Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

A dam had not taken his wife out that night with the intention of kissing her, or making her kiss him more aptly put, but it was a welcome surprise nonetheless.

He placed her back on her feet, aware that she had only done it in the heat of the moment, but it was not as though either of them could say as much. Those in the tavern expected to see a couple in marital bliss, and they had to portray that. Was that why she had done it? Had she wanted to make them all fall for their ruse?

He continued to wonder about it until the following morning, nursing the dull ache in his head. They had agreed to make everyone believe they had a good marriage in order to secure their standing, after all. Had it been a deliberate choice to make them believe them? More to the point, he thought as he winced from his movements, was that truly what he would have preferred?

“Good morning,” she smiled at breakfast, “You seem rather out of sorts. Is this what you meant by over-indulgence?”

“I believe that is what this is, yes.”

He had overindulged, indeed. With his drink, yes, but also with his wife. He had allowed her to come too close to him, and he was more to blame than her. He had shown her something resembling his past life, and she had taken it in stride. She was happy there, quickly adapting to the changes, and with the drinks he had consumed he couldn’t help but fall for her, and he hated himself for it. That wasn’t the purpose of their match, and it was he himself that had insisted on that.

“Does this mean you plan to have an easier day, then?”

“Ideally, it would, but that is not possible right now.”

“Whyever not?”

“My solicitor has sent me some papers to sign, and I have received some correspondence. I need to ensure that is all handled before I can retire to my bedchambers and nurse this ailment of mine.”

“You are in no fit state to do that,” Beth laughed, “Perhaps I could be of assistance?”

“With all due respect, I do not think it is something that would interest you very much.”

“Actually, I adore numbers. Can I look it all over for you before you sign them?”

Adam blinked, waiting for her to laugh at him and reveal it was all a joke, but she did not. Instead, she looked at him expectantly, awaiting his response.

“I… I suppose so, if you are certain, but there is no need to do it for my sake. I can struggle through it. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.”

“I am not asking for your sake, I am asking for mine. I would like to feel as though I am of use to you.”

He didn’t know how to tell her that she was anything but useless to him, and so he said nothing.

“Very well. We can go after breakfast.”

When they had finished and they were in his study, Beth took his papers and immediately set to work. Adam had to admit that he was taken aback by how prepared she seemed to be. She read it all diligently, tracing each line with the tip of her finger and making a note every so often.

“What are you doing?” He asked, and she looked at him quizzically.

“I’m verifying the numbers. That is what you do too, is it not?”

“It is… not,” he confessed, “Try not to be furious with me, but I never have.”

“How could you never have verified all of this? It is imperative that everything is correct!”

“My solicitor worked with my father. He has been with us for years, and I trust him completely. He has always done everything correctly, according to my father.”

“That is bizarre.”

“It saves me time,” he shrugged, “It is easier to sign it all and accept what he has done.”

“Well, would it be alright if I did it for you? It is no extra work for you that way.”

“I assure you, we do not need to verify his work.”

“Even if we do not, it would make me happy. I enjoy doing it, I assure you.”

“Is this from the time you lived alone?”

“No, although you could say I was alone when I did it once before.”

“What do you mean?”

She took a breath, steadying herself before clearing her throat.

“When I say that my last husband did not care, I meant it. It was not just me that he had no interest in, it was everything. He hated me, the household, his staff, everything. He was happy to let it all go to ruin, and he said that the sooner that happened the sooner he might find happiness.”

“What?”

“That was my first thought, too. Regardless, he didn’t care, and so I had to. I didn’t mind it, of course. It made me feel as though I was accomplishing something, even if it was simply not allowing my home to go to ruin. It was easy enough to do, too.”

“Now you are making me feel like a fool for not trying.”

“You are not a fool for trusting your solicitor. What I mean is that there is a certain pleasure in finding ways to cut expenses.”

“There is no need to cut our expenses. I will gladly use every penny my father scrounged.”

“Even so, it is for the best that we plan for the future, particularly if you wish to go to Scotland and leave me here. Ah! Here is an example. You are sending twenty pounds each month to an address in Scotland. Might you know what that is?”

“What?” Adam asked, looking at the sheet, “I do not know. I could only imagine that was something my late father was trying to send to me, or perhaps my mother, but I have never seen that.”

“Then we can annul that. Now we have another twenty pounds per month! That will do wonders for us, even if we are already fortunate as it is.”

He noticed at that moment that he had instinctively placed a hand on her shoulder as he looked at what she was showing him. However, he did not pull away. He enjoyed how she felt beneath his fingertips.

“You,” he mumbled, “Are brilliant.”

Suddenly, he could tell that she was embarrassed.

“It isn’t something that a lady such as myself should enjoy, I know. For someone that preaches that we should follow etiquette, I sure do enjoy some things that a lady should not.”

“Is it not the job of a lady to run the household? I see no harm in you doing exactly that. There is no difference between you conversing with the housekeeper and verifying the work of my solicitor.”

She seemed to brighten at that. It was a welcome change, for he much preferred to see her happy.

“Did he leave other things to you, then?” He asked, “Your last husband, that is.”

“Goodness, what didn’t he leave to me?” She laughed emptily, “He was hardly ever home, and so it all seemed to fall to me. I hardly knew him at all. It is strange when you are told of someone’s death, and everyone is expecting you to care terribly and mourn for a long time, but you feel nothing.”

“I understand that feeling, at least. When my father passed I tried and tried to feel something, but there was nothing. I wasn’t glad to be rid of him, like part of me had expected to be. I wasn’t sympathetic, and I didn’t try to think about all of the ways he could have been better. I simply felt nothing at all.”

“Precisely. But then I had to wander around in all black, mourning the loss of a man that did not care for me at all.”

“Did you care for him?”

“I tried to, truly I did, but I did not know him at all. There was nothing that I knew that I could learn to love beyond his tendency to leave me at every opportunity, and that was not particularly something enjoyable to me, I must admit.”

A silence fell between them again, and once more Adam refused to let himself pull back. He hadn’t intended to feel anything at all for her, just as her first husband had, but he couldn't bring himself to call his growing feelings towards her a failure in that respect. All he could feel was pity, for she was so filled with love and goodness and yet at every turn she had been refused that same love in return. He hadn’t wanted to be that person, as he couldn’t even if he wanted to, but it didn’t make it any easier to see her sitting there knowing she hadn’t known love the way she deserved.

“Pardon my asking,” he said carefully, “And you need not tell me if you do not want to, but how did he pass away?”

She stiffened beneath him for a moment, and he truly did think he had misspoken, but then she laughed.

She leaned forward as she did so, her chuckle quickly becoming a large laugh that filled the air.

“A duel,” she said through gasps.

Adam couldn’t help but laugh with her. It was infectious, and he didn’t want to seem as though he didn’t respect her first husband but he couldn’t stop himself. It was completely and utterly bizarre to hear, and Beth seemed to understand that.

“A duel?” He asked.

“A duel, I tell you. To this day, I don't even know what it was over. He never cared about anything at all, and then one day he left and didn’t come back because he had to go to a duel.”

“So he must have cared about something. One does not find themselves on the business end of a musket because they do not care.”

“I have always believed that he had said something unkind about someone’s wife or daughter, and then was too stubborn to apologize. It is the only way I ever could have thought possible. It is as I say, he never cared about anything.”

“He was a fool.” Adam said firmly.

“Yes, duels are incredibly immature, so I hope that I will never receive news that you have engaged yourself in one!”

But Adam shook his head. He held her gaze for a moment, trying not to lose himself in her eyes.

“That isn’t what I meant.”

Silence fell between them, and Beth sat back in her chair, but she did not turn away and so they remained close, his lips almost pressed against hers a second time. He did not pull back, daring her to do what he couldn’t and close that gap once more, but she didn’t. She looked down at his lips, clearly trying to do the same thing, but she was stronger than he was.

She was able to pull away.

She turned back to her pages, laughing nervously. Adam did the same, though his laugh was accompanied by a sigh.

Then again, if she was going to work, then he might as well do the same, he decided. He took his stack of correspondence and thumbed his way through it. There was a letter from a gentleman asking him to join their gentlemen’s club when he returned to London, and another from a gentleman offering his services as a solicitor. Adam had no need to attend a gentlemen’s club, given that he had no intentions of returning to London unless for a ball with his wife, and he already had a wonderful solicitor and was not in want of a second, and so neither letter was of any importance to him. He took both in his hands and carried them over to the fireplace, throwing them in with a puff of smoke.

Returning to the pile, he saw another letter, and he recognized it in an instant. It was an expensive and thick sort of paper, with a deep black ink showing his name in perfect calligraphy.

It joined the other two letters in the flames.

“What are you doing?” Beth asked, “You could simply throw them away, you know.”

“It is more efficient this way. Not only that, but it allows me to feel as though I truly am ridding myself of things that do not serve me.”

“Oh? What were they?”

“An invitation to a club, a solicitor, and my sister.”

He had said it calmly, but she looked at him as though he had brandished a shotgun.

“What do you mean, your sister?”

“Ah, yes, I didn’t tell you their names. The younger sister, Samantha, though she and I are the same age. I have my father to thank for that. Her mother had only just passed away when he ran away.”

“I thought you did not talk.”

“We do not, but she continues to write to me every so often. Eventually, it became easier to ignore it altogether rather than try and send a reply that wasn’t empty.”

“Do you honestly mean to say that you have a sister that has been trying to contact you, and you have been pushing her aside?”

“I wouldn’t say it in so many words. I did not lie to you. She is happy with her new life, and I am the same with mine. There is no need to force one another to maintain a relationship if we are better off separated. My oldest sister seemed to understand that, but Samantha always was the more determined one. Did you know that she was a student? Not many ladies can claim that, you know.”

But she did not respond. She stared at him from across the room, her smile having disappeared and replaced by a scowl.

“Beth, believe me, it is nothing that you need to concern yourself with. They know where this household is should they ever wish to make an appearance, and that absence should be all the proof you need that Samantha sends these letters to me out of obligation, and not because she truly wishes to.”

“How would you know?” She asked, so quietly that he was unsettled by it.

“What do you mean?”

“It has been more than ten years since you last spoke to her, and all the while she has been trying to find you. How would you know her intentions?”

“Beth, I–”

“No. You have said quite enough.”

She left the room without another word.