Chapter Nine

"Whatever is the matter with you?"

Joseph jumped violently as the door to his study flew open and the Marquess of Quillon stormed into the room. "I – I beg your pardon, Quillon? Whatever do you mean by storming in here and – "

"Leaving Lady Louisa to stand alone on the floor as you did last evening? Do you have any sort of notion as to what that did to her?"

Joseph pushed himself out of his chair, a little unsteadily given the surprise in how his friend had rushed into the room. "Quillon, I hardly think that you need to concern yourself with either the lady or with my own behaviour. It is nothing to do with you and –"

"Indeed, it is necessary that someone convey to you the most lamentable nature of your comportment, and if I do not undertake this task, then who shall?"

A scowl wrapped around Joseph's expression. "My mother is one person enough, I assure you. I do not require you to also –"

"What you think you require and what I know you require are very different." It was the third time that Joseph had been interrupted and he felt his scowl darken while, inwardly, feeling a light twist of discomfort over his friend's words. Last evening, he knew he had behaved disgracefully towards Lady Louisa and had felt a twinge of guilt in leaving her as he had done but what else had there been for him to do? He needed her to end their engagement. Behaving in such a way was the only thing he could think to do, given that she had otherwise refused.

"Are you even listening to me?" Lord Quillon threw up his hands. "When I returned from my Great Adventure, I was told about your exploits but never did I think that you would surpass the rumours that had been spoken about you!"

Pain flashed through Joseph's heart but he ignored it. "I do not think you have any right to speak to me in such a way," he grated, angrily. "We may well be friends but that does not mean you can pass judgement over my behaviour!"

"Did you not see the look on Lady Louisa's face when you stepped away from her?" his friend demanded, seemingly ignoring everything that Joseph had been saying. "Did you think about what it might be that she would feel? Or are you so utterly selfish and inconsiderate that the only person you think about in all of this is yourself?"

Joseph could not give him an immediate answer. Instead, he looked away, his jaw tight and his hands curling into fists as he tried to ignore the guilt which stabbed through him.

"She was crying, Yarmouth."

Another shock rushed over Joseph as his gaze shot towards Lord Quillon, whose expression still held nothing but fury. His hands were at his waist, his jaw set, his eyes flashing – and yet another stab of guilt went through Joseph's heart.

He steadfastly ignored it.

"This young lady clearly does not want to marry you, either," Lord Quillon continued, when Joseph did not answer. "I saw her as you and she danced together. There was no joy there, no hope nor expectation. Instead, there was only despair."

"She made it very clear to me that she did not want to marry either," Joseph answered, attempting to fill his voice with confidence though it did not do as he had wanted. "I suggested that she end the engagement but she would not."

"Why was that?"

Joseph lifted his chin and shrugged. "Something about her sisters, I believe."

Lord Quillon threw him a scathing look. "And you did not listen carefully enough to hear precisely what it was, I presume? Too engrossed in contemplating your own situation and how you might extricate yourself from it. You expect her to do as you wish, expect her to follow through with whatever circumstance will suit you best and when she does not, you try to shame her into action." He snorted, shaking his head, his hands falling to his sides. "I have no desire to be associated with you any longer, Yarmouth. I am utterly ashamed to have once called you my friend."

Shock stole all of Joseph's words as he stared back at Lord Quillon, his eyes rounding. He tried to speak but no sound came out, tension beginning to flood through his frame.

"You will tell me, no doubt, that we have been friends for a long time and, had you been of a different character, then we might well be so now. However, when I saw the look on Lady Louisa's face last evening when I told her we were friends, I knew then that something had to change." He shook his head. "I am in search of a bride, of a love match, if you must know and I will not have my reputation damaged because of my association to you."

"Quillon!" Joseph tried to laugh, shaking his head. "Pray, tell me, can it be that you are in earnest regarding this matter? It is not as though I am some dreadful sort who has sullied many a young lady now, is it?"

His friend's eyes narrowed. "How am I to know how many young ladies you have taken into your arms?"

Joseph swallowed tightly, trying to find a way to explain to his friend that he had never deliberately determined to pursue any young lady that was a debutante, though, given the look in Lord Quillon's eyes, he did not think that it would be of much use.

"I am not as poor a character as you think," he said, trying to sound determined but realizing that his words were falling short. "I know that I have done many a thing that you might not have done but that does not mean that our friendship is worth nothing, surely?"

Lord Quillon lifted his chin. "Had you been the same fellow you were when I first left for my Great Adventure then yes, we might well still have been friends. But I cannot and will not maintain a friendship with a gentleman who treats those around him with contempt, who thinks only of himself and cares nothing for those that he injures. I have never deliberately set out to shame a young lady in order to have her do as I ask. I have never seen a young lady cry because of my behaviour and I certainly will not maintain a friendship with someone who can be both so callous and so careless with it." He inclined his head, his expression one of disgust. "Good afternoon."

"Quillon, I –"

His friend had quit the room before Joseph could say anything more. The door closed and Joseph was left staring at it, his mind struggling to come to terms with what it was that he had just been told. He did not want to accept all that Lord Quillon had said to him about himself, did not want to take in those words and yet, they lingered there in his mind, regardless. Closing his eyes, Joseph dropped his head and rubbed one hand over his eyes.

Am I truly so terrible?

A memory of Lady Louisa's expression as he had informed her about what it was that he required of her came back into his mind with such force, Joseph sucked in a breath. He had demanded that she be the one to break the engagement and when she had refused, he had been angry with her. Angry that she would not do as he had asked and irritated at her refusal to accept his reasons for the responsibility to be hers alone.

"I have every right to be angry," he said aloud, though his words seemed to burn on his lips, forcing him to reconsider. Ever since he had stepped out into society he had found that almost every young lady of his acquaintance had done as he had wished them to do. That was when he had begun to realize just how much he had available to him, just how much he was able to take for himself without too much consideration about the ladies themselves.

And that is the reason that she irritated me so much, Joseph considered, scowling. Because she would not do as I asked of her.

The door opened before he had even time to align his thoughts, his mother coming into the room with her eyes flashing. Joseph's defenses rose as she stood, her elbows akimbo, her face white save for a dot of color in each cheek.

"Lord Quillon has informed me that he will not be returning to this house," she said, crisply. "And he has informed me about why that is. I know you will, no doubt, want to blame him for speaking of you in such a way but have every assurance, I pressed him until he did so. I would not let him leave until he explained all – and I cannot quite believe what it is I have been told."

Darkness cast a shadow over Joseph's soul. "I have disappointed you yet again, it seems."

"Disappointed?" The Duchess shook her head. "It is more than that, my son. I think I am at an end."

Joseph frowned as his mother dropped her hands to her sides, a sudden weariness about her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I am at an end of all of this," she answered, shaking her head as a long sigh escaped after her words. "I have done all that I can to try and set you back on the right path, to make you into the sort of gentleman that your father wanted you to be, the sort of gentleman that I could be proud of. But I see now that it is quite without hope. I will gain nothing from this endeavour save for disappointment and sadness. Therefore, Yarmouth, I am at an end." She flung out her hands, her lips thinning for a moment as she held his gaze. "Do as you please. Whether you wish to keep the betrothal or end it, I cannot bring myself to care any longer. You have brought enough shame to Lady Louisa already – in only one single evening – that she will have every reason to end your connection anyway and if she does not, then that is to her credit and certainly not to yours." With another shake of her head, the Duchess turned back towards the door. "I think I shall go to reside with Lady Newhampton."

"Lady Newhampton?" Joseph repeated, astonishment flooding his voice. "Why should you go to reside at the house of your friend when you have a perfectly adequate house here?"

His mother glanced back at him, though she did not stop walking away from him. "The company there is a good deal better, Yarmouth."

"But… but the ton !" Joseph exclaimed, something like dread grasping at his heart. "They will hear of this! They will know that you have quit this house so you might then stay with another and, no doubt, they will then speak of it. That, I know, is not something that you want."

The Duchess shrugged. "I do not think I have too much concern in that regard any longer," she said, reaching the door and stepping out of it, her words drifting back towards him. "I have endured enough already. What more can another whisper do?"

It was as though the entire room had filled with a cold, winter wind as Joseph watched his mother walk away from him. He did not know what to do, did not know what to say. Instead, his heart pounding as though he had been in some great exertion, he sank back down into his chair and closed his eyes.

I am alone.

The thought was not a pleasant one and Joseph shuddered lightly, opening his eyes and trying to take in a long, steady breath. The truth was, he told himself, he had merely caught the displeasure of the ton and that would soon fade, no doubt when they found someone else to be upset with. As for Lord Quillon, if he did not want to maintain their friendship because of some sort of misplaced concern over his own reputation, then that was his own concern. His mother, Joseph told himself, had always been overly concerned with Joseph's present state and his character and she was, therefore, overreacting entirely.

"There is nothing for me to be concerned about," he told himself, ignoring the twist of worry and the stab of conscience which came at the very same time as he rose out of his chair. "I shall take myself into town and prove that it is not as bad as they say"

With a nod to himself, Joseph made his way to the door and, pausing only for his hat and gloves to be brought to him, chose to hail a hackney rather than wait for his carriage. Yes, he thought, a walk about town would prove to him that all was quite well and it was both Lord Quillon and his mother who were overacting.

He had nothing at all to worry about.

***

That is the third cut direct I have received thus far.

Joseph's spirits were slowly sinking as he attempted to smile at two young ladies who were walking together. One, however, simply turned her head away while the other caught his gaze. Her eyes rounded though it did not seem to be in either pleasure or delight given the way she did not smile and, instead, pulled her gaze away from him as quickly as she could. What was worse was that they both then moved to the other side of the street, as though to stay as far from him as possible.

"Whatever is the matter with them all?" Joseph muttered, trying to set aside the desire to climb into a hackney and return home all at once. This was not at all what he had expected. Yes, he knew that society as a whole did not look favorably upon him but there had always been some who would speak with him, who would smile and laugh at what he had to say, who would welcome him into their company. Now, however, Joseph began to fear that there would be very few who would do such a thing. Was he to be considered an outcast, then? Would the regular invitations he received to various occasions begin to slow until he received none whatsoever? The thought was a dreadful one and Joseph's jaw tightened, a slight tremble in his frame that he did not particularly like. He had always been strong, had always been determined to do whatever it was he wanted and without concern, but now, to be stuck in this moment, he felt as though he were quite lost. This was not what he was used to when it came to society, not what he wanted from them. Could it be that Lord Quillon had been right in all that he had said? Was the Duchess also correct to state that he was not pleasant company? Joseph did not know what to think, rubbing one hand over his eyes as he continued to meander through the busy streets of London.

"Did you hear what he did to Lady Louisa?"

Joseph spun around, only to catch the eye of a young lady who was then whispering to another, though she merely met his gaze and then continued speaking as though he was not standing right there, hearing her every word.

"He left her standing on the floor after their dance, going to find someone else to speak with instead!"

"Goodness!" The other young lady looked at Joseph with darkness in her gaze as they walked straight past him. "How dreadful."

"It is just as well Lord Quillon came to her aid," he heard the first young lady continue, now as they walked ahead of him. "He is an excellent gentleman, I must say."

"And the Duke of Yarmouth is quite the opposite!"

Those words struck Joseph so hard, he felt as though he had been punched hard in the gut, pushing him backwards. Warmth washed over him, only to be followed by an icy coldness. Every part of his body shook, his eyes blinking furiously, panic seeming to swirl around him.

I am nothing like Lord Quillon. He closed his eyes, swallowing repeatedly, his hands clasping and unclasping as he fought to regain his composure. And now no-one in all of London wants anything to do with me.