Chapter Twenty-Two

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Ellie

I was going to kill Floyd when I found him.

Oh, who was I kidding? I'd shower him with kisses and feed him so much he couldn't move.

So much for the delicious rush of oxytocin Kieran had given me. After multiple man-assisted orgasms, I should have been humming with contentment, giggling with joy, even skipping down the street singing a terrible version of the "Hallelujah" chorus. Instead, I was yelling for my idiot cat.

"Floyd!" I called for the thousandth time, shaking his treats.

"Floyd! Come on, pal," Kieran called, bending down to look under the Andersons' hedge.

I'd told him he could stay home and come to work once I'd found the delinquent, but he'd gotten dressed and into the car with me.

"I'm not going to let you deal with this by yourself," he'd said. "You're my friend."

For a second, I'd wished he were more.

"Floyd!" he called again now.

"Why didn't I adopt a dog?" I said. "Cats don't give a shit what name you call them."

"He's a little jerk, but he loves you," he said. "And when he figures out there aren't any snacks where he is, he'll come back."

Ben, Hank, Kieran, and I reconvened in front of the cottage thirty minutes later.

"We'll find him, sweetheart, don't worry," Ben said. "He's so big he'll be hard to miss. And you left out the can of tuna for him—he can't resist that."

"I guess," I said. The neighbors were nice and said they'd keep an eye out, but Floyd could be stealthy.

"Isn't this what cats are supposed to do, Shrimp?" Hank said. "He didn't like being inside."

I rubbed my forehead, pinched my nose, but tears still threatened to break the dam I'd put up. I should have been used to being left, but it hurt more and more every time. "But Floyd is sick, " I said, my voice tight with the sob I was holding back. "I tried so hard to keep him safe and happy, and now he's gone ."

My brother suddenly looked ten years younger, shoulders hunched. "Shit, don't cry, Ellie."

I wouldn't cry. I couldn't. The wetness I could feel was just my eyes watering for no reason. But if I stayed here any longer, I'd lose it completely. I grabbed for the cottage door and slammed it behind me.

Kieran

I imagined Ellie crying alone, and my heart bashed against my rib cage.

"But it wasn't my fault, " Hank said. "Why is she mad at me? She can't be mad at me. I didn't do anything wrong ."

I didn't realize I'd started toward him until Ben's hand was on my chest. "Wait a minute," he said, his voice oh-so-quiet.

"He hurt her," a wolf inside me snarled back. "He made her cry ."

His hand stayed where it was, but he blinked. Like out of nowhere, he recognized me. "Another young hothead," he said, laughing softly. "Of course she would."

"Ellie?" Hank whined at the door. "Say it's OK, Ellie. I didn't mean to."

Ben shook his head when I pushed against his hand. "Yes, you're furious, that's all well and good. But what would help Ellie right now?"

God damn it, I hated when other people were right. I held my open hands up, and he stepped back, nodding. "Why are you still here?" I growled at Hank.

Ellie's brother turned around and blinked at me, his mouth wide open. "I'm staying here. My stuff is inside."

I stalked over to him and jammed my hands in my pockets so I wouldn't poke him in the chest. "No. Why are you not in Pasadena? You've been making your sister sleep on her tiny couch for almost two weeks. You've been eating her food without paying for groceries and leaving dirty dishes everywhere. You are the worst houseguest ever."

"But she told me I should sleep in her bed," he said, looking confused. "I didn't have anywhere else to go."

"Is that true? You have a job, and friends."

Hank stared at the ground. "Ellie loves me."

What a lucky bastard he was. "Do you love her?"

Hurt blue eyes snapped to mine. "Of course. Who the hell are you, asking me if I love my sister?"

I stopped cold. I was her friend? Who she slept with? The one who thought mine when I kissed her and fix it when she was sad?

No. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I'd known who she was to me when her lips touched mine for the first time at my parents' party.

Love .

"He's her champion," Ben said behind me.

The words stopped me in my tracks. That was technically right. I'd won Fire on High . But what a weird thing to call me.

"And he's right," he continued. "You need to go home and take responsibility for your own life, Hank."

Hank dragged his toe in the gravel. "I just wanted her to make everything better."

"I know what you wanted. But you're not a child anymore, and Ellie can't fix this for you." He jerked his head toward the house. "Go inside. I'll help you make plans, but I need to talk to Kieran first."

"But Ben," he tried.

Ben's eyebrows snapped together. " Now, Hank."

Hank glared at me like he blamed me for his stupid bullshit, and I stared right back. What I felt for his sister must have come through, because even though he was almost a foot taller than me, he shrank back.

When the door to the house finally shut, Ben ran a hand through all his white hair and tugged. "I don't know why she didn't send him to us in the first place. We've got empty guest rooms."

After six months, I knew in my bones Ellie would take care of her own, even if it killed her. "Not her style."

Ben's smile was pained. "You're absolutely right. If I could, I'd go back in time and smash her useless, selfish parents' skulls together, may their names be erased."

Ellie had dropped breadcrumbs that made me think her childhood hadn't been the happiest, but now I felt like I'd opened a door into real darkness. The kind where monsters hung out. "Why?" I asked tentatively.

"She hasn't told you," he groaned. "Of course she hasn't, even though it's not her fault. But it's her story to tell, not mine." His exhale was a long, deep rumble. "You should look after her."

"Me?"

He stared like I'd farted IQ points. "Who else?"

"But she's not my…" I hesitated again, unable to name us.

He folded his arms. He had impressive biceps for an old dude. "Before you finish that sentence, remember my daughter is a queen. You shouldn't toy with her feelings."

If anyone's feelings were getting messed with here… wait. " Your daughter?"

I didn't know a man's eyes could soften and still burn holes in me. "In every way that counts."

I looked for his shotgun and shovel. "But we just work together."

His eye roll was the spitting image of Ellie's. "Sure, that's why you look at her like she's the answer to every question you've ever had."

Embarrassment and shyness and a little bit of relief swirled in my stomach. Like I wasn't carrying a secret by myself anymore. "I don't know how," I said. "And she doesn't want that from me."

Ben sighed. "She just needs someone to stay, Kieran. Why not you?"

It was a question as direct as Floyd plonking himself on my chest. Why not me?

"Go on. Take care of her. I need to make sure that feckless boy asks for real help like he should have done in the first place."

I didn't want to say that, not that long ago, I could have been that feckless boy.

"Hank?" Ellie hiccuped from behind the screen when I opened her door.

"No, it's me."

A sad little sigh. "Hey."

I walked around the screen and sat on the end of her mattress. Her body was a curled-up shape facing the wall, and she held on to a pillow like it was a teddy bear. I knotted my fingers together to keep from pulling her into me.

"I'm terrible," she said.

"That's not true."

A wet sniff. "I let everyone down."

"You've never let me down. Ever. And you're not terrible. You're amazing."

She turned over, and her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. A tear leaked, and she rubbed it away. "Sorry. I'll stop crying."

My mouth fell open. "Why the fuck are you sorry? It's Hank's fault that Floyd got out. Of course you're mad and sad."

She gulped a few times. "Bad habit. My parents would get annoyed and walk away whenever I cried." She scoffed at herself. "It's been twenty years. I should be over it."

May their names be erased , Ben had said about Ellie's mom and dad. I silently added, May their names be blown up with dynamite . How could anyone be so mean to my sweet girl? I said, "I'm not going anywhere. Tell me how to make you feel better."

She stared at me, and my stomach fell into my shoes when I thought she might ask me to leave her alone. Instead, she whispered, "Hold me tight?"

Oh, thank Christ. I didn't dive for her, but it was close.

She sniffled into my chest. "I know this isn't keeping it light."

I wanted to dropkick those words into the sun. "Just because we're doing that doesn't mean I can ignore it if you're hurting."

She didn't respond, just snuggled closer. It felt so good to have her in my arms again. Even if it was for a shitty reason.

"Do you want a nap?" I asked.

Her wet eyes opened wide. "What about Floyd?"

"We'll go look for him later. But I kept you up too long last night."

After a second, she put her hand gently over my heart. "Last night was fun," she said, giving me a watery smile.

"Life-changing" was what I would have said, but "fun" worked, too. I trailed my hand up and down her arm, then stopped as I remembered Ben's words. "What does the word ‘champion' mean? Besides winning something?"

"Keep touching me, please." I started stroking her again. "It means being a supporter or a fighter for someone. It's an old-fashioned way of saying it, like a knight would be a queen's champion in a joust. Why?"

"No reason." I wasn't anyone's idea of a knight in shining armor, but I had to try, for her. I had to know what was really wrong. "Ellie, where are your mom and dad?" I asked gently.

The bleakness that washed across her face made me want to howl. When she didn't answer after a few seconds, I whispered, "I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me."

She swallowed hard. "No, you can ask. I know it's weird with Hank." She focused on her hand on my chest. "My parents dated on and off in college, but when my mom got pregnant, my dad didn't want to keep me. She said she'd raise me on her own, as a ‘fuck you' to him. So she and I lived with my grandparents for a few years while she finished her nursing degree. My dad would show up sometimes when he wasn't on the road with his band. Then when I was five, he decided he wanted to be with my mom after all, and they got married and had Hank. Then we moved to LA and it was OK, for a little bit." She sniffled. "They seemed happy. Not so happy when I acted up, so I learned not to. You're tense."

I opened my clenched fists and ran my hands down her back instead. "Sorry. Then what?"

"Then when I was nine, my mom met a hotshot surgeon at the hospital where she worked. They weren't discreet, and when my dad found out, he slept with our next-door neighbor. A lot of shouting, and then he was gone. That last fight was when I found out that neither of them had really wanted me.

"Mom, Hank, and I moved, and then there were a lot of new places, and new men."

My stomach bottomed out. "They didn't hurt you, did they?"

She shook her head hard. "Not that kind of story, thank God. But my mom was either on shifts or out with her flavor of the week, and my grandparents were too frail and sick by then, so Hank only had me. That's how it's been for twenty years."

"You had to be his mother." The hugeness of it hit me. "You grew up way too fast."

Ocean-blue eyes found mine, searching for something. After I held her gaze, silently telling her how brave she was, she nodded slowly. "Yeah, I did. I was the only sixteen-year-old in line at school pickup. But I wanted him to go to basketball practice and math club. I wanted to make him a real dinner and help him with his homework. Give him a stableish childhood."

The one her parents hadn't bothered to give her. I knew I couldn't change what had happened, but I could try my hardest to make things better from here on out.

Her fingertip lightly tapped my forehead. "What's happening in there?"

"You're a lioness," I said firmly.

She blinked. "Lioness?"

"Max thought you were a kitten. But you're so much more. Lionesses do all the hunting and care for the cubs, too. The lions are deadbeats compared to them." I rubbed her head. "It goes with your hair."

Her mouth opened, closed, opened. Just when I was about to backpedal, she kissed me. It was tender and soft, and I tried to tell her all the things I couldn't say out loud: that I adored her, that I would be hers forever if she wanted, that she was sugar and salt and everything good and essential to my existence.

She pulled back from our kiss, pressing her forehead to mine. "Thank you," she whispered, and I told myself that was enough.

Once she was asleep, I got up and checked the list of recipes on the fridge. We had a recipe for eggs poached in a fresh tomato sauce with lots of red onion, cheddar, and fresh cilantro for "Refresh," but it needed fine-tuning. Prepping it wouldn't make too much noise.

A little while later, when I was scooping grated cheese into a bowl, I heard a meow outside. I opened the door, and there was His Majesty Floyd sitting next to his licked-clean can of tuna. He was covered in random pieces of dead plant and glaring at me.

"Where the fuck have you been?" I whispered.

He swaggered in, sat below the treat cabinet, and yowled.

"You think you deserve nice things after that, you little asshole? If you still had your balls, they'd be made of fucking steel."

He trilled and waved his paw at me.

"Fine, you're still disgustingly cute. You can have the treats, but only because I need to clean you up."

While he munched, I picked out grass and untangled burrs from his fur. Once he looked less messy, I tiptoed to Ellie's bed and kissed her softly. "Hey."

"Hey, you," she murmured when her eyes opened, and I wanted her to say that again in exactly the same way the next time we were naked.

"Floyd's back," I said.

She bolted up. "Is he hurt?"

"Nope. Just looks like he rolled in some dry grass, but I cleaned him up a little."

"He's fine." She rubbed her forehead. "I thought he'd get run over, or beaten up, but he's fine. I don't know how I'm this lucky."

She sank into me and I held her up, rubbing her back. "I knew he'd come back. He loves you more than anything."

My heart jumped as I said the words, but she just sighed and burrowed into me. When she finally pulled away, her eyes were so wide and deep, I could have drowned. "Thank you for being amazing today. I know this wasn't what you signed up for."

I couldn't tell her that I'd sign up for everything. We'd agreed. "No worries," I said instead, jamming all my squishy, messy feelings into a way-too-small box. "When do you want to get back to work?"

H ANK CAME OVER that afternoon and showed Ellie a few Craigslist ads for roommates he'd answered and a confirmation email for an appointment with Caltech's counseling service. When he said sorry and promised he'd do better, she'd hugged him hard, and when he looked at me I'd given him a nod that I hoped said both "good work" and "don't fuck it up." His mouth had tightened, but he'd nodded back.

I'd headed back to my place that night and pressed the magic button to get a pepperoni pizza. My stomach was rumbling in anticipation when Tobias's name showed up on my phone.

"Um, hey. It's late. And the weekend," I said.

"This is how you get to be the best, man." I heard some paper rustling. "I've been planning a New York publicity tour for October. Just booked you to go on Lamar Wilkinson's YouTube show for Banquet. "

"Sounds good," I said, a little distracted. "I like New York."

"Who doesn't? I also have some stuff that you need to sign off on. Early promotional materials for the book. I just emailed them over."

"I'll take a look." My doorbell rang and I went hunting for my wallet.

He chuckled. "I like seeing your name in big letters with your grinning face and your bandanna. And it'll make your fans go crazy. The thirst accounts multiply by the day. There's one for your eyebrows now."

I saw my chance to help Ellie even more. "What about Ellie?"

"The ghost? What about her?" He sounded wary.

"She should be in the material. It's her work, too." Thanks, Al, I mouthed to my delivery person as I grabbed the warm, spicy-smelling cardboard box and handed them a tip.

"She got plenty of publicity from that little fiasco at your dinner."

I shut the door. "But she's really good at what she does, and she's had some amazing ideas."

"That's what's she's paid to do," Tobias spelled out.

I'd signed with Tobias because he seemed to know what he was talking about, and I'd gone along with every single thing he'd suggested. Until now. I put my pizza down and said, "I want her name on the promotional stuff, too."

I'd never heard him sound mystified before, but now he said, "Where the hell is this coming from? She hasn't done anything to deserve that."

He was wrong. So, so wrong.

"What's really going on, dude?" he said. "Did you sleep with her or something?"

"No." Easier to lie if I just said one word.

"OK. Whatever you do, do not fuck her. This is the Kieran show, remember? Everyone wants you . She might start thinking she's entitled to more if she's your fuckbuddy."

But Ellie was special. Even more, she thought I was special. Not the fun guy I played on TV, just me. "I'll keep that in mind," I said, digging my fingernails into my leg.

Tobias sighed like I'd loaded him down. "Look, if including her is what you really, really want, I'll see what I can do. But I think it's a bad idea."

"That's what I really, really want."

"Fine. I'll get back to you. But remember what I said. No nookie with the ghost."

"I'll remember you said it." Which was true. "And she's my cowriter," I said. "Not ghost."