Chapter 25

Knuckles rapped on the cell door. Newt looked up from where he was burying his face in Leo's pillow. Most of the times, he breathed the scent in while his heart ached, but other times he sunk his teeth in, growling out his frustration.

The door swung open on Jude. He raised an eyebrow. "Well, at least you're not mauling it."

"Come back in a few hours, and I'll probably have moved on to the biting stage."

Jude snorted. "I hope not. Leo, he…he wants you to come see him."

Newt blinked. "What?"

"On the medical wing. He wants to talk to you."

"A few days ago, he made it clear he never wants to come back to me."

Jude winced. "Well, I've had a word with him."

"A word?"

"I told him at the very least he owes you an explanation, and after some intense scowling into a dark corner of the room, which was filthy I might add, he came to realise it's the right thing to do." Jude eyed Newt warily. "But only if you want to talk to him."

Newt sat up, releasing the pillow. He nodded once and slipped on his trainers. Everyone else was locked up except Bull, who strode past on the way to the servery.

Jude led the way, unlocking gates and tipping his head in greeting at prison officers Newt had never seen before. They passed the sign for the segregation unit, then turned a corner, practically crashing into the gate that led to the hospital wing.

Newt had been there days before, and he widened his eyes when Jude guided him to the very bed he'd been spaced out in after dissociating. Jude parted the curtain, making it clear he wasn't going to enter Leo's personal space while they talked.

Newt swallowed hard and stepped inside. Leo was sitting up in bed with the crinkling duvet covering his legs. He was shirtless, and Newt stared right at his chest, where his heart hid behind flesh and bone. He didn't see a scar.

Leo shifted, rustling the pillow supporting his back. He knew where Newt was looking. "They used my arteries to put the stents in." He raised his bandaged arms. "One in each wrist."

"What has the doctor said?" Newt croaked.

"Everything's looking good…or as good as expected."

Newt couldn't meet Leo's eyes. He nodded, then snapped his head up. "But what about the watch?"

Leo snorted softly and revealed one of his legs under the duvet. "Riley insisted I wear it around my leg until my wrist is better. I kept telling him I couldn't feel it on my wrist, but he wasn't budging."

"Good."

"Newt…"

It was the soft coaxing of his name that ground the heavy rocks in his stomach. He held up a hand, stopping Leo before he could begin.

"I know what you're going to say. You're doing this for the best, and maybe you've convinced yourself it's the truth. But you're wrong. And you have no idea how much that hurt, having Jenkins strip our cell bare of you without warning, believing with my whole heart you were coming back to me to find out you weren't…" He swallowed. "It reminded me of my mum."

"Newt," Leo said softly. He reached for Newt's hand.

"Don't," Newt told him. "Not unless you promise to take it, and not let it go."

Leo lowered his arm to the bed. "Hurting you was never my intention."

"Well, you failed that. She…she didn't choose not to come back, but you did. That hurts, not just hurts, but it's made me angry too."

Leo stiffened his jaw. "It's for the best."

"For whom?"

"Best for you."

"No," Newt said, stepping closer. "You don't get to decide that for me. I watched you collapse. I thought you were dead, And then…then I heard you were alive, you were going to get better, and I was so relieved, Leo. I've never felt relief like it, but Jenkins came in—" Newt clutched his throat. His voice had begun to waver. "He said you didn't want to come back to our cell, back to me."

"It's not like that."

"It sure as hell feels like that."

"I found out you'd had an episode?—"

Newt stiffened. "Don't use my condition against me."

"I'm not, I'm just saying." Leo looked away. "You once said you felt safe with me, and you shouldn't. I could die at any moment, and what if next time you dissociate, you find it harder to come back? What if they lock you in a facility again? What if your brothers lose you because of me?"

"I could walk out of here, and in some theoretical future where something bad happens, I could end up in one anyway, and that will have nothing to do with you. It sounds to me like you're using my health as an excuse to break my heart."

"Jesus, Newt." Leo scrunched his eyes shut. "That's not what I'm doing?—"

"I didn't choose this," Newt said, flicking his temple.

"And I didn't choose my condition either."

"You chose not to come back to E-wing. To our cell. It only took three days for you to decide to throw it all away, to change your mind about me."

"I haven't changed my mind."

"Was it that easy to?—"

"Nothing about this is easy," Leo snapped. He fisted the sheet. "Twenty-five."

Newt frowned. "Twenty-five?"

"That's life expectancy with my condition. I turn thirty-four in four weeks, Newt. This…this thing between us, as much as I want it, and I do, I want it so badly… It's too late."

"You don't know that."

"I was given eighteen months with you, and I thought it was doable. I thought I could look after you that long, but I couldn't. I almost died, and sometimes you'd say things about the future, including me in your plans, and your brothers, and Aaron would say it too, and I…" He shook his head. "There is no future with me. There's nothing beyond these walls. The…bodyguard, cellmate, or…whatever else was always going to end in here. I brought forward the inevitable…for both of our sakes, maybe even for mine more than yours."

"It's only inevitable because you chose not to see more."

"I'm being realistic. I have to be. Pretending like I'm not a time bomb is?—"

"I love you."

"Don't." Leo squeezed his eyes shut. "You don't get to say that."

"And you don't get to stop me."

"Newt…"

"And if that's not enough, then okay. But I just had to say it once to see how it feels." Newt smiled. "It's nice to say to you, even in this situation. I've wanted to say it for the longest time, but it never felt like the right moment. This doesn't feel like the right moment, but if you're really going to do this, if you're really going to walk away, then I have to say it now before I don't get the chance to say it at all."

Leo pressed his lips into a grim line.

Newt winced at the crack to his heart. He turned to leave.

"It's…it's not that I don't feel the same…"

"If you did, you wouldn't be pushing me away. You'd hold me close and tell me everything's going to be okay."

"But I don't know that. I can't promise you that. I wish I could, but I can't."

"No one can, Leo. They're words, but it's the meaning behind them that's true. I'd rather take my chance on whatever time we have together than have no more time at all, but if you don't feel the same…"

Newt backed away. When Leo didn't look like he would say anything else, he hung his head and turned around. He jumped at the rustling duvet, the slap of Leo's feet on the ground and the shriek of the monitor beside the bed.

Leo's arms came around him, pulling him into a hug. He pressed his chin down on Newt's head and just held him. Jude rushed over but backed off when he realised Leo wasn't in danger like the machine believed.

Newt turned in Leo's arms. He looked up at him, feeling his own eyes sting at the sight of Leo's red-rimmed ones.

"It hurts." Leo bit his lip hard enough it punctured skin. "It really hurts."

Newt didn't waver at the bead of blood. "What does?"

Leo took a deep breath. "Everything."

"You're Mr No Pain. You don't hurt."

"You know that's not true." His eyes were wet. "I don't know what to do, Newt. If…if it was an ideal world, you know I'd?—"

"It's as close to one as it's going to get."

"I can't be who you want me to be."

Newt thumped a fist to Leo's chest. "You're exactly who I want you to be. You don't know what to do? Well, I do. You're going to drop this self-sacrificing nonsense and come back to me. That's what you're going to do. And I'm gonna hug you, and be angry at you a little, and fair warning, I might bite you."

"What?" Leo chuckled. He sniffed and brushed off a tear on his shoulder. "Why would you bite me?"

"I just might."

The curtain squealed as the doctor dragged it along the rail. "What the hell is going on in here?"

Newt took a step back from Leo's embrace.

The doctor whirled on Jude behind him. He gestured to Newt. "Why is he here disturbing my patient?"

"No idea," Jude replied. He tipped his head in the direction of the door. "Shall we?"

Newt glanced back at Leo who'd perched on the edge of the hospital bed while the grumbling doctor hooked him back up to the machine.

"Come back to me, Leo."

* * *

"Don't look behind you," Thomas said, curling over the table. Seven days had passed since he'd gone to see Leo in the hospital wing.

Newt and Bull sat opposite Thomas, and both turned towards the gate. Leo stood in the central hub. The broken piece of Newt's heart twitched once at the sight of him, then again when Leo glanced their way.

The connection only lasted a second and seemed almost accidental from Leo's perspective. He startled, before not just looking away but turning his back on Newt too.

It hurt, but Newt forced the emotion back.

He wouldn't break down until he was alone in their cell where he could sob and sink his teeth into Leo's pillow.

"I said not to look," Thomas hissed. "Do you not understand English?"

Scott sighed. "Everyone knows that telling someone not to look is a sure way of making them look. You shouldn't have said anything."

"I was giving him a heads-up?—"

"His head was down, looking at his cards, and now they're all over the floor."

Scott was right. They'd slipped from Newt's fingers. He couldn't even remember what game they were playing, or what day it was, or what time. Leo had blanked his mind completely.

Jenkins unlocked the gate to D-wing, and Leo strolled inside without looking back. He'd made his choice.

"That awkward moment when you see an ex across the street," Thomas remarked.

"Across the street?" Scott snorted. "Surely you'd have to look in grasslands, forests and deserts for yours."

Thomas's laugh was all hissing snake.

"Try having six ex-wives," Bull said. "Try having them all in the same sodding court room while you're sentenced."

Newt turned to him. "That's why you're in here?"

"Bigamy. I was married to three women at the same time."

"But you said six."

Bull nodded grimly. "The other three came along to watch me get sent down. I hear they're all friends now."

Thomas tilted his head. "They probably bonded over what a dick you are."

"Hey," Bull snapped. "I'm not a dick. I just love to love especially when it's the beginning, all hot sex and excitement." He looked at Newt. "What's your equivalent? Long talks and lots of cuddles?"

Newt's bottom lip trembled.

"Nice going," Scott said, and jolted in his chair.

"Ow!" Bull shifted back to rub his leg. "That hurt, pretty boy."

"It was supposed to."

"Yeah, yeah." Bull winced. "Sorry, Newt." He reached down and picked the playing cards off the floor. "Damn, you had a couple of aces."

"I can't even remember what we were playing," Newt admitted towards his lap.

Bull patted him between the shoulders.

"First love sucks like arse," Bull said, shaking his head.

Newt frowned. He bit his lip.

"What is it?" Scott asked.

"I'm still trying to work out what Bull meant." He linked eyes with Scott. "Do arses suck?"

Thomas wrapped his arms around himself as he laughed. Scott's face contorted into a lot of complicated shapes, but he didn't manage to say anything.

"I didn't mean actually," Bull said. "It was just a phrase to express how shit it is."

"Sucks like arse," Newt repeated at Scott.

A blush formed on Scott's cheeks. "Are you actually asking me if arses do that?"

"I don't know."

"They kinda do," Scott said. "Not suck as such, more like, pull, a little."

"I'd always thought they'd do the opposite."

Scott's complexion turned from a soft pink to a deep red. "Yeah, they do, until you get to a certain point, and then it's more, pull."

Thomas poked Scott's cheek. "I could fry an egg on you."

"Is that another of your kinks?" Scott snapped back.

"Maybe we should experiment."

"I wasn't using the verb suck." Bull rubbed his brow. "I meant suck as in shit."

Newt looked at him. "I know that, but it made me think, and anything to do with arses, I ask Scott."

Thomas rocked back in his chair with another laugh. "Well, that's what he's known for. The sexpert of E-wing."

Scott did a small bow, then elbowed Thomas in the side. He looked at Newt, then over him as his mouth slowly opened.

"Hold up…"

"What is it?" Newt asked, not wanting to look behind him.

"Leo is in the central hub again… He's…he's got two bags of belongings." His eyes tracked movement, stopping at the gate. "And Jude is letting him onto E…"

Newt jumped when he heard the clunk of the gate. His eyes were burning, and he pressed his lips together to conceal any mortifying sound that might escape.

Thomas peered over the table. "What's wrong with your face?"

"I think he's trying not to burst into tears," Scott said with a wry smile.

"That's a shame."

Newt heard Leo's footfalls. He didn't even know he could recognise them until they were passing the table.

"And…" Scott continued his running commentary. "He seems to be going back into your cell."

Newt went to stand, but Bull pushed down on his shoulder. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm going to see him, obviously."

"Let him sweat for a bit," Bull suggested.

Thomas nodded. "An hour or so."

Newt widened his eyes. "An hour?" He looked at Scott for advice.

"I happen to agree with them," Scott said.

Bull slapped the table. "First time for everything."

"Okay." Newt nodded. "An hour."

Newt lasted ten minutes.

Leo stood facing the window as Newt approached. He'd put his possessions back, and the empty plastic bags peaked out from beneath the bunk.

"I'm so happy you came back."

It was an understatement, but so many emotions were assaulting him all at once.

Leo didn't say anything.

"But I think I'm angry with you too," Newt whispered.

Leo turned his head and spoke over his shoulder. "That's fair. I'm angry at myself too."

"Because you cut me out or because you came back?"

Leo snorted. "Both. Neither. I didn't mean to hurt you. I convinced myself you'd be better off without me."

"That's not true."

Leo shook his head. "I feel like life is mocking me. It's giving me everything I've ever wanted, but with this dark shadow over it, threatening to snatch it away at any moment."

"It's the same for everyone," Newt whispered. "They just can't see the shadow like you can. They haven't been told to watch out for it their whole life like you have."

"It's not the first time I've nearly died, but it was the first time I was scared. Scared and afterwards, angry. How could I feel that good, that content with life, and not know it was being taken away from me until it was almost too late?" He shook his head, "Thank God for your brother, huh?"

"Brothers." Newt swallowed. "They were all there for you." He looked down. "But not me. I couldn't even stay in my own head for you?—"

"Hey." Leo spun around and tipped Newt's chin up. "That's not your fault."

"It doesn't make me feel any less shit about it." He lifted his face from Leo's hand. He held his arm out, hand to Leo's chest to keep him back. "I wanted to go to you. I wanted to help, but I didn't."

"Couldn't," Leo said firmly. "You couldn't."

"Same thing."

"It's not and you know it."

"I hate it."

"I know, and I hate my own condition, but you told me not to push you away, and I'm asking you to do the same."

Newt dropped his hand from Leo's chest and looked up at him.

"I'm sorry for hurting you," Leo said. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that I wasn't good for you, that this will just lead to heartbreak, and I can't stand the thought of it."

"You are good for me," Newt insisted. "And my heart, although a little sore, isn't broken, but there's an easy fix to make it whole again."

"What?"

"You hug me."

Leo dragged him close by the shoulder and wrapped his arms around Newt, leaning his whole body into the embrace. Newt exhaled, listening to the thump of Leo's heart. He snuggled deeper, trying to somehow detect the stents inside, but Leo's heart sounded as solid as it always had.