Chapter 18

Reece

I just need some friends. Not Ash and Sawyer. No. I need my own friends. Brian, for example, who made a bet with everyone that I wouldn't last a month. He called it like he saw it, and I need a friend who can be honest like that.

Abe too, so I can have someone to drink with. And Walter. He has a simple, stable home life. If I stay here – and why can't I stay? – then he's the kind of person who would invite you over for Christmas lunch. I won't miss having a family. I can go to see him and Bianca anytime I want, he told me so.

And I don't need to eat lunch with Sawyer every day. I can eat with Wade. And I can buy more pastries from Dotty's and share with everyone.

I need to stop this fucking shit about obsessing over Sawyer. He's just being nice. And besides needing some of my own friends, I also, maybe, need a fucking therapist.

Still, even now, in God's open prairie land, I can almost feel his scruff against my cheek. My cheeks flare up and I look around to see if there are any witnesses to my vile sexual fantasies. That scruff. It's that fucking scruff and those big, hard hands.

"Everything okay with Sawyer?"

Oh, my God. What?

I swing my head in the direction of Wade's voice. He comes over to me from the trailer. His curly brown hair is pulled into a ponytail and his face has dirt marks on them. I hand him the clean, damp cloth I just got from the mobile washbasin. Wade is probably about my age. Mostly quiet, like me. I don't know much about him other than he works hard to help take care of three of his younger siblings and his aging parents.

He scrubs the cloth over his face and points to the tool next to me. Today, I'm going to learn how to use a mattock , which is a tool for digging through and chopping up the roots of a tree.

"Yeah, everything's fine." Unless Wade knows what I did in my bed last night. "Why?"

"He said you can chop with me today."

I frown. "Okay, and?"

Wade chuckles. "He never lets you work with anyone else. Like we'll eat you or something."

I bite into my lower lip. I'd like Sawyer to eat me. Out . Eat me out.

Jesus Christ.

Wade starts walking. I pick up my mattock and follow him. We work together throughout the morning. He shows me how to angle the mattock correctly. Efficiency over effort, he says.

I try not to look for Sawyer but I find myself looking out at the area where the trucks park every now and then. I finally spot him when it's almost lunchtime but he works right through, and I end up eating lunch with Wade and the rest of the boys.

By six o'clock, I haven't been within six feet of Sawyer and we haven't spoken a word all day. I keep panicking about him knowing what I've been thinking but that's ridiculous. Still, he's avoiding me. Why?

When he doesn't say goodbye at the end of the shift, I kind of lose my mind.

He's almost reached his truck when I catch up with him. Reaching out, I place my hand on his shoulder. Sawyer jerks back and I freeze. What the fuck is going on with him?

"I'm sorry. Didn't mean to startle you," I say.

He smiles, but I don't buy it. "Yeah. Sorry. Mind is elsewhere."

"Did I do something wrong?"

His forehead creases. "No. No. Why would you ask that?"

"Just . . . you've avoided me all day. Did I do something?"

"No. It's nothing. Sorry. It's been a long day. First day on a new contract is always a drag."

"Are you sure it's not me? Am I overstepping?"

"No. It's nothing." But I'm convinced something is wrong.

"Did Asher say something?" I press. "About me working here? I know my place, Sawyer. I'm not here to cause any problems." Is that my conscience talking? That's my fucking conscience talking.

Sawyer finally gives me his full attention for the first time today. "It's nothing like that, Reece. Trust me. Maybe I'm just having an off day."

"Okay. If you say so."

His eyes linger on my face. Now, after ignoring me all day, he looks at me like he can't pull his eyes away. It must have been only a few seconds, but it feels like a lifetime.

"Do you still love Asher?" he asks suddenly.

The question is so out of the blue but also not all that unexpected. It was only a matter of time before something like this came up. No one is under any illusions about how strange this setup is. Still, how do I answer him? Tell him the truth? Tell Asher's fucking husband that I will never stop loving the man he's married to? How about I tell him how I fucked my ass with a dildo last night while thinking about him ?

"Are you asking because I've done or said something out of pocket?" I drop my gaze, because if I keep looking at him I'm going to explode into a great ball of fire.

"No. It's just—" He stops talking and I raise my eyes to him again.

"No. Nothing like that. I was just – just thinking about it. That's all. Just random thoughts. I know how important you were to Asher. I'm okay with you being here. I trust him. No question. He would never do anything to hurt me. Or you."

"I know. And I respect that. If I haven't shown it enough, I'm very grateful for your help."

"I know. And you've shown it enough."

There's that look again. Like I've done something wrong. He looks at me for too long and I can't keep my eyes off him.

We go our separate ways. I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right.