Chapter 17

I t was decided that we all needed some time to cool off and figure out what everyone involved wanted. I hadn't paid Alex much attention, but I felt his eyes on me the whole time, and I couldn't help feeling like I'd let him down. Garett agreed not to discuss Killian's attack on him with his pack. The last thing any of us needed was an all-out war between the bears and Moon River Pack.

He almost caused a fight when he was saying goodbye though. Prowling towards me, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me soundly before walking out to the sounds of Killian's growls. He wanted to stay, but it had been decided that was not the best idea while Killian was still fighting for control. I would be having words with him about his predatory behaviour another time. It was out of character for him, but I didn't want to mention it in front of everyone after Killian wounded his pride.

The next couple of days fell into a bit of a routine. I arrive at the compound and check on my patients. I then have an open clinic for anyone to come and ask for advice about various ailments. I'm glad to throw myself into work, into something familiar, as it means I'm too busy to think over everything that's happened in the last few days. I'm not ready to deal with that just yet. In the afternoon before I leave for the day, I train with Killian. Isa is now helping with my training, since it was thought it would be best for me to have a sparring partner and someone who could break up any fights between the two of us. Isa is a much harsher sparring partner and fighting with her is like trying to throw a brick wall. Thankfully with her around, there have been no further ‘incidents' between Killian and me. Once I finish with training for the day, tired and sore, I head back to the apartment where Tori grills me on what happened that day. She's even started to eat popcorn while I'm filling her in, telling me my life is far more entertaining than any soap on TV.

I'm not sleeping well. At night, when I no longer have anything to distract me, my thoughts keep me awake. Garett has been calling me, checking I'm okay and that Killian is staying in line. I know he wants to be with me and that he's fighting against his nature to stop his bear from tearing down the compound to find me. I don't regret that we slept together, but it makes it much harder to sort through my feelings for him. I like him, I do, and I can't ignore that my feelings for him are more than just friendly, but I am scared to take things further. While bears do take mates, like with wolves, it isn't all that frequent. But when they find a partner, they tend to stay together for life, and I fear that's what Garett will want from me. I know I should ask him, but I'm scared of the answer. I don't know if I can be that person for him.

Not to mention Killian. Even if I weren't psychologically screwed up, that would throw a spanner in the works. I also can't deny that I do feel something when I'm around him, but is that just because of the bond? Just some wolfy voodoo that's forcing us to feel something for the other? I'm not even sure I like the guy, let alone want to bond with him.

Alex is also another problem I keep pondering. When we kissed in the woods, something just clicked. It felt right when we were in our wolf forms. I've gone from despising the guy to wanting to fuck him. But if I push further, my four am thoughts whisper to me that it's more than that.

Then there's Seb. Sweet, loving Seb, who always manages to put a smile on my face. He hasn't treated me differently at all or tried to make me feel guilty about what has happened. And as hard as I fight it, I keep finding myself watching him. I'm developing feelings for him, and I don't want to—I don't want our friendship to change in that way.

My alarm clock blares to life, and I sit up in bed to switch it off. I was already awake anyway. I go through my usual routine and get ready for the day, throwing on some loose clothing. Thankfully I've fully healed now, so getting into clothes that fit isn't an issue anymore, but I asked Alpha Mortlock to provide me with a uniform so it felt more like a job. I need to keep that distinction. This is just a job, and my life will return to normal once it is all over, right? We still haven't gotten to the bottom of the Shadow Pack. There have been no more attacks, and no one in the supernatural community has heard anything—except for Eric and his mysterious ‘friends.' I sigh as I pick up my phone and see another text from him. He's backed off a lot since our last chat, but he's been sending me updates. A large grey wolf with a scar on its face, who doesn't belong to any of the local packs, has been seen prowling around the city.

"Well, that's a coincidence," I mutter dryly to myself.

I'm still no closer to working out what I'm going to do about them. Since I've been training, I can feel myself getting stronger, but I certainly can't take on a whole pack. A little part of me whispers that I could if I accepted my Shadowborn abilities, but I push that part deep, deep down and carry on getting ready for the day.

My morning flies by with check-ups and walk-in appointments. Lottie has fully recovered, and her and her mother visit me every morning with a fresh batch of muffins. I keep telling them they don't need to, but secretly, I love it. I've been seeing Sarah, the pregnant shifter, regularly as well. Her pregnancy seems to be coming along well, but now she is thirty-six weeks and will be delivering soon.

Shifter pregnancies are similar to human ones, however, most shifter babies arrive after thirty-seven weeks. Don't ask me why, I never studied supernatural births. Female shifters also experience a strong desire to nest just before they give birth, so Sarah has been busy cleaning her cabin and getting it ready for the baby. The father, Rubin, is always nervously pacing the room when I visit. The one time Seb came with me, Rubin chased him out of the house, his protective instincts on overdrive. This is an understandable reaction for our kind, especially since Moon River has been having problems with expectant mothers carrying pregnancies to term, or problems with the birthing. Alpha Mortlock pulled me aside one morning and told me there have also been issues with fertility as well. In fact, the last litter of healthy pups was born over two years ago. This makes me nervous, and I have requested Nurse Beth to put me in touch with a supernatural midwife. Mortlock won't be happy, but he will have to put up with it. Babies are not my specialty, and he knew that when he took me on.

I am just wiping down the examination room surfaces when I hear a cheery call of my name.

"Ari, hello, dear!"

I turn and smile at the happy woman walking into the room.

"Gloria, how are you? I don't think I've seen you since the social. How's Jessica?" I ask, my smile wide and genuine.

I surprise myself when I realise I've missed her. I only met her once at the social, yet I feel connected to her through Seb. She makes me feel like I'm welcome, even though I have caused so much trouble in her pack.

"I'm fine, dear," she replies as she takes a seat in the room, her eyes running over me. "But how are you? Have you been sleeping? You look exhausted," she comments, concern crossing her delicate features.

For once, I find I'm not annoyed by someone ‘mothering' me. In fact, I find myself smiling at the older woman, knowing she's just looking out for my best interests.

"I'm fine, Gloria, pleased to be doing some good again," I tell her with a smile, gesturing to the treatment room.

I hadn't realised how much of an effect not being able to practice would have on me, or how much nursing is ingrained into my identity.

"Seb told me about what's been going on with Killian and the others." Damn, I was hoping to avoid this conversation.

I sigh and am hesitant to meet her eyes, worried what I might see there. When I do, however, all I see is understanding, not even a flicker of disappointment.

"Last week was eventful," I tell her, and she chuckles at the understatement.

"So are you going to mate with Killian?" she inquires, getting straight to the point. That's one of the things I love about Gloria—no messing around! She calls it as she sees it.

I bite my lip. I really don't want to be having this conversation. If I say it out loud, it makes everything so much more real. Tori knows the basic details, but she doesn't understand pack politics. She thinks I should just sleep with all of them, no strings attached, but I know that won't work. There are too many alpha males with delicate egos, and if I were to sleep with Killian, I don't think we would be able to deny the mating bond. Not that I even want to sleep with him. Liar . Okay, so maybe I do? Gah! Too many feelings. Half the time, I don't know whether I'm coming or going!

"I don't even know him! Why should I tie myself to someone because some supernatural bullshit has decided that we belong together? Why can't I decide for myself? He certainly doesn't seem to want to bond, he hates this!" I share, and I see her nod her understanding .

"Okay, so Garett then. What's happening there?" she prompts, watching me intently like my body language is telling her more than my words.

I feel a wave of sadness fill me at the change of topic. I miss Garett, but with everything going on, I feel it's best we have some distance from each other. He agrees with this, although I know he's struggling, his instincts telling him that he should be with me. Not necessarily even because he loves me, but because he's my friend and he's worried about me. He knows how I'm struggling with everything and wants to help me.

"I don't even know. We're taking some space from each other while this is going on. I miss him though." Growling, I throw my hands up in the air. "Oh, what a mess! I don't know what to do. I don't want a relationship with him—I'm not ready for that, and I know that's what he wants," I rant, my thoughts flying around my head.

"And Alex, I know there's something going on there." She chuckles and raises an eyebrow. "Oh, come now, don't pull that face at me, I know these things," she chides as I make a face at the topic.

"We kissed when he took me for a run," I admit, looking down at my nails as I avoid her gaze. "He's so hot and cold though. One minute, he flirts with me, and the next, he's distant."

Gloria nods through this and tilts her head to one side.

"Do you know about his past?" she asks, and I nod. Seb filled me in only the other day. "Since his brother died, he changed. Some for the better, but he's distanced himself from us and doesn't seem to know how to enjoy himself anymore. He doesn't think he deserves to. When you're around though, I can see a bit of that playful little boy that used to cause havoc in my kitchen with Seb."

She pauses to let this information sink in. I take my hair down from the professional ponytail I'd put it up in and run my hands through it, trying to order my thoughts. In the end, I groan and put my face in my hands .

"What a mess. I don't know what I'm going to do. How do I choose between them when I don't know what I'm feeling? Do I even want to choose? I don't want a relationship," I mutter from behind my hands.

I hear footsteps and then a gentle hand touches my back, rubbing in small circles to comfort me.

"Why don't you want a relationship?" she queries softly, her hands keeping up the gentle caress on my back.

I bite my lip. How much do I tell her? I'm not sure I'm ready to face this.

"I—" I stop, my voice croaky. Clearing my throat, I start again. "I loved once. I was young. It was more infatuation than anything…" I'm rambling. Stop, Ari, focus. I take a deep breath. "My old pack was harsh, their rules definitive. He was the only one to show me comfort, and he was punished for it. It was forbidden, and he was taken from me." I stop, my eyes burning.

I squeeze them shut, pushing the memories away. Flashes of his face pass through my mind, and I shove them away, deep down. Not today. I can't think about him today.

"Relationships only end in pain and loss. Everyone will be taken away from me eventually. Tori and Garett are only in my life because they made such a nuisance of themselves and were so persistent that I didn't even notice when they went from acquaintances to family." I open my eyes, and I'm sure my pain is clear on my face from the expression Gloria gives me.

"Besides," I mutter, my voice dropping as I admit to my true reason, "I'm not good enough. I did some terrible things when I was in my last pack, things that you would hate me for. I'm broken because of it. I can't inflict that on someone." I'm whispering by the end of my confession.

I'm afraid to meet Gloria's eyes, as I am sure she will hate me for what I have told her. She will not want me anywhere near Seb. My fears are met when her hand stops its slow circles on my back .

"Were you forced to do these things? Did you choose to do them?" she asks, her tone neutral, hiding her thoughts from me.

"No, I didn't want to do them! I fought against it, but I wasn't strong enough. It doesn't matter though. I still did them. I'm just as evil as the ones who made me do it." Despair fills me, and I'm sure the pack is going to learn how broken and twisted I truly am.

My eyes fly open as arms come around me tightly, and I stare down at Gloria in shock, who is hugging me fiercely, tears glistening in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and that you've felt this burden. You're not evil. You had tough decisions to make and you survived. You work so hard to help others. You deserve a chance to feel loved." She releases me from her arms and looks up at me, a small smile on her lips. "And if that happiness is with more than one person, then so what?"

I stare at her in disbelief. Is she really suggesting getting into a relationship with more than one guy? Alphas will struggle to share and would never accept a bear into that mix. My head is spinning with the possibilities.

"Oh, don't look so shocked. It's not uncommon for female shifters to have more than one partner. It just doesn't happen as often as it used to. But now that our numbers are so low, who knows what may happen in the future? Besides, each of those men can offer you something different. Perhaps they can help heal you. Now." She pauses, and I look up at her in expectation. "What about Seb?" she asks, her tone gentle and without an ounce of judgement.

"What about him?" I counter, guilt filling my voice and my face flushing red, giving me away.

"I don't think anything has happened between you yet, but Seb can't stop speaking about you. After he's seen you, he bounces around like when he was a pup at Christmas. I know he cares for you, and I personally would love to welcome you into our family as one of our own. But I just ask you, please don't hurt him." Taking my hands in hers, she meets my eyes. "Don't lead him on. If you have feelings for him, then by all means, but he isn't as strong as the alphas that are vying for your attentions. Please keep him safe," she implores earnestly before embracing me again, kissing my cheek, and walking out of the room, leaving me standing there speechless.