Chapter 15

FIFTEEN

Owen

I 'd received dozens of emails, calls, all of which were requests for interviews. They've become incessant. I can't escape them. All because I'm now the accidental face of gay sports as the first out national team fencer. But I'm a fucking fraud and taking space from real queer people. It makes me want to disappear even more intensely than ever before.

The pressure of this whole "out and proud" shit isn't for me, even if it were true. I hate being the center of attention. I hate when anyone recognizes me as a person most of the time.

What's worse is it's stressing me out so much I know Colin feels it. He's a shell of his joyful self, and I hate that he has to deal with me.

Why do I have to exist?

"This shouldn't be me. It should be you, or Colin." I sit in Oliver's corner office with my knees pulled into my chest, trying not to have a panic attack.

"It is Colin."

"He wasn't invited." I stare. "Were you even listening?"

"He is on this team with you. He is a fencer and is your husband. So all of this is about him, too."

"But he's not the gay guy on the national team."

Oliver rubs his temples. "I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but you're married to a man, which makes you gay."

"It's a fucking sham." I look around. "Why do I have to keep telling people this? Is everyone gaslighting me?"

"You might not be gay-sexual, but you're at least bi-romantic."

I give him a flat look. "It doesn't work that way."

"Why not? You can be bi-sexual and not bi-romantic. Can't it be reversed?"

I close one eye, working through what he said. "This seems like a trap. Isn't that just friendship?"

Oliver lifts his shoulders. "I don't like labels. Or out or closeted. All of it seems stupid and over complicated to me. None of this should be news."

"It's news because it's important to people to see themselves in others and in their heroes."

"It's stupid to make athletes your heroes. Half of us are psycho and the others are frauds. Who else is torturing themselves like that every day, unless they are egomaniacs or hate themselves?" Oliver has a point, and I can't argue.

"I don't know why people do it, but it's not bad for kids to see happy queer people doing big things."

Oliver looks down his nose in the most condescending way. "You're making your own argument on why you have to do it, and do a good job at it. Be the most loving out gay guy with Colin on a national stage." He laughs, and I hate him.

"I need to get hit by a bus for real." I put my head in my hands.

"I need to get you a Pez dispenser of Xanax."

"Is that allowed?" I ask.

"It is. You can still take all your medication. I checked with the team doctor." He types something into his keyboard. "How is the new apartment?"

"It's good. Getting used to living with someone else is weird. Is it that way with you and Isaac?"

Oliver looks up. "Huh?"

"Is it weird to live with a stranger?" I ask again.

Oliver gives me a confused look. "He's not a stranger."

"Yes, but he's a new person living with you. Isn't it weird to get used to all his habits?" I rephrase because Oliver is so weird about things.

"I just tell him to stop his habits. So it doesn't bother me."

I blink. "Nothing he does annoys you?"

"What's Colin doing?" Oliver shuts his laptop.

"Nothing, and that's not what I was asking."

Oliver narrows his eyes.

"I was only trying to bond with you and share experiences. Never fucking mind." I huff.

"We are twins. Do you think we need to bond more?"

"About our husbands!" I throw my hands up.

"Is your marriage real now or still fake?" He gives me a sardonic smile.

"It's a wonder Isaac can tolerate living with you."

"I'm at work all day and then fuck him to sleep. I'm sure he has no complaints."

I groan plugging my ears and stand. "I'm leaving. I need to go ask if I can practice with the Gods until I start with the national team." It's the last thing I want to do, because exercise. I know it will help my mental health and anxiety but will to live and motivation make it hard. I'm really hoping being back in the team environment will make it easier to not be a slug on the floor of my apartment.

I get a car to campus and talk to Coach. He, of course, loves the idea of having heard all about the national team invite. He's so excited about it he insists I stay for practice tonight.

When we walk out of his office, Colin is all smiles with Ryan Abbott. All over him in a way I'd never registered before.

My ears ring, and my vision narrows.

But not in the panic attack way.

In a ragey I'm-going-to-kill-that-motherfucker way.

I can't figure out what is happening to me or why I suddenly feel like murdering the guy smiling at my husband.

Is this jealousy?

I try to stay in my body and not let my feelings run away with themselves. My chest is tight, my heart is beating fast, and my blood is on fire.

Is this how Oliver feels with Isaac?

This is awful. I hate it, and I want it to stop.

I strongly consider becoming a murderer to get it to stop. It is the easiest route. And it would solve a lot of my issues, like the interview with the New York Times tomorrow about being the first openly gay fencer. Jail also sounds kinda nice, although overstimulating.

Colin leans in and practically puts his fucking lips on the guy's ear, and I see red.

I stalk across the room, sabre in hand.