Chapter 18

ELODIE

I tried not to let panic sink in when Mac wouldn't take any of my calls. I kept seeing that stupid video of him getting punched in the face. But what the video didn't show was what the hell happened in the end. Had it ended with that one punch? Or did more happen, leaving Mac seriously injured or worse?

What if he'd gotten a concussion? What if he was lying in a ditch somewhere? I called him for what felt like the thousandth time, but there was no answer.

I texted him a third time as well. My only bit of relief was that he had his read receipts on. The last text was soon marked as read.

But that was it. No return calls, no replies to texts. I only prayed that it was Mac himself who'd read those texts and not someone else. The thought of the latter made me shudder. What if he was dead? Panic and paranoia began to consume me. Because if he'd read those messages, he'd decided not to text me. That was troubling.

I knew Mac had gone to visit Caroline. Why else would he be in Idaho? I knew, yet I didn't feel any better. I felt like I was going to be sick.

It was nearing two in the morning now, and I couldn't sleep. All I could see was that man punching Mac, and Mac nearly falling to the ground.

I'd also been surprised that Mac hadn't punched the guy back. Though when TMZ had reported the name of Mac's assailant was none other than Caroline's husband, everything made a little more sense, even if it didn't take away the worry about what became of Mac after the punch.

I sat down on my couch, sighing heavily. The Caroline thing bugged me. Did Mac realize how strange it was that a pastor's wife would make him her BDSM pet?Did he not realize the level of manipulation that took on her part?

Something else niggled in the back of my brain. Mac had never told me when he'd started sleeping with Caroline, but I'd always assumed he'd been at least eighteen.

But what if he'd been younger? That would totally change things. My gut twisted at the thought. It was one thing if Mac had been an adult . . . another if Caroline had abused a child who should've been able to trust her.

I must've fallen back asleep because the next thing I knew, Mac was standing over me. I was so startled that I nearly had a heart attack.

"It's me," he said. One hand covered my mouth, stopping me from screaming. "I'm sorry. I needed to see you."

I'd given Mac a key to my place a few days before, but I'd never imagined he'd use it. Not yet, at least.

I sat up, my heart pounding so hard that I had to take a few deep breaths. "Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me."

He winced, then sat down, his expression grim. He looked exhausted, and his face was black and blue. When I touched his cheek, he winced again.

"Let me get you some ice," I said, hurrying to the kitchen before he could stop me.

I handed him an ice pack wrapped in a towel. When he didn't use it, I pressed the ice to his face myself.

"Ow, Jesus, Elodie. Not so hard," he complained.

"Then you hold it."

He did, his gaze amused now. "I never knew you could be so bossy."

"I can when you get into stupid fistfights outside of a hospital. And why didn't you return my calls? I was worried about you. You should probably go back to a hospital. What if you have a concussion—"

He took my hand and shushed me. "I'm fine. It's just a bruise. My nose isn't broken. And believe me, I know what that feels like."

We sat in silence for a while longer. Mac finally lowered the ice pack and handed it back to me.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly.

He leaned against the couch. "No," was his honest answer.

"You went to see Caroline."

He nodded.

"And her husband punched you."

He nodded again.

"Mac . . ."

He held up a hand. "If you're just going to lecture me, then I'll go home."

I bit my lip. I didn't want to lecture him. I wanted him to be honest. I also wanted to know the truth about his relationship with Caroline. But would he ever admit that what she'd done to him was messed up?

"How was she?" I asked finally, deciding that was probably the most appropriate question to start with, given the circumstances.

"Dying. She's fucking dying. She looked like a skeleton. And then she . . ." Mac hesitated. "Never mind."

Never mind? He clearly didn't understand how invested I was in this situation.

"Tell me," I insisted.

He sat up, folding his hands together. "She told me she still loved me. That she'd always loved me."

His words were like a punch to the gut. At that moment, I hated Caroline Bradford. Why did she have to keep haunting Mac like this? Why couldn't she leave the poor man in peace?

"I told her that I loved her, but it was a lie." Mac groaned. "Is that terrible? Do you think I did the right thing?"

I could tell he was deeply conflicted. It took all my self-control not to burst into tears. Because Mac had told another woman he'd loved her—he'd never said those words to me.

Do you want him to say those words to you? I didn't know the answer. More likely, I didn't want to admit the true answer to myself.

"Mac," I said slowly, "how old were you when you and Caroline first . . ."

"What? Had sex?" Mac let out a gruff laugh. "I was old enough."

"You were eighteen?"

He shrugged a shoulder. "Almost. I was seventeen. Well, no, it started when I was sixteen, almost seventeen. But what difference is there, really?"

I gaped at him. "Are you serious right now?"

Now, he looked annoyed. "I didn't come here to be judged."

"I'm not judging you! I'm horrified for you. Mac, you were a kid. You weren't old enough to consent to sex!"

"I was old enough. I knew what I was doing. If I hadn't wanted to sleep with Caroline, I wouldn't have.Simple as that. What, do you think she took me to her lair and raped me?" He scoffed.

His voice rose with every word. I could tell by the tension in his body that he was angry with me. He got up and started pacing.

"Mac, it's not your fault," I said, trying to sound soothing. Calm. Controlled. "Don't blame yourself—"

"I'm not because there's no blame here. We had an affair. Caroline knew what I needed to experience. She gave me a purpose in life that no one else ever had. She showed me I didn't have to live inside the box my parents and everyone else wanted me to live in."

"Maybe that's true, but—"

"It is true!" He was yelling now. "What the fuck, Elodie? Are you seriously trying to tell me what I experienced didn't happen?"

Guilt assailed me. Was I wrong? But Mac had been sixteen. Underage. Besides, even if he'd been a legal adult, Caroline had still been in a position of power. She'd used that to groom him.

I could see that, clear as day. Why couldn't Mac? I guess that's what happens when someone is brainwashed.

But Mac was so distraught and angry that I knew I was getting nowhere. I went to him and put my arms around him. He was as stiff as a board, like he couldn't even tolerate my touch.

"I'm sorry. Okay? I'm just worried about you. That's all. I'm just trying to understand," I whispered.

It felt like an eternity, but Mac finally hugged me back. He put his chin on the crown of my head.

"I don't need you to judge me," he kept saying. "Not you."

"I'm not. I don't. There's nothing wrong with you."

"My entire life, I was never what anyone wanted me to be. I wasn't the good preacher's son. I wasn't the guy who wanted a vanilla marriage right out of high school. I'm not going to apologize for being different."

"And you shouldn't." I made him look at me. "You're incredible the way you are. I wouldn't have signed that contract if I didn't believe that."

His gaze roved my face. Then he pulled me into a hug so tight that I could barely breathe.

"Fuck, Elodie. Jesus fucking Christ." He breathed the words like a prayer into my hair.

We stayed like that for a long while until Mac finally said he needed to go home. He had practice later that day, and he'd barely slept. Although I tried to persuade him to stay, he wouldn't be deterred.

He kissed me, long and lingeringly, before he left. Only as I watched him drive away did I realize the sun was starting to rise. I yawned, suddenly exhausted, and returned inside to sleep.

But as I climbed into bed, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about Mac, or Caroline, or how fucked up the entire thing between them was.

Mac might not think it'd been wrong, but it was. Caroline had abused him. She'd used him for her own fucked-up desires and then had made him believe it'd been his idea.

But how could I convince Mac? I doubted he'd ever see himself as a victim. Besides, he still cared deeply for Caroline, even if he was no longer in love with her. No matter how tangled and devastating, that kind of bond was difficult to break.

Tears sprang to my eyes, and I let them fall. I realized at that moment that I loved Mac.

When had that happened? I didn't know. But I'd probably fallen for him the first time I'd seen him at the club. And as our relationship had changed and deepened, my feelings had deepened for him.

So I was in love with Cole Mackenzie. Even though we'd both promised each other that our relationship would be just sex. Oh, I was an idiot!

I started crying harder. I cried until my head pounded and my eyes ached. I cried because Mac was hurting, and I was afraid I'd made things worse. I cried because I loved him, but I could never tell him that.

I cried because I knew I'd get my heart broken, but I was too far gone to end things.

I buried my face in my pillow, punching my mattress for good measure. God, I'd really gone and fucked things up, hadn't I?

I waited until it was a reasonable hour to call Hannah. When she answered, she sounded groggy.

"Why are you calling me?" She yawned loudly. "Christ, what time is it?"

"I thought you'd be awake for your job."

"I have the day off. Emma and Ryan are taking the kids to Disneyland."

"I'm sorry for waking you up. I can call back later—" My voice broke.

"Wait, wait. Are you okay? What happened?"

I started crying again. I told Hannah everything about Mac and Caroline, and she listened without making any of her usual pithy comments.

By the time I'd finished, Hannah had fallen silent.

"Are you still there?" I asked.

"I'm still here. Sorry. I just don't know what to say."

That was a first. Hannah always knew what to say. "Am I fucked?"

"Well, maybe. Or maybe not. It's not like you've published any stories about Mac. Do you think he'd really freak out if he knew what your job was? Maybe just don't mention that you were trying to find dirt on him."

"I doubt he'd trust me if he found out I work for a tabloid."

"I mean, everybody in LA seems to work for Hollywood. Everybody knows somebody. But you know him better than I do."

"I mean, I did sign an NDA."

Hannah let out a surprised laugh. "Of course you did. Did you happen to mention that to your boss?"

"No. Of course not."

I could feel Hannah shaking her head through the phone. "Man, and here I thought you always played by the rules, Miss Elodie Andrews. You've gotten yourself into quite a pickle."

"So? What should I do?"

"Well, you can either never tell Mac what your job is, or you can tell him. Those are pretty much your two choices. I guess you could always quit your job, too."

I sighed loudly. "I can't. I have bills to pay. There's no guarantee I'd find another one quickly either."

"True. So it sounds like you're just not going to tell him about that part of your life." Hannah's tone turned sly. "I mean, isn't your arrangement just sex, anyway? Does he need to know everything about you?"

"Yes. I mean, I guess. Things have gotten more complicated."

Hannah made a noise. "Aw, shit, did you catch feelings for him?"

Now, I was annoyed. "It's not a joke."

"No, but be careful. That's all I'm going to say. You had an arrangement—don't think it's going to change. Mac might not want anything more than sex. I just don't want to see you get your heart broken."

I knew she was right, even as I resented her words. Mac had never alluded to us making our relationship official. I'd be wise to guard my heart in the meantime. The thought of us never being anything more than sex partners really hurt. I wanted him to fall in love with me. I wanted to heal the hurt from his past and grow along with him. But what I wanted didn't matter. Mac had so much going on in his mind right now that I doubted there was truly room to be falling in love with me on top of working through his regrets about the past.

I just hoped that someday I wouldn't become his biggest regret.