29. Cooper

Cooper

“This is just way too sad.” David comes into my room and looks around, his eyes sweeping over the clothes on the floor and the textbooks all over the place. I’m a mess. I know this. I’m in sweats and a t-shirt I’m not even sure how long I’ve been wearing, and I can’t bring myself to care.

“Go. Away,” I say, but there’s no venom. No sadness. Absolutely nothing. I’m just numb.

It’s been three weeks since I ended things with Maverick. Ended something that never even really began.

The news of him and Pheobe getting back together has died down significantly since she’s been spied with her new boyfriend all over the place and not once with Maverick.

In fact, the only pictures I’ve seen of Maverick are on the track. That’s it.

And yes, I’m a total stalker. So sue me. I’ve been good. I haven’t gotten super drunk and dialed him after a shift at the bar. I haven’t texted him or even reached out to Sebastian and Axel to check on how he’s doing.

I’ve just done some light internet stalking, and that’s it.

But Maverick hasn’t called me either. He hasn’t texted. He must realize I was right, and he’s let me go.

Which is good. That’s exactly what I wanted.

Totally.

David plops down on the end of my bed and waves me off. “Not happening. You can’t wallow forever. I know Maverick was a loss, but honestly it was his loss, sweetie. You need to get out of this bed and get back out there.”

I nearly cackle at that. “Yeah, no way am I ready to be with anyone else.”

The thought of touching anyone else makes me want to puke. Or of anyone else touching me. I can’t help that I’m now ruined for all other men. It’s fine. I have my animals. I’m almost finished with school and moving on to vet school. Soon, I’ll have a big house of my own, filled to the brim with animals.

That’s a dream come true.

I can be happy. I so can.

“Stop fantasizing about a big house full of animals,” David deadpans, and my eyes widen in his direction.

“We know each other too well.”

He chuckles. “I know. But this is so not good. I don’t like it.” He looks around at my messy room, and I feel slightly embarrassed, but I have no energy to fix it. I’m just zapped. “This isn’t the Cooper I know.”

“You said you were proud of me,” I say defensively. George and David have both told me they were so proud of me for standing up for myself, for not allowing myself to be hidden away.

But I’m starting to think that was stupid. I could have totally been his secret lover, damn it. I could have done it.

“I am,” David says, pulling me out of my insane thoughts. “But this . . .”—he sweeps a hand around the room and over me—“is not a good look.”

“I’m fine,” I say for what feels like the millionth time. “It’s just my day off. The first one in a long time.” I try to make excuses as I absently look at my phone and then toss it down because there are no messages. No missed calls, and my heart clenches tightly with disappointment.

“You told him you needed time,” he says quietly.

“I know.” I hold back tears. “But I didn’t mean this much time.”

He smiles sadly at me. “So call him. Or send a text.”

“No. I can’t,” I argue instantly, not even sure why. I mean, I told him I’m here. That we can be friends. I want to be around him, but I don’t know if I can handle just being his friend.

I want so much more.

“Besides he’s on the road. I don’t want to distract him from the race. He’s been doing really well.” My voice sounds high and squeaky, but David doesn’t comment on it. Thankfully.

“Maybe you could invite him to your graduation or at least your party. It would be a great step into friendship.”

He says the word like it’s dirty, and it definitely makes me feel that way.

“No.”

He cocks his head to the side, then shakes it with pity. “You’re too stubborn for your own good. I still think you two can work it out.”

“I’m not forcing him out of the closet. That’s not okay, and you know it.”

“Hey, he wants out. He just needs the reason, and you, Cooper, are a really damn good reason. You’re worth it, even if you don’t realize it.”

I try not to let the words get to me. I’ve never been enough for anyone. Not quite. My parents couldn’t stand me since day one. I wasn’t good enough for them, but as long as I complied with who they thought I should be, it was fine.

Until I came out and it was too much for them. They kicked me out without another thought.

Every relationship I had before Maverick—if you can even call it that—they were fine until I became too much and not enough for them at the same time. Too dorky. Not sexy enough.

Too obsessed with animals. Not attentive enough to them.

Too clingy. Too busy. There too much. Not there enough. It didn’t matter. It was never good enough.

Maverick never made me feel that way. He didn’t.

Not until that night.

And now, I just can’t get it out of my head. What is it about me that wasn’t enough for him to tell his friend that I was his boyfriend?

What was too much about me that held him back from doing that?

What is he afraid of?

I don’t know. All my old insecurities have bubbled up and taken me down because I just don’t know. It felt so damn perfect, and then it all fell flat.

And I’m just left wondering when I’ll be enough.