Chapter 43

" He isn't breathing!" I cried, leaning over Aryx's cold, soaked body. I tore at the leather straps of his breastplate and flung it aside. The heavy thud as it hit the deck was the only sound in an eerie stillness that had fallen over our crew.

I tilted his head back, opened his mouth, and breathed into his lungs. There was a faint rise and fall when I exhaled into him.

"Come on Aryx, wake up," I cried, pressing my lips against his. Continuing to breathe into him, I watched the rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall. Something felt different inside me. It felt empty, like a piece of myself was gone, leaving a vacancy that begged to be filled.

"Wake up!" My throat tightened with the onset of panic. Pushing our mouths together, I exhaled my life into him, hoping that some shred of me could bring him back.

"Aryx, please, wake up."

The crew was silent, unsure how to handle my desperate pleading. They all knew what I had decided couldn't be true.

"Wake up!" I screamed, slapping the half-god across the cheek. Rather than retracting against the force, his neck simply rolled to the side. His cheek sagged against the deck boards.

His skin was so cold, so grey. I barely recognized him. He was someone I'd never met before. The lips that had once been so warm, so soothing and gentle against mine, were now a dull shade of blue. The eyes that had once burned so brightly, like the first rays of morning sun, were now muted and tarnished. His hands were so limp, the muscles like bags of sand molded to the hard flatness of the deck.

"Wake up!" I hit him again, hoping the inflicted pain would snap him out of unconsciousness.

He simply remained there, unmoving, unseeing, entirely lifeless.

"Don't go, Aryx. Don't go, don't go, don't go."

Every piece of me broke as I watched his complexion grey.

"Don't leave me. I need you. Please," I whispered, "Come back to me."

His body was too still. There was no electricity spiking between us when my lips met his. I continued breathing for him anyway, continued praying, continued hoping. He still wouldn't breathe for himself.

The hum I felt in my chest when we were close was no longer there. The man laying before me, who used to be so full of life, so full of fight, was now merely an empty vessel.

Vacant of everything except sea water.

He was gone.

My ribs caved in, crushing every muscle and organ inside my body.

He was gone.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't think. Sobs escaped my lips as I crumpled over his lifeless frame. He couldn't be gone. I couldn't do this without him. This man I shared my bed with. This man I shared my heart with. The holder of my secrets, the keeper of my thoughts.

This man that I loved.

I knew in this moment that's what it was. Love. The heartbreak now poisoning my veins wasn't for mere lust or friendship, it was for love.

I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed.

And screamed.

The man I loved was gone.

I'd never hold him again.

I'd never feel his warmth against me again.

I'd never tell him I loved him.

All the surrounding colors faded to grey. The water that was once so blue and vivid, was now a shade of black. The air in my lungs caught fire and seared my insides.

This was excruciating. I'd been tortured, beaten, broken, betrayed, captured, hated. Nothing would ever compare to this. My body felt as if it was being shredded apart. The world was wiped away, leaving us suspended in this moment.

Leaving me suspended in this moment.

There was no us anymore. He was gone. There would never be an us. That realization plunged itself into me further, tearing through my lungs, slashing my heart into pieces, perforating my stomach.

I screamed until my voice died and all that was left were pathetic gulps as I clenched the fabric of his tunic, afraid to let go.

"My Lady, he's gone." Lytos was kneeling beside me. I hadn't noticed him. He placed his large hand on my shoulder. It was cold and uncomfortable. There was no warmth in his embrace when he wrapped his long arms around me. All the progress I made snapped in one instant.

Funny how something you've worked your whole life for can be taken from you in mere seconds. Sometimes, the only way to fully know how much you cherish another is to have them ripped away. One fleeting moment and they're gone. A mere stitch of infinity causing a lifetime of destruction.

I receded back into the shadows.

My vision tunneled.

He was gone.

I loved him and he was gone.

Everything was numb, diluted. I barely felt the sharp ache in my toes, the tingles racing through me. I barely felt the glow of my power as the demon pounced. I barely felt her explode. I barely felt everyone around me launch into the air at the pulse of energy erupting from my very core.

Arcturas howled as the grey sky shifted to black and the moon peaked from the horizon, zooming to its zenith. Regaining my voice, I screamed again, throwing my head back. Our voices became one as we called to the moon, called to Polaris. An amethyst glow encapsulated my body as the demon took command.

"My Queen! Please! Stop!" one sailor begged.

I lunged for him, digging my fingers into his chest. The shadows plunged through him, melting away his tunic, then his skin, then his muscle until I exposed the racing beat of his heart to the cool air.

One after another, I tore into the crew, exposing their organs to the world. Following my lead, Arcturas pounced from one to the next, shredding the arteries in their necks until the pine decking was permanently stained red.

Only one man remained, trembling beneath a silver shield. I stepped toward him as he pleaded and begged.

"Lady Elpis, this isn't you. Please," Lytos cried as I ripped the shield away from him. The metal melted in my hands.

"Please, Elpis. Please. Don't do this. Please. It won't bring him back."

His words were muffled to my ears, as if all sound had evaporated from the earth. I took a step toward him, violent whispers licking the walls of my mind.

"Elpis. Listen to me. I understand what you're going through. It's agony. But please, fight. I know you're in there somewhere," he cried, sliding away from me.

I took another step, my fists clenched so hard my nails dug into flesh. Droplets of blood fell from my palms and spattered on the pine.

"Fight this Elpis. Come back to us." Lytos's eyes were wild with terror.

I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to resurface. It was safe here, letting the demon take control. Like a switch had flipped, I shut everything out. All the pain was gone. Numb. I was right where I intended to stay.

"Elpis, please. Think of my son. He needs me, just like you said."

Judas smiled with moon cake crumbs smothered across his little lips. What would his father say when he asked why Aryx hadn't returned? How do you explain death to a child without robbing them of their innocence?

Would Lytos lie and say that Aryx had gone on another journey? Maybe somewhere off the continent, never to return?

Or would he tell him the truth? Would he sit his young son down and explain the laws of mortality?

I sunk further into the darkness.

"Aryx is gone. We need you."

We need you. A small piece of me escaped from the shadows. I turned away from Lytos and glanced at the pale, dead man lying beside us. The dead man I loved. These people were my crew. My soldiers. My friends. I slaughtered them all.

"Your people need you, Elpis. Come back to us. He wouldn't want this." With trembling knees, Lytos rose to face me.The tingles receded slightly, and I fell to my knees. Leaning over Aryx, tears streaming down my face, I dug my fingers into his damp skin. The silver light of the moon washed over him.

I screamed again, the strands of hair falling across my face, sticking to the sobs flooding down my cheeks. Nothing would ever be the same again. I ruined it. How many families had I taken a father, a brother, a son from? How many lives did I change forever with my lack of control?

I was the monster they called me.

Shadows faded into his chest and the web of his veins glowed purple. They intensified until the surrounding darkness washed away, in its place the vibrant colors of the borealis. I pushed my power into him, feeling my energy deplete. I didn't care if I died, expanding the shadows until they swarmed us both. If I could save him, death would be worth it. The world deserved him more than it did me.

Sweat beaded on my brow as I continued pushing. Like the tide receding back to the sea, I felt the demon in my chest slowly fade. The back of my hands bleached pale. The half-god beneath me remained still, his neck still crooked, his eyes still cemented shut.

Arcturas howled behind me, her voice strained and weak. Giving my power to Aryx was draining her, too. She stumbled next to me, her legs giving out beneath her muscular abdomen. Staring up at me, her eyes pleaded for me to stop, begged me to redact my shadows.

"I can't," I whispered, digging my nails further into his cold chest.

Arcturas struggled to stay upright. She wavered heavily with the ocean swells. Finally, her legs couldn't hold her, and she collapsed onto the deck. Whining, she nudged her nose into my thigh, imploring me to stop.

"I'm so sorry," I choked, watching her brilliant yellow eyes fade, like a fire slowly extinguishing into the curtain of night. "I'm sorry."

Arcturas whined again. My body was tired, depleted of all energy, but I pushed on. I ignored the cramp spreading through my arms, stiffening my fingers into stone. My power fought against me as I willed it into Aryx's body. He needed it more than me. Even if it meant sacrificing myself, I would continue to push. His chest twitched against my pulse. I sucked in a breath, watching for another sign of life. His skin, still grey, now webbed with tendrils of glowing light.

My knees gave out, forcing me to fall on to his rigid body. No matter how much of myself I gave him, it was no use. His cheeks were still cold, his body still empty. Arcturas sagged into me, her breathing ragged and shallow. I'd come so close to death so many times. He was a friend, then an enemy, now salvation.

"My child…" a woman's voice whispered behind me. The words were as delicate as a flake of snow, floating down to earth. I felt the world go silent in her presence, emulating starlight within each tired beat of the heart buried in my chest. Polaris.

I continued clutching Aryx's chest, refusing to turn and face her.

"Mother," I whispered, "I can't fix this. He's not healing. I've failed you."

"Elpis, it's time to rise. It's time to continue the fight. It's time to let go," she said, placing a cool, gentle hand against my back.

"I can't. I can't. I can't."

Her slender fingers brushed against my cheek as the goddess kneeled beside me.

"You have to. He's gone. You'll drain yourself for nothing. You can't heal a soul that's already left its body," she said.

"No. Mother, help me." I looked at her, pleading for something I knew wasn't possible. "Bring him back."

"You know I can't, my love. I wish I could, but his soul is in the immortal realm now."

"Bring him back. I can't do this without him. Mother, I love him." I fell to the deck, paralyzed beneath the weight of the world.

"Elpis…" she trailed off, smoothing back my hair.

"Mother, I love him. I can't do this."

"I wish I could," she whispered, reaching for my hand.

"It hurts too much. I can't take it. I can't breathe."

The weight of the sky plundered down my throat, collapsing my lungs, squeezing my heart until it nearly burst. Polaris stroked her palm down Arcturas's spine, brushing back the wiry line of fur, disheveled from battle.

The wolf's abdomen swelled back to life, her muscles inflating with newfound strength. I held my breath, watching the opening and closing of her ribcage as her energy returned.

"Elpis. Look at me." Polaris tilted my chin up to meet her gaze.

The purple in her eyes blazed, and I saw my face staring back at me.

"You are strong. You are a warrior. Don't let this destroy you." She stroked my cheek. "He wouldn't want that."

"I never told him." The words seared against my hoarse vocal cords, exhausted from sadness.

"He knows. He's always known," she said.

"Bring him back."

She pulled me into an embrace, cradling me against her delicate frame. I'd never received such comfort before. Never felt the gentle hug or the safety of a mother's warmth. Leaning into her further, I sobbed until my eyes swelled shut. Everything faded away. The slaughtered crew, the darkness of the night, my lifeless love. I was a child again in her arms.

I'm not sure how long she cradled me, hushing away the pain, running her long fingers down my spine. But finally, when everything eased into a dull ache and the trembling ceased, she pulled me to my feet.

"It's time to fight," she whispered, stroking my cheek.

Blurry-eyed and hiccuping, I wiped the last tears from my eyes.

"It's time to fight."

"My men are gone. Our army is dwindling, exhausted from the seas. I'm not sure that we can," I said, wrapping my fingers in hers.

"You will find a way. I know it, my love." She smiled and faded into the night .