troy said he loves me, and I trust him. Believe him. That doesn’t mean there isn’t still a voice in my head telling me I’m not enough, that I don’t deserve him. That even if I give him everything, the way Mom did with Glen, one day he might still walk away from me.

I do my best to silence that voice, though, to bury it as deeply as I can until hopefully, it’ll disappear completely. I sure as shit don’t plan to let it dim the bright fucking light that is practically spilling from me.

God, love is the worst.

But it’s also the best.

I try to get my boyfriend—well, I assume he’s my boyfriend since we said we love each other—out of my head while I finish up my shift at the metal yard. We got three shipments today, and there’s a lot to sort. My earbuds are tucked in my ears, music helping me not to sit here obsessing about Troy all day.

It’s not easy.

I want to tell our parents about us, don’t want to hide, regardless of the fallout, but I also know that’s not fair to Troy. While he has issues with Ellie, they’re different from mine with Glen, and…and shit, there’s a part of me still holding out hope about Glen too. It’s the reason I went to his workplace the other day. As much as I tell myself it’s for Mom, I’m afraid there’s more to it than that because how can I ever be worthy of Troy’s love if my own dad doesn’t give a fuck about me? Doesn’t that say something about who I am?

Again, I try to shut those thoughts down. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why my feelings for Troy seem to have opened me up in other ways too. Like my feelings have been sucked up to the surface, and no matter what I do, they won’t stop lingering there.

An hour later my shift ends, and when I get to my car, I shoot a text to Brenner and Taylor to see what they’re doing. Troy isn’t supposed to be at my apartment until later this evening. He and Colin have some kind of frat plans, and as much as I want to keep him to myself, I know he hasn’t hung out with his friends as much since we’ve been together.

Me: What are you guys up to?

Taylor: Who is this?

I roll my eyes.

Me: Ha-ha.

Okay, so maybe Troy isn’t the only one who hasn’t been hanging out with his friends as much lately.

Me: For real. What’s up?

Brenner: We’re about to drive to Dayton to pick up this dirt bike I’m buying. Wanna go?

My first impulse is to say no. Dayton is close to home, and after my emotional trip to see Mom and my spontaneous visit to Glen’s office, I want to steer clear. But since Troy has plans, and I’m the one who reached out to the guys, I figure I should agree.

Me: Pick me up at my apartment.

Taylor: No.

I ignore that, knowing he’s just being a dick. They are already in the parking lot, waiting for me as I pull up, so I jump in the cab of Brenner’s truck. “Getting a new bike, huh?”

“New to me.” Brenner used to ride when he was younger, up until he left for college, but he hadn’t had a bike since.

“You gonna let me teach you to drive it?” he asks.

“Fuck no,” I respond automatically, but then reconsider. It could be fun. I remember riding 4-wheelers once with Troy when we were teenagers, the two of us competing about who could go faster. It had been on a camping trip with some of Glen’s friends. I’d accidentally gone through some brush that had scratched up the paint, and though the guy said it wasn’t a big deal, that the point of 4-wheelers was for them to get beat up having fun, Glen had made me feel like shit about it all weekend.

Troy, on the other hand, had looked at me with all this emotion in his eyes until we went home, almost sad, as if he’d been the one who fucked up. It had annoyed me at the time, but now, now I know he did it because he cared, because he hated the way Glen treated me.

“Okay, yeah, I wanna ride it. I’m gonna bring T,” I add.

“Aww, I think Atlas is in looooove,” Taylor teases. Absently, I rub the spot on my chest where his name is, strangely proud of the brand.

“Have you told him yet?” Brenner asks. “Just don’t do it when you’re fucking, or it doesn’t count.”

My stomach twists. “Umm…”

Both glance at me, but it’s Taylor who says, “Holy shit. You told him when you were balls-deep, didn’t you? Well, one of you was balls-deep, at least.” They laugh.

“Or did he say it first? Whatever happened, one of your asses needs to say that shit outside the bedroom too,” Brenner adds. “It’s bad luck for it to be said when you’re fucking. Pisses off the gods.”

“I…what…you… Has anyone ever told you you’re a fucking idiot?”

“Gods?” Taylor questions.

“Fuck yes. I believe in that shit. And if Atlas fucked up on the first rule of falling in love… I’m just sayin’ he’s gonna have some bad energy heading his way.”

“There’s something wrong with you,” I tell him, ignoring the stupid discomfort in my gut, but enjoying this time with my friends.

Taylor and I tease Brenner for a few minutes before Brenner says, “I’m just giving you shit. I’m sure if you told Troy you love him while you were boning, all is good. The gods are just glad to see you happy.” He winks at me, and I roll my eyes, but really, I appreciate it. As wild as they are, they’re good guys.

“Do your parents know?” Taylor asks, sounding nervous.

I shift uncomfortably. “Nah.” I wish I could say yes, that I could believe everything will be okay.

“Do you think they’ll lose their shit?” Brenner asks as he makes a turn.

“I’m gonna tell them I’m in a relationship with my stepbrother. What do you think?” Glen will care more than Ellie. She isn’t perfect, but she ultimately wants Troy’s happiness. With Glen it will be all about what the neighbors will think, and the people at his work. That’s all he cares about. Not me.

We drop the subject while we go to the guy’s house, where Brenner tests the bike and drives it. Then Taylor and I help get it into the back of the truck. It goes into a stand, and we have to strap it down so it doesn’t fall.

“Can we eat?” Taylor asks. “I’m fucking famished. Brenner made me do work, and I have to eat after I work.” He bats his lashes at Brenner in a silly, over-the-top way.

“Why are you acting like I would ever say no to food?” Brenner replies, and I have to admit, I could eat too.

We head to a burger place, and he parks where we can see the truck from the window, afraid of someone messing with his new baby.

I get a bacon cheeseburger, and while they talk shit to each other the way they always do, I can’t help wondering what Troy is up to.

When they start nudging each other across the table from me, I say, “The two of you should just bone and get it over with.”

Taylor’s mouth drops open.

Brenner just shrugs. “He’s hot. I’d bone him if he wasn’t straight.”

Taylor, getting the second jolt of surprise in less than a minute, whips his head in Brenner’s direction, and I say, “Well, everyone thought I was straight before Troy too.”

“I’m not… We can’t… You think I’m hot?” Taylor asks, and Brenner and I dissolve into laughter.

“Fuck you both.” Taylor crosses his arms and pretends to pout, but I can see that I put an idea in his head that had never crossed his mind before.

I’m about to make a joke about it, when my gaze catches on something out the window. Is that…? Glen gets out of the car across the street. What the hell is he doing in Dayton? But then, it’s not unusual for him to have a work lunch or dinner.

I expect him to go inside, but he waits on the sidewalk for a moment, his demeanor somehow familiar…and it suddenly feels like someone just dropped something onto my chest, the weight growing more and more with each passing second.

When I see him smile, despite knowing better, I wait for Ellie to approach him, only it isn’t Troy’s mom. Another woman smiles at him, and he leans in and presses his mouth to hers, before interlacing their fingers and walking into a restaurant.

No. No, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. Not again.

You’re going to lose Troy. You’re going to lose him like you did Mom. Why would he stay with you after he finds out? After your dad rips apart his family? How can he ever look at you after that?

My gut clenches. I shove to my feet, stumbling from the booth, almost running into the waitress while she brings our food.

“Atlas?” I hear Taylor call after me, but I can’t speak, can’t do anything other than try to get to the bathroom before my legs give out.

I barely make it into the bathroom stall before I collapse to the ground, dry heaving into the toilet.

How can I have to make this choice again? How do I deal with telling Troy that my dad is fucking another woman, again, knowing it will break his mom’s heart the same way it did mine?

I dry heave again, but nothing comes out. My forehead is sweaty, eyes stinging. Fuck him. Fuck him for being this kind of man, for taking my mom away from me and now risking Troy too.

How much different are you from him? You’re making this about yourself.

This isn’t about me. The stupid voice in my head is right, though. Part of the reason I hate Glen is that I fear I’m like him, that I’m selfish like him and an asshole like him.

The door creaks as I sit on the dirty floor.

“Atlas? Are you okay?” Taylor asks.

No, I’m really not.

“Stomach bug,” I lie. “Be out in a minute.”

“Is there anything we can do?” This from Brenner.

There’s nothing anyone can do. Just like before, it’s in my hands to blow up my family—or keep this terrible secret. I fucked up last time. I won’t allow myself to do it again. I just have to figure out how to tell Troy.

“All good,” I manage to get out.

They head back into the main part of the restaurant, and I splash water on my face before joining them, not speaking, just…watching Glen’s car.

Taylor and Brenner finish eating, we pay, and then Brenner says, “Let’s head out.” I follow him to the truck, knowing it makes me a coward that I don’t confront Glen now, but I just…fuck, I don’t have the energy.

Troy is at my apartment when I get there, waiting inside, and I immediately pull him into my arms, squeezing so tightly, I know it has to hurt.

“Hey, what’s wrong, A? Are you okay?”

Don’t leave me. Don’t let him take this from me.

I plaster a fake smile on my face. “I’m fine. Just missed you.”

He grins. “I missed you too.”

I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for not telling him right now, but I just can’t. Not yet.

I hug him again, holding on like everything will slip from my fingers if I loosen my grip even a little bit.