Chapter 6

Caleb

As the night wore on, Caleb tried to sleep. But try as he might, he couldn't put the events of the day out of his mind. Giving up on sleep, he sat up and scrubbed his hands across his face, remembering seeing Mia for the first time, how nervous he'd felt as he waited for her to arrive, and how his heart leaped within his chest when she stepped off the train onto the platform, looking beautiful in her long coat and beige hat tipped forward on her head. Her hair was pulled up, but little tendrils had fallen down around her neck. She had reminded him of spring, even though it was still winter. Seeing her for the first time, it was as if she had brought a much-needed breath of fresh air into his life.

He forced the memory of her creamy complexion and gorgeous green doe eyes from his mind, as well as how they looked at him with interest. He didn't want her to be interested, and he didn't want to be interested in her, either. The only thing he wanted was for their relationship to be strictly platonic.

But what he wanted seemed to be of no consequence to his body and how it reacted to her, sending electricity through him when he touched her, how his heart pounded when she came near.

Guilt reared its ugly head within his chest at the thought of having betrayed his wife, his lovely Jessica, by even entertaining the thought of marrying another woman, let alone going through with it. Deep down in his heart, he knew that Jessica would have wanted their children to have a mother, and for him to have someone to care for, and someone to care for him.

But knowing those things sure didn't make it any easier.

Alone, he knelt by his bed and prayed that God could forgive him, and that Jessica could forgive him for making this choice, even though he felt it was the only choice he could make.

But now that the choice was made, he was determined to make the best of it.

He leaned back onto the bed and pulled the pillow over his face in an effort to push the memories and guilt from his mind, but to no avail. After a while, he gave up trying to sleep and sat up in the bed. When he glanced over, his children were sleeping peacefully, huddled together like puppies, the room illuminated only by the moonlight streaming in through the window.

Caleb rose from the bed and looked outside at the snow, blue in the moonlight. Bits of fluffy puffs were still falling to the ground, but not as heavily as it had been earlier. Unable to sleep, he pulled on his trousers and his shirt and slipped on his boots. Maybe the cold would clear his mind and help him to sleep. After slipping into his coat, he looked over at his sleeping children once more.

They would be fine. He wasn't going far.

"Good evening, sir," the front desk clerk greeted him as he descended the stairs.

But Caleb paid no attention as he stormed past, pushing open the front door. The blinding cold hit him harder than he had thought it would, but he welcomed it. He needed to be slapped in the face for what he had done. Caleb shoved his hands in his pockets and walked purposefully to who knew where. But he had no choice. He needed someone to care for his children and the house while he worked to support his family.

He thought he could do it, have a platonic relationship with a woman… but then Mia stepped off the train. The moment he caught sight of her, he was done. And he hadn't expected it. Soon, he walked past a cemetery, another reminder of Jessica.

Unable to take any more, he pushed through the wrought iron gate. Even the bare trees hanging over the graves seemed to mock him, shaming him for what he had done. Finally, he fell onto the snow-covered ground under one of the wicked trees, cold wind blowing bits of snow over him.

Unable to take any more, he punched the ground, not even feeling the cold. "God, why? Why, Jessica?" he screamed at the top of his lungs as tears rolled down his cheeks. "Why did it have to be you, Jessica? God, why couldn't you have taken me instead? Damn it! You could have taken me and not her! Jessica!" he screamed as tears coursed down his cheeks, finally letting it out. He had done a good job of holding it together since he had lost her, but not now. Not ever again.

"Jessica! I need you!" he screamed as he beat his bloody fist on the ground. "Jessica, I love you! Come back to me! Don't leave me alone! Come back!" he yelled as tears rolled down his cheeks. "Come back…."

Finally, he sat down and sobbed into his arms. He cried for Jessica… and now for Mia. Mia was an innocent bystander to the catastrophe that had become his life. Although she was now legally his, he couldn't bring himself to think of her as his wife—physically and emotionally—and he didn't know if he ever would. But then again, he knew he couldn't go on like this.

Now that he was married, he had to find a way to let Jessica go. But how? How could he let go of his life? The woman who had made everything so perfect, who had made their house a home. And now he was going to bring another woman into it. How could he have done something so foolish?

Maybe he should just let Mia go before it went any farther. They could get an annulment. He could give her enough money to stay in Laramie or perhaps go back to New York.

But as he sat alone in the cemetery, he knew he'd never find anyone else like her. Never. But how could it ever work out between them… if he couldn't give her his heart?

Exhausted, he made his way back to the hotel.

"Sir! Your hand! Are you hurt? Where you attacked?" the front desk clerk asked, eying Caleb's hand.

But he said nothing in response as he made his way up the stairs, taking two at a time. He reached for the doorknob of his room, and then paused, looking over at Mia's room instead. Then he let out a deep breath and walked inside his room.

Thank goodness, the children were still asleep, huddled together, just where he had left them.

He let out a deep breath as he crossed the room. He stood watching his children sleep for a long while, and then pulled the blanket up over them and tucked them in. It was cold and getting colder by the second. It was then that he noticed the dried blood covering his knuckles.

Careful not to wake the children, he crossed the room to the basin and the pitcher filled with water in the corner of the room and washed his hand.

The water stung. It was the first time that he had felt the pain. He never felt it while he was punching the ground. But now that he recalled, he hadn't felt pain in a while, just the dull throbbing ache that had filled his chest since he had lost his Jessica.

Caleb dried his hand and hung up the towel. His hand was no longer bleeding, so he decided to try to salvage what was left of the night and get some sleep. He laid down beside the children, exhausted.

Caleb was walking down the streets of Laramie when a mist appeared on the ground around him. He looked over and Jessica was standing by the same tree in the cemetery where he had just been. She walked over and sat down on a nearby bench. "Come, Caleb. Sit with me."

"Jessica, I'm so sorry…."

She looked up at him and smiled. "Please, sit with me."

He nodded as he sat on the bench beside her. "Jessica—"

"Shh," she whispered. "Don't worry. You did what you had to do."

Tears stung his eyes. "Jessica, I'm sorry—"

"Don't be." She smiled. "All I want is for you and the children to be happy."

"Jessica, I wish it would have been me and not you."

"Don't ever say that." She sighed as she looked into his eyes. "Caleb, I'm happy… and I want you to be happy, too."

Caleb nodded. "Jessica, I miss you."

A slight smile lit her lips as she gazed into his eyes. "Why? I'm always with you."

Then she rose from the bench and started walking into the mist.

"Jessica, don't leave…."

She turned and smiled, radiant in the moonlight. "I never left."

"Pa?" Shane asked, shaking his father's shoulder. "Are you awake?"

Caleb opened his eyes and the blinding sunlight stung. Even though he hadn't gotten much sleep, he felt rested… more rested than he had in a while, sensing that Jessica was at peace.