4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Bren

Since returning home from Swena, fatigue weighed me down like I wore a weighted blanket twenty-four seven.

At first, I had blamed the jetlag. There was a several-hour difference between the two countries, and the plane ride had been brutal. Mostly because it felt as if I were ripping my heart from my chest with each minute that passed. So much so, that I had been tempted to cause an international incident and require the plane to turn around. It physically hurt me to leave the country, even though I had only been there for a few short weeks and had only really come alive in the last two weeks that I had spent with Calvin.

Except I didn't even have his number, or his last name, or any way to get a hold of him.

At the time, when we had agreed that that was for the best, I thought that a clean break was exactly what I needed. After all, I was just infatuated with him. It wasn't anything real. Right? You couldn't fall in love after just two weeks.

Except that I totally had. I knew for sure that I loved him. I also knew for sure that I was royally screwed.

I looked down at the little test in my hand. A little blue plus sign stared back at me. That's how screwed I was.

Pregnant with Calvin's child, all on my own because my sister was still in Swena, and my parents were the worst. I would not be going to them for help.

I had not yet found a permanent job. I was still just working as a barista at the local coffee shop, same as I had in Swena.

And I had no way to get a hold of the alpha father of my child.

I was screwed. Totally fucking screwed.

I didn't wish to keep it a secret from him. I had a feeling that Calvin would love children, yet I had no way of telling him that I was expecting his.

I buried my face in my hands again and let out a muffled scream. I would not cry. I was not sad about being pregnant. I had always wanted kids. I just wanted them after I was married to an alpha. Or at the very least, able to contact the alpha who helped make the child.

My phone rang, and I thought to ignore it, except I knew that it was my sister who was calling. No one else ever called. She had been bothering me ever since I got home, peppering me with questions about how I was doing. It was like she knew that I was struggling. Of course, she didn't know about Calvin. I had kept him all to myself.

We were close, but I hadn't told her about the fling I began. She didn't need to know everything about my life. I would tell her now, though.

"Hello," I said.

There was a pause. "Okay, you have to tell me what is wrong. That is not your normal voice. That is your on-the-verge-of-tears voice."

I laughed, smiling despite the situation. "You're right. It definitely is."

"What's going on, Bren? Is it that you miss being here? Because you can come back."

I sighed. "It might be a while before I can afford something like that."

"What's going on, Bren? Lay it on me."

So I told her all about Calvin and about being pregnant with no way of getting a hold of him. I left out just how quick our little fling had turned intimate, and I most certainly wasn't sharing the specifics.

"And now I'm pregnant. With no way of telling him."

"Holy shit, Bren. That's a lot."

I wished she wasn't thousands of miles away. I really could use a hug at that moment. "I know." I flopped back down on my couch, wishing the cushions would swallow me up.

"Listen, you loved it here, right?"

"Yeah, I did."

"So let's find a way for you to come here."

"I can't." I had too much to do now. I needed health insurance to have this child, and I needed to work as much as possible to save up money to care for them. My apartment was nowhere near equipped to handle a child. I had so much to learn, so much to do, and only a few short months to do it in. I had been home for two months already, which meant I only had seven months left of this pregnancy.

"You can. I'll do the research. I'll send you the paperwork. All you have to do is apply for citizenship. They accept a lot of people. Then you and I can be here. They have a much better system for raising kids as a single parent here than you do at home. Plus, you'll have me and the friends you made here. That'd be so nice."

"That'll take months."

"It will, but let's try. In the meantime, I can send some money. I can help in whatever way you need. And if you can't apply and come here, then I'll come home."

"No," I said adamantly. "You're not giving up on your dreams just because I've made a detour in my life." I refused to call it a fuckup. I hadn't messed up; I just had a different future now than what I had thought just thirty minutes ago.

"We can do this, Bren. You're going to be a great dad."

"I know. Calvin would have been a great dad, too." Dammit, now the tears were starting to fall.

"If you give me his description, maybe I can find him, or maybe when you come back, you can find him?" She was grasping at straws, but I loved her for it.

"I don't know his full name, or what he does for a living, or even where he lives. I just know that he's amazing. He has no idea how to make pancakes. He forgets to put milk away after he makes cereal. And he has a really twisted sense of how much things cost."

She snorted. "Sounds like someone who was born with a silver spoon."

It was true. I had often thought that Calvin was rich and just didn't tell me. But he still had that down-to-earth feel about him. I couldn't focus on him too much. Or I'd really start crying.

"Thank you for listening," I said.

"Thank you for finally telling me what was going on. I was worried about you. You haven't been yourself since you got home. And I really missed you. It's not the same since you left."

"I know. I've missed you too. I'm worried that I can't do this." The words came out as a whisper as if I said them too loud that the universe might shout back at me that I couldn't do this. Not on my own. Not without Calvin.

"You can do this, Bren."

"Thanks, Steph." I didn't have a choice.