Chapter Six

Shelby

When I came to, I was back in the same room, hurting, groggy, spitting mad, and… I was alone.

If that didn’t just take the wind outta my sails for a minute or two. With no one around, I took stock of myself. My jaw hurt like hell, moreso when I attempted to move it, as did the inside of my mouth, but I could move it. The brace things they’d put on my teeth and the bands were gone. It was a good thing, I supposed, yet my voice and throat were of course still damaged.

My sense of betrayal mounted as I cataloged the rest of my body, and my anxiety skyrocketed. There was a new gown on me, and places that had started to feel better were sore, as if my limbs had been manipulated this way and that while I was out. An irritated burning sensation was left behind from the catheter I’d hated, the hose no longer strapped to my thigh, but that wasn’t the only thing different. The door opened as I squeezed my thighs together, then clenched, thinking I surely had to be mistaken, but I was hauntingly familiar with the tell-tale squish no matter how well they thought they’d cleaned me up.

Blake came in while I spiraled, my focus set on a folder he had in his hand. It hung by his side, the cover flipped back and the glossy image of a scan on top. When I looked up, his eyes met mine and widened when I curled up into a ball on my side, whimpering as I went. My mind wavered between the present and the past, the latter not long enough ago to be dulled by the passage of time. Only the stabbing pains in my chest kept me in the now.

“Shelby, hold still before you hurt yourself,” he admonished as he rushed to my side, tossing the folder on the rolling table.

I recoiled from his touch while a scream battered at my throat. With it half-healed as it was, the resultant sound was more wounded animal than human.

Blake’s hands went up in surrender. “I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong, but I won’t touch you unless you allow it.” He said it like it was a promise, but he had lied . He’d already done that and worse.

My anger gave me the control I needed to moderate my gasps for air. I set my accusing gaze on him and shook my head before pulling at the gown. Guilt quickly registered in his eyes, showing he damn well knew what I’d meant.

“The gown was soiled. A nurse changed it after your procedures.” His voice was gentle, but his explanation was vague, like he didn’t want to spook me by telling me exactly what they’d done after they’d drugged me.

I couldn’t stand it. The absence of the boys, no, the cousins , said it all. They hadn’t left me alone, hardly at all, but now they were scarce. If they’d done nothing wrong, what other reason could they have to not be around when I woke up? Everything hurt . My body, my mind…my heart. I’d stupidly begun to trust them. There was only one constant in my life anymore, and I was damned well going to embrace it. When my searching hand failed to find what it sought, I was almost too wary to take my eyes off of Blake.

Daring a quick glance to where it should have been clipped to my bed rail, I discovered it wasn't there. Rather than exacerbate my ribs further, I turned my head. The whole apparatus was missing. A whine of pure misery filled the room. The only thing hooked to the tube in my arm was a nearly empty bag of yellow solution hanging from a shiny silver pole.

Where's my button?

Blake reached out again, stilling my scrabbling fingers as I jerked them out of his way. But he only held out my button, the cord coming from under the bed. Sadness lurked in his dark-brown stare when my thumb jammed down. The pain medication hit my blood stream, and as I calmed, I finally noticed the little machine attached to a short pole mounted on the corner of the headboard.

They’d changed more than my gown then. I wasn’t particularly attached to a bed, but it would have been nice to know what was happening around me. I’d had enough of my life being run for me. It was all I could do to hold my eyes open and glare at Blake until he sighed and got up to leave.

Waving the folder as he made his exit, he promised to be back later. “We’ll discuss what we found and did when you wake up, Shelby, then we’ll go over the plan for getting you well again.” Surprise, then anger, lit his gaze when I held my hand up, curled my fingers, and pointed my thumb down. We’d talk when I was damned well ready.

***

Blake

“What do you mean, she was in a state , Blake?” River all but growled at me.

I ran a rough hand over my face, girding myself in preparation to deal with the cousins. “Exactly what I said, River,” I snapped at him. “She was awake and the better part of the way into a panic attack when I walked in. I thought she’d be out for another hour at least.”

The sight of Shelby, terrified and distrusting, had burned me down to my core worse than anything. It had ultimately been my decision to handle everything while she was sedated. In hindsight, I might should have reconsidered no matter what Gavin had passed down from Carter. Blowing out a breath, I shook my head. There wasn’t anything to be done for it. Orders were orders.

“Well, you thought wrong then, didn’t you? We could have postponed the run until she was up. We should have been there, Blake!” Rain was pacing and pulling at his hair, only holding off on barging into Shelby’s room because I’d forbidden it and told him she was asleep again. I was sure he’d be in there the second my back was turned anyhow.

When River echoed him, I threw my hands up in exasperation. I rarely lost my temper too bad with them, but they had to face the truth—just as I did. “You two get fixated on something, or someone in this case, then you drive everyone up the wall until you wear yourselves out. The girl isn’t yours , Rain, or River’s either. She belongs to old man Hamilton and is going to be handed off to Rafe. Be her friend and help her out, but don’t draw attention to us when it isn’t warranted. If you keep on, I’ll tell Gavin she’s interfering with your jobs.”

Two sets of burnt-gold eyes drilled holes into me. I’d well and truly pissed them off, but I only wanted to keep them from getting hurt. They, we , couldn’t keep the damaged woman. It was best not to form attachments that would only hurt everyone all around.

“You don’t get to dictate what we do, Blake. Hamilton can go fuck himself if he thinks his twisted ass is going to saddle her with Rafe. Go ahead and tell Gavin. We get our shit done. If you can’t handle being her primary, then maybe we should tell Gavin it’s getting to you ,” Rain all but hissed at me.

My face blanched at his threat. I’m not like him. I won’t be like him.

Swallowing the urge to lash out, I fixed my face and squared my shoulders. “I’ve done nothing but care for her. If you don’t know me better than that and you’re just hovering around, waiting for me to slip up, then you can stay out of my infirmary.”

Regret creased Rain’s brow. “I know you have, Blake. I shouldn’t have said that.” It wasn’t an apology, but it was close enough for me to let it go. Rain seemed to deflate like a balloon leaking helium. “I just— We weren’t there, and River said she was so upset earlier. She’s going to hate us, isn’t she?” His eyes fell shut as his head thumped back against the wall. With a glance down the hall toward the door Shelby rested behind, I shook my head.

“I don’t know, but she’s not in the mindset to deal with what happened before she came here, let alone to take more of what’s to come. I think her trust in all of us was broken today.”

River stepped up to clasp my shoulder. “Pretty sure today proved we’re still loyal to Rittenhouse. Even if he’s Hamilton’s lapdog.” The dark edge in his voice worried me, as it did Rain from the narrow-eyed look he shot at his counterpart, but before I, or Rain, could suss him out, he stalked off toward the main part of the lodge.

“Hell, I’d better go after him before trouble finds his ornery ass,” Rain muttered in lieu of a goodbye.

I nodded after him and went the opposite direction to check on my patient. I didn’t relish having to face her when she woke. That damn thumb was enough to keep a man all sorts of tied up in knots. Couldn’t speak a thing, yet she was able to get her mind across just the same.

***

Shelby

The days passed in a haze of indifference, aided by the medication I leaned on more and more. Did I manipulate the men who provided it by moaning in pain at the drop of a hat? I sure did, but they were eager to cater to me. I supposed it was their way of trying to fix what they’d broken, to make it up to me, but what they didn’t realize was that I never really trusted them to begin with. Yes, they’d betrayed me by taking my choices away, drugging me to get their way, to make me pliable, but I was no stranger to any of that.

I’d known it was only a matter of time, what with them being connected to Carter. If I were free, I wouldn’t be hidden away with men who didn’t know what to do with me, let alone give me their loyalty. For just one moment, I’d thought they might be true, and that was what hurt the most. My own stupidity. How I could still be so naive after my trainwreck of a marriage was a mystery, one I solved just fine with a button. I couldn’t form attachments or fall into a trap of false trust if I was asleep or too incoherent to care what they had to say.

So I did the bare minimum: cleaned up when prompted, ate when one of them wouldn’t leave until I did, and pretended to watch whatever they put on the TV so they’d take their guilt-ridden behinds out of my room. I didn’t react much, but the first time I was able to talk, I cried, full-on snotty, heaving sobs. My voice was ruined . I hated the rasp. It was a reminder I didn’t need from Dirk. The outer scars I could ignore by avoiding mirrors, but the basic ability to speak had been tainted by him. Blake thought I would eventually get it back to normal, but just the thought of therapy brought back elocution lessons with Nina. Fearing I’d be sick, I pushed the button that took my cares and hid them away from me so I could breathe, much to Blake’s annoyance.

While he might not like it, I only had one thought… It was too bad they wouldn’t let me have enough to stop breathing altogether. No matter what, Dirk was always waiting for me. It was in the quiet times when my mind was fuzzy and expected to be called to that room. It was in that first rush, the same one I’d get before the pain and degradation came. It was also in the absence of him. I couldn't remember what I had done before him. Well, I could, but that revolved around Mama and her moods and my dreams of when I’d be away from her. I’d never had the chance to be me , and I didn’t think that chance was coming back either, so, with no past and no future, Dirk was all around me, in spirit if not in body, and that was no good for anyone.

Lost to myself, another day passed, or maybe a few, until I found myself face-to-face with my shitty bodyguard and my once-sweet brother-in-law.