Chapter Seventeen

Yawning, Joseph stretched out his legs and crossed them at the ankle, glass in hand. He had enjoyed an early morning ride through the park, had returned to his townhouse to deal with matters of business and, thereafter, had taken yet another turn about the park though this time, it had been in the company of his betrothed. He and Lady Louisa had enjoyed a very pleasant afternoon walking together and, much to Joseph's surprise, he had not given a single moment's thought to what else he might be doing or whose company he might be missing out on. It was as though Lady Louisa now took up so much of his thoughts and his attention, he had nothing to offer anyone else.

Smiling to himself, Joseph leaned his head back in his chair and closed his eyes, silently thinking to himself just how much had changed. He had regained his friendship with Lord Quillon, his mother had chosen to remain in their townhouse rather than move to another place and though there were rumors abounding, he was able to fight them off without too much difficulty.

Though that is all thanks to Lady Louisa, he considered, his smile growing all the more. Lady Louisa who has given me so much. She convinced my mother to remain. She has been defending the rumors. She has even lied for me in order to push back the whispers of the ton. I do not think I will ever find a way to show her how grateful I am for all of that.

He swallowed, a slight frown replacing his smile.

Is there more to what I feel for her than mere gratitude? What if this mild affection is something more? Something even greater than I have ever permitted myself to imagine?

"I.. I do not know," he said aloud, speaking his own thoughts to himself. "Does it matter?"

Why should it matter, he considered, returning to his quiet thoughts again. If he had a gentle affection for the lady, then that was not something to be feared, something to turn from. Rather, he could acknowledge it but that was all. It would not grow, he was certain, for that was not something he had ever considered or expected for his future.

I am a little afraid of it.

That thought made Joseph frown. Why should he be afraid of his emotions? Getting to his feet, he strode across the room and poured himself a brandy, throwing it back in one gulp. A slight tremor ran through him and he frowned, trying to make sense of all that he was thinking and feeling. Why was it that the thought of having a growing and deepening affection for Lady Louisa made him recoil? Admittedly, he had always told himself that such things were foolishness and yes, he had vowed never to permit himself to be so, given how ridiculous he thought it, but did that mean that he thought the same now?

The frown on his forehead grew deeper. "I have no need for it," he told himself aloud, nodding as the thought settled in his mind, calming him. "I have no need for any thought of love nor of affection." Taking in a deep breath, he poured another measure of brandy but this time, let it swirl around the glass. "I do not think I shall ever let my heart twist in that direction." He nodded again, his frown lingering still. There was something about it all that frightened him, loathe though he was to admit it. It was as though, in considering that he might fall in love, he would find himself weak, foolish and his affection not returned. Closing his eyes, Joseph's shoulders dropped just a little. That was the crux of it, he realized. The thought of becoming vulnerable enough to confess that he had an affection for Lady Louisa, only to see her shake her head and tell him she had nothing of the same within her heart was a thought that shook him to the very core – and who was he to think that he might garner some tenderness from her? He would not be worthy of it, would not be offered it, he was sure! No, it was best to protect himself from that, to push aside all thought and consideration that urged him towards growing closer to her. That way, he would protect his own heart.

"Your Grace?"

Joseph turned, ready to bark at his butler for opening the door and interrupting him, only for the butler to step aside with an apologetic look on his face. Without warning, none other than the lady he had been considering rushed into the room, her eyes wide, one hand clutching a piece of paper.

"Forgive me, Yarmouth, but I could not wait! The butler knocked but you did not answer and – "

"You are dismissed." With a curt nod to the butler, Joseph looked down into Lady Louisa's wide eyes, his heart thudding with the awareness of how she had spoken to him, that informal manner which spoke of a closeness between them. "Whatever is the matter?"

"I am sorry for rushing in, but I could not wait! My father is not at home and thus, my sisters are waiting in the carriage, but I had to show you this. Look!" Her hand caught his arm as though she wanted to keep him close to her, the other hand lifting so that he could see what she held. Joseph took it from her carefully, forced to use both hands to unfold the letter, though, to his surprise, Lady Louisa stayed close, wrapping her hand around his arm and standing so near him, he caught the sweet scent of roses whispering towards him.

Joseph closed his eyes briefly, feeling a little off-balance as a wave of emotion threatened to crash over him, halted only by his own determination to stop these feelings crushing him. Clearing his throat, he forced his attention and his gaze upon the letter, steadfastly ignoring the desire to give in to what he felt. Reading the few lines, his eyes widened in surprise, a knot tying itself in his stomach. "When was this sent to you?"

"This afternoon, only half an hour ago," she answered, her eyes searching his face as he looked back at her. "I cannot understand it."

His lips pulling to one side, Joseph read the letter again, though this time, he spoke it out loud. "‘Lady Louisa, I write as a friend, though you might not think me so. The Duke of Yarmouth is a scoundrel and you must not tie yourself to him, no matter the difficulties that might be brought to bear, should you break the betrothal. I will do what I can to encourage your father to break it on your behalf. I should hate to see you injured, as you no doubt shall be.'" As he read the final few words, Joseph's heart sank, his spirits dropping sharply. With a clearing of his throat, he folded up the letter, returned it to Lady Louisa and then shook his head as he stepped away from her. "They are quite correct, however."

"Correct?" Lady Louisa's breath caught in a gasp of shock, her eyes widening, one hand pressed to her stomach. "What do you mean?"

Having no understanding of her sharp reaction to his words, Joseph shrugged lightly. "I will injure you, no doubt."

Lady Louisa began to blink rapidly, her eyes swimming with sudden tears. "But I thought… I thought that you had told me that you would change, that you were determined to do so. Why should you wish to injure me now?"

It was as though lightening had struck him. Seeing her close to tears and realizing what his foolish words had done, Joseph let out a small cry of exasperation at his own foolishness and, urgently, came back close to her.

"That is not what I meant, Louisa, I assure you." His hands found hers, clasping them both tightly, the letter falling to the floor. "Forgive me, forgive me for frightening you. No, I do not mean that I will do so deliberately, for every word that I have said to you as regards my desire to change has been quite true. I only meant that, given my reputation and the rumours which continually grow, I will inadvertently injure you, simply because you are connected to me in that way. I will, inevitably, cause you pain."

"Oh." Lady Louisa's blinking became a little less rapid, her breathing becoming slower as she understood his meaning. Her shoulders dropped, the tension in her frame lessened and after a few moments, she finally looked back up into his eyes. "I understand."

"I am sorry." A slight ache came into Joseph's heart as he realized just how quickly she had thought ill of him, how hurriedly her mind had turned to considering him poorly. "I should not have spoken so quickly and with such inconsideration, especially when I have such a dreadful reputation – and when your trust in me is not well established."

Lady Louisa took in another breath, her tears gone completely now. "It is growing, Your Grace."

A pang bruised his heart. "Call me Yarmouth, if you wish." The urge for her to do so, for him to hear that softness of expression upon her lips grew ferociously. "We do not need to be so formal, do we?"

For the first time since she had stepped into the room, a smile graced Lady Louisa's lips. "No, I suppose we do not… Yarmouth."

Joseph swallowed tightly, suddenly becoming very aware of just how close she was to him. The softness of her hands in his made heat tear up his arms, sending his heart into a rushed rhythm. The gentleness in her eyes made him want to linger in this moment, to continue gazing at her for as long as he could. He could not explain what it was that he felt, could not quite understand why he had such a longing for it was not something he had ever experienced before. Yes, he had often had the desire to pull a lady close into his arms, but he had never once thought about simply looking down into her eyes and remaining there! The desire to have her closer was present, certainly, but it was as if he did not want to hasten that moment, as though he could not bring himself to do such a thing yet.

What is happening to me?

Everything he had vowed only a few minutes before seemed to fade away to nothingness, like a cloud that dissipates into the wind. Lady Louisa had not moved either, he realized, as though she too felt much the same way as he. Joseph swallowed tightly as her fingers threaded through his, connecting them in an all the more intimate way.

"I am sorry that I doubted you so quickly."

Joseph shook his head no. "I will not have you apologise, Louisa. I fully understand why you did." His head dropped for a moment as the reminder of just how dark a character he had once possessed – and still tried to break through, at times – struck him. "I cannot promise that I will never injure you. Though I do say that I will do all that I can to prevent it."

"That is good enough for me."

Her voice was a whisper, forcing Joseph's gaze back towards her beautiful blue eyes, so clear and guileless. It was as though she were some sort of wonderful angel, pure and without fault, while he stood there in his rags and his shame, clinging to her desperately. His heart twisted and he shook his head. "I have been considering just how little I deserve you as my betrothed, Louisa. Even now, I see it. I know that there is much that I need to prove but to see you so afraid of my lack of good character shames me again. I do not like that you must fight against the rumours of the ton . It is a burden that I alone must bear and yet – "

"These are things we can bear together, are they not?" Lady Louisa took one of her hands from his and for a moment, Joseph thought that she meant to step back from him. Much to his astonishment, however, she placed a hand lightly upon his chest, her eyes looking up at him, searching gently.

"Together?" Joseph's voice was husky now, her gentle touch searing him through his clothes, sending his heart into a wild, furious rhythm as the urge to lower his head and kiss her began to wind through him. It was a familiar desire, one that he had felt – and given into – many a time, but this time, it gave him pause. Yes, he could easily do as he wished, yes he could kiss her, wrap his arms about her and pull her into his embrace, but something about that seemed tawdry. He had done such a thing with many a young lady but with Lady Louisa, it felt different. Was it that he did not truly wish to? Or that, this time, he was almost afraid to do so?

"I suppose," he said, clearing his throat gruffly and shattering the quiet expectation in the air between them, "we should also consider who might have sent you this letter and why they have done so."

Lady Louisa's gaze dropped immediately and she stepped away from him, leaving him with nothing but a sense of coldness which wrapped around his chest.

"Yes," she murmured, her hand now pulling away from his, ending the connection which had brought him so much confusion. "Yes, I suppose those are important questions to consider." She let out a laugh but it held no joy within it. Rather, it was dry and brittle. "That is, after all, why I came to speak with you in the first place."

He nodded. "Yes, I understand. Do you – " He hesitated, trying to remember what it was he had wanted to say, struggling now to bring himself out of the connection which he had just begun to shatter. "Do you have any thought as to who it might be?"

"How should I know?" There was a slight harshness to Lady Louisa's voice now, as though what he had done had pained her a great deal. "I bring this to you in the hope that you might know who it is. You are the one who has garnered so much upset from the ton , the one who has brought so much discontent to others. Surely it cannot be difficult to think of who it might be?"

"Because there would be so many?" Joseph asked, his jaw jutting forward as she gazed back at him, her own lips pulled tight. "Is that what you mean?"

Lady Louisa blinked, frowned, and then shook her head. "I – I did not mean to say that… that is, I do not mean to suggest… " Putting one hand to her forehead, she shook it again and then turned away from him. "Perhaps I should not have come."

She made to walk away from him and something poured into Joseph's heart, something that rent him apart. In one swift movement, he had not only caught her hand but had pulled her against him. He caught only a glimpse of her wide eyes as he lowered his head, kissing her in a way that he had never kissed anyone before.

He did not know what had come over him. All the questions over what he ought to be doing or ought not to be doing flew from him in that moment, his arms going tightly around her, his heart beating wildly as he slanted his head just a little, aware of how she had slowly begun to soften against him. Her shoulders dropped, her hands pressed lightly against his chest and her lips softened as he deepened the kiss, as though she too had been waiting for this moment.

You have fallen in love with her.

The thought struck him, hard, and Joseph snatched in a breath, breaking the kiss and stepping back from her as his hands fell to his sides. Lady Louisa's eyes were wide and fixed, her mouth a little ajar, her cheeks flushed as she stood stock still. Joseph did not move, his chest heaving, his hands curling tightly as he tried to find something to say, something to do rather than simply gazing back at her – but he could say nothing. This afternoon had been a tumultuous one, filled with all manner of confusing and unsettling thoughts which, he now realized, had ended in his heart practically dragging him towards her and wrapping her in his arms.

What was he to do now?

"Louisa, I – "

She closed her eyes, sniffed and then swallowed hard.

"I did not mean to."

Lady Louisa's eyes opened. "Did you want to?" Her voice was so quiet, it sounded like it was coming from very far away, making Joseph wince.

"No, that is not what I meant. I wanted to but I also did not. I was battling within myself and, unfortunately, I gave in."

Her eyes flared wide. "Unfortunately?" Her voice was strangled and Joseph winced, realizing what a mistake he had made.

"I am not managing to explain myself well, I am sorry. I – "

Lady Louisa shook her head. "I must take my leave. I should go. Do excuse me."

"Louisa, please, wait!" Joseph hurried forward but she was already gone, the door closing behind her and Joseph was, once again, left alone.

Letting out a groan, Joseph clapped one hand to his forehead, then threw his head back. Somehow, he had taken what might have been a wonderful moment and ruined it entirely by his lack of wisdom in what he had said. Letting out a heavy breath, he dropped his head, closed his eyes and groaned.

What a disastrous afternoon this had become… and all because he had been afraid to listen to what was truly being said by his heart.