Chapter Eighteen

Rain

“Well this won’t do at all,” I murmured. Shelby was oblivious to our presence, albeit we’d only stuck our heads in the door before retreating.

“No, it won’t,” River confirmed. “How about I go in—”

“Absolutely not!” My glare didn’t faze him in the least, but it wasn’t his turn so I wasn’t backing down. “You’re hogging her. She likes you better now.”

Despite raising one brow, clearly skeptical, he agreed with me. “Fine. You go in. If she kicks you out, I get to try.”

I sneered at his evil smirk. “See if I let you have extra time again, asshole .” He just shrugged at my muttering and pulled his phone out. “What, are you tattling on me to Gavin?”

Surprise lit his golden eyes. “Nooo,” he drew out, turning the screen so I could see it. With a grunt, I nodded my approval. “Good thinking. See if someone can pick an order up today?”

With an answering nod, River meandered over to the desk and propped himself against it. Since he had that covered, I pushed my sleeves up and knocked.

I didn’t expect an answer. If nothing else, Shelby was good at ignoring what she didn’t want to face. Opening the door a crack, I checked that she was still in the shower, but through the fogged glass, I could see her face turned in my direction.

She was well aware that River and I had few boundaries, so I took her silence as accepting my presence.

“Hey there, firecracker. I heard you had a rough time with Gavin.” I sighed when she tucked her face into her bent-up knees. “Alright, I’m coming in,” I warned before I started unlacing my boots. Knew I should have left ‘em off.

Barely audible above the noise from the shower, Shelby finally broke her silence. “Go away,” she rasped, voice almost gone. “I’m not dressed, and I don’t want company. You all lied to me.”

The last of my laces loosened enough to get my second boot off. I crossed to the shower stall, pulled the door open, and walked in, clothes and all.

“What are you doing?” she screeched, or tried to. Her voice broke before it got to more than a shout.

“First off, we didn’t lie. Secondly, I’m not letting you sit in here and cry all alone. Certainly not on the floor.” I leaned down to pick her up, but she slapped my hands away, leaving me to frown at her.

“Don’t, Rain. I don’t want you to see me. I’m naked.” Plastered as it was to her head, her hair and spiky wet lashes served to make her wounded brown eyes huge in her pale face.

“I’ve seen you without clothes, firecracker.” I’d thought to make it out to be inconsequential, but that was certainly the wrong tack.

“I don’t know why I thought you’d stop if I said no. It isn’t like anyone else does,” she said, pitiful as could be.

It took me a second to find my voice. “You’re right.” I hadn’t meant to take her choice away, but I hadn’t really thought she’d mind either.

Thoroughly soaked and the water getting more tepid than hot, I opened the door to leave and regroup only to get smacked in the face with an oversized bath towel. Once I pulled it away to clear my sight, I found River standing near the bathroom door, brows raised and finger pointing at the shower stall.

I wasn’t an idiot, contrary to what some people believed, so I turned right back around and wrapped the miserable woman up in the fluffy terry cloth, which quickly became waterlogged.

As she peered up at me questioningly, I slid down the wall opposite until I was as eye level as I was gonna get with her. “Better?” I asked, with my fingers and toes crossed.

She nodded before putting her head down on her knees again. Wasn’t anything for it but to wait her out, I supposed.

***

Rain

“I want to do it,” I whined at my cousin. He just shot me a quelling glance and held the tray off to the side as far away from me as he could get it.

“No. You already had your turn,” he argued, and validly at that.

Knowing when to claim defeat, I quietly agreed, already regrouping with a thought in mind. “You have until I get dressed. Not sure she’s gonna wake up to eat, though. She wore herself out good.”

River, taking me at my word, relaxed and brought the tray to Shelby’s night stand. “I’ll take care of our girl, here. You go get dry and come back. We have work to do.”

I scowled but complied anyhow. By the time I came back, toolbelt in hand, he had Shelby sitting up and eating while arguing about taking the pills on the tray.

“I said I don’t want them,” she snapped, voice still hoarse from all the stress and crying. “You two need to learn what no means.”

“Now, you’re just being stubborn,” River retorted then frowned. “I know you have to be hurting.”

The flags of color on her cheeks darkened. He’d gone and pissed her off, and from the mutinous scowl on her face, she wasn’t about to budge.

“Whose fault is that? Maybe if my murdering husband and bodyguard had left me alone, I wouldn’t be hurting, huh?” Her face crumbled as tears took over again. “Why won’t you let me wallow in peace?” She was all but unintelligible by that point.

With a sigh, River reluctantly put the medication and her drink back on the tray.

“Hey, River?” I interjected before they could get into it. “Why don’t you help me bring this stuff in.” When I’d come back, the supplies he’d ordered had been stacked outside the door. Figured it was as good a time as any to get to the installations.

Leaving Shelby to her own devices while remaining close enough to keep an eye on her and at hand if she needed anything, we set to work.

***

Shelby

“I’m feeling better, guys, promise,” I said for the umpteenth time, but they just wouldn’t leave . “Look, I’ll take the meds Blake sent you with, and he can follow up later, alright?”

Looking wholly unconvinced about my change of heart, River immediately pounced on my offer to let the deviant come by. “You’ll let Blake come in and talk to him?”

I swiped my finger back and forth across my chest. “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“That’s not funny, pretty girl,” River drawled.

At the same time, Rain said, “What, no needle in the eye?” I wrinkled my nose at Rain, then shooed them off, standing my ground until they sighed in unison and filed out of my bedroom. I let out my own sigh as my door shut. I was plain wrung out after Blake, Gavin, and then my breakdown. I needed some time to recover, and so did my eyes. Poor things were itchy, swollen, and bloodshot. Frankly, I was surprised neither had commented on it, but they’d been walking on eggshells, so maybe not so strange, just a bit restrained for them.

I had to admit, I was curious as to what all they’d done to my bathroom. With the pain relief mostly under control, combined with whatever else Blake had sent for anxiety, I was certainly feeling a bit looser than usual.

Upon inspection, I found they’d mounted a shower chair that could fold down, myriad grab bars—which I appreciated since taking a fall on wet tiles would do who knew what sort of damage—and a fancy bidet.

I flipped through the manual, discovering a dozen combinations. Not only could the water temperature be changed, so could the seat with its built-in warmer.

Feeling a little silly, I sat and started trying it out. It was much as expected, going fine until I picked an option I hadn’t gotten to in the manual. “Whoa,” I whispered, brows rising in surprise as I half lifted from the seat. The spray started to hit the floor, but I must have triggered a sensor because the seat beeped before everything shut off.

I stared at the remote in my hand. That’s not a thing, right? Only one way to find out, I suppose.

Pressing the same combination, I gasped and arched my back as my eyes fluttered shut. My mind was relaxed enough that I wasn’t completely embarrassed, but I still castigated myself for enjoying it. The way the warm water filled me took me back, yet it was the trigger for my body to come alive with arousal.

The water filled me until I struggled to keep it in. The urge to release battled with the concentration it took to keep my muscles relaxed enough to let it in but also firm enough not to let it right back out. Winston’s demand to ‘relax my ass’ echoed in my head while my stomach became heavy and bloated. I could almost feel Milo’s open-mouthed kisses along my neck.

He liked to start below my ear with a whispered agenda on just how he planned to use me before he’d trail down while I tried not to squirm away. As soon as he’d reached the juncture where my neck met my shoulder, he’d bite down and force himself into my ass with those awful, gut-tearing thrusts until his balls rested against my pussy.

His body would cover mine from behind while he held me so tightly I couldn’t escape. The picture stood vivid in my mind. My legs spread wide, ass up, and back bowed to give him the best access to all of my soft spots.

Memories bombarded me until my focus settled on one in particular right as the stream shut off. I forced my muscles to hold the water, punishing myself for getting off on the degrading act.

The scene from Blake’s office played behind my closed eyelids with River’s dirty words serving as commentary. My stomach twisted with self-disgust, but what really compounded the shame and drew my arousal into an unstoppable spiral was the fact that my core felt empty. My pussy was dripping wet.

With a groan, part contrition, part desire, I let go.

The water coming out triggered my body’s response to expect ill-treatment that wasn’t coming. By the time I was empty, I was left with a waning arousal and what felt like an adrenaline crash. I couldn’t be sure what the direct cause was, not with the pain meds and the new medication for my anxiety, but I didn’t want to repeat it. I only wanted to wash it all off.

With my hands shaking, ass and legs half numb from sitting for so long, I shucked off the rest of my clothes and carefully made my way to the shower. The boys had gone to the trouble to get me what I needed, and it was already coming in handy.

I roughly twisted the handle to turn the shower on. I had no business getting hot from remembering my abusers, yet I had anyway, and it made me plain mad. Mad at Dirk and Milo, mad at Carter and Winston Sr., and lastly, mad at myself. I just wanted to be normal , but they’d ruined me.

My ugly laugh echoed in the empty stall. I’d never be normal again, but maybe I could try for some normal cy ? I’d liked it when River and Rain cuddled me between them. I’d felt safe and wanted despite my meltdown and even before we’d talked. It hadn’t been like that with anyone before.

Muttering expletives at myself, I let my hands operate on autopilot, opening the shampoo, lathering, rinsing, doing the conditioner. I vaguely noticed that the products smelled nice. They’d done well picking them out.

Just as they had with clothes and other stuff. Gavin hadn’t outright said it was them, but he hadn’t denied it either. I was still upset that Gavin wouldn’t give me more answers, but on the other hand, I wasn’t so sure I could handle anything else like I’d discovered already.

Guilt poked at me when I thought of forcing the issue. He’d been very up front about why he couldn’t tell me more. He could have evaded my demand, but he’d only half-heartedly attempted it. Between him and the boys, the latter so helpful, albeit blunt, about what I’d seen with Blake, they’d done what they could. They didn’t have to be so candid, but they had been. I felt a blush fill my face again at what they’d said, and just that quickly, an answering throb started up low in my belly as my empty cunt clenched on nothing. While I’d been going in circles in my head, my libido had been waiting on the green light to kick back up where it’d left off.

How long had it been since I’d gotten off because I wanted to and not because I was forced? My emotions were so all over the place that I nearly cracked and started crying at the betrayal of not only my husband, but of my own body. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to take something back. I refused to live this way.

Who was afraid to get horny? To have basic human urges for contact?

Without much forethought, I reached up and grabbed the shower wand as I flipped the seat down then sat on the shower chair. My legs were already tired, and I was winded enough, with the ache in my ribs only temporarily dulled.

I briefly considered whether I’d even survive an attempt while standing up to, to, well… I wouldn’t think too hard on the what part of it. With my luck, without taking a seat, I’d end up on the floor in a heap. The water would eventually turn cold, and I’d be caught. The mortification from the thought alone was enough to make sure I sat my behind down.

It took some doing without twingin’ my ribs, but I managed to hook one leg over the arm and get the wand where I wanted it. I deliberately pushed out anything from my past and let the scene with Blake replay in my head, inching myself closer to the cliff edge I so desperately wanted to fall off of. But no matter how I tried, I couldn’t get there.

With a hoarse cry of frustration, I realized my clit was beginning to get to the point of being numb, further than ever from where I wanted to be. If I kept it up, the desensitization would only worsen.

Out of desperation, I slipped my fingers from my pussy to circle my once-again tightly closed ass. The renewed flutter of arousal confirmed my earlier fears. I’d been concerned why I liked what I’d seen Blake do, along with my subconscious desire for him to do it to me… My body wanted what it had been conditioned for. Need for my orgasm overrode my disgust at what I had to do.

I slipped a fingertip in, the slight burn unexpected though realistic after it had gone untouched for so long. But after inserting a second, I still couldn’t quite get there. At that rate, I was going to run out of hot water and lose my arousal, but it wasn’t like I had a handy dildo to shove up my ass. Determined to try again, for the last time, I focused on a spot away from my immediate area in an attempt to let my mind go.

My gaze happened to land on one of the clear panels of the shower which let me see through just enough to make out the screwdriver lying on the back of the toilet.

You can’t, Shelby Ann, I admonished myself, perversely sounding like Mama. But my legs hurt, my ribs would be hurting soon, and my lower belly had all but cramped with need. I was just frustrated enough to try. I’d gone beyond just wanting to get off. I’d set out to prove a point, to prove I didn’t need a man to make me orgasm, that I didn’t have to be told what to do and when I could do it. If I wanted to fucking masturbate in the privacy of my bathroom, well, I could damned well do it, logistics be damned.

Without giving myself a chance to overthink it, I carefully unfolded from the chair, opened the shower door, snatched the pointy end of the screwdriver, and closed myself back in. My ass and pussy tightened while anticipation filled my belly with butterflies. The rounded handle tapered just enough, and the smooth, hard wood just barely fit in my grip—either end stuck out from both sides of my fist. The handle dipped then flared right before the business end, not that I planned to let the metal rod go. I doubted I could lose it in there, but Sash—that woman had warned me well enough about losing something in her ass, and I wasn’t about to find out if it could really happen.

Having gotten comfortable on my seat, I washed the makeshift dildo with body wash, then got stumped by the dilemma of lubrication. I didn’t relish attempting it dry, been there done that. Figuring I was wet enough, I slid the handle into my pussy, moaning at the slight stretch as I put the showerhead back in place, then pulled it back out and let it slip back. It wasn’t quite slick enough, and the water immediately washed most of it away.

“Fucking come on,” I muttered, annoyed with myself and about to quit trying.

I decided to take my chances standing, sort of. Putting one knee on the shower chair, I got the handle slick again and positioned it at my ass, but before I could press it in, I spied the conditioner. “Surely not…” I murmured, but I reached for it anyway. Getting a small dollop on my finger, I liberally coated the handle. It slipped right between my cheeks, and although it likely still wouldn’t be enough to comfortably take it, it would work. The burn was half of what I needed, anyway.

The showerhead in place, my orgasm approaching, I breached just the rim of my ass. A burning sensation began instantly, but I pushed harder until the tip rested firmly where I needed it before I rocked against it. The bite of pain from the stretch felt like it would be enough without the added friction, and I was glad I hadn’t attempted it dry.

Cruising toward my peak, I brought the image of Blake squeezing the handles to spread the moaning woman to mind. Imagined myself in her place and the hollow sensation it would leave behind when he pulled it out.

A hoarse cry escaped when my lips parted in a gasp. Almost there.