Chapter 1

ONE

RORY

"I'm home!" I call as I close the door to the apartment I share with my boyfriend, and slide off my shoes. I'm feeling especially giddy today since it's my birthday and he promised that as soon as I got out of my last class we would celebrate. I'm in my third year of college at Colorado Springs University as an illustration major. Zach and I have been dating for almost eight months now, and living together for four, ever since the end of last semester. We spent almost the entire summer together, rather than me going home like I have the past couple of summers. I still saw my family, but it was a much shorter stay this time around because of Zach and I getting settled in our new place.

I run a hand through my unruly brown curls as I make my way down the hall and through the open living room and kitchen area, surprised that he hasn't come out to greet me when I know he's home.

"Zach?" I call, as I draw closer to our bedroom. "Baby?" We have a two bedroom apartment near campus, and use one room as the bedroom and the other one for a study room. My parents are helping with the cost of rent until I graduate and get a full time job. And because they know living in the dorms would be a challenge for me.

I hear loud moaning and cursing coming from the bedroom as I draw closer and frown. Is he jerking himself off right now? I'd assumed we'd be having sex later. Could he not wait? He's been home for what, an hour?

But as I reach the door I hear the tell tale slap of skin on skin and then a voice that isn't Zach's. "Yeah, fuck, harder."

What the hell? The door is wide open when I reach it, and my stomach bottoms out as my eyes widen and my face flames. My chest tightens and I can't fucking breathe. He's fucking another guy on our bed, in broad daylight, and he's not even trying to hide it.

Shit, I knew we were having problems but I didn't think he'd do this.

He turns and meets my gaze. I feel a sharp stab of pain when he smirks at me. He's not horrified he got caught, or ashamed or guilty. He's not telling me "It's not what it looks like'' or any of the other lame excuses he could be throwing out there. It's like he fucking wanted me to find him with his cock buried in someone else.

"You fucking asshole," I snarl as tears fill my eyes and I hurry back the way I had come. He doesn't even bother coming after me as I slide my shoes back on and grab my backpack, heading out the door.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

I have tears still sliding down my cheeks as I sit at the campus coffee shop waiting for my friends Lucy and Jackson to arrive. I've been trying to drown my sorrows in a pumpkin spice latte, but apparently that only works as a pick me up when it comes to not doing as well as you would have liked on an exam, or your BFF not being able to hang out with you, but not so well when your boyfriend of eight months cheats on you.

My phone buzzes on the table and I turn it over, expecting it to be Lucy telling me she's delayed or something, because she always is, but it's a message from Mr. Asshole himself. And even though I know I should ignore it, at least until Lucy or Jackson gets here to play interference, I swipe and read. Big mistake, because I'm just crying harder and feeling more angry and confused than I was a minute ago when I read it.

Zach: Hey, look I'm sorry you had to see that, but it's not like you didn't see it coming.

Me: What the actual hell is that supposed to mean?

Zach: Come on, babe. A guy like you and a guy like me? You can't seriously expect me to not get some action on the side now and again. Especially when you haven't been available lately. I have needs.

What the fuck? Is he seriously making this out to be my fault? The fact that I'm actually doubting myself, wondering if I contributed to him cheating on me in some way, that maybe I am to blame, tells me this relationship was so much unhealthier than I realized. Shit. When it occurs to me that this may not be the first time he's cheated on me, I start to shake. How long has this been going on?

I turn the phone back over without responding and sigh in relief as I see Lucy approaching. There's music blasting through the speakers, and since the coffee shop is a part of the student center, which also houses a small dining hall, it's bustling with college students and profs trying to get their caffeine fix, grabbing dinner, chatting, and studying. Fortunately I have my earplugs in and it helps block out some of the noise.

"Hey," she says as she slides into the seat across from me. She has light brown skin and her black curly hair falls over her shoulders. She doesn't even have the word out before I'm a sobbing mess again and she's scooting over to my side of the table to sit next to me, pulling me to her and letting me rest my head on her shoulder as I cry. I don't care that we're in a crowded place where anyone could see me losing my shit.

"Hey, talk to me," she says, rubbing my arm with her hand and shushing me gently. When I finally croak out the words, she moves away, so stunned and clearly pissed off, that I almost fall over without her supporting me.

"Shit," I mumble, as I catch myself, then wipe more tears from my eyes.

"He did what?" she says, her green eyes stormy. "Hell, no. I'll go over there and castrate that bastard myself."

"Um, thanks," I say, "but I really just want to be here, with you guys right now, if that's okay. We can castrate later."

She purses her lips as if considering it, and then nods. She takes me into her arms again and I continue to cry.

"What the hell?" Jackson says as he joins us, sitting in the seat Lucy had previously occupied. He's tall and very thin with pale skin, and jet black hair. He wears dark eyeliner under his eyes and earrings and rings galore. He has a nose ring, and even a tongue ring. His eyes are a vivid blue and they widen when Lucy speaks.

"Zach is trash."

"Fuck," is all he says. Then looks at me. "I'm really sorry, babe."

I nod and sniffle. "Thank you. I just can't go back there. I mean, I have to eventually, to get my stuff, but not tonight. Not while he's there. I have to find a place to stay."

"You can crash on our couch," Jackson says, referring to the apartment he shares with two other guys.

"I know this is hard," Lucy says as she plays with my curls. "But I have to say, babe, I think you might be better off in the long run. I know you liked him, but Zach always kinda gave me ick vibes."

I stare at her, my eyes watery. "What? Really?" Seeing how he treated me tonight, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I never knew she felt that way.

She nods and shares a look with Jackson, telling me he agrees.

Jackson shrugs. "He wasn't mean or anything, at least not that I could tell, and I never thought he'd cheat, but yeah, Lucy's right, just bad vibes."

"Why didn't you guys say something, I don't know, months ago?" I say, irritation in my voice.

"Would you have listened? You were enamored with him from day one, and he seemed charming, I guess, but maybe that was the problem. He was a little too charming, you know what I mean?"

She's right. I've been infatuated with him since we met at a party about nine months ago. Honestly, I was surprised he noticed me. I'm typically the one in the corner with a book and headphones on because I can't handle how loud the music is, and my friends have dragged me along despite my desire to be alone, because they're convinced it's good for me to socialize. I don't mind parties sometimes, but I can't handle them for more than an hour and then I'm shutting down or getting overwhelmed by all the commotion and stimulus. My favorite way of socializing is just hanging out with the two of them. There's so much less pressure that way, and I'm horrible at small talk, so I go when they invite me and stay close to them until they're ready to mingle, and then I hide, or leave.

For whatever reason though, he managed to catch me in the short amount of time it took me to get a drink from the kitchen, and had flattered me endlessly. Told me how cute I was, how much he liked my glasses and freckles, and the way I dressed. Asked me where I'd gotten the bow-tie and suspenders I was wearing. Even told me how pretty my eyes were. I was so shocked that he'd deigned to pay attention to me at all, that when he suggested fucking in the bathroom down the hall I couldn't say no. He was not only insanely attractive, but he was the first guy to ever show a genuine interest in me, and I was lapping up the attention.

I've never been popular. High school was rough and I never had any sexual experiences at all until college. And even then it was minimal. I'm kinda nerdy and I've never considered myself particularly attractive. At five foot four I'm fairly short and skinny, and add social awkwardness to it, and it doesn't add up to much, so his attention felt like everything.

I had blown him, and then he had told me something had come up and he had to leave. I was disappointed he hadn't offered to reciprocate but shrugged it off. The next day he found me after one of my classes and it was the same thing, blowing him in the bathroom. Then he'd asked me to come to his place that night and we'd fucked for real.

It had been okay, but not anything memorable, and I had been a little discouraged that I had waited so long for sex only to have it not be everything I was expecting, but I figured it was just me, because he seemed to get a lot out of it. I just remember it hurting more than I thought it would, even for it being my first time, but when I mentioned it to him he told me it was normal and would feel better the more we did it. Spoiler alert, it did not.

My phone buzzes and I reach for it. I don't know what I'm expecting. Maybe for him to tell me he has a twin and the guy I saw fucking someone else in our bed wasn't him. Part of me really wants that to be the case because I still can't believe he cheated on me, on my fucking birthday.

Zach: Where are you? Come home. Let me make it up to you. I'll make you the birthday dinner I promised and we can talk. I'll even give you your present.

I just stare at it in disbelief before another text appears.

Zach: Come on, Rory, stop being so fucking childish and answer me. You know I didn't mean to hurt you, okay? We can work this out. I need you, baby. Don't do this to me.

Don't do this to him? As if he is somehow the victim here? More tears fill my eyes and slide down my cheeks. No. No I don't fucking know you didn't mean to hurt me. In fact I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you meant to do or you wouldn't have left the goddamn door open and fucked him when you knew I would be coming home!

The worst part is that I want to believe him so badly. I want to believe it was a mistake, that he didn't mean it, that somehow magically, he tripped and his dick fell in the guy's ass. Maybe Zach wasn't the boyfriend I'd always dreamed I'd have but he was mine, and it felt good to have someone who was mine, someone who wanted me. God, I know he's full of crap, but that doesn't stop me from considering going back and letting him "explain." Giving it another chance.

It's not lost on me that with all of these messages he's sending, never once has he apologized or even said he was wrong, or regrets what he did.

Zach: Seriously, come home, Rory. Come home. If you're off blabbing to your little friends I'm gonna be so pissed. You better not be saying anything to them. Just come home, and let's talk.

"Um, k, I think that's enough," Lucy says, sliding the phone out of my hands and locking it as I feel the blood draining from my face. "Can I make a suggestion?"

I nod and she takes my hand, giving it a squeeze that helps ground me.

"Leave your phone with me tonight. I won't look at it, I promise, but I don't think you should either. Nothing he has to say is going to be good and you need some time to clear your head."

I swallow and nod. I hate not having my phone on me, but she's right. It's not a good idea right now.

"What do you say to a movie night at my place?" Jackson says. "We can binge watch the Avengers movies and stuff our faces with ice cream."

I nod, my tears having subsided and giving way to shivers. My brain is a foggy mess and I know it will take some time to process things. Lucy slides my phone in her bag and we make our way to Jackson's, Lucy with her arm around me the entire way.

I wake up the following morning with a smashing headache, hopping off the couch in Jackson's living room when my stomach lurches, and racing towards the bathroom.

As I'm vomiting up the ice cream and nachos and the drinks from the previous night, everything comes back to me in a rush and I groan.

I jerk and put a hand to my head when I hear a bang on the front door. Slowly I make my way to my feet and flush, then rinse my mouth out before washing my hands. By the time I get to the living room, Jackson has already answered the door, and my eyes widen when I see Zach standing there.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jackson says.

"Let me in, Jackson," Zach replies, sounding pissed. "I want to talk to him and I know he's here."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jackson says, as I stand just out of sight of the doorway, listening.

"Look, I know I messed up," Zach says, his voice much gentler this time, and I find myself tearing up again. "I miss him. I need to see him. Please. Just tell him I'm here."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jackson repeats. "If I see him I'll let him know you were here." Then he's shutting the door in Zach's face and turning around as Zach begins to pound on it again.

"Damn it, Jackson, let me in. I know he's here. He has to come home eventually. He can't avoid me forever."

It's quiet after that and I'm pretty sure he's gone, so I slink out from my hiding spot. "Thank you," I tell Jackson.

"Of course. Come on, let's eat breakfast. I need bacon and coffee."

I give a smile because that sounds pretty great.

"How are you doing?" he asks me, as we eat and sip on our drinks.

"I don't know," I say. "Pretty shitty, I guess."

"Makes sense. You know Luc and I are here for you. Whatever you need. You can stay here for as long as it takes you to find a place."

I nod, and take another sip of my coffee before saying, "I just can't help wondering if I pushed him to this. Maybe if I apologized, said I was sorry, maybe if I let him fuck me more often–"

"Oh, no," Jackson says. "We're not going there." I meet his gaze and he continues. "You are not responsible for this, Rory. No matter what problems you guys were having, you didn't make him cheat. Got it? I don't care if you were only fucking once every six months, if he had a problem with it he could have talked to you. He could have said it wasn't working for him because he needs to be with someone with a higher sex drive. He could have broken up with you. He didn't need to cheat."

I nod again, but I'm not convinced that's true, and I hate it. I want to believe Jackson but I have all of the things Zach has been telling me for months running through my head right now, along with those texts from last night. I know I can't go back to him, but I don't know how to not be with him, either. I haven't been single in a long time and he was my first.

As if reading my thoughts, Jackson says, "I know he was your first, and it's always hard when it's your first, Ror, but you deserve so much better than him. It hurts a lot right now, but you will be better off without him, and you'll find a guy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated."

I swallow when I realize something. "Shit, I should get tested." Tears fill my eyes yet again and I bury my face in my hands as my shoulders shake.

"You guys didn't use condoms?" Jackson asks.

I flush. "I mean, the first few months we did, but not after that. He got really insistent about going bareback, about how much better it would be. I didn't want to disappoint him."

Jackson sighs. "Hon, that's fine if that's what you want, but you should never feel like you are being coerced into unprotected sex. God, what an asshole. I'm starting to think more and more that he was a complete douche."

I start to sob again, so embarrassed by my own ignorance and stupidity, and inability to stand up for myself in a relationship where I should have felt completely safe doing so. I was just so scared of losing him, because I'd never had anyone pay attention to me the way he had, never had anyone desire me the way he had, that I let him say and do a lot of things I wasn't comfortable with.

"Hey," Jackson says, walking around the bar and sliding his arm over my shoulders. "You're gonna be okay. I'll go with you if you want me to. We can both get tested."

"Are you having unprotected sex?" I ask with a slight laugh.

"No, but it doesn't hurt to get tested now and again anyway."

I know he's just doing it to make me feel more at ease about the whole ordeal, but I nod anyway.

"Now, when would you like to go get your things?"

I sigh and wipe my eyes. "When he isn't there."

"Yes, that's a given, hon. Lucy and I will be going with you. You'll need help loading everything into your car."

It's not until I see Lucy later that afternoon that I get my phone back, and honestly I'm not even sure I want it. Not having it was kind of nice. I take it, but don't bother turning it on before sliding it in my pocket.

We make our way to the apartment and I use my key to get in, Jackson and Lucy following behind me. I know Zach's schedule well enough it wasn't too hard to find a time when he would be gone so we could get my things and be out of here before he gets back.

Even though I know I'm doing the right thing, it still hurts to be packing up my life and leaving the place I've shared with Zach for the last several months, the place I thought we'd be in together for a lot longer.

I leave the furniture and just take my clothes, toiletries, books, and other essentials. A lot of the dishes and cookware are mine so I snag those, including the silverware. I take my food from the pantry and the fridge and gather my meds. Once everything has been piled into my car, I drive it back to Jackson's, where most of it will stay until I find another place to live.

We head inside and have lunch before I have to get to my afternoon classes. I hug my friends and thank them for everything before dashing out the door.

My last class of the day is Visual Development , and by the time it's done and I've finished my shift at the campus bookstore, I'm exhausted. Fortunately I haven't run into Zach.

When I get back to Jackson's, Lucy is already there and they have food waiting for me. I seriously have the best friends in the world.

I turn my phone back on as I settle on the bar stool overlooking the kitchen, and my eyes almost bug out of my head when I see that I have twenty two missed texts from Zach. Mostly consisting of him saying he wants to talk and work things out, and the best part, that I'm overreacting. My eyes are stinging with tears and my face is hot as I finish reading the last few messages.

Zach: I know you were there today when I visited Jackson's

Zach: We need to talk, baby. You need me and you know it. Don't let a little misunderstanding get in the way of what we have.

Zach: That's how it's gonna be, huh? Well fuck you, Rory. Good luck finding someone else to put up with you, you little bitch. You know with how messed up you are you're lucky I ever gave you the time of day, let alone thought you were worth fucking. You can be someone else's problem now, if you can find anyone who will tolerate you.

Then there's an audio clip attached, and against my better judgment I click play, even as tears slide down my cheeks. The room is filled with the noise of two men grunting and panting, and the unmistakable sound of skin slapping skin. My face drains of color as both Jackson and Lucy stare at me, trying to figure out if they're hearing what they think they are, I'm sure, because I'm doing the same thing.

Yes, Zach sent me an audio clip of him fucking someone. I know I should turn it off but I can't bring myself to.

"You hear that, Rory?" he says, as the other guy moans louder in the background. "That's what a real man sounds like when he's getting fucked. That‘s someone who appreciates what I can give him. That's what you're missing out on, you selfish little bitch. This could be you. But you won't be getting my cock anymore. And I can promise you no one is going to want you besides me, Rory. Not the way you are in bed, with that pathetic little dick. No one is going to be as patient and as understanding as me. Remember that when another year has gone by and you're all alone, you miserable piece of–-"

Lucy snatches the phone and ends the recording before it can finish, and I'm shaking and sobbing. I can't believe they just heard all of that.

"What the fuck?" Jackson snarls as Lucy wraps her arms around me. "Did he talk to you like that before?"

"I…" I don't know what to say though, the words are lost on my tongue and I just sniffle and cling to Lucy tighter. He's said some things that upset me, hurt me, but never with that level of disdain.

"Hey," Lucy says. "Don't listen to him, Rory, he's trying to get inside your head. He's a loser and an asshole and you're better off without him, that's for damn sure."

"Can I suggest that you block his number?" Jackson says. "He won't stop sending you those things, Rory, and you don't need that. It's making you so upset, babe."

"Yeah, I'll think about it," I tell him, sniffling again and wiping my eyes. He frowns, clearly wanting me to do it right this second, but he doesn't push me.

"Let's do something productive, like get online and see if we can find you a roommate," Lucy suggests. "It's fairly early in the semester so you should be able to find something near campus."