CHAPTER 39

Verian

ANOTHER SHIFT OVER, ANOTHER meal in the dining hall.

What had once seemed so comforting, the strict rules and schedule, now just seemed empty, monotonous. Verian had countless days like this to look forward to.

And now, where he normally found relief in passing his time by daydreaming of Vita, thoughts of her made his chest clench uncomfortably, his throat as dry as the sun soaked summer soil.

"You've been awfully quiet," Drusus said, finishing the hearty stew in front of him.

Beef and vegetables, a delicacy for lowly guards, and yet Verian had barely touched his food. He had not felt much like eating since Vita had been so cold, so distant. Somehow he hoped they could return to the way things were, but even that thought made his stomach hurt. How could they ever go back after what had happened between them, after he revealed the truth of his love?

When he didn't respond, Drusus grabbed both bowls, bringing them to the waste disposal before returning to his spot on the bench.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

Verian and Drusus ambled along the interior of the city walls, dusk casting heavy shadows across the stone streets. They'd walked in silence for a few minutes, though Verian tensed for what was to come. As close as they were, Drusus had never been the type to offer a casual stroll through Shadowholde.

A raven passed by overhead, silky black wings beating through the air, Verian following its flight with his gaze.

"You really should go speak with her. You can't go on like this, the not eating, the not sleeping."

There it was.

Verian sighed heavily. "I've tried. She doesn't want to see me. I need to give up. I'm hoping that with time, she'll agree to be friends again."

Drusus stopped and turned to him, grasping his shoulder. "Is that really what you want? To be friends with her?"

"It's not all about sex—" he started, but Drusus interrupted.

"I know that. Just because I talk about it a lot doesn't mean that's all I care about. I know you love her as more than a friend. And I know you have feelings for the High Consul as well."

How in the Hells could he possibly know that? A sweat broke out on Verian's brow and he felt like he was on fire despite the cool evening air .

When he said nothing, eyes sinking to the ground, Drusus continued. "I'm not a complete fool, you know. The way you talk about him… you try to be sneaky, but I can see right through you. You don't have to worry. I would never tell anyone."

Verian glanced at his friend, some of the anxiety settling, though he was still confused. Was he really that obvious? Hadn't he been perfectly pragmatic when speaking of the High Consul? He'd certainly censored any stories of his experiences with the man.

Drusus squeezed his shoulder, a friendly smile on his normally smug face.

"You're about as transparent as a piece of glass, though only because I know you well. You don't need to act all worried. I thought I'd made it obvious that I felt the same as you… about men. I mean, I've been hitting on you for years."

Now Verian's heart raced, though a pleasant sensation bubbled in his chest, like a laugh was brewing. Something he hadn't felt since Vita had spurned him. He quirked a brow at Drusus' admission.

"You've been hitting on me?"

"Clearly not very well. Do you not remember those times I asked you to join me with a woman?"

Yes, there had been a time or two, even before Drusus had shown interest in Vita. Verian just hadn't realized it had been about him along with the potential female companions.

He cleared his throat. "I… think we're better off as friends."

Drusus chuckled. "I know. I agree. You have your heart set on someone else, on more than one person. That's why I'm here to talk."

Verian turned away, the piercing gaze too much. "You know it doesn't matter. I have my oath, my duty."

"Did you ever think that there were more important things than your career? Is this really how you see yourself living the rest of your life? Verian the romantic, spending all his days serving everyone but himself."

The words echoed through him and he tried to dig way back into his memory, before he'd been dropped off at the training collegium when his mother had passed away. His father had already been long gone at that point, killed in an incident with bandits at the city gate. The man had devoted himself to guarding the walls of Shadowholde and what had it gotten him? A pauper's grave, a grieving widow, and eventually, an orphan son.

His mother had not been the same after his father had passed. Verian had wanted to be just like him, devoting his life to protecting others. But city guard, centurion? Those had been goals instilled in him from the harsh lessons at the collegium. Was centurion the only way he could protect others, protect the city?

"Think about it," Drusus continued, as if sensing his spiraling thoughts, then pulled him into a tight hug.

Verian sighed, letting the comfort of his friend's touch wash over him. Had they ever hugged before? And the words he spoke… the truth they carried frightened him.

If he didn't have the Praetorian guard, what did he have? The thought made him feel empty, like a cavernous maw had swallowed his whole being, and yet, there was a prickle of hope.

He did have something, or rather, someone. Perhaps there were other ways he could serve Shadowholde, while also serving himself.

When they parted, Drusus had a big smile on his face, and Verian couldn't help but mirror the look before raising his brows.

"You're not going to try to kiss me, are you?"

Drusus laughed as he released Verian's shoulders, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, friend, that ship has long since sailed. You're going to have to ask someone else for a kiss if you want one."