14. Arianne

Footsteps thud after me.

I need to hide.

At home, I know all the exits and which rooms have door locks.

I run outside the clubhouse, looking left and right. The tree line at the end of the property has a wire fence and an army of brambles. There's a garage across the lot, and the door appears to be open. I could run there until Halo calms down.

Why do I always find myself in these situations?

Headed straight for the door, I run by Gwen, who is getting something out of the back of Clutch's truck.

"You okay, Arianne?" she shouts.

If I stop and talk to her, Halo might see me. I just need distance.

So, I keep running. Once inside, I look for a hiding place. The pit beneath a vehicle raised up on a platform. Behind some oil drums. An office.

Tears sting my eyes.

I try to regain some control of my heart that feels one beat away from exploding. Halo isn't Patrick. I'm not at risk.

I repeat it over and over.

I'm not at risk.

I'm not at risk.

I'm not at risk.

I slide down against the wall, all out of energy. Someone once said that your emotional load is like a snow globe. A snow globe needs time to settle between shakes. But I feel utterly shaken out.

I take a breath, then another. Slow and steady. Trying to bring myself down.

I'll deal with Halo's words once I feel like I'm not going to die of a heart attack. The concrete is hard and cool as I lean my head back against it.

Minutes pass. I'm not sure how long it is before I hear a voice.

"Arianne? It's Rae. Can I come in and talk with you, or would you rather be alone for a while?"

At least it's not Halo.

"Sure," I say, swiping beneath my eyes and then smoothing my hair down.

She stops about seven feet away and hops onto a large tool bench. "Tough day?" she asks.

"You ever get your tire stuck in a snowbank?" I ask.

"I used to live in Michigan, so snow tires went on before the first snow, but I get the phenomenon."

I glance over at some wrenches hung in diminishing sizes on hooks. "I feel like I'm stuck in a snowbank. It's a mess. I feel trapped, like I can't get out. I try to ease back to move forward, and all I do is lose ground. I try to plough forward, and I just make a mess. I'm going back and forth, never making progress."

"And how does that feel?"

I glance up at Rae. "Fucking exhausting."

Rae nods in agreement. "I can imagine. You've gone through a lot in a short period of time."

I drape my forearms over my knees. "I don't even know why I'm here. It was the prompt I needed to leave Patrick. But I need to find my own independence. I barely know you, and I'm in the aftermath of an embarrassing panic attack brought on by a man saying some awful things about me. I need to leave. I need to take Lola with me. I don't even know where to start, because I've got no job, no place to live, nowhere to?—"

"Arianne," Rae says firmly.

"Sorry."

She shakes her head. "You don't need to say sorry. But your emotions are like marbles right now. They're pouring out of you like an overfilled cup, spilling all over the floor. We need to organize your emotions and separate them from the practical responsibilities you need to manage."

"How do I do that?"

"First off, we need to get you a place to write things down. Are you a digital girl or a pen and paper girl?"

I think about it for a second and remember the notebook Halo bought me that's sitting next to my bed. "Probably a pen and paper girl."

She drops off the counter and walks over to a desk in the corner. Out of it, she pulls some notepaper and a pen. "Two columns. Emotions at the top of one. Actions at the top of the other." Rae hands me the sheets.

"Now?" I ask.

"Why not? Fearing what the future holds would be an emotion. Finding somewhere to live is a practical tangible action. Doesn't matter if it's not perfect. And don't overthink it."

I do as she asks.

Things spew out of my head at rapid fire, switching between actions and emotions. Find a job. I feel embarrassed. Talk to Halo about blood tests. Find a lawyer. Call my parents. Get a divorce. Feels wrong to give up on the idea of marriage. Where do I even belong? What does the rest of my life look like? I'm lonely. Why does no one think I'm loveable? Anger that I can't have kids. Will fight for Lola.

All of it.

I don't even pause.

Until my mind feels empty.

The band around my chest loosens.

I have no solutions, but my head feels empty.

"Feel better?" Rae asks.

I feel exhausted. Like I just ran a marathon. "I will."

"Good. Halo is outside. He told me to give you this message. He's sorry and wants to talk to you. Are you happy to speak with him? If not, King is willing to drive you and Lola to our house, and you can stay with us for a month while you find your feet."

"Why would you do that?" I ask. "I mean, thank you. But why?"

"Because we can help. For what it's worth, Halo is a good guy. He thought to ask me to come speak to you instead of charging in himself because he didn't want to scare you."

It fits with what I've learned about him. "I just overheard him with that club girl, Penny."

Rae shakes her head. "Penny has her own baggage and reasons for being who she is and doing what she does. I'm not going to judge another woman's path. But I'll bet you a hundred bucks there is more to whatever you just heard."

She's right. "He's not given me reason to not trust him. Yet."

"King and I met under…interesting circumstances. And when Halo thought King might be…being cruel, he was going to step in and kick his president's ass. Whatever just happened, I think it might be worth hearing Halo out. But I can get King to bring the truck over if you don't want to."

"Okay, I'll speak with Halo." I stand up. If I'm going to talk with him, I need to find my wits.

"You want me to stay?"

I shake my head, and Rae hugs me before heading to find Halo. I glance down at my list. So much on it feels utterly daunting. But I add some things to the emotions column.

I've survived the worst.

It's going to get better from here.

Don't rely on a man ever again.

Find my own money.

I am worth caring for.

"Hey," Halo says. His hair is now up in a messy man bun.

"Hey."

"That was a dick thing to say. I'm sorry." He looks contrite, but then how many times had Patrick bought me flowers the next morning as an unspoken apology?

"It was."

"My own emotions got the better of me, some shit I hadn't dealt with bubbled to the surface, and it took over my own clarity."

I boost myself up onto the metal unit Rae had sat on. "Talk to me."

"About what?"

"About the shit you hadn't dealt with."

He shakes his head. "Not dumping my shit on to someone else."

"Funny how you keep expecting me to dump my shit on you."

"Brat." Halo comes and rests his butt on the edge of the unit and folds his hands across his chest. We're both looking at the wall ahead of us. "We think we know who killed Dad and Mercy but haven't been able to find them."

This is news. I want them caught. "If you know who it is, why can't you go to the police?"

"Because the evidence is circumstantial. Plus, I want to kill the motherfuckers, watch them bleed out onto the ground for killing my dad."

I understand the concept of revenge. There have been times when I dreamed of killing Patrick in his sleep, but I'm too scared of getting caught or ending up in prison.

And it's also a stark reminder of the kind of life Halo leads. Of what this club is all about.

I think about the exercise Rae just made me do. "That feels like the action you want to do. What's the emotion driving it?"

Halo glances my way. "Revenge. Anger. A lot of shit."

"What else?" I ask.

"Can't that be enough?"

I hold out my pieces of paper. "You're getting off easy. I had to write a list."

Halo glances down at my sheets, but I snatch them away before he can take them from me and read anything. "Rae?"

I nod. "I like her."

"Me too. Did she tell you King kidnapped her in revenge for some shit her brother, Saint, pulled?"

"Wait. What? Briar told me Saint was Rae's brother. King kidnapped Rae. Like, took her without her consent?"

"Last time I checked, the ‘without consent' part is a critical part of kidnaping. And you can cool your heels. They're madly in love and shit now." Halo shoulder checks me gently. "But it's also why you can't be running off through the clubhouse on your own. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"You think I'm unsafe here?"

At this, Halo lets out a sigh. "Not really. I guess I just feel the need to take care of you, kitten."

"You call me ‘kitten,' but I'm not just a street cat you take in and care for. In fact, it's the opposite. I need to find my own feet."

"I believe you. That you're Lola's aunt," Halo says.

"Good. Because that was a really mean thing to say."

"I know. I'm not a perfect human being, Arianne."

I turn to face him. "Then stop trying to pretend you are. Isn't it the truth that we're all a little bit Gatsby? A little bit wild and eccentric and lost with a compulsion to be loved?"

I reach for Halo's hand, and he lets me take it. Somewhere deep inside, I find a drop of courage and tug him to me. He steps between my legs and wraps his arms around me. Even as our good bits line up against each other, it's the security and safety I feel in his arms that helps the last of my shivers fade.

He wraps my ponytail around his fist then releases it, and for a moment I can let go of some of my worries.

"I'm sorry my club put you in this situation, Arianne. But I promise you, I'm not going to leave you to figure out what to do next alone."

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask quietly.

Halo steps back a little. "Depends."

I smile at his reluctance. "Why didn't you let Penny touch you?"

"Not sure that's any of your business."

"Seeing as you've been up in my business, I feel like it might be a little bit."

Halo grabs the end of my ponytail and gives it a little tug. "Watch it, kitten."

I don't tell him it makes me feel a little melty when he calls me that.

"Fine." His eyes search my face, and his hand cups the back of my neck firmly. "There's a woman I have no right to be thinking of."

I'm certain it's me. "Why have you no right to be thinking of her?"

His fingertips stroke my skin, and a shiver runs down my spine. "Because she and I are opposites."

"In what way?"

Halo watches my lips move. "Because I'm a Dom, Arianne. And the last thing the woman on my mind needs is another man dominating her, even if he makes sure she enjoys it."

I slip my fingers through the belt loops of his jeans and shimmy closer to the edge of the tool cabinet. Our bodies press closer together. "What if she told him it didn't feel the same way at all?"

"Ari," he warns.

"I don't intend to give myself to a man to control ever again," I say. "But some fun could be…fun."

"No." He rubs his thumb over my lower lip, then shakes his head. "Are we good, Arianne?" His voice is gruff, rumbling, and it makes my insides flutter.

"We could be better."

He raises an eyebrow.

"Yes. We're fine."

Halo releases my neck and lifts me off the tool cabinet. "Good. Let's go cut Lola's cake."

But I don't miss the fact he holds my hand all the way back into the clubhouse.