Chapter 40

"This is why I don't listen to the radio," I mumble to myself as I'm pulling into my parking spot after hearing the same ten songs on repeat all over different stations.

I had a quick Christmas dinner with my family today that I actually enjoyed. After dinner, my mom seemed genuinely interested in the fact that Chase and I were a couple. She asked me about his life and football, she asked about CeCe and my role with her. Ultimately, my role is to love her. I can do that as Chase's girlfriend or even just as his friend. No matter what happens down the road between us, she'll always know that. But I left my parents tonight feeling fulfilled, for the first time in a while, actually. It made me feel excited to eventually come back.

I rub my eyes as I'm walking down the hall to my apartment. It's barely nine o'clock, but I'm completely spent. I ate so much food and then, of course, couldn't leave without taking some leftovers home with me. Holiday leftovers are just different, sometimes they're even better the next day.

When I walk into my apartment, I immediately laugh at my delusion. It smells like Chase and makes my head shake in annoyance at how quickly my mind wants to believe he's here. I inhale deeply through my nose, laughing to myself again at how insane I probably look right now thinking I smell my boyfriend's scent.

My overnight bag lands on my counter and I do a double take seeing a fresh bouquet of flowers with a note and a small bracelet next to it.

Bright red, pink, and purple flowers stick out of the vase and I walk closer, reaching for the letter. My chest instantly constricts.

Kincaid,

CeCe thought you'd like these flowers best. We miss you. I miss you. Let me know when you're home safe so we can talk.

C

My eyes feel watery as I stare down at the note in his horrible handwriting. Next to the vase is a bracelet that CeCe must've made with the kit I bought her for Christmas. It has pink and yellow beads on it and then three letters together on the string. CSC. The tears that were pooling from his note bubble over onto the counter as I hold the bracelet in my hand and then slip it over my wrist.

I quickly tear through my purse to find my cell phone and head into my bedroom so I can text him. But something else in the living room catches my eye. A drawing of three stick people sits on the coffee table. Two girls with yellow hair and a man with brown hair. That's really all I can make out with everything else around it looking like giant blobs or just colored circles, but it's my favorite drawing ever. I bring the piece of paper to my chest and notice two more as I'm walking to my bedroom. Both are pictures of unicorns that she colored. My hands feel like they're shaking, but my breath nearly stops when I open my bedroom door and notice my nightstand.

Just in case you get home late and you're tired.

The note is on top of my scrubs for tomorrow with some snacks sitting right beside it. I don't waste another second before sending him a quick text.

Chase

Chase

Are you home yet?

I can't believe you did all of this.

Chase

I'm on my way.

My hands cover my face as I stand there for a moment feeling so overwhelmed. I grab the water bottle from the nightstand to bring it to the refrigerator and when I open the door and see the groceries perfectly lined up I can't help but laugh and then nearly cry again. I check my pantry and notice the labels are all forward facing on everything, too.

My head hangs in sheer disbelief that there's someone who would take the time and effort to do something like this for me.

Chase didn't have to do any of this. Hell, he probably shouldn't have, considering I'm sure he's still not supposed to be putting too much weight on his knee.

I can't help but reminisce on how I got here. How I somehow went from being this girl who could never get it right. I was somehow always too much but also not enough for people. I wasn't the girl that guys went the extra mile for. Not really, anyway. Most of the men I've dated in my adult life have gone on to find their wife after they broke up with me. Like I was a stepping stone. The fun before the commitment. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever get a chance to show Chase that we could be more than friends. We got closer as we became adults. Life kept us in each other's circle and circumstances kept him as a constant person in my life. But it was always like the confidence I had with men didn't translate with Chase. Over the course of the last month I feel like that's changed. He'd never seen me before. He never looked my way when I walked into a room or stared just as long, if not longer, than me.

I know he doesn't want half ass people in CeCe's life. He doesn't want to have to question people's loyalty or motives or whether or not they'll let her down. I know for as long as he can he'll want to protect her from all the bad stuff that life can bring. I know that trust and reliance are things that Chase struggles with still. But there isn't a person in this world who can love either of them better than me. I'm sure of it.

There's a soft knock at my door, stirring me out of my thoughts and I nearly trip over my own two feet to open it.

When I pull the door open, Chase is standing there in a dark green t-shirt with a backward baseball hat perfectly placed on his head. His soft brown eyes are glued to me the second he sees me and his lips curve into the sweetest smile.

"Hi." His chest exhales as he stands in the hallway.

I suck in a jagged breath. "Hi."

We both stand there for a moment, stuck in a pause.

"Can I come in?" His jaw twitches as I nod my head and he pulls me gently toward his body. His arms wrap around me tightly as he steps into my apartment and I kick the door closed with my foot.

He doesn't say anything as he hugs me, and usually that would prompt me to fill the silence. Say something to encourage a conversation. But all I need right now is to be in his arms. I squeeze him tightly, pulling his chest closer to mine until I hear the rumble of his chest and he pulls away slightly.

"God, I fucking missed that."

My head tilts slightly before resting back on his chest as we still stand barely ten feet in my apartment. "Missed what?"

"Hugging you. Being hugged by you. It's…" He stops himself, shaking his head, but I urge him to go on with a wide eye.

"What?" A childlike giggle leaving my chest.

"You hugged me before I left for college like you thought you'd never see me again." He hums, pulling a piece of my hair between his fingers. "You do that. You hug people like it's the last time you'll get to hold them. Every tense feeling I have disappears when you hug me, Summer. Any stress or frustration, annoyance even. It's like you fucking squeeze every bit of it out of me." He laughs, slowly walking with his arm around me to the couch.

"Oh, the Chase hug." I pull a pillow onto my lap as we both take a seat.

"What?"

"That's how I hug you ."

His forehead creases as he stretches an arm over the back of the couch.

"You're going to think it's silly…but—" I sigh, taking a deep breath. "You've always been so out of reach. You were always around, but never quite close enough. We saw each other almost daily. And we talked often, but it was never… I don't know, Chase. It was never enough for me. I always wanted more. A five second hug is all I could get and I took every second of it."

"God, I'm sorry." His eyes meet mine, shining like gold as he holds contact.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. Honestly. I was a kid; you didn't look at me as anything other than that. I can't fault you for that."

"Then at least let me apologize for the other day. I was a dick and didn't need to be. I was pissed about fucking up my knee. I tried to tell myself that if I would have done more recovery on it and better workouts instead of spending time with you that it wouldn't have happened. But that isn't true. You were trying to help and I—"

"I forgive you," I cut him off. I can see in his body language, in his eyes, how much this is bothering him. Even when I've made it clear that I'm not upset about it. "You know, we're not so different, Chase." I motion my fingers between us.

"Kincaid, we're the definition of opposites." He stretches his leg and lightly rubs his knee.

"On paper, sure. You're boring and I'm a delight," I joke, earning a laugh. "You think you're a burden if you ask for help. You think that as long as the people around you are happy and fulfilled, that you don't need to be. You show up looking like an absolute beast on the field, dripping in confidence, but when you're one on one you show tenderness and vulnerability. I know Kristen made you feel like her leaving was your fault. I know you feel responsible in a way that CeCe is growing up without her. You're lonely, but you don't want anyone to know. You think you've become too hardened for someone to love you. You don't want to let people in—and not just romantically, but in general—because people leave. And people die. And that part of life really sucks." My eyes well up as I try to get the last bit out. "I'm a lot like you, Chase. I've known it for years. But you just started getting to know me."

"Not noticing you sooner is one of my biggest regrets. I promise you that."

I wipe a lone tear that trickles down my cheek at the same time his hand reaches for my face, cupping my cheek in his warm hand.

"And I annoy you, I challenge you… I know that. I'm all over the place."

"Then annoy me." He moves closer. "Challenge me. Take me with you wherever you go, Kincaid. Because this—" He moves his hand down my cheek, toward my neck and onto my chest, stopping over my heart. "This is right. This is where I want to be."

His lips press against mine in a soft, slow motion and warmth spreads through my body as I take his face in my hands.

"You love my daughter," he says when he pulls away. "You've loved her since the moment she was born. All I've ever wanted is for her to be around people who love her. People who protect her. That she can rely on. People… women she can admire. For a long time, I thought what I was giving her was enough. But she always needed more. She needed you, Summer. And I need you. We both need you," he says, grazing his fingers over the bracelet on my wrist. "I love you, Summer Rose." His hand tucks a piece of hair behind my ear and he touches the tattoo on my skin there. "We both love you."

"You have no idea how long I've wondered if I'd ever hear you say that," I whisper with my face inches from his. "I've loved you since I was sixteen, Chase. I never stopped." He pulls me toward him, planting a kiss on my lips and breathing life back into my chest. With each sweep of his tongue I can feel my heart growing ten sizes.

When we break apart, I run my hand over his thigh, gently feathering near his knee.

"How is it?" I ask.

"Doesn't hurt enough to stop me from doing this," he says, pulling me onto his lap. My knees hit either side of the couch as I straddle him, my arms wrapping around the back of his neck.

"Who would've thought?" I laugh.

"What?"

"It just goes to show… if you're really patient and wait, like, a decade, anyone can get the chance with the love of their life."

His lips spread into a smile and his head falls onto my chest as he holds my body against his.

"By the way, my jersey you wore the other night… I'm going to need to see you in it again." He runs his tongue over his bottom lip and I shake my head, laughing against him. "And to think, I was sure I had it all figured out," he says with a shake of his head.

"Did I mess with your little playbook?" My smirk matches his.

"You kinda did, Kincaid." His hands roam down my back before he steadies them on my thighs. "Worth it," he whispers against my lips just before he kisses me.

I think somewhere between a late night kiss during a storm and finding the perfect Christmas tree, Chase started to see the good in people again. It only took him over a decade to notice me, but I'd have waited even longer if I had to.

Previous relationships made me wonder if I'd have to change things about myself to find something real and true.

Maybe I shouldn't be so loud.

Or maybe I should just keep my opinions to myself.

I could try just going with the flow instead of being so bold.

But in reality, I don't know how to be less than I am and dimming pieces of myself to fit into a mold of what someone else wants would only hurt me in the long run. I've been so conditioned to think I'm hard to love, but Chase makes it seem so easy.