42. Ember

42

EMBER

T his whole emotional hangover thing is shit. Considering I typically ignore my deep-rooted feelings, two days in a row of emotional breakdowns is a record I never intend to break again.

Between Hudson and Green Day, I swear the combination triggered a face-to-face meeting of all the feelings I’ve spent years teaching myself to ignore. Now, here they are, flashing like the Las Vegas strip lights, bright and on display for the whole world to see.

I know exactly what that entire breakdown came from. Not my parents or the way they talked to me. Frankly, I’m used to that. It didn’t feel any harsher than how they’ve treated me since I was a kid. And at this point, in the famous words of Green Day, Good Riddance.

My brothers, though. They have always been my lifeline. Whenever I was drowning, grasping at straws, Benson and Cody were there. Bobby strives too much for my father’s approval to have really had my back, but I see now how desperately he needed his approval. Terrified that his sexuality would exile him from the family .

He has only had a handful of girlfriends over the years but never pursued any of them seriously. He’s been best friends with Elliot for years, yet he was never fully supportive of my relationship with him. I wonder how I never saw it before.

His secret relationship with Elliot had to have been going on for years. The fact that my father knew about them, yet still forced Elliot to pursue me, makes me nauseous. Elliot was hungry for a career in politics, and I know he felt like my dad could help him get there. So I can only assume my stepfather used that to his advantage.

Telling Elliot to stop being gay—like it’s a choice. Forcing him to choose a career over his love for Bobby and using me to hide it all. It’s sickening.

What Elliot and I had wasn’t intimate or passionate. We were more friends than anything else, great friends, actually, and it all makes sense now. I avoided sex because of my lack of desire for it, specifically with him. But for Elliot, if he’s gay and loves my brother, of course he would have avoided it with me.

The times we did, it ended up being out of obligation. Like it was something we had to do because we were in a relationship, and it had been too long or one of us felt guilty.

God, he must have been repulsed by doing anything sexual with me.

Then there’s the mental hurdle of having sex with his boyfriend’s sister out of fear of threats from our father. No wonder he never wanted oral sex and just turned the lights off during sex. I palm my face, embarrassed. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. I can only imagine that’s exactly how Elliot felt when doing anything with me.

I’m disgusted that Bobby and Elliot used me in that way. They allowed my father to do that, knowing how much it was going to hurt everyone involved, and the sadness I feel easily warps into anger, toggling back and forth between feeling bad for them and being so fucking pissed off I can’t see straight .

I want to say this is all my father, but they made their choice, too.

I don’t want to see or talk to either one of them, at least until I manage my feelings on everything. But Benson and Cody, the fact they haven’t called or reached out to me. I don’t know if they don’t want anything to do with me now or if it’s something driven by my—I shake my head. Robert, his name is Robert. Not my father. He’s been far removed as my father, in literal terms, and in all the ways someone should be a father, and he’s never deserved that title.

I wish I would have been stronger before.

The fear he has ingrained in everyone around us, all for whatever benefit suits him.

God, it’s revolting.

I wonder what I might be missing with Benson and Cody. If they’ve been hiding something in order to avoid his wrath. It kills me that those two haven’t reached out to me. That was really the sole reason for my breakdown last night. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve ever known, but those two, they mean so much to me.

My heart aches in my chest. The heaviness that’s been lingering there for the past two days hasn’t lightened up.

I’m terrified it never will.

My chest is tender from the last two days, from the constant anxiety, and my heart seeps of pure agony. I’ve never been so aware of the fact that I have one until these past few days. Stabbing pain hits me with every beat as I recall the images of all of their faces.

I never want to feel this way again, which forces my mind to go to Hudson and how I’ve come to rely on his support. It’s just another thing I risk losing, especially knowing what we have is temporary.

I need to push back on what we’re doing. I should probably start looking for a place, since we only have a few months until the season is over. The team is doing so well, I think he’ll get an offer for a longer contract, and he won’t need the title we hold any longer.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand next to Hudson’s empty side of the bed. He already went downstairs, and I’ve been clinging to the comfort of the bed this morning, even though I told him I’d be down in a few minutes.

I suppose I can’t avoid life all together today.

I reach across the pillow, picking up the phone. A slight twinge of disappointment blankets me when it’s not one of my brothers, but I can’t help but smile when I see Cruz’s name on the screen. He programmed a picture of us as his contact picture; a selfie I took when we had lunch in the courtyard a couple months ago. My smile is beaming while his chin rests on my shoulder with his tongue sticking out.

I swipe to answer and put him on speaker.

“Hey, Cruz.”

“Oh my god, she lives.”

I chuckle. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Elena told me that Hudson called and you guys needed to stay an extra day. Everything okay?”

I pause, debating if I should share the details with him, but decide on waiting until we’re together and I can formulate my words and thoughts better.

“Totally. I just needed another day to work through some family stuff.” It’s not far from the truth.

“Good, I’m glad to hear that, because Daddy Maverick has been working hard and everything is ready for you to come home.”

I giggle at his self given Top Gun nickname. “Cruz Thomas,” I call him by his full name, as if to scold him, “you only call yourself Daddy Maverick after a night of actually being daddy Maverick. Are you staying out of trouble?”

“Of course not. Why would I do that?” He starts to tell me a story, but I flash back to him saying everything was ready for me to come home.

“Wait. What do you mean, everything is ready?” I interrupt him and grab my leggings, stepping into them, pulling them over my hips.

“Fine. I guess I’ll finish that story later, miss interrupter of the year. The final delivery arrived early on Saturday, and I had the team work over the weekend getting the rooms finished. The city just came and signed off on it… on everything.” I can hear his smug ass smile through the speaker.

“Are you kidding me? And I missed it!?” I squeal.

“Don’t freak out. It’s not like you missed the birth of your first born or something.”

“Yes, yes, this is just like that, Cruz.” His analogy is an accurate one.

I rip my newly purchased Green Day shirt over my head, battling my conflicting emotions. Angry I missed the final sign off, but freaking the hell out that everything is ready.

“Well, I couldn’t turn him away when he was here, so… Surprise, it’s official!” he sing-songs.

“Oh my god.” Picking up the phone, I take it off speaker and put the phone up to my ear. “I can’t believe it,” I breathe into the phone.

“I know, it’s crazy. You should be so freaking proud of yourself.”

I can’t help but smile. My heart is beating out of my chest. I’m frantic, pacing back and forth, like I don’t know what to do with myself.

Using my shoulder to hold the phone, I grab my hair, wrapping it around my hand and into a messy bun on my head.

“Teamwork, my friend. Amazingly perfect teamwork,” I tell Cruz.

“Oh, I know.” He doesn’t hesitate. “So, Christian wants a meeting with the entire team. You’re back tomorrow? ”

“Yes, we fly back later today, so I’ll be back in the office tomorrow.” And I can’t wait.

There will be a few outstanding things we’ll need to get done, but knowing the club is officially signed off on and we can open… I can’t believe it. I’m bouncing as I’m pacing around the room.

“Perfect. I’ll plug it in your calendar. Also, we have a morning coffee meeting because Daddy Maverick met someone over the weekend that I need to give you all the details on, and I think I’ll need to test out one of the rooms before we open.” I blush at the comment, and a rush of excitement hits my core at the memory of Elena, Christian, and Jake.

“Cruz…” I warn, because it might appear to be a question from Cruz, but Daddy Maverick does what he wants.

“See you ma?ana!” He hangs up before I can tell him no, so he can break the rules without guilt. I shake my head and smile as I plop the phone down on the bed.

I can’t believe it. My excitement is overwhelming and my mind is racing with all the things we need to do for the opening.

I can’t wait to tell Hudson.

I slip my feet into flip-flops and race downstairs.

“Hudson, the city signed off on the club! XConnect Live is going to open for business!” I exaggerate the last part excitedly with my arms in the air, gyrating my hips as I turn the corner into the kitchen.

I stop dead in my tracks and my smile falls. Hudson’s jaw is tense and his fists are clenched as he stands in front of Henry, engrossed in a competitive stare-down. Henry, not nearly as menacing, turns to look at me, donning the usual arrogant smile he wears.

“XConnect has a club now?”