Chapter 18

M y training session with Killian comes around all too quickly. They're going well, I'm progressing fast, but sooner or later, I'm going to have to start training in my wolf form, and I've been dreading this. Isa is the only one allowed to spar with me, because when we tried with Alex being my sparring partner, Killian nearly ripped his head off when he flipped me. He still has to fight his instincts, and I can hear snarls coming from his end of the gym when I'm pinned to the mats.

I walk into the gym and see him lifting weights in the back corner. His loose tracksuit bottoms do nothing to hide his muscular legs, and he's shirtless, the muscles in his arms and upper body cording as he lifts the weights.

"Personally, I don't tend to go for skinny guys. I prefer mine more muscular." Isa's voice comes from behind me, making me jump.

She smirks as my face flushes red at having been caught staring. I follow her into the room but can't help looking over at Killian. I can't believe Isa thinks he's skinny. He is more muscular than most football players. I dread to think how big Isa's men are.

We start warming up, and Killian walks over, wiping his forehead with his towel as he does so .

"Decided to show up?" he asks me, his eyebrow raised.

"Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? I've been here every day this week," I reply indignantly.

"You made such a fuss yesterday that I thought we might have broken you. Delicate little princess." He smirks. He knows I hate it when he calls me that.

"Stop being such a dick, Killian. Let's get this over with," I say tiredly.

He frowns as he looks me over, noticing the dark rings under my eyes. "Why are you so tired? Are you not sleeping?"

"Since when do you care?" I retort, no venom in my voice. I actually want to know the answer.

He goes still and looks me over again, an expression I can't describe passing over his face.

"I do care. I just wish I didn't," he answers quietly before walking to the edge of the mats. "Right, stop standing around. Get to it!" he shouts, back to his dickish self.

Isa has been looking back and forth between the two of us, and if I wasn't so thrown by Killian's comment, it might have been comical. Raising an eyebrow, she wisely doesn't comment, and instead starts running through one of our warmup drills.

The first hour of training goes as usual, but because I'm so tired, I keep making mistakes.

"Come on, Ari, even a five-year-old could get out of that hold," Killian calls from the side of the mats.

I'm pinned to the floor once again, and my temper is starting to rise. I should be used to his taunts by now, and I have to admit, he isn't as harsh as he used to be, but lack of sleep is making me cranky.

Isa lets me out of the hold, and I push from the ground angrily. Killian watches my display of temper in silence, his arms crossed with a contemplative look on his face.

"Let's change this up. Shift into wolf form," he shouts out .

My head whips around to look at him, my body stiffening up at his command. "No," is all I say.

"I said shift," he snarls, our tempers setting each other off.

"And I said no. I will not shift." Not today, not when I am in this mood and not in front of Killian.

"What is your problem? I thought you Shadowborn relished that opportunity to shift and show off your powers? Shift ," he orders again, embedding his alpha power into his words.

My knees buckle, but not from his power. Memories flash before my eyes, and I am dragged under.

"Shift." The command comes at me again.

I shake my fifteen-year-old head, but not out of teenage attitude. I stare up at the alpha and bare my teeth.

"No." My voice croaks and my body aches from the punishment I received earlier in the week.

The fact that my shifter body had not yet healed my wounds just goes to show how badly they beat me. After I tried to escaped with Zack's help, they held a much tighter leash on me, and the beating I received when they dragged me back was the worst so far. Had I been human, I would have died. Now that Zack was dead, I had no one to tend to my wounds under the cover of darkness. My heart threatens to break at the thought of the only wolf who ever showed me kindness losing his life because of me.

A boot kicks me in the back, and I cry out as I fall forward before pushing myself up onto my knees, glaring at the alpha and my tormentor. I don't care how much they beat me, I will no longer do as they ask. Any misplaced loyalty to them was lost the moment they killed Zack.

"I said shift," the alpha repeats, his voice full of alpha power.

I fall forward onto all fours once again as his power forces the change in me. He doesn't need to raise his voice, his power will make me do as he wishes. I know resisting is futile, but I can't just roll over and do as he says, so I fight it. The change is painful, and once again, I hate that he has this power over me, that I'm a wolf, a predator, but I can't stop him from controlling me.

Eventually, I find myself looking at my paws, panting, and I hear him walk forward. He drops his hand to the scruff of my neck, and I flinch as he pats me.

"Well done, little wolf. I have a job for you."

I come back around to Killian calling my name, his hands on my shoulders as he anxiously looks at me. Wait, Killian looks anxious? Scratch that, now that he's seen me come around, his expression has dropped back into his customary scowl, but I can see the worry in his eyes.

"What happened? What triggered you?" he asks, but I get the feeling he already knows.

"You trying to force me to shift," I mutter, running my hand across my face.

I only notice then that my hands are shaking. Killian notices too and swears under his breath.

"Isa, we're going to stop for the day. Ari, come for a walk with me," he tells me, and his tone sounds resigned.

Isa looks between the two of us again like she can't decide what's happening or whether to allow this. This time, it does make me crack a smile.

"Go, I'll be fine," I say. "If he tries to seduce me, I'll just hit him over the head like you showed me," I tell her with a wink.

This makes her laugh and she walks out of the gym, leaving just me and Killian. I turn to look at the shifter and find him putting on a shirt. Shame. He catches me looking and raises an eyebrow at me again, desire heating his eyes before he shuts it down. I just shrug .

"So where are we going?" I inquire, hoping my nerves at being alone with him don't come through in my voice.

"Into the woods. Come," is all he says before walking off.

I can't help but wonder if this walk is going to be anything like the last time I went into the woods with a shifter, when I ended up making out with Alex. Part of me hopes so.

"Why are we here?" I ask as we stare out at the trees.

Killian has brought me to a small clearing in the middle of the woods. We're close enough that I can still hear the hubbub of the main house, but far enough away that no one will be able to overhear our quiet conversation. I'm sitting on a log, watching the small birds hunt for grubs in the undergrowth. Killian is sitting on the other end of the log, and I can feel that his gaze keeps landing on me.

"We need to talk. About the bond. And about you," he tells me, and I sigh.

This is another conversation I really don't want to have, but he's right—we do need to talk. We can't keep avoiding the issue.

"Fine. What do you want to know?" I ask, finally meeting his gaze.

"Why do you keep rejecting the bond?" he questions, and I hear a slight note of vulnerability in his voice.

I'm surprised, and I'm sure it shows on my face. "Are you saying you want this bond? I thought you hated me!" I state incredulously. I can't get a reading on this guy!

Frustration fills his face, and he pushes away from the log, prowling through the clearing. If I didn't know he was a shifter, I would still be able to tell he was something other with the power rolling off him. His sharp features almost make him look fae.

"I don't hate you! I hate what you are!" he snarls as he paces.

I feel like he has poured a bucket of ice over me. Shadowborn. Even when I feel like I'm making a life for myself elsewhere, it still follows me. I can never escape it. I stand up stiffly, trying to hide the hurt from his comment.

"Well, I can't do anything to change that. I hate that you're such a bastard, but that's not going to change either. Guess both of us are going to be disappointed," I retort and spin to leave the clearing.

I'm not going to sit here and listen to him insult me. I thought we were going to chat and finally work out what's going on, but it seems I'm going to be disappointed. I hear Killian's footsteps pause as he curses under his breath.

"Ari, wait. I'm not doing this very well. You rile me up, and I forget what I'm trying to say," he admits.

I turn around and raise my eyebrow at him and his shitty apology. But I can see from his posture that he is not used to doing this. Sighing, I sit back down and look at him expectantly.

"I'm not going to apologise for being Shadowborn," I tell him, my voice strong on this point. I wish I hadn't been born this way, but there's nothing I can do to change that.

"I know. Let me try and explain." He sits back down on the log and turns so he is facing me. "I was mated before. Julie and I chose to be bonded, and I meant those vows when I took them. We loved each other. She was kind and gentle and never had a bad word to say about anyone." His voice is soft as he tells me about her, and I realise I've never seen him like this.

"A couple of wolves from another pack came to petition for a secure place to stay. Something was off about them, but I decided to offer them a place in the pack against the judgement of my beta and gamma. They didn't really fit within the pack, and several members came to convince me to ask them to leave. I declined. I was trying to be more accepting." He huffs a laugh, but there's no real humour in his voice, only pain and self-loathing. "A month later, there was an attack on the pack during the night. Someone had let them into the compound and told them where to strike to cause the most damage. It was a complete slaughter," he says, his voice hard.

He stops and takes a deep breath, his hands clenching together, and I have to fight the urge to stroke his back in comfort. I can feel his wolf trying to take over, and I swear I can see his claws pressing against the skin on his knuckles as he fights for control.

"I ran back to our house and found one of the wolves I granted a place of safety within the pack at my bedside. His hands were wrist deep in my mate's stomach as he pulled her apart bit by bit. He was Shadowborn and half in his shadow form at the time. Julie hadn't even heard him coming." His voice is soft, broken, and I can see unshed tears in his eyes.

I go to place my hand on his arm, but his gaze sharpens.

"That is what was off about that wolf. He was Shadowborn. He infiltrated my pack, betrayed us, and then killed them all. I managed to kill most of them, but I have a feeling they left me alive on purpose. As a message."

He turns to look at me now, and his eyes soften a little as he looks at me, although I still feel the anger within him.

"That's why I knew you were Shadowborn. I also had some training from my predecessor on how to teach them. We had a Shadowborn in our pack about one hundred and fifty years ago, so we pass the knowledge down in case another is born." He seems to realise his use of the present tense and lets out a tired sigh. "Not that I have anyone to pass that knowledge to anymore. My pack is dead."

He shifts his weight on the log and turns to face me fully, his knee bumping against me as he runs his eyes over me again, taking in every detail.

"Fate has a sick sense of humour. I had a mate, and that love was real." He emphasises the last word, like he's trying to convince me. Like somehow, this bond between us takes away from the love he felt for her. "And now it's brought me to you, the very same kind that killed her. You're nothing like Julie. I shouldn't want anyone else." He pauses, and I can hear the self-loathing in his voice. "But I feel complete when you're around, like I might have a reason to still be alive. When Julie and the pack were killed, I wondered why the world was so cruel. I should have died with them. Protecting them."

My heart breaks for him as I feel his pain as if it was my own, and I understand him a little better.

"Since then, I have been living a half-life, not truly belonging." His eyes flit across my face. "Perhaps fate led me to you so you could mend the rift in my heart." His words are soft, uncertain, like he's laying his heart out for me to see.

Oh shit . I stare at him with wide eyes and panic. Jumping to my feet, I start pacing in front of the log, needing to work off some of this nervous energy. He can't possibly think I can fix him. Me! I let out a slightly manic laugh as I pace.

"I am the most broken person here!" I practically shout at him, my nerves getting the better of me.

My fight-or-flight instincts are screaming for me to leave, but I know I can't get out of having this conversation.

"I'm not a good person. I don't belong anywhere. You said it yourself, I'm nothing like Julie! I've killed. The things I was made to do should make you want to kill me. Hell, I probably deserve to be ripped to shreds! What I don't deserve is a fated mate!" My voice is loud, and I can hear my panicked breaths coming out fast. I'm sure my eyes are bright with tears that threaten to fall. All my carefully built walls are being torn down by these guys and leaving the scared, damaged little girl that is hiding behind it exposed.

Killian watched my breakdown in silence, but now he stands and prowls towards me. I can't work out what is in his expression, but he doesn't look like he is going to kill me like I suggested.

"Ari." He pulls me to a stop when he gets close enough. Putting his hand on the tops of my arms, he looks me in the eye. "I have my dark side too, things I am ashamed of. I know you are different from the Shadowborn that killed my pack, and I know I don't always show it very well, but I don't blame you for things you were forced to do. Perhaps we were brought together to help fix each other. I don't belong anywhere either. I don't have a place here, and I don't have a place to call home, and I didn't expect to have that again after I lost Julie. But when I'm with you, that feels like it could be a possibility again."

Huh. Who knew Killian had a romantic side?

"I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm working on my prejudices. Sometimes, I see your strength and it scares me, but I've seen how you push yourself to help others. I know you're not like him," he tells me, raising one of his hands to cup my cheek.

I take a deep breath and fight the urge to lean into his hand as I gather my thoughts and brace myself for the backlash of what I'm about to say.

"I do feel drawn to you. Your power speaks to me, and I feel connected to you, somehow, in a way I never have before. But I'm also drawn to Garett and Alex, and even Seb. I don't know if I can commit to this bond when I have feelings for other people as well. There is something deeper going on here." I bite down on my lower lip as I wait for his response.

He pulls away and is silent for a while. A frown mars his face, making his scar look more severe.

"I don't like it. It goes against who I am," he tells me, and I brace myself for rejection. "But I have decided to trust my instincts more. I should have trusted them that night the Shadowborn asked for shelter, and I didn't. My instincts are telling me this is right." He pauses again and paces the clearing.

I can tell he's struggling with this, and the fact he is even considering giving us a chance makes me see him in a different light. I can't deny that I have feelings for him any longer, and it seems he has come to the same conclusion.

"So, if you are saying you're being pulled towards these other men as well as me…" His voice trails off in a growl as he fights against his instincts. "Then I will trust you. Just don't expect me to be happy about sharing you. "

With that shocking declaration, he leans down and smashes his lips to mine. His lips are firm, and as I open mine to kiss him back, he bites down on my lower lip, making me gasp. He pulls away, and I can see the lust in his eyes, his alpha power rising and coaxing mine as they push against each other.

"I've been wanting to do that for days," he growls out before stalking to the main compound.

I stand, dumbstruck, as I watch him walk away, my hand going to my bruised lips. My wolf is demanding that I follow him and finish what he started, but I know I won't be able to stop myself from claiming him. I take a deep breath to calm myself. Take things slow, Ari. I shake my head and let out a small laugh. What an afternoon. I start the walk back to the medical building. Time to get back to work. But first, a cold shower.