Chapter Eighteen

He kissed me.

Louisa absently ran one finger across her lips, then, recognizing what she was doing, dropped her hand to her side. The kiss had been something she had not been able to forget. She had slept fitfully, recalling every moment of it, remembering everything she had felt and how happy she had been only for the realization of just how broken she had been thereafter.

When he had used the word, ‘unfortunately', it had been as though part of her inside had turned to dust. Her heart, which had been filled with a mixture of both excitement and concern – concern that she was just one of many a young lady that he had kissed – had broken into pieces when he had said such a thing. Clearly, he had regretted their kiss while she had found herself captured by it, wondering as to what it was that it meant. It was obvious to her now that he had not meant to, had done so perhaps out of a sense of duty, knowing that it would soon come and be expected of him and wishing to take the opportunity to do so. He had regretted it, perhaps, because of her reaction, her obvious response to it and that had brought her all manner of shame and embarrassment. Her own heart, which had begun to feel various things for the gentleman, was now mortified that it had held onto those feelings, shamed that it had let them grow. No, it was time now for her to set aside such things, remind herself that she was to marry a reforming rogue and recognize that any sort of genuine affection for her was not likely to come about.

"You look upset."

Louisa started and then tried to smile as Lady Julia came to stand beside her. "Good evening, Julia. No, I am not upset. Only thoughtful."

"Why might that be?"

Louisa's smile grew a little wry and she shook her head. "There are various reasons, but the first is to tell you that I received a letter from someone yesterday, informing me that they were going to do all they could to make certain that my father ended my betrothal to the Duke of Yarmouth."

"What?" Lady Julia's voice was a little louder than Louisa had expected, and she shushed her friend quietly, though Lady Julia did nothing to moderate her voice. "You mean to say that someone is determined to end your betrothal to the Duke for their own reasons? Do you think that they wish to marry him themselves?"

Louisa let out a quiet, broken laugh and shook her head. "No, not given what was said. It was clear that the letter writer knows the Duke of Yarmouth and his reputation. It appears to me as though they are doing what they can to protect me, as though forcing my father to end the betrothal is a good thing."

"And you no longer believe that it would be."

"No." Louisa frowned as she said this, her heart quickening. "I suppose… goodness, Julia, I confess I do not know what to think!"

Lady Julia's eyebrow lifted gently.

"He… he kissed me," Louisa stammered, her face growing hot as she kept her voice quiet. "It was the most wonderful and the most painful thing in all of the world, however, for he told me that he regretted it."

Her friend's eyes rounded. "Whatever did he mean by that?"

"I do not know." Louisa let out a small sigh. "His words were that he did wish to kiss me but that he also did not wish to do so, and that, in the end, he unfortunately gave in."

Lady Julia frowned. "That is a strange thing to say." When she said nothing further, Louisa tilted her head, waiting for the explanation. "By that, I mean to say that it is unusual for that gentleman to say that he was battling within himself over whether he ought to kiss you or not. I would have thought that he would have been determined to do so and would have thought nothing of it! After all, he has wrapped his arms around many a lady, I am sure." She smiled gently at Louisa. "So why would he be battling the thought of kissing you?"

"I do not know. I had not thought of that." Louisa's lips twisted for a moment as her gaze roved around the ballroom, not stopping on anything or anyone specifically. "I only heard him say that he regretted it and since then, I have been rather upset about it all."

The edges of Lady Julia's lips turned upwards. "Why would that be? Why are you upset?"

Louisa opened her mouth to answer, only to snap it closed again. Seeing the glint in her friend's eye, she looked away, heat beginning to climb up into her face. "I do not like the thought that he regretted kissing me."

"Because you did not regret it? Because you felt the connection between you blossom and because your heart holds an affection for him?"

Swallowing tightly, Louisa looked back at her friend. "Would it be dreadful if I admitted that all to be true?"

"Dreadful?" Her friend laughed and shook her head. "No, of course not! Why would it be so?"

"Because it is foolish! Foolish to think myself drawn to a Duke who does not truly want to kiss me, who will not, no doubt, ever have any true affection for me! Why should I let my heart feel something for him when I know that he is not going to return such feelings?"

"Do you think you can be sure of that?" Lady Julia's voice had softened. "He says that he is changing, that he is determined to alter himself. What if his heart will change with it? What if he truly does begin to fall in love with you, just as you have with him?"

Louisa opened her mouth to protest that she was not falling in love with him but then closed it again, being interrupted by the arrival of Lord Quillon. He beamed at them both, though Louisa saw that his attention was pulled firmly towards Lady Julia, finding her heart aching just a little as she longed for the very same thing to be in her own life – albeit to see it in the eyes of Lord Yarmouth.

"How delightful to see you both this evening!" he exclaimed, bowing low. "I do hope that both of you will be dancing, though you will forgive me if I take Lady Julia's waltz, Lady Louisa?"

"Of course I do."

"Which is just as well given that I would like to step out with the lady for the waltz."

Something heavy dropped into Julia's stomach as she turned to see the Duke of Yarmouth bowing low, having neither seen nor heard him approaching. "You – you wish to dance the waltz with me?"

"I do." A hint of a smile touched his lips, though it did not linger. "That is, if you would wish to dance with me? I will not force it upon you."

In answer, Louisa slipped off her dance card from her wrist and held it out to him, aware that it would be most improper for her to refuse. She had no reason to do so, especially not when the gentleman was her betrothed!

"Ah, I can see that Rachel and Ruth are being brought back to me," she said, breaking the silence which had come down upon the four of them ,with both the gentlemen bowing their heads over the dance cards. "They were dancing the quadrille, you see."

She glanced to Lady Julia, feeling herself tense and awkward, though her friend only smiled but with a twinkle in her eye. There was no reason for what she was saying but yet, she was speaking regardless, the strain running through her making her whole body hum.

"Good evening, Your Grace." Ruth was the first one to greet them, smiling warmly. "Lord Quillon, good evening. And to you also, Julia!" When her gaze turned to Louisa, however, the smile faded. "Louisa, might I – "

"Good evening to you all! I do hope that you will dance with us also, Lord Quillon, though I understand that your attention will be firmly fixed to Lady Julia!" Rachel laughed but Louisa winced inwardly at her sister's forwardness, though Lord Quillon did not seem to mind in the least.

"I would be glad to sign your dance cards also," the Duke added but much to Louisa's horror, Rachel quickly shook her head and pulled her dance card back from where she had held it out to Lord Quillon, as though afraid that the Duke would snatch it.

"No, I thank you." She said nothing more, gave no further explanation but instead, merely smiled briefly but then turned her attention to Lord Quillon. Louisa watched as the Duke's eyebrows lifted, his gaze moving to Ruth though she did not say a single word. Instead, she moved to stand by Louisa, her hand going to her arm.

"Louisa, might I speak with you for a moment?"

Louisa nodded. "Of course. What is the matter?"

Her sister shook her head. "Not here. Privately."

A heaviness sank into Louisa's bones at the weight of seriousness in Ruth's eyes. "What has happened?" Taking Ruth by the elbow, she turned them both away from the small group, knowing that Julia would wait with Rachel until they returned. "Is there something wrong?"

Ruth looked back at her, coming around to face Louisa as they stood to the back of the ballroom. "It is another rumour, my dear sister. Though this time, it is a difficult one indeed for me not only to hear but to also tell you."

Louisa tried to shrug, tried to pretend that it did not matter to her, though she could not keep the worry from her voice. "You must tell me, Ruth. You cannot keep this from me. I must tell the Duke also."

"He may already be aware of it." The moment those words were said, Ruth dropped her head, redness in her cheeks. "Forgive me, I did not mean to suggest that he has done as is whispered. I know that there have been many rumours and they have been proved to be false and I suppose this one might also be, though it appears a little more unlikely."

Every word pierced Louisa like a heated iron, scraping across her skin. "Pray, Ruth, enlighten me, I beseech you."

***

Her sister took in a deep breath, then reached to take Louisa's hands. "There is a lady by the name of Lady Clement. Her husband, they think, was taken by the sea when he went to visit the continent last summer. She is saying that the Duke of Yarmouth kept her company one evening last week… and that he did not leave her house until the following morning."

Louisa swallowed hard, a chill wrapping around her. She did not respond, trying to let the words sink into her heart and doing her utmost to fight against them, to tell herself that they could not – ought not, at the very least – to be believed.

"Are you all right?" Ruth's eyes were searching hers but Louisa only turned away, dullness beginning to wash over her. "Louisa, I did not mean to injure you! I thought it important to tell you."

"I understand."

I will inevitably cause you pain. The words the Duke had spoken to her only the day before came back in a rush and tears quickly stung her eyes. Closing them so that the flood would not lead to weeping, Louisa took in short, quick breaths as she battled the swell of upset, refusing to let a single tear fall. She heard Ruth speaking to her, heard her voice but could not make out the words. Blood was roaring in her ears, her thoughts were flooding through her and it felt as though all of the world was swirling around her, threatening to drag her to the very depths.

" There you are!"

A sharp, shrill voice rang and seemed to bring everything into perfect clarity. Louisa opened her eyes, turning to see a lady hurrying towards the Duke of Yarmouth, who stood stock still, his eyes fixed to her and what appeared to be a look of horror beginning to pull into his expression.

"I am sorry, Yarmouth, but I had no choice but to tell them all."

"Tell them all what?" the Duke replied, his gaze darting one between the lady and to Louisa, who had made her way back to join them. "I do not know what you speak of, Lady Clement."

Lady Clement? Shock rifled through Louisa's heart and she suddenly could not move, could not take another step or even turn her head to look at the lady. She saw Rachel's lip curl with disgust, making it clear to Louisa as to why she had refused to dance with the Duke. Louisa closed her eyes tightly again, her hands tight, fingernails painfully pressing into her palms. What was the lady to say of this?

"You remained at my townhouse all through the night and into the day," Lady Clement said, in almost a sing song voice. "I will not – cannot – let you go! Even though you are to wed, I have tell the ton about our connection in the hope that you will not abandon me! We have such a sweetness in our time together, time which I cannot simply forget about."

"This is nonsense." The tight, rasping voice of the Duke forced Louisa's eyes open, seeing the Duke standing rigid, his face white but his eyes narrowed. "I have not seen you in months! I will admit that we have often spent time – long periods of time – together but that does not mean that I have done so recently!"

"How can you pretend so?" Lady Clement put one hand to her forehead, blinking quickly as though to hide tears. "You break me with your sharp words. I understand that you are to be wed soon but can you not see that my heart cries out in agony over this, knowing that you will be set aside from me forever?" A glint came into her eye that made Louisa's blood go cold. "That is, unless you intend to continue on as you are, even once you are wed? In which case, I ought not to have said anything!"

Louisa did not know where to look, her stomach twisting this way and that, her skin going from hot to cold and back again. She was breathing quickly, her chest growing tight and her heart painful as it clattered wildly. This was both sorrowful and humiliating, hearing Lady Clement speak so and with such clarity that it sounded as though it could not be denied, not even by the Duke himself!

"Please."

The soft way that the Duke spoke was the antithesis to the sharp voice of Lady Clement. Louisa dragged her gaze back to him, only to see that he was looking directly back at her, that word spoken to her rather than to the lady.

"Please," he said again, seeming to beg her with only a single word. Louisa knew what he was asking, heard what it was he was pleading to hear from her but she could not bring herself to say it. This time, there were no words she could offer Lady Clement to put her words to ruin, could not pretend that she had been with the Duke on the evening that he had supposedly been with Lady Clement. The trust that they had begun to build seemed to shatter as she shook her head, seeing the heaviness sink into the Duke's eyes as he gazed back at her, his shoulders dropping just a little.

Then, he took a breath.

"I want to hear no more of this, Lady Clement." He spoke firmly now, his chin lifted and, Louisa noticed, his hands curled into fists. "What you have said is a lie, for I was not with you on the evening that you said. I have not stepped into the arms of another ever since my engagement to Lady Louisa was announced and I stand firm by that. I do not know what it is – or who it is – that has driven you to say this but I will not stand for it. Do you understand?"

Lady Clement sniffed. "Say what you wish. I know the truth."

The Duke shook his head. "No, you speak lies. You are seeking to injure either myself or Lady Louisa or both of us, mayhap? But I can promise you now, Lady Clement, though I will not deny that we have been close together in previous times, I will never be so again. I will never come into your arms, never in your company again. I am committed solely to Lady Louisa and to her, that shall always be."

These words did nothing to bring Louisa's upset into any sort of calm. Instead, she turned her head away, looking blindly across to her left rather than looking at him. She did not know what to think. On the one hand, the Duke of Yarmouth was asking her to believe him, to trust him when she did not yet have full belief in his change of character though he had done a good deal to prove it to her. And yet, on the other hand, she had the fact that she had lied for him when it had been whispered that he had gone to the houses of disrepute – and what if she had been wrong? What if the Duke of Yarmouth had gone to one of those dark, illicit establishments and she had covered his true actions in lies? What if, thereafter, he was now seeking for her to lie for him again when, in fact, he had been in Lady Clement's company?

"That is disappointing to hear." Lady Clement sniffed, eyes narrowed now as Louisa forced herself to look back at the lady who had caused so much upset and pain. "I thought that, after all that you said to me, we might continue our connection and –"

"I have said I have heard enough, Lady Clement." The Duke's voice was hard now, anger burning through each word. "I do not think that you need to say anything more. Now," he continued, taking a small step towards Louisa, demanding her attention by the nearness of his presence. "I was eager to dance with you, Louisa. It is the waltz." There was a slight pause. "Will you dance with me?"

Louisa looked back at him with sad eyes, her heart thudding dully. What was she to say? To refuse him would be to say to all those near them – and to all those listening – that she did not believe he spoke the truth and that all that Lady Clement had said had broken her connection to the Duke. But to dance with him would give him the impression that she was contented to continue on just as they were when, in truth, she was not in the least bit certain about it all.

"I think you should, Louisa."

Lady Julia's voice murmured in her ear and heaving a sigh, Louisa took the Duke's hand and walked towards him, seeing the relief which poured into his expression though the concern in his eyes remained. They walked away from the small group, away from Lady Clement and yet, all the same, Louisa could feel the lady's eyes fixed to her back.

"Thank you, Louisa."

Her throat constricted. "Pray, do not speak to me, Your Grace."

"But it is not true!" he protested, urgently. "Please, I – "

"No." Louisa dropped her hand from his arm as they came to the dance floor, standing back from him so they might bow and curtsy to each other. "I will do what I must to get to the end of the evening without any further embarrassment, but thereafter, I do not know what I will do. Please, I cannot hear another word from you. It is too much." Her voice broke and she closed her eyes against the sudden rush of tears. "It is far too much."

When she opened her eyes, the Duke was looking at her with something akin to desperation in his eyes. The music began and he came close to her, one hand going to her waist, the other clasping her hand. He said nothing as they danced and Louisa concentrated solely on the steps, not letting herself think of anything other than that. She did not know how long they danced for, finding herself lost in sadness rather than any sort of happiness. When it came to a close, she stepped back as quickly as she could, before sinking into a curtsy.

"I am telling you the truth, Louisa," she heard him murmur, her eyes catching his gaze for just a moment. "And the truth is, I love you."

There was no joy in her heart, no springing up of happiness. Instead, Louisa simply looked at him before, after another moment, turned on her heel and walked away.