Chapter 33

Reece

Everything has changed. My life before this no longer exists. I've found a home here, in Iowa. It doesn't feel like it's been only a few months. It's like I've always lived here, like this has always been my life.

I'm still ignoring the nasty texts from my father demanding for me to get over my shit and come back home. Maybe I'll have the courage one of these days to tell him that I'm doing just fine without him.

Elaine texted to say they have an offer on the house. Everything should be wrapped up in a few months.

With Julie, I find myself gathering more and more courage to talk about Abby. After a good morning text from her today, I had the urge to talk about our daughter. So, I told Julie that I'd been thinking about her.

Julie: Her eyes, Reece. Are you sure they were closed the whole time?

Me: I'm sure. But I always imagine her with your blue eyes.

She sent me a hug emoji after that and told me to have a good day and take care of myself.

"Hey, where'd you go?" Sawyer asks. I turn at the sound of his voice. He pauses his stirring – creamy chicken for dinner tonight – and comes over to me, where I'm standing by the window.

He puts a glass of Pepsi in my hand. "You're inside your head. I can see the wheels turning."

I shake my head. "Sorry. It's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

I take a sip. God, this man is wonderful. He's so wonderful that I want to climb into his heart and search for all the things that caused him to be so beautiful on the inside. No one is born this sensitive and kind and I want to explore him and get to know him and drown in his heart, and I want to give him everything I could ever offer another human being.

"I was thinking about Abigail," I say after a while. What kind of life did you have that made you like this? I want to ask. Why do you feel like the future, the life, I've always dreamed about? How is it possible that you fit into my heart equally with Asher? And why is there, in such a short space of time, no distinction between the way I feel about you and the way I feel about my first love?

"You wanna share?"

I laugh, but my throat jerks. Before Sawyer, before them , all there was, was an everlasting ache. And now, that ache feels easier to bear. "You know, Julie and I chose yellow for everything ."

"Yellow is a nice color."

"Right? She might have liked it, right?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"And on the wall, we had these yellow and black bees painted."

And then, everything breaks, and my forehead drops to Sawyer's shoulder and my body shakes.

He takes the glass from my hand and sets it on the mantle.

His arms come around me and I bury myself into his chest. He holds me like I'm something precious he must protect, and suddenly, all I want is a home with them. A life with them. I want to never leave them, and I want this complicated that Sawyer spoke about. I don't know much, and I don't claim to understand much about life, but of this – this complicated us – I'm certain. There is a sureness in my bones that this is right. And I can choose it because I'm allowed to make my own choices about my life.

"I – I'm sorry," I choke, surrendering to the warmth of his embrace, knowing that here, with him, I'm not too much, but still sorry that maybe I am.

"What is there to be sorry about, beautiful?"

I remain in his arms for a long time, and he keeps me there long after my sobs have died down.

"You're okay," he says over and over.

"You're okay."

"You're okay."