Chapter Nineteen

"I got it!" Anna called, focusing on the ball lofting above her. Her cricket club teammate, Miss Jennifer Hallett—now Lady Bramble—had been at bat and popped the ball up. It was an uncharacteristically shallow hit for Jennifer, who usually put the ball on the ground, giving her a chance for a few runs.

Anna positioned herself under the ball, catching it in her hands for an easy dismissal. It wasn't a hard hit, but the leather ball still stung her skin as she captured it.

"Nice job," Miss Myfanwy Wright yelled from the center of the field where she'd bowled the ball. She wiped wisps of her brown hair off her face. "Come in. Let's take a break."

Anna sighed. Her throat was parched, and despite the lack of decent sunlight, her back was drenched in sweat; however, she didn't want to stop. The moment she found the women on the lawn, she'd been overjoyed with the prospect of playing again. It had been months since their match against the Matrons. That win had marked the end of their season, just as it had in years past. However, Anna hadn't been ready for it all to be over. Waiting through another interminable winter seemed like torture. With everything that had been going on—with her father and Mrs. Wright, with Phillip, with Jacob—she'd needed this. She'd needed her friends. She'd needed to move her body and get lost in a game, if only for a little while.

Jacob was the only one who'd noticed that. He'd understood it even more than her.

The four ladies gathered around a table and chairs that the servants had set out. Scones, jams, and fruits were placed on trays along with a fresh pot of tea. Anna smiled from ear to ear as she claimed her seat. Cricket and tea… heaven .

"Now," Myfanwy began after she'd poured tea for all the ladies, "are you ready to tell us what is going on?"

Anna flushed, feeling the heat of the tea—and the scrutiny of the other women—on her face. "I… I…" She hadn't the faintest idea how to start. Myfanwy and Heather stared at her expectantly. Anna had played with them for the past three years; there was a familiarity between them that broke through propriety. Only Ruthie Waitrose remained transfixed on her scone. Anna didn't know the young lady as well as the others. This had been her first year with the club, and she wasn't one for easy conversation. Anna had done her best to pull Ruthie from her shell, but it had been difficult. The woman was shy to a fault and preferred to get lost in the team rather than stand out. She was tall for a woman, gangly and rail thin, and always wore absurdly wide bonnets that dwarfed her frame and served to hide the patch of freckles splashed across her nose.

Not for the first time, Anna wondered how the trio had come to her today. Had Jacob written all three, or had he just contacted Myfanwy, asking her to round up the players that she could?

"Well?" Myfanwy prodded, dragging Anna back to the question at hand.

"I haven't been feeling at my best," she answered blandly. It wasn't a lie. It just wasn't the whole truth, either.

Nevertheless, it seemed to be enough for Myfanwy. She took a sip of her tea and nodded. "That's what my dear cousin told me," she said, one side of her mouth tipped up in a sardonic smile.

The others laughed. It was always odd remembering that Myfanwy and Jacob were related.

Jennifer contained herself before the others and cocked her head at Anna. It was difficult to meet the woman's gaze. Anna had always thought Jennifer uncommonly beautiful with her clear blue eyes and wheat-colored hair, and she wasn't alone. The daughter of a soap merchant, Jennifer had made a brilliant match months ago and was now married to a baron. The story of the wedding day was still a little confusing—Anna didn't know all the sordid details—but both families had covered it up well enough so as to not invite too much speculation.

"But how are you really ?" Jennifer asked in her soft, amiable way. "When Lord Newton wrote to Myfanwy, it all sounded rather urgent."

Heat rose on Anna's neck. She hated being talked about like this, like she was some wounded child or jilted wallflower. "I'm fine, truly. He shouldn't have alarmed you."

"Well… men are emotional," Myfanwy stated firmly. "It cannot be helped. He was worried."

"There's nothing to worry about," Anna replied stiffly.

Myfanwy's eyes narrowed.

"It's all right if she doesn't want to talk about it," Ruthie said, beating Myfanwy to the punch.

Anna gave the young lady an appreciative smile. "Thank you."

Myfanwy tossed her hands up. "Well, we can't help you if you don't tell us."

Anna laughed. Myfanwy was a true captain, upset when she couldn't fix a problem as soon as possible. "You are helping me just by being here and playing with me. I've…" Her throat closed up. "I've missed this… so much. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through the winter without it."

The ladies nodded empathetically. Clearly, Anna wasn't alone in that sentiment.

"It will go quickly," Jennifer said, always the optimist. "We learned your brother is recently home from India. That's very exciting! And your father is thinking about remarrying." She sat straighter in her seat, her words gaining momentum. "And you have your younger sister. I'm sure she is a great comfort to you. Does she have an interest in cricket?"

"No," Anna replied. "She's actually very good, but she has no great love for the game. Besides, her thoughts are elsewhere of late."

Jennifer smiled kindly. "Boys?"

"Baking," Anna returned.

"Ugh," Myfanwy groaned. "I'm not sure which is worse."

"Ladies, really," Anna said, fiddling with the napkin in her lap, "I was just going through a rough patch. Things will come around. They always do. I thank you for your concern, but it's unnecessary. I will find a way to keep busy. Perhaps I will throw myself into charity work."

She hadn't thought about charity before, but now that she'd mentioned it, it made perfect sense. Yes. Charity work. It was just the thing to keep her from sleeping her days away or lamenting misfortunes. One must always look outward. The light inside her flickered at the idea, though it still felt abnormally weak.

Myfanwy took a hurried sip of tea, returning her cup to its saucer with a clank . "Oh, that reminds me. I forgot to tell you. Mr. Harry Holmes has donated money to the club."

Jennifer frowned at her best friend. "Donated? Why?"

"Because he's a despicable man who needs to atone for his sins," Myfanwy answered, adding with a shrug, "And I made him."

"Mr. Holmes… the gambler?" Ruthie said quietly.

Myfanwy nodded. "The very one. He says his gambling days are over, but I tend not to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Once a degenerate, always a degenerate."

"Then why take his money?" Anna asked.

Myfanwy rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious. "Because money is money, and the club needs it. If the man wants to try to buy his way into heaven, then I won't stop him. I just don't have to like him either."

"Is he that rich?" Ruthie asked. She nibbled on her scone, contemplating. "Does he truly have enough money to believe he can buy his way into heaven?"

"Good Lord, yes," Myfanwy replied. "The man is filthy rich. Some men are just made that way. They have a head for it. They can accumulate money like that," she said, snapping her fingers. "I've been thinking of ways the club could spend it, but I haven't come up with any ideas. Uniforms would be nice? Maybe planting hedges around the playing field? We don't need equipment. We're all set in that department."

The others murmured in collective thought. Thanks to Samuel Everett's sporting goods company, the club was never lacking in bats, balls, and wickets. But Myfanwy's comment sparked Anna's memory.

"What if we host a clinic?" she asked, the idea forming quickly. She had to speak fast to keep up with it. "We could send out an open invitation to all the young girls in the city. They could come for an afternoon and learn how to play cricket. We could use some of the money to provide them with new balls and bats."

Ruthie clapped her hands together, but Jennifer was slower in her approval. "Do you believe there are that many girls who want to learn how to play? You see the people who come to watch our games. It's mostly men, mostly voyeurs. Little girls don't grow up thinking about cricket."

"I did," Myfanwy said.

Jennifer grinned. "Yes, but I think we can all agree that you are different."

"I like different," Anna said.

"Me too," Ruthie agreed.

Anna's confidence picked up steam. She perched on the edge of her seat. "Most girls don't grow up playing cricket because they don't have anything or anyone to play with. They play with dolls because that's all they're given. What would happen if we gave them their own bat and ball? How might that change their belief in themselves? I gravitated to cricket because I was tired of feeling weak and lonely, and it provided a new way to express myself. I can only imagine how my life would have been different—how I might have been different—if I'd played sooner."

Ruthie regarded her curiously. "Do you want to be different?"

"Not now," Anna said. "But years ago… maybe. I think many of us are afraid to be different when we are younger. Women are held to such exacting standards, don't you think? I didn't have the confidence."

"And you think cricket can help little girls gain that confidence?" Ruthie asked.

Anna pulled back her shoulders. "I do. I really do."

"I think it's a brilliant idea," Myfanwy announced. Jennifer nodded with an excited grin. "Pick a date and write a letter to the others letting them know what they can do. I'll tell Mr. Holmes and Samuel to get in touch with you as well so you can tell them what you will need."

Anna's stomach flipped. "No, wait. You don't mean for me to spearhead this event, do you?"

"Whyever not?" Jennifer chuckled. "It's your idea."

"Yes, but…" Anna fought for a compelling argument. "I'm not the captain. I don't have experience—"

Myfanwy cut her off. "Then it's time for you to gain the experience." Her expression softened. "You're one of the players that has been with the club since the beginning, Anna. It's time for you to take on more responsibility."

"But you're the captain, and Jennifer—"

"I might be sitting the next season out," Jennifer interrupted swiftly. She didn't seem at all upset about the statement. On the contrary, her pale skin sparkled as if diamonds were under the surface. Furtively, she placed her hand over her abdomen before taking another drink of tea.

Oh . Now Anna understood.

Myfanwy wasn't half so discreet. "I'm expecting as well," she blurted merrily. A little too merrily, Anna considered, since the woman had only become engaged to Samuel last month. However, they were all friends, and Anna was proud that Myfanwy had shared the news. Her captain knew that her club would never gossip or judge her.

Myfanwy leaned back in her seat with a sigh, almost like she was relieved the information was out. "Samuel is beside himself with the news, but as I said before… men are emotional. He would only let me come today if I promised him that I wouldn't break a sweat. I kept my promise, but running a clinic might be too much."

Anna grinned. Myfanwy was intense about cricket during the best of times. Surrounded by a crowd of young girls, the captain might be too tempted to demonstrate every swing and delivery, giving every inch of herself in the pursuit of ushering in the love of the game to a new generation of female players.

Myfanwy zeroed in on Anna. "So that leaves you. Don't let the team down."

*

The day ended too quickly. After tea, Anna gave her friends a tour of the grounds so they could experience the pagoda that she'd told them about. Prudently, she'd left the hermit's cottage out of the conversation, and they hadn't noticed it as they ambled by.

With the sun sinking below the horizon, she said goodbye to them, standing to the side of the carriage as the women took turns hugging her.

Jennifer squeezed her arms tightly, hesitant to let her go. Anna recognized an unrelenting concern in the woman's features and wondered what else Jacob had written in his letter. "I can't wait for the clinic," Jennifer said. "I know you will do an amazing job."

"I will do my best," Anna replied meekly. Her confidence had waned since she first announced her idea, and the planning that had to be done was making her regret opening her mouth. It would be a challenge, and only two days ago she hadn't the strength to get out of bed. But she would be ready for it. She had to be. The thought of letting her friends down was unthinkable.

Myfanwy inspected Anna as if she were debating which position to start her in a match. Anna raised her chin to the examination.

"You'll be fine," Myfanwy said. It sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as Anna.

Anna put on a brave face. "It's just a bunch of girls. It won't be that bad."

Myfanwy didn't laugh at the attempt at a joke. "I wasn't talking about the clinic." She nodded toward the house. "I was talking about whatever is going on in there."

"Oh…" Anna's head fell. "It's nothing."

"It's not nothing," Myfanwy said. "How could it be when every time I look up at the window, I see him staring down at us?"

Anna's lips quirked. She twisted her neck to the house, and sure enough, she caught Jacob watching them from his office window. He jumped out of sight the instant he realized they'd spotted him.

"He's been doing that all day." Myfanwy chuckled.

"I know."

"Checking on you."

"Yes," Anna said. She didn't know what else to say about it. She couldn't explain his behavior, nor the silly way it made her feel. Like she was warm all over, huddled in his arms in bed. Safe. Cared for. It made her want to throw all caution aside, run to Jacob, and jump into his embrace, kiss him until he forgot his name.

But that notion was absurd—even more absurd than the idea that he was hers to do with as she wanted. If they had no future together, then what would be the point? Why start something that she couldn't finish?

"You know," Myfanwy began gently, "I never planned on getting married. I was adamantly against it."

Anna's attention snapped back to her captain. "You were?"

Myfanwy nodded. "I saw no point. I was fortunate enough to have an income I could live on. I had my club. I didn't think I needed anyone."

This didn't make any sense to Anna. When she saw Myfanwy and Samuel together, it was as if the stars had aligned. There couldn't be one without the other, they complemented each other so well.

"Then how did you… Why…?" Anna wasn't sure what she was asking, but she knew it was too personal.

Luckily, Myfanwy didn't see it that way. "I wanted a lover," she said matter-of-factly. Anna was certain that if she'd been drinking her tea at that moment, she would have spit it out. Myfanwy could be blunt at times, but this was blunt . "I thought I had a right to experience everything in life regardless of my marital status. And I wanted Samuel."

It was ridiculous for a woman as experienced as Anna to be blushing, but her cheeks felt like they were on fire. "So that's when your mind changed? After you…"

Good Lord, she couldn't even say the words.

"After we became lovers ?" Myfanwy snorted. "Heavens no. I'm marrying the man because I love him. And he's made it very inconvenient to live without him. Love changes things. It makes them better in all ways."

Anna scowled. "That's not my experience," she muttered. "I've been in love, and I'm positive that it ruined my life." She hadn't meant to say all that. What good was dredging up her history with Phillip? The past could never be changed.

Myfanwy placed her hand on Anna's shoulder. "Did you ever stop to think that that wasn't true love?" she asked gently. When Anna didn't answer, Myfanwy continued, "Love is something that two people experience together. You give as much as you take. It's like cricket, really. One can't play it alone."

"Perhaps," Anna mumbled.

"You're too young to give up. I don't know what happened to you before, and I'm not going to demand you tell me. But you have your whole life in front of you. Don't give some bastard from your past the satisfaction of ruining your future."

"I'm not giving up," Anna returned.

"You're not living, either."

"You don't understand—"

"Then help me understand."

Anna spun around, tears coming hot and fresh to her eyes. She didn't want Myfanwy to see her that way. The captain never cried.

"Tell me, Anna," Myfanwy said. "Tell me why you can't move on. I've only been here a few hours and I can see how much Jacob loves you. What is stopping you from going to him?"

Loves me?

Anna's voice came out strangled. "Jacob doesn't even know me. If he did, he'd…"

"What?" Myfanwy asked. "He might love you more?"

"He doesn't love me."

"You're not giving him a chance to."

"It's for his own good." Anna turned back to face Myfanwy. She and Jennifer would never comprehend it. They had their happily ever after. They had their husbands and fiancés and soon-to-be-families. They couldn't possibly realize how lucky they were. They had done everything right and been rewarded. They had waited for the right man, and now everything was perfect.

Anna had been impulsive, impetuous. She'd fallen for the first smooth-talking devil she came across and would never be able to live it down. Her father had forgiven her, but Anna knew now that she would never be able to forgive herself.

Myfanwy waited for her to speak. Anna didn't have any fight left in her, so she said the truth. It was the only way to make her captain see her for who she really was. "I am not an innocent."

Myfanwy glanced at her belly with a little smile. "Neither am I."

It would have been funny if it wasn't so sad. "Yes, but I cannot have children… anymore ."

The last word came out in a rush of air, barely above a whisper. It was wrapped in grief, gifted in heartache.

Anymore . It landed like stone between them. Anymore .

Anna stared at the ground. "I can't give a husband a child."

Myfanwy came forward quietly. Without saying a word, she wrapped Anna in her arms, holding her tight. Like liquid into a cup, Anna poured herself into her friend. "I have nothing to give," she said into the crook of Myfanwy's neck.

"Shh," Myfanwy said. "You have so much to give." She pulled away so she could look in Anna's eyes. "Especially since all Jacob seems to want is you."

"But I'm not enough."

Myfanwy's lips hardened into a line. "The only person who believes that is you."